Am I lovable? Will I ever find somebody who will love me for me? Will I end up a lonely lady with 100 cats and have to get cat food delivered by the lorry load? Do people really like me or do they just tolerate me? These are questions that currently plague my life. The subject of finding that significant other is one that scares me like nothing else. 

One of the things I am dealing with in my counselling sessions is relationships. Relationships between me and my friends and family and also going forward, relationships with a potential partner. It has really bought into focus to me how my relationships have and can change in an instant. I've said before about how I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved. Fact. The side effect of this is the barriers I have put up. The barriers that effect every relationship I have. The barriers that prevent me from really opening up and trusting anyone. The barriers that make me fearful that even my closest friends will eventually reject me. 

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. No one will want to be with me and no one will ever love me. As far as I am concerned, this is how it is going to be. The thought of even starting to find someone is almost impossible to conceive. The thought of even going out to date or going online to date is frightening. That fear of rejection is seemingly too much to overcome. 

I admit that I am lonely and I want to have someone special in my life. I miss that human contact. I don't feel lovable or even vaguely attractive. The counselling is helping me to equip myself with the mindfulness and belief to love myself firstly and then that will allow me to start dating and finding that someone. Helping me to break down, or at least lower these seemingly insurmountable barriers. 

Also in focus is how I generally interact with people. I fully admit that I am not the easiest person to get on with. I am moody and that generally will show in my interaction with those people I spend the most time with. I also admit that I am more selfish than I used to be. I have had to become more selfish. I have had to focus on my wellbeing and my own happiness more than ever. For the first time in my life, I come first. I have spent years putting others first and putting myself last. My happiness was put to the back of my mind as I was always making sure everyone else was happy.

This has also affected how I interact with people. Some people who were in my life just can't accept the fact that the focus is on me now and not what I can do for them. Those people who think that I should always contact them or do what they want with no regard to my wellbeing. I learnt how to say no and mean it. I do what is best for me now and not what people want me to do. I am still there for the people who mean the most to me, but I do say no more often now. 

I've a long way to go until I get anywhere near being able to date or open up to people. I've spent so long with these barriers up, that I can't remember a world without them. It's a scary prospect. But it's my only chance to find someone special and to put these fears to rest. Back to cuddling the pillow tonight. Yay.