So, as I seem to have a bit of time on my hands at the moment, I thought it was a good time to get my addled brains musings into word form for you all to read, digest or ignore at your leisure.

Living on your own during a period of self isolation is tough. It's not just the staying indoors except for legitimate reasons side of it, it's the lack of any human interaction on a daily basis. I am used to it in some ways, in living on my own, but I always had work or friends to see to cope with it. This time though, it's a lot harder and tougher on my mental health. The first week was the hardest. It hit me like a brick. No interaction at all just magnified how isolated I am and how lonely I am.

Now, I'm not looking for sympathy. Some of this is of my own doing. I am scared of meeting people outside of my circle, so I have difficulty making new friends, let alone meeting someone special. I have some good friends and not being able to see them or even interact with them on a one to one personal level is very difficult to deal with. I think, in two weeks, I've actually spoken to 5 people face to face (albeit from either behind Perspex or from 2 metres away). I have video messaged a few people as well, but it's not the same. 

All of this also meant that my operation and my current treatment are also on hold/postponed for the foreseeable future. I'm so close, but yet again, so far. I have to take it in my stride though. It's not been an easy journey so far, so this is really par for the course.

Last week was better. Last week was different. I had relaxed. For the first time in ages, even with all the uncertainty in the world, I had relaxed. Not just chilled out a bit. I relaxed. Being more relaxed has actually been a very good bonus from all of this. It has helped me to sort out my head a little as well as sorting out the physical environment around me. It has given me time to think about what is holding me back and what a rut I had fallen into. Not just work wise, but life in general.

One of my major issues is my body. For me, the hormones only do so much. With my weight, I don't feel, physically, very feminine. This the affects my mental view of myself to the point that I just feel like a fraud and essentially a 'bloke in a dress'. Yes, I have a small chest and a slightly bigger arse, but this, for me at least, isn't enough. I have been acutely aware that this makes me feel, look and act more like the wrong me, especially at home.

When I started transitioning, I wore a pair of false prosthetic breasts and a padded pants. Just to differentiate between the person I used to be and the person I should have been. I stopped wearing them about 2 years ago as I thought that I didn't need them anymore. Whilst going through the myriad of boxes under my bed, I found those attachments. So, out of curiosity, I put them on. Instantly, I felt better. I felt more like I should do. I felt empowered, I felt real. I felt me. (For those with a dirty mind, I'm way ahead of you!) I made the decision to start wearing them again, for the foreseeable future. Since then, I have felt happier, I've been proactive with sorting stuff out in the flat, doing a few bits of DIY and I am feeling better about not having any human interaction. 

Some of you may be disappointed with my decision, but my mental health is my main priority. Plus, wearing the tighter underwear means I am eating less. (Well that and the fact that I am more aware than ever about when I go/what I get, when shopping.) Eating less = Losing weight, hopefully. I religiously eating my 5 a day, drinking more water, snacking less. A double win. 

The uncertainty of the situation we are all in will hit eventually. I will dwell on it. It will pull me back down. As long as everybody does what we need to do, this will be over quicker. I just want to be able to see people in the flesh again. Not to have to stay 2 metres away or be behind Perspex. To give people a hug, to see my close friends again. Even go back to work. Yes, I said it. Work. I'm lucky that I live by the sea, 2 parks and near the town centre, meaning that I have plenty of walking options for my daily exercise. I have 3 supermarkets within walking distance as well. It could be a lot worse. I have to take the view that I am still alive and have all I need around me to survive. And tea. Plenty of tea. 

STAY HOME. SAVE LIVES. PROTECT THE NHS. The quicker we get through this, the quicker life will find a new normality. xx