To say the counselling has taken it's toll, would be an understatement. It really has knocked me sideways. The act of bringing situations, people and my own inbuilt fears and issues into focus and having to start really dealing with them has been both mentally and physically difficult for me. At the moment, I feel like I am just existing; nothing is going to make me happy again and I can't see a way forward. 

A lot of the issues I currently have are due to circumstances and events that have happened in the past. They go back over many, many years and each time something has happened, I usually just deal with it, put it away in a little area of my brain and move on. Only, I hadn't really dealt with anything properly. I'd just filed it away and consciously forgotten about it. However, that's where the subconscious mind has always been rifling through them, slowly making me act certain ways or making me deal with situations in certain ways. They have in their own ways, shaped how I think, act and interact with people; not always in a good way.

I know that in the long term, it will be good for me to deal with these circumstances and events once and for all and then I should be able to deal with the fallout from them which is hindering me in my everyday life. I have one overriding issue with which I need to deal with and once I have dealt with it and changed my mindset, it will be a huge stumbling block removed. It's a big ask at the moment as it is the one thing that frightens me the most, given my current situation. It's the second biggest thing I crave (after surgery), but one that can and will change my life immeasurably. 

This month also marks my two years on hormone therapy. Two years of watching the physical transformation of my face and body and my mental and emotional transformation. I can now look in the mirror and see my face has changed and is not that person I was a few years ago. As for my body, I can see some underlying changes. Especially the weight gain. About 2 stone in 2 years. Mostly a combination of hormone changes and comfort eating. Mentally and emotionally is where I see the biggest change in me. More emotional, compassionate and certainly moody!

I would never go back to who I was. That person is no longer with us. For all the negatives during my transition, it is something I have never regretted. I am who I am and now I can be that person. I am not confined to a role I was never comfortable in or a lifestyle that felt alien to me. I can express myself and live more freely. 

It is also something which, as mentioned above, gives me my greatest fear for the future. that is finding someone to share my future with. My stumbling block is being able to overcome my fear of rejection (as I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved). That fear, combined with being transgender, is one of the biggest challenges of my life to overcome. I want someone in my life, but I'm afraid it'll never happen and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Which in turn affects my mental health and makes things seem even worse. A vicious circle. 

So, put everything together and that's why I feel like I'm just existing at the moment. I can't move forward, without looking back. I'm also in limbo with a couple of other things related to my transition which add to the mix as well as working more hours to cover my trips to London for my counselling. It was never gong to be easy, I just never thought it would be this hard. xx