Life is precious

This is just an observational post. Just something to think about. Something that has focused my mind over the past week. 

Last week was a week for reflection and introspection for me. Taking stock of things that have happened in my life and in the general world. I have had and still have issues. However, given the events of last week elsewhere, I know how lucky I am. I can still get up in the morning, go to work and come home again. 

Some people don't have homes to go to. Some people have lost not just possessions, but friends and family. They are the people who have lost so much. It makes some of my issues and problems seem petty. I am so lucky. It could all go in an instant. You have one life to lead. Make every day count. 

I have regrets in my life. I try not to dwell on them anymore otherwise I'm just wasting my life worrying about them. I'm not perfect, never will be. I just have to remember how lucky I am. As we all should. 

Puberty. A world of wonder. Especially if you have number of years of life experience behind you. 

I am emotionally a 13 year old girl with the logic of a 40 year old. A difficult balancing act with which I am currently struggling with. Add holding down a full time job, moving home and general adulting and you get someone who is in danger of falling apart completely. Which was me last week and early this week. 

I was on the verge of completely breaking down. I couldn't cope. I may seem ok, in control or there is nothing wrong, but I was seconds away from total meltdown. I needed help. I needed support. I didn't realise it until I actually stopped on Saturday evening last week. It hit me like a brick.

I last felt like this about 4 years ago. I couldn't cope with everything going on in my life and I actually broke. I couldn't take it anymore. It took me at least two years to get back to an even keel and move forward. Lately, with the hormone effects and other issues and helping others, I've lost a huge chunk of the emotional stability and independence I had. 

I am changing as a person, evolving, growing. I realise that people have to get used to the changes in me and that I will get things wrong and make mistakes. I have to be patient with people whilst they are getting used to the new me. On the flip side, people have to realise that I need support, advice and to tell me where I'm going wrong, being a teenager or doing something right. I realise that people have their own lives to lead and that I do have to cope with things on my own. However, even though I have the logic within me to know that I am being a pubescent girl, the pubescent girl takes over and logic doesn't get a look in. 

I have made mistakes. I know that. I'm sorry. I will make more. I'm sorry for those too. I'm not perfect. I still have to adult. I can't just storm off into my room and strop, sulk and hide away. I still have to cook, clean, wash up, iron, work full time whilst going through a complete change in my physical and mental outlook. Puberty. At 40.

Just remember, I may seem ok. I may only just be holding it together. The ODM had years of experience in looking and acting ok, when all they wanted was someone to give them a hug and say:' You're not ok, talk to me. I'm listening.' I need that. More than ever before. 

The curse of an over active mind. I'm laying in bed, trying to get to sleep. I should be out for the count, given the amount of both physical and mental work I have done this weekend. I've spent the weekend moving into my new flat. I started at 6 am on Saturday morning, finishing at 11.30 pm and was up again at 8 am today and other than a couple of hours in a car to Ikea, finished at 9.30 pm this evening. 

I have got most of the basics sorted; bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and I can now sit on my sofa and watch the tv or listen to the radio in my living room. I still need day some furniture for the living room to finally sort it out fully. I have been a busy bee, but it doesn't seem to be enough. 

People who know me and have read my blog, know that last week wasn't a good week overall. I created some issues, which in hindsight, were non issues but the after effects are still playing on my mind. I don't want to blame the hormones, but, after a talk with someone who has been a massive help for a few years now, they are in a way a cause of my initial issues.

I am basically a pubescent girl. So, a hormonal teenager. Throw into the mix a complete change in body chemistry which has changed my thought process, has made me so much more emotional and hopefully empathetic; moving home; work issues; lack of sleep and not eating properly aren't doing me any favours.

I am exhibiting a few traits of being a girl going through puberty. One being jealousy. Seeing people doing things without you that you feel you should have been invited to. I'm not going to lie, being single does make a difference to my social life. Almost all of my social group are couples. These couples socialise with other couples. Fact. It happened to the ODM when they became newly single. Most of the couples slowly faded away as a social group. Luckily, someone took the ODM under their wing and gave them the confidence to be more social.

This time though, the added complication of puberty, seeing other people in relationships and wanting one of your own as you are lonely and actually being single aren't a good combination. This is, I think, the basis for my issues this time and the effects of that issue are seriously affecting me now. The overriding issue keeping me awake is the fear that I have done major damage to two relationships with people who I look up to. I may be totally wrong or I may be totally right. I just don't know. So, my mind decides that it will go through every possible scenario it can create, good but mostly bad and play on my fears. 

I have a more subjective view now of the events that happened and in my conscious state can reason them. My subconscious takes over as soon as my head hits the pillow and there is no reasoning with it. I'm hoping that by writing this post that it will help clear my mind a little and help me sleep. I don't want to feel this way again. It's horrible and it makes me feel horrible that I may have upset some fabulous friends. If I have upset them, I hope they can forgive me and we can move on. We only live once - I don't want to lose good friends. They can be hard to find and having those on my journey will make it so much easier. xx