I've come to the realisation that I'm unlovable, only just tolerated and an inconvenience to many people. I seem to be that person that is always that tagged on to the group, invited as an afterthought or is remembered after the event. I'm the one that is always smiling on the outside but inside I am dead. My heart is devoid of any feeling. I am numb. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I've had enough of having my trust broken and made to feel worthless. 

I thought I had a good heart, support and respect; would help out where I could, listened to everyone else's issues and problems and is valued. Yet, why do I feel like a well trodden doormat? Use me and abuse me. She can cope. She's fine. She's strong. She's been and is going through so much, she'll survive. Well, guess what? I'M NOT STRONG. I CAN'T COPE. I DON'T WANT TO SURVIVE. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. PERIOD. 

I'm a human being who has been shunned by the majority of my biological family, has had my trust and heart broken by 99% of the people I have opened up to, have had far too many fair weather friends fleecing me of my good nature and kindness, am only contacted if some help is needed or something is required and is constantly put down at work by colleagues and management. I'm empty, emotionally exhausted and mentally spent. There is nothing left to fight this with. I'm done. 

No, this is not the effects of covid and lockdown making me feel like this. If anything, it's me a clearer understanding of my interpersonal relationships and my current emotional and mental state. There have been some issues recently that have hastened my decent and made me question my place on this planet.

I think I'm just going to say sod life.  If I don't open up to anyone, I can't get hurt. I can't be used. I can't be made to feel worthless and unlovable. I can only trust myself. I won't be an inconvenience or an afterthought. Yes, there are drawbacks, but at the moment, the positives far outweigh the negatives. I may or may not get trough this. I may or may not open up again. I may not be here to see it through. Shit happens. Every sodding day of my sorry life.