After yesterdays musings, now it's time for an actual update on how everything is going on a daily basis. The diary of my transition is the title of this blog so it's only right I keep you all updated. So, here goes...…

The physical effects of the hormone therapy have levelled out at the moment. My body has changed shape; my skin is softer; I am developing a (small) chest and putting on weight around my thighs and hips. I have put on a bit of weight generally around my middle which I will need to shift at some point. I am also vitamin D deficient again. More tablets. Up to 7 a day now.However, I need to deal with another issue before I really get into that. I am currently undergoing speech therapy and I am due to start electrolysis (finally) at some point. Still having to shave every day is a huge chore. 

Mentally, I'm in a slightly low place at the moment. Major issues at work have pulled me down. I can't go any further into this as it's still ongoing. It has caused me to seek time off of work as it and still is affecting me physically as well. I am suffering from a loss of confidence and with the issues in yesterdays post, they have pushed me down.

On the plus side, however, I have currently been discharged from the care of the consultant at the clinic and have been referred for surgery - I am currently awaiting my first outpatients appointment. Hopefully, this time next year, I will be in the recovery phase of my transition. There's still along way to go before that happens; weight loss/BMI reduction and more electrolysis due to past operations. I shall explain all another time.

What is next? Firstly, improving my mental health. That's the priority. I'm lucky that I've had a good group of people around me recently that have been looking out for me and keeping me relatively sane. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done recently - I really appreciate it. Secondly, weight loss and exercise. My BMI and waist measurement have to be within certain parameters to be eligible for surgery. I've come this far and don't want to have any more holdups in treatment. 

So, that's where I am. Still plenty of hoops to jump through, things to do, weight to lose and issues to solve. Fingers crossed xx

My name is Danielle. If you want to put a label on me, use Transgender Female. I prefer Human Being myself. Why? I am a Human Being, first and foremost. My gender should not come into the equation, however, it does. You may ask yourself; 'If your gender doesn't matter, then why are you putting yourself through the process of changing it?' It's a question I have asked myself many times over the past few years. Why am I putting myself through all of the aggravation, pain and mental health issues? 

I have for many years now, known that I am my own person. Whether other people like that person is entirely up to them. I am fiercely independent, know what I like and dislike, a good listener, sometimes be very annoying and tells crap jokes. That essentially makes me, well, me. So why am I going through the transition from changing my 'assigned at birth' gender to another? To align my mind and heart with the body I should have had. Lets face it, there are many gender markers out there, but 2 basic body types. Those with dangly bits for genitalia and those with non dangly bits for genitalia. Those with developed mammary glands and those without. I an correcting what mother nature got wrong and putting my brain and heart in the right body shape for their feelings. 

Now recently, there has been a lot of media attention regarding the rights of transgender people, not just in the US but right here in Blighty. Only last weekend, a group of transphobic people from the LGBTQ+ community hijacked the pride parade in London hurling their transphobic propaganda out to the crowd. (Excuse me if I sound biased, but, well, you can see why.) You see, this very small minority of people claim that I will never be a woman and therefore, shouldn't be included into that sphere. 'You can't just have an operation and be a woman. You will never know what it's like to grow up as a woman and go through all that a woman has to go through. You shouldn't be allowed into Female spaces during transition either.' (Please note the use of Woman in their argument as opposed to Female.)

This is very true. I never will know what it is like to grow up as a woman. However, I have grown up in the wrong body (Male) and lived with my internal struggle for about 25 years. Puberty the first time around was bad enough as I wished for my body to be different and that I'd one day wake up with a female body. I spent a lot of my years from 8 to 16 being bullied for being a bit different and not getting involved in sports or playing with traditionally boys toys. As soon as I could, I started dressing in secret as female and knew instantly that I felt more at ease with myself.  It just felt right.

I went through my own growing up cycle, trying to come to terms with my own issues whilst trying to become an adult, make job decisions and outwardly appear as people wanted me to appear due to the gender I was assigned at birth. I even got married. Those feelings were still there, in the furthest recesses of my brain. So, no, I didn't grow up as a woman, but I had a feeling that I was female from an early age and had to grow up with that and thinking that I would be in the wrong body for the rest of my life.

Luckily, I am in a position to change that. This does come with it's own plethora of issues, hoops to jump through and anguish to contend with. Long waiting lists for treatment, the stares, funny looks, feelings of dread and fear when in public that you might get some physical or verbal abuse. My one overriding fear, day in and day out, is the fear of the abuse. Every time I go out, use public toilets, use public transport, I fear that someone will say or do something. If I go into a female toilet, even though I know that I identify as female and I am legally entitled to be there, I fear someone taking offence at my presence when all I want to do is use the loo. I identify as female, my brain says I identify as female and my heart definitely says I'm female. 

I don't feel male at all and any last vestiges of my assigned maleness have almost gone. Some won't go completely - they will be the parts that make me who I am. That's the point of all this. I am me. A human being. Who has the right to deny me my basic human rights? All I want in life is to be comfortable in my own skin, earn money, have a nice home and nice things, be happy and find someone to be with. The same as 99% of the people on this planet. I just want to live as me, in the right body, liking and disliking what I like, listening to the music I like and telling my crap jokes. Please?