I am struggling. I have been for about 3 months now. I am descending in to a hole from which is getting harder and harder to see the light from the top. A hole in which the further I descend, the more overwhelming everything seems to be. A hole which is threatening to take me over completely.
Transitioning is a long and sometimes very lonely journey. From the gatekeeping in the NHS to the 'friends' that disappear over the years and the family that disown you, it all takes it's toll. Add to that the rampant dysphoria, fear that you will be attacked just for being you, the current media frenzy on the fact that I shouldn't really exist, the rise of far right and far left ideologies debating your very existence and the constant feeling that you will be alone forever, make quite a poisonous cocktail.
Just to be clear, I have never doubted transitioning, never wanted to go back and I know this is the right decision for me. It's just that over the past 3 months, all of this has been slowly but surely eating away at my confidence, sanity, mental and physical health. It is being replaced by anxiety, tiredness, fear, emotional ambivalence and lack of self esteem and confidence in just being alive. The waves of doubt are letting in the waves of wondering if things would be better off if I wasn't here at all. Yes, I've been to that port and it's staring to look like a very nice destination. No more drama, no more pain and no more feeling like a burden.
Medically, I can't just take some anti-depressants to help with this. They interact with my anti - breakdance (epilepsy) meds. NHS counselling consists of CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which give you coping strategies. I've been through that, got the leaflets, seen the books. I've exhausted all my known strategies to help me and they're not working. It's just easier now to slip down the hole and slowly pull away from everyone and everything. You can't miss me if you don't see me as often, right?
Emotionally, I can't even emote properly. I can't cry (and I really want to), scream, feel anything other than ambivalence (again, I want to feel something). Being on my own is hard in the fact you have no one to listen to your fears, thoughts, dreams or to share your life with. Sometime you just want to curl up with someone and be cuddled. Just to be held and told everything is going to be OK. But then finding someone is even more difficult because of who I am and the fear that when you tell someone you are transgender, you may be attacked physically and verbally. Catch 22. Want to find someone but too scared to.
Physically, I'm stating to look in the mirror and not see me. I keep seeing the person I used to be. The person I didn't want to be. The false me. This is my dysphoria. Not seeing the person I want to be after four years of upheaval, appointments, hormones, letting the person I want to be, well, just be. Looking in the mirror and seeing that other person after everything that has happened. It's disheartening and depressing. It permeates everything in my life. From not wanting to go out or speak, to just how I hold myself, sit, eat or even think.
I do have some very good friends, surrogate family and my own family (a couple of my cousins) around me. However, as much as they say they are there for me, I need far more than they can give right now. I need that cuddle, that cry, that emotional support. I have always given support when it's needed. That's just me. That's what I do. Please understand that I cannot do this anymore. I've nothing left to give. It's to my detriment that I now cannot even help myself. I need that help now. I need a friend like me. That one who will put their issues to one side, even when they are low and help others.
What you see and hear everyday from me is a front. A well acted and thought out and constructed front. That laughter hides the hurt, that smile hides the pain, that joke hides the emotional void. I sit at home and the darkness descends. That loneliness grips me. I speak to no one after I get home until I get to work the next day. Anxiety then stops me from going out and just exiting outside my four walls, so makes it worse. Catch 22 again.
The sum of these parts is the cause of my decent over the past few months. On their own, they are probably easier to overcome. However, when they start to intertwine with each other, it's extremely hard to even know where to start. So you don't. And it pushes you deeper and deeper down that hole. Ever deeper. Ever deeper.
