I'm going to rename the blog, for this week at least, 'The Hormonal rantings of a Trans Woman or the musings of a Pubescent Adult Female.' I think that will adequately describe what I am about to write about. If you haven't already guessed, it will involve hormones, emotions, sensations and my body trying and succeeding to trick me.

Although I have mentioned this before, here is a brief overview of what I am currently experiencing.  A combination of Estrogen and a testosterone suppressant is helping to physically change my body. A body ravaged by years of testosterone. It changes my physical appearance, redistributing the fat to create a more feminine shape, develops breast tissue, softens the skin and reduces body hair growth. The change in my hormonal balance has also changed the way I see and experience life, especially emotionally, namely a greater range of emotional experience, greater mood swings, more empathy and a change in the way I view the world. My struggles with my mental health have been well documented already - they are still ongoing.

When I started my hormone therapy, I did start to fall into a 28 day cycle. Feeling emotional; wanting to kill and then wanting to cry and then feeling unwell; headaches and overwhelming desire to sleep.
I went through a couple of these cycles until my dosage was increased. Then, nothing. Maybe the odd week of PMS, the odd few days of headaches straight after, but generally, not too many bad weeks. That was until last week. The week my body thought it would be fun to experiment with this cycle and completely throw me off guard.

(By the way, I'm making a cup of tea whilst writing this and have committed the cardinal sin of putting in the milk before the hot water. I hang my head in eternal shame.) My last increase in dosage was last December. 8mg of Estrogen. No real issues with the increase, I thought I'd got away with it again. All was good until the beginning of last week. My PMS started. Mood swings, mainly anger and irritability. Fine, I thought, no biggie. Then, on Sunday, my body decided that I needed to experience some of the pain that comes during the menstruation stage.

I know I don't possess the correct physical attributes to accurately experience the pain of this phase of the cycle, but my body gave me back ache, a cramping sensation, intense headaches, sore breasts and wanting to eat my own (increasing) body weight in food. It gradually got worse on Monday. I had been feeling grotty at work and the cramping had got worse during the day. Getting home was a struggle, between the headaches and the back pain. It resulted in me curled up on the sofa, under a blanket with a hot water bottle. Even the then, the pain was only subdued. 

The combination of everything was unlike anything I have experienced before. To all you genetic females out there, I now have a small insight into what you have to go through and I have the greatest respect for you all. You are all amazing. For me, it's all part of my transition and something that I may have to get used to. I'm only just getting used to the mood swings! I went to bed, still cuddling the now lukewarm hot water bottle in search of some relief. Luckily, I was off on Tuesday, but, unluckily, I had to be up early. 

Tuesday, however, was a new day and my body had decided that I'd had enough pain for a couple of days and let me wake up feeling marginally better. I was up early as I had my appointment with my GP for my 12 week check up. A transition MOT check. The good news is my Estrogen count is where it needs to be and the bad news is my weight gain. 20lb since last June!! I expected a little bit, due to the fat redistribution, but not that much. OK, perhaps there is a little comfort eating in there, but that's quite a lot in just over 6 months. So, I have been advised to exercise a bit more, watch what I eat a bit more and generally keep an eye on it. 

Someone has asked me if I regret the decision I took over 2 years ago, to go through all of this. Even with the pain. mood swings, constant appointments and all that goes with transitioning. My answer - not one little bit. It's part of who I am and who I'm becoming. It's the person inside me finally emerging from the assigned gender to which I was given at birth. Puberty as an adult is hard, really hard. However, given my bodily changes and my new lease of life, ultimately worth it.