I thought I'd add an addendum to my last post. I touched on the fact that I've gone back to wearing my prosthetic breasts and padded pants. I wanted to explain in more detail why I have taken the option at this stage in my transition. So, here goes...…….

I have, since a very early age, had body issues. Puppy fat when I was younger to the weight gain through hormone therapy and comfort eating because of poor mental health have always meant that I've spent most of my life being overweight or, as I am now classed, obese. (Really, based on health charts, I'm obese.) It had blighted me for years and I am my own worst enemy when it comes to lack of exercise and food intake. I like food, especially when I don't have to cook or pay for it!

Growing up, I had a diet of hearty meals, full fat milk, butter, but not a lot of sweets and no cola until I was 14. We had Wimpy burgers instead of McDonalds, fish and chips once a week and a roast every Sunday. Exercise was PE at school and maybe riding my bike. This was the norm until my teens, when the food variety expanded into things like pizza, pasta and curry and weekly badminton sessions and more frequent bike riding. This is when I was at my thinnest and fittest. 

So what happened? Marriage, mortgage, divorce, near death experiences, toxic friends, hormone therapy and mental health issues have all in their way contributed to my weight and exercise issues and my now bad body image issues. I was never that good with my body image before, but since starting my hormone therapy and the potential changes it could have bought, I feel that I haven't developed as I would have hoped. 

When I stared transitioning, I decided to differentiate between the two entities. I would artificially alter my body shape by using padding. Namely the prosthetic breasts and padded pants. Even after staring the hormones, I carried on using them. Then, things started to change. Breast tissue growth and rounding of the hips and bum looked promising. So I stopped wearing them. (Plus it was getting hot wearing them in the summer and a little sweaty.)

All hell then broke loose in my life. From near drowning, those toxic friends, work related issues, mental health issues, and my own issues with transitioning, exercise took a back seat and the food intake increased. So much so, that in 2 years, I have put on over 2 stone. Which I now have to lose, or I won't get my ultimate goal, gender confirmation surgery.

In those 2 years, I have gone from being excited to the changes in my body, to now hating the sight of it both clothed and unclothed. I just look like a fat person with moobs and extra bits I don't want. I have no confidence in myself as a person or as a woman, I constantly feel that people are looking and staring and talking behind my back. Even at home, this affects even the basics of how I perceive myself, how I move, sit and stand. 

These past few weeks of enforced isolation and the rediscovery of the padding have given me a lot to think about. The perfect opportunity to look at my life, where it's heading, why I feel certain ways and what I can do to move forward. I'm currently eating my 5 a day, drinking more water, am more aware of what I'm eating (thanks to a good friend of mine who is helping me to eat better, when I get back on track again) and deciding to wear the padding again. Combine that with the fact that I am more relaxed overall, considering our current situation and I am starting to feel better in myself.

The padding is making a difference. I am holding myself differently, walking differently and even sitting differently. My mindset is changing again. It's taking me back to where it should be. I feel like I should do. I'm starting to feel me again. That person who, 4 years ago, was starting to live in the world and was full of hope for the future. I'm not feeling like that 'bloke in a dress' anymore. That fraud, that fake. That person who is afraid to go out, go to the toilet, even look at themselves in the mirror. I have my confidence increasing again.

I realise that I can't wear them forever. That's just not viable. This is where the exercise comes in. If I can see changes happening for the better, that will improve my body image issues. That in turn should negate the need for some if not all the padding. I'm not ruling our a little surgical help later on in at least one area, if all else fails. Where that is, is up to you to guess and for me to know!

Hopefully, this will give you a little background to my body issues and why I have made the decision I did in my last post. Only I can go about not having to wear them in the future. I just need the willpower and gumption to start moving in that direction. Going to the gym is a non starter at the present time, as is swimming. Any exercise will have to be at home or walking outside. I will sort something out. I need to. My future really does depend on it. xx