Yet again, certain media outlets and certain sections of society are trying to erase my existence. So, not only do I live in constant fear of abuse, I also have to read and watch whilst I am told I don't really exist or I'm just a man in a dress. I will never be a woman, I will always have male privilege and I want to push Cis women aside and attack them whenever I use 'their' facilities. So, basically, I'm a big fat liar who plays at dressing up.

Well, sorry to disappoint you. Admitting to myself that I was born in the wrong body has been a 25 year journey. A journey of, to be frank, absolute hell at times. The feeling of growing up in the wrong body and having to conform to that body, when really, your subconscious is telly you that something isn't right. The wanting to literally be someone else, to be free to be myself constantly eating away at you. Living a lie. 

Ever since I started my transition, I have felt freedom to be myself like never before. My life makes sense now. I feel right. From my head to my toes and everything else in between. I'm not a man in a dress; I am a woman. My body is starting to match the feelings my mind and heart have always felt. 
I have never felt I've had male privilege as it didn't resonate with me. I've always had to fight my corner and to be heard. I notice male privilege more now, so perhaps I was afforded it but never realised. 

When it comes to facilities, i.e. Toilets, there is one reason and one reason only that I use them. Newsflash! I need to go to the toilet. Nothing more, nothing less. Same as each and every one of you.
Changing rooms in shops. I want to try stuff on. I also eat, drink, sleep, cry, love and think just like every other human being. I am a human being first and foremost.

All of this 'discussion' about my existence is quite basically a load of crap. I am here, I exist, I am living my life, paying my bills, doing most of the things I want to do. Life is harder in some ways now and that is the price I'm having to pay for being true to myself. From the constant fear of abuse, the everyday onslaught of my right to exist, to finding that special someone to share my life with. My mental health has sustained enormous damage over the past year. I amaze myself that I'm still able to function most days. The temptation to shut off the world around me is huge given everything I have and I am dealing with. But I don't. I am stronger than the bullies, the populist and scaremongering media and the narrow minded sections of society. I am stronger than the people who deny my right to exist. 

I AM HERE! I am living my life, my way, in my own time. I am a Woman. I am Female. That's how I feel. That's how I've always felt.

Happiness. Never underestimate it's healing powers or it's ability to lift your mood. It is something that has been in short supply for me over the past year. The odd glimmer here and there but mostly there has been the cloak of sadness and the hat of depression. There have been a few developments in my life which have lifted the hat and taken off the coat for the time being and if all goes to plan, I can at least pack them away for a while.

After spending 3 weeks off of work, I have been, albeit, temporarily moved to a different branch. My position had become untenable, through no fault of my own. So, due to the life changing year I have coming up, I don't need that kind of stress in an already quite stressful life. So far, things are a lot better. It has improved my mental health, my physical fitness and my confidence. I have a manager who is using my skill set and colleagues who will actually speak to me. I'm actually enjoying work again. Hopefully, long term I will get to stay either in this branch, or one of the other local branches.

Being in another branch at the moment is a good thing as I no longer have a car. My automobile has gone to the salvage yard after being written off. I only had a low speed bump, less than 5mph and on the basis of 4 photos, my insurance company have paid out. I was thinking of getting rid of it anyway as I didn't need one so big. (Oooh-err missus!) Decision made then. As I am getting the bus into work, the car was just sitting there anyway. Depending on the branch I end up in will also make my decision as to if I replace the car. The benefits at the moment outweigh the drawbacks. Improving my fitness by more walking, my mental health by less stress from driving and my bank balance by no incidental motoring costs.

I'm looking forward to two weeks off next month. This time, I won't have to worry about going back and can enjoy them. My first Speech Therapy group session is in those two weeks and I am planning a bit of an image change. No details, you'll just have to wait for the photos. Time to enjoy life again and look forward to what is coming up in the next 12 months. There is a long way to go, but I'm feeling more confident that I can make the changes needed to get to my goals. Wish me luck!