Love and relationships. The eternal conundrum. It's something I have been giving a lot of thought to recently as my past posts will testify. It's an area of my life that I haven't wanted to explore over the past few years as I have had a lot of other things to think about which have been more important. However, since I have started my therapy sessions, it's an area of my life that is now not looking so bleak and out of reach.

My mantra for the past few years has been : Whatever happens, happens. Meaning, that if anyone of any denomination passed my way, then so be it. However, more recently, my heart is being drawn in a certain direction with regard to my sexuality. Don't ask me how or why, it's just sort of, well, happening. I suppose, the combination of puberty, hormones, finding myself and the whole relationship issue has finally kickstarted my journey toward my sexuality.

There are many labels out there to define someones sexuality. Terms such as Lesbian, Gay, Demisexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual and others out there are used to denote someones sexual preferences. A majority of  people have worked out their sexuality during their teenage years. It's a time for experimentation and finding out who you are and you usually have a pretty good idea who you like by your early 20's. I thought I had as well. 

I find myself going back a *few* years to being a teenager and the process of defining my sexuality, albeit without the experimentation and the fact I have to 'adult' on a daily basis. Who do I find attractive? What am I looking for in a potential partner? All questions everyone in the history of time has asked themselves. Actually having to think about it as an adult is fraught with the dangers of hindsight and experience. Your judgement is clouded. Well, it is for me. I'm a worrier and look for the worst in a situation/experience. 

You have to bear in mind, it's been 8 years since I was in a relationship and nearly 20 years since I last dated. Which also means over 8 years since I actually shared a bed or home with anyone. Then again, I'm not the person I was all those years ago. A lot has changed. I'd like to think my sexuality is still in a fluid state and still will be for a few years yet. Lately, I am finding a group of people more attractive and I can picture myself with that group more than another. Even a type is emerging. 

No clues for you though. It's something I want to keep to myself  as it's a very personal thing that is also a major part of finding myself as me. I want to see what happens and where the hormones take me and my heart. At least things don't seem so scary now. Small steps and all that...…..xx