Time for a happy post. The last 18 months have been mostly doom and gloom, mainly because my life has seemed to lurch from one bad situation to another. These situations have caused me to look ever deeper into myself, my life and those who choose to be in my life. I have made it through, I have kept going and I am still here.

One thing I have learnt is the art of self care. I am the most important person in my life right now, its up to me to make sure I'm happy, contented and sane. Realising this was the game changer for me. Actually concentrating on myself fully and taking control of a situation was the start of the turnaround. Just making sure I took myself out of a very toxic environment and repaired some of the damage caused mentally has got me through another low at the end of 2018.

There were a few highlights last year. One of those was the start of my speech therapy. Four one to one sessions, followed by six group sessions. A very useful course and one of the 'treatments' that I can actually get on with in my own time without waiting for consultants or clinics or appointments. Breaking down how your voice works and how to change it into how I want it to sound like. Giving us the building blocks on which to construct our voice and help our transition.

For me, it has, looking back, been a very positive step for me. Not just for the bare bones of what need to be done to achieve a new voice, but the love and support of a small group of people who know exactly what you're going through and who are all prepared to help each other out when we get down about our voices or are not generally confident in ourselves. It pushed me out of my comfort zone by getting me to act in front of a group of strangers. It got me thinking about how I shouldn't worry about how I'm perceived in the big wide world and it made me more confident as a person. More confident that I can achieve what I want to achieve.

Yesterday, sadly was the last group session. The last time we would all be in the same room (for the foreseeable future...……). I have to say that I was saddened by that. This small group of people who I didn't know from Eve could have such an effect on my life. I always went into each session apprehensive but always came out happy and more confident. We have all agreed to keep in touch and hopefully we will all get together periodically and maybe in smaller groups as and when we can. I hope we can. We are all on our own journeys, but ultimately have the same goal. 

Overall, my work life is more stable, my flat is becoming my home, my sanctuary and those around me are those I want around me. This year is one in which I intend to push myself out of my comfort zone even more, experience new things, people and places. Make new friends and cherish the ones I already have. Those who love me for me, the good and the bad(jokes). I know I don't speak to some of you that often, especially those who live that little bit further away. I still want you in my life and I hope you still want to be in mine. 

This crazy ride still has some way to go. Buckle up people, there's still far more to come...….....xxxx

Time for my first post of 2019. I'm going to start with a review of 2018. A year of few highs and many lows. Many, many lows. The fact I am still here, is to me, a major achievement of 2018. That's right. The spectre of suicide crossed my mind at one point. The thought of even trying to carry on in the face of what as happening seemed too much of an obstacle to overcome. 

You see, I can't take antidepressants. If I'm low, I have to work things out myself. Only I can pull myself out. The problem is, every time I have to pull myself out, It depletes my ability to do so next time. So, this time, I had virtually nothing to work with. I was spent. The tank was empty, the well was dry. What probably saved me, in conjunction with the support of those who know me, was my general inability to actually do anything I said I would. I just couldn't be bothered.

The seeds for this were sown in 2017. My employers inability to deal with a situation effectively, which intensified enormously in 2018, the continued aftermath of my near drowning, the effective abandonment of some of my so called 'friends' combined with the relentless media, both print and social, attacks on the transgender community made for a very hard and punishing year on my physical and mental health. The lack of support from my close blood relatives (I refuse to call them family) always hurts. I want to thank the one member of my blood family who has bothered to contact me recently - it really means a lot to me.

The work situation, at the moment, is better. A new branch and a manager who gets me. Lets me actually do my job. It took drastic action and a couple of months of suffering to gain the momentum to get the wheels in motion to deal with the situation once and for all. I can't say what I want to say, as people from my work read this and if it gets back to the ivory towers, I will get into all sorts of trouble. (Probably will for this, but it shouldn't have got to that point in the first place).

I have come to terms with the loss of friends - their choice and they are the ones missing out. Just to clarify my last post, the dig is at 3 very specific people who don't live very far away from me. About 7 to 8 miles away. It is not directed to anyone else. The rest, sod you. I'm me, this is my life, I'm absolutely fabulous, you're the ones losing out. End of. Only the chosen few stay in my life - hopefully they love me warts and all. I'm a one off, diamond in the rough, extremely loyal, fiercely independent and very loving. I can also be very sarcastic, love puns and innuendo, love tea, chocolate biscuits, worry about getting fat, having small boobs and can get wild mood swings. Anything I've forgotten? Probably. I'm also modest. 

So, what does 2019 have in store? Who knows. I'm taking things as they come at the moment. Practising self care and getting myself straight, both physically and mentally. My health is more important than anything. Then it's surrounding myself with good friends and family (not the blood relative kind). Those who have adopted me as theirs and treat me as such. Those who take me warts and all. People who actually want to talk to me and be their for me. 

Hopefully this is also the year of surgery. Yes folks, 4 years since I initially went to my GP for a referral, I have been referred by the clinic for surgery. (Except that, at the moment, the clinic I have been referred to have no record of it - I am working on this). 4 years of tears, tablets, jumping through hoops, dealing with the NHS and the slooooooooooooow pace of actually getting anything done, as well as coping with my own upheavals. Fingers crossed it actually happens this year. The year my body and mind become one and the same.

I can't guarantee to post frequently or often, if I do, I hope they will be a bit more upbeat and happy than they have been. After all, it is a snapshot of how I am feeling at any given time. I hope the really bad times are behind me now. The only way is up, right? xx