Am I lovable? Will I ever find somebody who will love me for me? Will I end up a lonely lady with 100 cats and have to get cat food delivered by the lorry load? Do people really like me or do they just tolerate me? These are questions that currently plague my life. The subject of finding that significant other is one that scares me like nothing else. 

One of the things I am dealing with in my counselling sessions is relationships. Relationships between me and my friends and family and also going forward, relationships with a potential partner. It has really bought into focus to me how my relationships have and can change in an instant. I've said before about how I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved. Fact. The side effect of this is the barriers I have put up. The barriers that effect every relationship I have. The barriers that prevent me from really opening up and trusting anyone. The barriers that make me fearful that even my closest friends will eventually reject me. 

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. No one will want to be with me and no one will ever love me. As far as I am concerned, this is how it is going to be. The thought of even starting to find someone is almost impossible to conceive. The thought of even going out to date or going online to date is frightening. That fear of rejection is seemingly too much to overcome. 

I admit that I am lonely and I want to have someone special in my life. I miss that human contact. I don't feel lovable or even vaguely attractive. The counselling is helping me to equip myself with the mindfulness and belief to love myself firstly and then that will allow me to start dating and finding that someone. Helping me to break down, or at least lower these seemingly insurmountable barriers. 

Also in focus is how I generally interact with people. I fully admit that I am not the easiest person to get on with. I am moody and that generally will show in my interaction with those people I spend the most time with. I also admit that I am more selfish than I used to be. I have had to become more selfish. I have had to focus on my wellbeing and my own happiness more than ever. For the first time in my life, I come first. I have spent years putting others first and putting myself last. My happiness was put to the back of my mind as I was always making sure everyone else was happy.

This has also affected how I interact with people. Some people who were in my life just can't accept the fact that the focus is on me now and not what I can do for them. Those people who think that I should always contact them or do what they want with no regard to my wellbeing. I learnt how to say no and mean it. I do what is best for me now and not what people want me to do. I am still there for the people who mean the most to me, but I do say no more often now. 

I've a long way to go until I get anywhere near being able to date or open up to people. I've spent so long with these barriers up, that I can't remember a world without them. It's a scary prospect. But it's my only chance to find someone special and to put these fears to rest. Back to cuddling the pillow tonight. Yay.

To say the counselling has taken it's toll, would be an understatement. It really has knocked me sideways. The act of bringing situations, people and my own inbuilt fears and issues into focus and having to start really dealing with them has been both mentally and physically difficult for me. At the moment, I feel like I am just existing; nothing is going to make me happy again and I can't see a way forward. 

A lot of the issues I currently have are due to circumstances and events that have happened in the past. They go back over many, many years and each time something has happened, I usually just deal with it, put it away in a little area of my brain and move on. Only, I hadn't really dealt with anything properly. I'd just filed it away and consciously forgotten about it. However, that's where the subconscious mind has always been rifling through them, slowly making me act certain ways or making me deal with situations in certain ways. They have in their own ways, shaped how I think, act and interact with people; not always in a good way.

I know that in the long term, it will be good for me to deal with these circumstances and events once and for all and then I should be able to deal with the fallout from them which is hindering me in my everyday life. I have one overriding issue with which I need to deal with and once I have dealt with it and changed my mindset, it will be a huge stumbling block removed. It's a big ask at the moment as it is the one thing that frightens me the most, given my current situation. It's the second biggest thing I crave (after surgery), but one that can and will change my life immeasurably. 

This month also marks my two years on hormone therapy. Two years of watching the physical transformation of my face and body and my mental and emotional transformation. I can now look in the mirror and see my face has changed and is not that person I was a few years ago. As for my body, I can see some underlying changes. Especially the weight gain. About 2 stone in 2 years. Mostly a combination of hormone changes and comfort eating. Mentally and emotionally is where I see the biggest change in me. More emotional, compassionate and certainly moody!

I would never go back to who I was. That person is no longer with us. For all the negatives during my transition, it is something I have never regretted. I am who I am and now I can be that person. I am not confined to a role I was never comfortable in or a lifestyle that felt alien to me. I can express myself and live more freely. 

It is also something which, as mentioned above, gives me my greatest fear for the future. that is finding someone to share my future with. My stumbling block is being able to overcome my fear of rejection (as I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved). That fear, combined with being transgender, is one of the biggest challenges of my life to overcome. I want someone in my life, but I'm afraid it'll never happen and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Which in turn affects my mental health and makes things seem even worse. A vicious circle. 

So, put everything together and that's why I feel like I'm just existing at the moment. I can't move forward, without looking back. I'm also in limbo with a couple of other things related to my transition which add to the mix as well as working more hours to cover my trips to London for my counselling. It was never gong to be easy, I just never thought it would be this hard. xx