Sunday 1st April 2018
1 Year on Hormone Therapy (just)
Current Mood is Reflective and Determined

I am finally getting used to my own company again. It's been like pressing the reset button on my life. It's given me a chance to reflect on where I am and where I am going. I seem to have lost myself over the past year with everything that has happened and just stepping back a little has given me the chance to see things a little clearer and to clear away some of the detritus that has accumulated recently.

The hormone therapy is finally changing me into the person I want to be, physically. I can see how my body is changing and evolving into a more feminine one. The only downside is the weight gain. I was told the average is a 9lb increase; I've somehow managed to put on at least double that! I am putting some of that down to comfort eating/lack of exercise and given events over the past year, It's understandable. So I am now determined to lose the weight and bring my BMI back down. Long term, I need to shift it if I am to move onto the next stage of my transition; surgery. 

Mentally, however, I have struggled to move forward and there are times in which I feel I have moved backwards to the person I am getting away from. For all the good points on the physical side, the hormones have had an effect on the mental side. I had to find my way again and focus on me and who I am. So a period of reflection and introspection has been very refreshing and needed. I have been able to straighten my head out and look to where I am going more clearly again and who I am becoming. Clearing certain things, processes and people out of my life is having a positive effect. A life laundry as it were. Even at work, I am adopting a new attitude - I'm there to work and nothing more.

Some good things have happened recently. I finally have my new passport (yay!) and I have new exam certificates. They may not seem like much, but my new passport has my new name AND new gender marker and the new certificates will be useful when I finally look for another job. I am also starting my speech therapy, finally. After a false start last month, I have my first full session this week. This is the one physical thing I can't change through any other means than practice. It's another piece of the jigsaw that is finally slotting into place. More bits of my old life are being erased and consigned to the bin. That person is fading further and further into the distance, never to return.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why. I'm just regrouping, resetting and grounding myself.