Friendship. A many faced dice with a multitude of results when thrown correctly. 
Something which never ceases to amaze and confound me. It is a subject which recently has made me think and caused me to reflect on who has come into and out of my life in the past few years.

Let me put this into some kind of context. 6 years ago, I was in a completely different situation to the one I am in now. I was a completely different person to the person I am now. My friend group was very different to the one I have today and has changed many times over the past 6 years. Many people have come and gone from my life in that time. A select few have become very, very close friends and are basically my family now. 

What has confounded me is that many of the people who have come and gone, are those who supported my transition at first, but since I started to become me, have completely disappeared from view. Messages and texts go unanswered. Promises of catch ups go unplanned. There has been no interaction from these people at all. The other point about these people, is that I met nearly all of them through one person. 10 people to be exact. I'm not saying that there is a correlation between my transition and this course of events, but...….well...….can you see where I'm coming from?

I know some people move on, or move away and their lives change. I have always strive to maintain friendships (although I know can be bad at it sometimes). I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I will do almost anything for my friends and I am always there for them. Even when I am in a bad place, I will always be there for my fiends should they need me. What annoys me is when that loyalty is abused and not reciprocated. Which has occurred with many of this group. 

Yes, I am hurt that these people seem to take what they want and then disappear from my life. This then has a knock on effect with my future friendships. I become more wary and less inclined to be there for any new friends. I don't tend to open up easily as I don't want to get hurt by getting to close to people and these kinds of people only make it harder for me to open up.

Even some old friends, whom I have known for years and have been there for don't return my messages or make any effort to get in touch anymore. You know who you are. It's time you made the effort to arrange something instead of leaving it to other people all of the time. I get bored of trying to arrange things and getting no response. So, I don't bother anymore. 

The thing I console myself with, is that it's their loss if they don't value my friendship I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but if you can't deal with me at my worst, you will never get to experience me at my best. I am a good, kind and loyal friend if you are good, kind and loyal to me. I need my good friends around me more than ever at the moment. Times are tough for me, mentally and life has been a struggle recently. 

To those who have stuck by me, check up on me when I am low and feed me when I need a bit of TLC, I want to say a huge thank you to you all. You are my greatest strength, an enormous source of help and inspiration and there when I need you. That small band of my closest friends that keep me going and see me at both ends of the spectrum. You get to see me at my best; because you've helped me at my worst. I will never be able to thank you enough for helping through the past few years, even before I started my transition. All I can do is be the best friend I can and be there when you need me. xxxx