Not feeling at my best tonight. Had another counselling session today and it has again taken it out of me. I'm feeling pretty deflated and low at this moment in time. I know it's a necessary part of the ongoing, I hate to say it, treatment protocol, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pretty awful afterwards.

The thing is, it brings issues up which up until now, I had dealt with in my own way, i.e. Buried deep in the recesses of my mind. So really, not dealing with them at all. Just pushing them to one side, hoping that they would never rear their ugly heads again. However, to deal with them fully, I have to dust them off and fully deal with the issues and where these issues stem from. 

Part of this, is going back many, many years. To my childhood to be exact. My formative years and issues that arose in that time. I'm not going to go into any detail on here, as people involved cannot put their side of the issue, but suffice to say that events and actions during that time have had a very significant effect on me and how I have evolved as a person. Those actions still effect me to this day and they have affected any relationship, both family, friend or significant other that I have had. 

This is something I've known for many years, but have probably been afraid to admit it to myself for fear of causing upset, retaliation or denial from those involved. However, due to those relationships being, shall we say, broken, I can now admit to myself that my life and how I live it has been affected for all these years. Fears of intimacy, opening up to people, craving love and affection, just wanting a cuddle and to be told it's all going to be ok. I know that many of these are just normal things to want, but for me, they have been a major overriding factor in my developing relationships with anyone. 

I'm not a very confident person around people at the best of times (although some of my friends would disagree with that). I don't think anyone I know truly knows everything about me; every little thing about my life and what has happened. I don't think I remember everything. I've probably blotted a lot out so I can at least function as a human being. I don't open up to people very easily due to my fear of getting hurt by people who know too much about me. I think this stems from everyone I have trusted in the past, all of those who should have been there for me, have hurt me and disowned me in some way. That's a very big issue to deal with.

My life at the moment is still very much a work in progress and over the next few months, I am going to get days like this. Hopefully by the end of my sessions, I can break down some of the barriers that I have put up, primarily to protect myself from getting hurt yet again and to hopefully find that special someone with whom I can have that cuddle and be told it's all going to be ok. 

I've been trying to think of what to write for a few weeks now. I've wanted to update my blog, but have had no idea what to say or how to say it. As per usual, it has been a roller coaster of emotions, good things, happy things, sad things and angry things. Happily, I am in a better place this year to deal with the constantly fluctuating emotional scale that is my life.

Where to begin? Lets start with a good thing. Surgery. That's right. Surgery. I have finally had my first appointment with my surgeon for my GRS (genital reconstruction surgery). A 15 minute appointment in London with 5 and a half hours total travelling time to and from the clinic. Don't anyone ever tell you I am not committed to this. Up at 4.45am, Started work at 7am, left work at 10.30am, caught train at 11.10am, got to the mainline station in London at 1.20pm(main line to London closed, 50 mile detour) underground to nearest clinic station, arriving at the clinic at 2pm for a 2.30pm appointment. In to see the surgeon at 2.25pm. starting my journey back home at 2.40pm. Arrived home at 6pm. A very long day, but it will be ultimately worth it.

So, what happened you may ask? Well, I am borderline, BMI wise, so got to lose a bit of weight (set myself a 2 stone minimum, currently lost half a stone), got to have electrolysis on my scrotal skin (due to past operations, my operation will be slightly different) and this will take at least 6 months, once I have my funding. After 5 months I can contact the clinic and I will be put on the surgery waiting list, which should be a maximum of 3 months. The problems that may occur were run through as was the recovery and maintenance after the operation. Scared, yes; ready for it, ABSOLUTELY!! Bring it on!

Where next? Something which is both good and upsetting. Psychology. Basically, counselling. I have been waiting for this for nearly 2 years and should have had it last year. It's designated to help me navigate the many issues that have arisen from my decision to transition. Things such as coping with the rampant transphobia in the media; navigating the wider world and my fears in just existing as me and the fears in starting any kind of relationship, combined with navigating my sexuality.

I have had my first session. It was really an assessment as to what to cover in the ongoing sessions. This is where it became upsetting. I had to drag up a lot of things that I had repressed and put away, stuff that was really still quite raw to me. It really took it out of me for a few days, made me feel really low and emotional. I'd just got to a point where things were looking up and I was feeling better and BOOM!; back about 12 months emotionally. It took me a few days to realise that, to move forward, I will need to have times like these and the counselling will ultimately help me to deal with the issues I have and let me move on and live my life my way. I've another 7 sessions to go. Apologies to anyone I know if I disappear for a few days after each one. Nothing personal - I will just need to deal with things in my own way. 

On the flip side to the good things, the angry things. Unfortunately, one of the things that has made me angry I cannot mention in my blog anymore as it upsets someone. Perhaps as it's too close to home and the truth? As I don't know who they are and I only have it as second hand info, however, all I can say is suck it up sunshine and perhaps look a little closer to home. I don't like snitches anyway and by your actions, you have taken something away from this blog which allowed me to get all the anger and resentment out of my mind, allowing me to move on and deal with certain things, Thank you for helping to magnify some of my issues and not being able to deal with them effectively. Thank you for again for your ignorance and lack of tolerance. It won't be forgotten. 

Right, rant over on that one. My second angry thing is the friendship issue. This has been prompted by a post seen today on a social network site. Those people who have fallen away ever since I decided to transition and ever since they have found relationships themselves. I was a good 'friend' when they were single and wanted to go out but once they found someone and I became me, I have been dropped so fast, I didn't have time to blink. Thanks guys. Thanks for your continued support. Thanks for bleeding me dry emotionally, abusing my hospitality and good will.

I'm lucky that I have a good group of friends who have been and are still there for me. They are my true friends. In fact, in some cases, it goes beyond friendship and into family. They get to enjoy the person I am and all that goes with it. The loyalty, the help, the support, even the bad jokes. They are the most important people in my life. They have got me to where I am today. To those who have decided my friendship isn't worth anything, I say Goodbye. Obviously you can't cope with my fabulousness and awesomeness, hence why you've decided you can't be friends with me anymore. If our paths cross, I shall permit a polite hello, but you shall forever only be an acquaintance and we can never have any sort of friendship again. Your time has gone and that ship has sailed. 

And relax. I feel better now. Got it out of my system. Slightly melodramatic perhaps, but gets my point across. I doubt anyone who it's aimed at will ever see it or hear about it, but it needed to be said. I know I've posted recently about friendship but again it has irked me and I needed to vent and say something. Probably a bit more robust this time, but it is very important to me. I'm not needy when it comes to friendship, but I like loyalty and commitment in friendships and it disappoints me when I give and like to nurture friendships and I get nothing back and in the case of these people, ignored and ultimately, dropped. Just shows what kind of people they really are and probably for the best we are not friends. 

I think I've covered everything. Happy and good, check. Sad and angry, check. I've a busy 6 months coming up, spring is here and today, even the sun is shining. Life is ok at the moment and I've a lot to look forward to. I've even written a little article, which is due out next month, on the subject of family and specifically adopted family. It was hard to write, given the subject, but good to share with a wider audience and hopefully make people understand that transitioning isn't all happiness and light, it can have a very deep emotional price in some cases. Having a family is a very special gift in this life, I'm just happy that I have 2 adopted families that have taken me in and make sure I'm ok. Never underestimate the power of having a loving family. It makes life a whole lot easier. (Yes, this is a pointed remark, lets see who gets it).