What makes a woman, a woman? What makes a female, a female? Why are transgender people constantly having to justify their existence? Why should anyone have to justify their existence?
Questions. So many questions. My validity as a person is constantly being questioned. Not by my friends I hasten to add, but by certain sections of the public at large. My rights as a person are constantly being questioned by a small minority of bigoted people at the moment. The fact that I wasn't born with the right 'equipment' at birth, precludes me from ever being the true me. The real me. 

Well, they're right. I wasn't born with the right equipment. I was given the wrong equipment. Nature sometimes gets it wrong. The 'equipment' I have has always felt alien to me. Through the marvels of modern medicine, I can go some way to having the right 'equipment'. Hormones and surgery to be precise. However, it's not just having the right 'equipment', is it. Yes, I will have the physical appearance of a adult female, but it's also the feelings, thoughts and emotions that complete me as a woman. 

Growing up, I was always a little more emotional than others with the same 'equipment'. I wasn't into war games, football or the rough and tumble as was advocated by genetics and the public perception of how I should act. It never sat with me 100%. So, I just got on with it. Carried on growing up as I was. Never being truly happy with myself, but believing that that was it. This slightly weird and awkwardly shy person. When puberty hit and my body started to develop due to the hormones it was given, I would look at the opposite gender and wonder why my body wasn't developing like that. 

Then life events happened. Early 1990's. Family issues. That's when I found crossdressing. That's when these feelings that I had suddenly started to make sense. That difference in my brain and my heart as opposed to my physical appearance. Becoming the opposite to my actual life. I felt, well, happy. I felt right for those few short hours. Fast forward 20 years. Another life event. The suggestion, after a few hours of conversation that perhaps I should try crossdressing again. So I did. All those suppressed feelings and emotions came bubbling back to the surface and things started to make sense again. The differences, the wanting of my body to suddenly morph into the right one with the right 'equipment'.

The me that grew up was quiet and awkward because I wasn't my true self. My body presented itself to the world as the wrong person as the inside was having to portray itself as that person. The emotions, feelings and thoughts that I have now are very far removed from that person. I can show my emotions freely, I can think as I want to think and I can feel what I want to feel. No hiding, no acting. To me, this is a major part of me being me. It's not just about what 'equipment' I have, but what makes me tick. What I feel. How I act. What I want. 

It's the little things like dying my hair, crying at sad films, getting excited for weddings, wearing the clothes I've always wanted to, listening to the music I want to, using the right toilets and actually being me. Being transgender isn't a choice for me. It is me. It always has been me. Being born in the wrong body and now going through my transition makes me transgender, but it doesn't mean that I haven't always been a woman or female. I will always be a transgender woman or transgender female. No one is going to deny me my existence or question my validity. I am a human being, therefore I am valid. I exist. I am here. 

I want to thank everyone who has been on my transition journey with me and continues to support me. I have now been living full time for 2 years now and although there have been some very hard times lately, things are looking better. The end is in sight, but I still have a long way to go. Life isn't always easy and I have to constantly be on my guard when out, but I would never go back to my old life. The good far outweighs the bad. xxxx