It's not fun having so much time to mull life over. To go over where you are, how you got here and why are you here. Questioning every major decision in your life up to now. Then questioning the future. What if this? What if that? It's usually worse just as my head hits the pillow when I go to bed. That and the heartburn. 

Like a lot of people, I have never been off of work or school for this long. Not since I went to school in 1981. I feel old now. Life for me was so simple then. 3 television channels, no computers, mobile phones, no pressures of our 'modern' life. No pressure to have to conform to certain norms, have the latest stuff, clothes and gadgets. A treat was fish and chips on a Saturday night or getting a couple of books out of the library. Holidays were in the UK. We weren't an amazingly well off family, but we managed.

Life has changed many times over in the intervening years. The trauma of school, college, work, relationships, friendships and many other little trials and tribulations have made me the person I am today. A sometimes neurotic, perfectionist, stubborn, caring, resilient and lonely person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I care for those who earn my trust and respect. There are no second chances anymore. Disrespect me, lose my trust or go against me and you're gone. No if's or buts. I've been hurt, disrespected and been taken advantage of too many times by people in the past and this is now my defence mechanism.

All of this has led me to contemplate what the future holds for me. Where am I going? What am I doing? How am I doing? The future is very uncertain for me. The rise in transphobia in the UK and in the developed world is on the rise, thereby increasing the risk of attack, loss of rights, inability to access healthcare and even the ability to just survive is a very real threat. My physical transition is in some respects also on hold at the moment. The tunnel just got longer again and the light is getting further away.

The ongoing effect of this pandemic on the economy means that my employment may be in jeopardy. The ne thing that has kept me stable, is potentially going to be taken away. Add finding that someone to share my life with is, the older I get, scary, let alone adding my transition into the mix. Being single for 9 years now has also made me very set in my ways. That's another thing to contend with!

My resilience has got me this far, however, I have no idea if it will get me through the choppy waters that are in front of me. I can only dig down so far to survive before there is nothing left to fight with. The last few weeks have been very dark in places; those places are at the moment becoming more and more frequently visited. Lots of what if's and hypothesising about the future and no way of stopping that river once it's in full flow. Many sleepless night will testify to that fact. 

The fact that I've never turned to drink, drugs, (only the prescribed kind), or smoked is one thing in my favour. Never even been tempted. Ever. I didn't even have alcohol until I was 18. Not a sheltered childhood, just a lot going on during my formative years. Situations and experiences that have had a long lasting affect on my life and the directions it has taken. This is where my resilience has stemmed from. My ability to dig deep and keep going even under enormous pressure. My ability to adapt to new situations. My ability to survive. 

I need to break away from some of those experiences though and shape my future. I have been held back by certain lessons learnt which have also given me a negative effect on how I view certain aspects of life, especially interaction with other people. My life is getting shorter; nearly 8 weeks on my own at home and 9 years single means that my time is getting more precious. I can't waste anymore than I already have and am doing. Time to stop procrastinating and get a move on.