Gender Dysphoria. It's been in the media quite a lot recently and I have it. I'm taking steps to deal with it. Well, as fast as the NHS will allow. Some days are better than others and currently, the dysphoria is alive and well and causing me a myriad of issues. 

The last few weeks (probably the last 6 to be exact) have been the toughest I've had to deal with since I started my transition, only I didn't actually realise what it was. It was only today that I had my 'lightbulb' moment. That one moment of clarity. Those feelings I've had and why I've felt in a void. It's that lovely dysphoria, telling me that even though I have the feelings of my chosen gender, actually, you're in the body of your assigned gender at birth. You'll never be your actual gender. You still act like your assigned gender. You still sound like your assigned gender...…..and so on. That niggles away at you, every minute of every hour of every day. 

Dysphoria eats away at you, destroys your hard fought for confidence and steals what happiness you have with yourself. It's chips away at your self belief, making you feel inadequate, worthless and unwanted. It brings in large swathes of self doubt in your ability to 'pass' and achieve your transition and makes you think that it's all pointless and you'll never do it. It strips you of your self worth and pushes you into yourself, hiding from life. It's all consuming and it's like a mist that creeps up on you, slowly, so you don't notice and before you realise, it's all around you and you can't see to get away from it. 

So, add that to the feelings of loneliness and thinking you'll never find anyone, to the adverse reaction to my injection and my 4 week cycle reaching it's peak, meant that I had a breakdown in front of my manager last week. I burst into tears. At the time, I hadn't factored the dysphoria into the equation, but, in hindsight, it was a major contributing factor. To be fair to my manager, they were very good about it and I can't thank them enough for what they did. I won't go into details, but that one act of kindness went a long way.

With all of this going on, I've hidden myself away from the world, other than going to work and a speech therapy appointment. I've wanted to hide away. I didn't want anyone to see me as I didn't feel like, well, me. I felt all wrong. A fraud. In a world I didn't belong to. The dysphoria is still alive and kicking today, but now I have had my 'lightbulb' moment, I can now start to deal with it. I can start to make the changes I need to bring it under control again and hopefully subdue it again for a while. I know a lot of it is in my mind and not true, but it will always be there, long after my transition has ended and it will show it's ugly face every now and again. 

All I can do is try and see the signs and try to deal with it before it envelops me. I am currently making small changes to get myself back on an even keel. There are many layers I have to deal with and restoring my self belief and worth are my priorities. With those, the others should follow. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I am taking it one day, one hour and one minute at a time. xx

It's amazing what a little prick in the bum can achieve. I'm a lot happier since I've had it. It's filled me with happiness. One pump and that liquid was in. There was a little bit of blood afterwards, but not a lot.

Now, I'm guessing some of you are thinking something very naughty right now. Anyone who knows me, knows I can make an innuendo out of anything and the situation I was in lent it self to a multitude of innuendo. The situation in question: My 12 weekly testosterone blocker injection. I have to have it inter muscular, usually in one or t'other buttock. The blood? There is usually a teeny weeny little dribble when the needle comes out. There you go. Nothing naughty about it whatsoever. Shame!

It's amazing how different I feel once the testosterone is blocked again. I can usually feel it wearing off a couple of weeks before it's due. I hate that feeling. It's annoying because I feel all wrong; the testosterone starts to rise again and I don't feel like me. I start to feel male again. That then messes with my head and I start to feel down about my transition, even though I know the next injection is due. It seems to have been worse this time for some reason. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't feel that female at the moment. I don't know what I feel really. I'm in a bit of a void. Work is a lot better now and I'm finally getting my home together. I just have an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and numbness. Possibly coming up to Christmas is having it's usual effect on me. No immediate blood relatives around (I'm not using the word family as that denotes some form of contact) and no significant other, takes it's toll on my ability to feel anything towards anyone else. 

It could the anti climax to the year I've had at work. Now everything has been sorted out, things are easier. I know what I have to achieve and I have a manager who seems to get my work ethic and uses my skill set accordingly. Early days, but it looks hopeful. 

I know I've probably said a lot of this stuff before in previous posts, but the further I am in my transition, the more I think about the future and what that future holds. Transitioning is non negotiable. That has never been in question. It's definitely been the right decision. It's cost me my closest blood relatives and a few friends who have just distanced themselves since I announced my transition even though they seemed very supportive. It just gets difficult when you want that little bit of physical contact from someone, that cuddle to say 'Hey, things are going to be OK. You'll be fine.'

I'll survive. I'll get over it again. I'll just end up cuddling the pillow as per usual. The cycle will come round in a few months and hit me again. Probably just before my next prick in the bum...…………xx

Just a quick post. Something someone said tonight, albeit a throwaway comment, hopefully, is currently going round and round my brain and stopping me from sleeping.

At first I just laughed about it, but it actually hurt me. The phrase in question: You don't matter. Context: watching fireworks, 11 year old hiding behind me as they didn't want to get hit by any debris. My friends family have taken me in as a 'foundling' as my own immediate family don't want anything to do with me. So, put the two together and it kinda hurts.

I know that from experience that kids will just say what they do without a filter as they don't always know the full facts or are not yet fully self aware. I have to apply the benefit of the doubt here, as it was probably not intentional, but it does make me feel like an interloper and fuels my feelings of loneliness and feelings of being unloved.

I'll get over it, I always do. However, each time something like this happens, a little piece of me disappears and that exterior becomes ever so slightly harder to break open.

I was going to write this post last night, but, as I was somewhat under the influence of alcohol and very tired, it was probably a good job I didn't. It is somewhat linked to my transition, but it is something which, yesterday, really annoyed me. 

Transitioning has taught me one very valuable skill - Patience. You have to be very patient waiting for things to happen. Whether that be appointments to go to, funding to be in place, therapy to go to they all take time to materialise. Couple that with the very slow pace of change physically, patience is something I now have plenty of. 

This has now carried over into my work. I was recently advised that, due to the flat structure of my employer, the likelihood of me progressing up the chain are minimal. For years I have known this and for years this has been a major source of annoyance. However, over the past few years, give or take the odd 'issue' at work, which has now been dealt with, I have learned to take this issue in my stride. Patience. If I have little chance of progressing, I have to be the best I can be, so when that opportunity does arrive, I can be ready to go for it.

My life isn't perfect, far from it. But, if something is wrong or isn't going well, only I can change it. Only I can see what need to be done to improve things and move forward. I have learned not to just stand around moaning about things and saying nothing is ever going to change. Things happen in our lives which may or may not be right, but we have to dust ourselves off, put them down to experience and use that experience to move forward. People get too focused on events which have happened and they have no control over. 

These events still affect their lives long after they have happened. They get bogged down in them until they are all consuming. I'm guilty of it in the past. I also learned that I was wasting valuable time on something which I couldn't change and that wouldn't change. I was better off putting that time to something constructive and moving forward. The past is the past and it's something I cannot change. I can change my future though and I can do that by staying positive and being the best version of me that I can be. 

In essence, you have to be patient with life. Thins don't always happen overnight, but things can and will change. You have to make them happen. Focusing on the past is futile. Use that energy to make changes that will improve you. Those improvements will help you to move forward. Standing around moaning to others not only brings you down, but those around you. I have to walk away when people moan about their lot, but won't let go of the past or push themselves to improve their lot. When they pull others down with them with their negative views. It frustrates me, when I am trying to be positive, with everything I have and have had to put up with in the media and at work. 

Those of you who know me best, know how hard life has been for me and for me, I am immensely proud of where I am mentally at this point. The loneliness is hard, the persecution of transgender people in the media is hard and the general fear of any kind of abuse when out in public is a real and constant fear. However, I try to remain positive, upbeat and happy and with my work issues being sorted, I am the most positive I have been for a while. I try to spread a little positivity and make people smile where I can. I don't waste my time looking back on what if's. That's happened, that time has gone. I put my energy into my future. Some people around me need to do the same.

Here endeth the lesson.