So, it's been a while. Three months to be exact. A lot has happened in that time. A lot of situations which drove me to an extremely dark place from which I thought I'd never come out of. I had gone as low as I had ever been in my life, even with my new life finally in place. I'm still not out of the woods yet, but I'm along the right path now.

The three months of June, July and August, were three of the worst months of my life. A perfect storm of issues combined to push me into a place I never want to go again. Ever. From losing some, who I thought were close, friends; almost drowning in a river; major issues with work that are still ongoing and the emotional and mental rollercoaster of hormone therapy had thrown me into a downward spiral which was gathering speed daily. Add to that having to hold down a job, run a home and actually function as a normal human being (no laughing at the back) and the fact that I'm still here is, to me, a miracle. In fact, it's a bloody miracle. 

The situation with the ex friends is what it is. EX friends. It did play on my mind for a while. Quite along time actually. Looking at the situation now, with plenty of hindsight, I've worked things through in my mind and I have moved on. I've not closed the door, it will always be open. 

Then came my second life changing experience. My worst nightmare coming true. A little background to the lead up. I had been asked to join my companies team for a local raft race. Stupidly, I agreed to row for them. We had two rafts entered, two rafts built and two teams of intrepid/stupid (delete as applicable) crew. I was on raft one. The rafts were launched and the crews boarded. No drama as yet, but the raft was a little top heavy. We were making our way to the start line when, through a series of events, the raft capsized. Pivoting on me and a branch manager (who has been very supportive of my transition), leaving us trapped, under the raft, under the water. 

One of my worst fears, if not the worst, is being trapped underwater and not being able to breathe. Which is exactly the situation I found myself in. Add to that the caveat that I can't swim and you get the picture. I did have a life jacket on, which was one saving grace. I managed, after what seemed like a lifetime, to get to a gap between the bottom of the raft and the surface of the river. Just enough to get my head into and shout for help. Unbeknown to me at the time, the manager was also trapped underwater, in the same situation as me. 

Once out from under the raft and back into daylight - a welcome sight - I looked around for the other members of the crew. I counted all four of them. My fright then turned to the safety of the crew. Someone on a paddleboard had come over to us and was towing us back to the bank. I was holding onto the paddleboard and the raft with the other members of the crew holding on to the raft. The branch manager looked frightened and I was more concerned for his welfare than I was of mine. I had faced my fear and was still alive. 

I kept an eye on him and made sure he kept his head above the water and in the end, had to get him to grab the paddleboard as I couldn't hold onto the board and raft anymore. Once we got to the bank and righted the raft, we had to get back on to get anywhere, even if we were going to give up. Once we had all got back on we had to decide if we were going to carry on. One by one, we had to decide. One by one, we said 'carry on'. And carry on we did. We finished the race. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was mentally and physically draining. By the time we reached the end, me and the branch manager were quite, sorry, very emotional. What made it harder for me, was that I had no family waiting for me. All the others did. I did have a colleague from work and his partner there, for which I was very grateful. 

This has affected me far more than I thought it would. My worst nightmare had come true and I have had enormous trouble coming to terms with it. I could have died. Second time I have come close in two years. That does some horrible things to your mind. Add that to the friend issue, for which I was still processing at the time.

Then add this into the mix. Work. Issues with. I can't go into many details as it is still ongoing. The only route out that I can see, is to leave the branch. The situation as it stands will not get any better and I have already stated that I don't want to work there anymore. All I can do is go in, work and then go home and try to make the best of it.

All the time this is all happening, I'm trying to get used to the ever increasing amounts of Estrogen in my body, the physical changes that are occurring, the emotional rollercoaster that happens when you go through puberty and the mental merry-go-round of everything. It lead me to a very dark and narrow path. I will mention the word only once. Suicide. 

I've said it. Never again. Never do I want to feel that way again. That's how far I'd sunk and how bad I felt. It's taken a lot of effort and reminders as to how far I've come and what I want to achieve to drag me back up the path. Luckily I've spent most of September either on holiday or at another branch - out of the cauldron of work. I also have to thank my friends for just being my friends. Being there. Feeding me. Getting me out of the flat. Listening to me go on and on and on............. 

I'm hoping the next three months will be better. They can't get any worse. One thing I forgot to mention; one year living full time. Go me!