Um, is it possible to feel absolutely nothing? Seriously. Not physically feel nothing, but emotionally? I really have no feelings at all at the moment. I'm completely numb. No anger, happiness, sadness, excitement. Absolutely nothing.

I've felt like this for a few days now. Whether it is a reaction to recent situation, I don't know, but I'm a little concerned that it shows no sign of getting any better. I've a lot going on and plenty of things coming up....and I'm like 'oh, it's that today'. I get up, do what I have to do, go to work, come home, do what I have to do, go to bed. Then do it all again. Even the thought of going out creates zero feelings. Neither ecstasy or agony.

I had become a far more emotional person than I'd ever been before. That'll be the Oestrogen for you. However, since doubling my dosage last week (more of that in another post), I seem to have gone the other way. Far worse than I was before. I still had feelings - I just kept them well hidden. I've no feelings to hide. I'm ambivalent to everything.

I know that my body and mind are adjusting to the new me, but this seems very strange, even to me (and I accept most things). I'm hoping I'll snap out of it sooner rather than later. I know what will happen if I don't; I don't want to go down that road. It's a dark place that I'd thought I'd left behind. Obviously not.

It's been a few weeks since my last post and boy, has a lot happened in that time! A time of change, personal reflection/introspection and moving on. I have come to realise a few things about friendships and their importance to not just only me, to others around me.

Since my last post, I had a well deserved weeks holiday. A time for catching up with old friends, visiting new places, setting up a new home and generally regrouping after events earlier in the month. It was nice to have a holiday where I could relax, chill and enjoy myself. The weather was fabulous. I even managed to get some sunshine and get a very slight tan! A week without makeup (except some lippy and mascara). A chance for my face to breathe.

It was liberating to go out without a full face of makeup on. The fact that I felt comfortable going out without it was another step out of my comfort zone. So much so, that I'm even going to work without as much on. Yes, there is still a hint of shadow which I can't do much about at the moment, but I don't have a problem with it. I'm confident in how I look when I go out; being confident is a big part of making sure that I am not afraid to leave my comfort zone and try something new. I'm always changing and adapting.

Change has been a big thing for me recently. From moving home to finding myself again and a lot in between. Moving home has been a way for me to get to know myself again. My own space. Being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want. Having clean cutlery and crockery; a clean bathroom and kitchen; no struggling with a broadband connection with 2 Xboxes running at the same time. A good place to come home to at the end of the day. My own sanctuary. So far, I'm loving it.

I have also been able to find myself again. I had become too fixated on becoming someone else and forgetting the essence of who I actually am and who I will develop into. Too busy trying to emulate others and losing my own identity. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I am me. I have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings. I vowed that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me how I should think and feel. That resolve has become stronger recently. I won't go into details - the situation is in the past and I've dealt with it.

I've had a lot of time to think about the relationships that I have with my friends. My friends come in all ages and walks of life. They have all contributed in their way to my life. Some more than others but that is because I see them more than others. I value my friendships; I like to think that I am loyal to my good friends and I would never do anything intentionally to harm or hurt them. If I do, please tell me. I'd rather try and work things out and try to work out why I did what I did - I probably didn't realise that I was doing it.

I always try to look at things from all points of view so I can see how I might have affected a situation or relationship. Unfortunately not everyone seems to and I have to get used to that. I have lost two friends recently - my own fault - but the situation since has allowed me to move on and look at my life as a whole. It's a time to reconnect with others and re establish my own identity. Life goes on. People move on. I'm still here.