Finally, a bit of sunshine and warmth after the wind, show and cold weather. The lighter mornings and evenings are also an added bonus. It helps lift the mood, doesn't it? It's good timing as things are starting to look better for me, mentally. The couple of months of enforced solitude and my own company are starting to pay dividends. Apart from some pre arranged events, I haven't been anywhere special or seen many people. 

The flip side of this, is that I have really neglected some friendships. Totally my fault and my problem to try to rectify. In a past life, I truly put others before myself. However, since my transition began, I have had to become more self centred and that has been, sometimes, to the detriment of some friendships. It's an alien concept for me, which sometimes envelops me with guilt. Then I get frightened of dealing with it, just in case of a negative reaction. A catch 22 scenario. 

My life is still in a state of flux and will be for a while to come. I am still finding myself in some ways. After 30+ years of not being truly who I should have been, it's not going to be a quick and easy process. Some things will never change, like my taste in music, (Hey, I like my euro pop and French house music), love of food (hence the weight gain), bad jokes (puns are fun, I'll have you know) and walks along the beach. It's my outlook on life and how I deal with things that are changing. Working out what is important and what isn't, has been liberating. Things or situations that I perceived as being important have become less important and visa versa.

For me, it's the puberty I never really had as a teenager. Due to numerous situations at the time, I never really did the things a typical teenager did. I bypassed all the usual social, mental and physical rights of passage and went into full time work as a necessity. To an extent, I have had a very sheltered life - no alcohol until I was 18, never tried any kind of drugs (due to being on long term medication), as for losing my (old) virginity...............! I never really found what I really liked, loathed, loved or wanted from life. I just sort of existed. Days turned into months, months into years. It just took a couple of major life events to push me in  the right direction.

Right now, this week, some of the main things I'm worried about are my hair (really need to style it, but not sure what to do), getting beach fit for the summer (really need to lose that weight now) and wondering if I'm ever going to find that special someone.......(it's a little bit more tricky than you think for me). It may seem superficial to some people and it probably is, given some of the other things I should be dealing with, but, these are all new things for me to worry about and part of me finding myself. So there!

Medically, or to be exact, vocally, I had my re-arranged speech therapy appointment cancelled. Luckily, it was before I had made my way to the clinic. It has now been scheduled for next month - fingers crossed it now goes ahead. I already have a consultant's appointment that day, so at least it won't be a wasted journey. My voice is the one thing that I feel lets me down the most, other than having to scrape my face everyday (razor blades and shaving gel are expensive if you want decent stuff).

There are a few things I have to do everyday, just to look vaguely human and not attract too much attention/just pass. Extra pieces of underwear here, face scraping there, slightly more attention to detail on some other things. It's become second nature to me now, but I'll be glad when I don't have to do some of it anymore. Would I change it? Never. It's part of who I am becoming and it shouldn't be forever. That's one thing you can be certain of. I am here to stay. xx

Sunday 1st April 2018
1 Year on Hormone Therapy (just)
Current Mood is Reflective and Determined

I am finally getting used to my own company again. It's been like pressing the reset button on my life. It's given me a chance to reflect on where I am and where I am going. I seem to have lost myself over the past year with everything that has happened and just stepping back a little has given me the chance to see things a little clearer and to clear away some of the detritus that has accumulated recently.

The hormone therapy is finally changing me into the person I want to be, physically. I can see how my body is changing and evolving into a more feminine one. The only downside is the weight gain. I was told the average is a 9lb increase; I've somehow managed to put on at least double that! I am putting some of that down to comfort eating/lack of exercise and given events over the past year, It's understandable. So I am now determined to lose the weight and bring my BMI back down. Long term, I need to shift it if I am to move onto the next stage of my transition; surgery. 

Mentally, however, I have struggled to move forward and there are times in which I feel I have moved backwards to the person I am getting away from. For all the good points on the physical side, the hormones have had an effect on the mental side. I had to find my way again and focus on me and who I am. So a period of reflection and introspection has been very refreshing and needed. I have been able to straighten my head out and look to where I am going more clearly again and who I am becoming. Clearing certain things, processes and people out of my life is having a positive effect. A life laundry as it were. Even at work, I am adopting a new attitude - I'm there to work and nothing more.

Some good things have happened recently. I finally have my new passport (yay!) and I have new exam certificates. They may not seem like much, but my new passport has my new name AND new gender marker and the new certificates will be useful when I finally look for another job. I am also starting my speech therapy, finally. After a false start last month, I have my first full session this week. This is the one physical thing I can't change through any other means than practice. It's another piece of the jigsaw that is finally slotting into place. More bits of my old life are being erased and consigned to the bin. That person is fading further and further into the distance, never to return.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why. I'm just regrouping, resetting and grounding myself.