Now here's a thing. This is a blog abut my life and how I'm feeling, coping, suffering. Whether it be to do with work, life outside of work, medical, physical or mental, it is a snapshot of my life at any given time. With this in mind, it's inevitable that some people (i.e. work) will, shall we say, mis-interpret or mis-construe the contents of the blog and speculate and gossip as to the situation and people involved. 

Now, as I have issues at work at the moment and I have colleagues from my place of work on a well known social media platform. I have been reminded of my 'responsibilities' with regard to my social media output where my work is involved. Therefore, I have taken the opportunity to assess my social media post accessibility via the aforementioned social media network and restrict the access to my social media output so as not to cause any possible employee/employer conflict or mis-interpretation. Clear?

Basically, someone at work has not understood what my blog is about and what it is designed to do. So, they have, for what ever reason, mis-read my last blog post, gossiped and I have now been advised to watch what I post on my blog. So, they won't now be able to see my posts and take offence. Simple? I hope so. I understand that I have to be careful where work is concerned, which is why I never say who I work for or name people involved. Yes, some people will know whom I work for, but unless I work with them on a daily basis, they won't know the people involved. 

I suppose the way to look at it is, when you've been found out, you look for any excuse to try and make it look like someone else's fault. Try and deflect attention. Fine, that's your problem to deal with, not mine. I just want to do my job, earn money and pay my way. If you have issues, your issue. Grow up and deal with them. I am. Rant over.

So, it's been a while. Three months to be exact. A lot has happened in that time. A lot of situations which drove me to an extremely dark place from which I thought I'd never come out of. I had gone as low as I had ever been in my life, even with my new life finally in place. I'm still not out of the woods yet, but I'm along the right path now.

The three months of June, July and August, were three of the worst months of my life. A perfect storm of issues combined to push me into a place I never want to go again. Ever. From losing some, who I thought were close, friends; almost drowning in a river; major issues with work that are still ongoing and the emotional and mental rollercoaster of hormone therapy had thrown me into a downward spiral which was gathering speed daily. Add to that having to hold down a job, run a home and actually function as a normal human being (no laughing at the back) and the fact that I'm still here is, to me, a miracle. In fact, it's a bloody miracle. 

The situation with the ex friends is what it is. EX friends. It did play on my mind for a while. Quite along time actually. Looking at the situation now, with plenty of hindsight, I've worked things through in my mind and I have moved on. I've not closed the door, it will always be open. 

Then came my second life changing experience. My worst nightmare coming true. A little background to the lead up. I had been asked to join my companies team for a local raft race. Stupidly, I agreed to row for them. We had two rafts entered, two rafts built and two teams of intrepid/stupid (delete as applicable) crew. I was on raft one. The rafts were launched and the crews boarded. No drama as yet, but the raft was a little top heavy. We were making our way to the start line when, through a series of events, the raft capsized. Pivoting on me and a branch manager (who has been very supportive of my transition), leaving us trapped, under the raft, under the water. 

One of my worst fears, if not the worst, is being trapped underwater and not being able to breathe. Which is exactly the situation I found myself in. Add to that the caveat that I can't swim and you get the picture. I did have a life jacket on, which was one saving grace. I managed, after what seemed like a lifetime, to get to a gap between the bottom of the raft and the surface of the river. Just enough to get my head into and shout for help. Unbeknown to me at the time, the manager was also trapped underwater, in the same situation as me. 

Once out from under the raft and back into daylight - a welcome sight - I looked around for the other members of the crew. I counted all four of them. My fright then turned to the safety of the crew. Someone on a paddleboard had come over to us and was towing us back to the bank. I was holding onto the paddleboard and the raft with the other members of the crew holding on to the raft. The branch manager looked frightened and I was more concerned for his welfare than I was of mine. I had faced my fear and was still alive. 

I kept an eye on him and made sure he kept his head above the water and in the end, had to get him to grab the paddleboard as I couldn't hold onto the board and raft anymore. Once we got to the bank and righted the raft, we had to get back on to get anywhere, even if we were going to give up. Once we had all got back on we had to decide if we were going to carry on. One by one, we had to decide. One by one, we said 'carry on'. And carry on we did. We finished the race. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was mentally and physically draining. By the time we reached the end, me and the branch manager were quite, sorry, very emotional. What made it harder for me, was that I had no family waiting for me. All the others did. I did have a colleague from work and his partner there, for which I was very grateful. 

This has affected me far more than I thought it would. My worst nightmare had come true and I have had enormous trouble coming to terms with it. I could have died. Second time I have come close in two years. That does some horrible things to your mind. Add that to the friend issue, for which I was still processing at the time.

Then add this into the mix. Work. Issues with. I can't go into many details as it is still ongoing. The only route out that I can see, is to leave the branch. The situation as it stands will not get any better and I have already stated that I don't want to work there anymore. All I can do is go in, work and then go home and try to make the best of it.

All the time this is all happening, I'm trying to get used to the ever increasing amounts of Estrogen in my body, the physical changes that are occurring, the emotional rollercoaster that happens when you go through puberty and the mental merry-go-round of everything. It lead me to a very dark and narrow path. I will mention the word only once. Suicide. 

I've said it. Never again. Never do I want to feel that way again. That's how far I'd sunk and how bad I felt. It's taken a lot of effort and reminders as to how far I've come and what I want to achieve to drag me back up the path. Luckily I've spent most of September either on holiday or at another branch - out of the cauldron of work. I also have to thank my friends for just being my friends. Being there. Feeding me. Getting me out of the flat. Listening to me go on and on and on............. 

I'm hoping the next three months will be better. They can't get any worse. One thing I forgot to mention; one year living full time. Go me!

Um, is it possible to feel absolutely nothing? Seriously. Not physically feel nothing, but emotionally? I really have no feelings at all at the moment. I'm completely numb. No anger, happiness, sadness, excitement. Absolutely nothing.

I've felt like this for a few days now. Whether it is a reaction to recent situation, I don't know, but I'm a little concerned that it shows no sign of getting any better. I've a lot going on and plenty of things coming up....and I'm like 'oh, it's that today'. I get up, do what I have to do, go to work, come home, do what I have to do, go to bed. Then do it all again. Even the thought of going out creates zero feelings. Neither ecstasy or agony.

I had become a far more emotional person than I'd ever been before. That'll be the Oestrogen for you. However, since doubling my dosage last week (more of that in another post), I seem to have gone the other way. Far worse than I was before. I still had feelings - I just kept them well hidden. I've no feelings to hide. I'm ambivalent to everything.

I know that my body and mind are adjusting to the new me, but this seems very strange, even to me (and I accept most things). I'm hoping I'll snap out of it sooner rather than later. I know what will happen if I don't; I don't want to go down that road. It's a dark place that I'd thought I'd left behind. Obviously not.

It's been a few weeks since my last post and boy, has a lot happened in that time! A time of change, personal reflection/introspection and moving on. I have come to realise a few things about friendships and their importance to not just only me, to others around me.

Since my last post, I had a well deserved weeks holiday. A time for catching up with old friends, visiting new places, setting up a new home and generally regrouping after events earlier in the month. It was nice to have a holiday where I could relax, chill and enjoy myself. The weather was fabulous. I even managed to get some sunshine and get a very slight tan! A week without makeup (except some lippy and mascara). A chance for my face to breathe.

It was liberating to go out without a full face of makeup on. The fact that I felt comfortable going out without it was another step out of my comfort zone. So much so, that I'm even going to work without as much on. Yes, there is still a hint of shadow which I can't do much about at the moment, but I don't have a problem with it. I'm confident in how I look when I go out; being confident is a big part of making sure that I am not afraid to leave my comfort zone and try something new. I'm always changing and adapting.

Change has been a big thing for me recently. From moving home to finding myself again and a lot in between. Moving home has been a way for me to get to know myself again. My own space. Being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want. Having clean cutlery and crockery; a clean bathroom and kitchen; no struggling with a broadband connection with 2 Xboxes running at the same time. A good place to come home to at the end of the day. My own sanctuary. So far, I'm loving it.

I have also been able to find myself again. I had become too fixated on becoming someone else and forgetting the essence of who I actually am and who I will develop into. Too busy trying to emulate others and losing my own identity. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I am me. I have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings. I vowed that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me how I should think and feel. That resolve has become stronger recently. I won't go into details - the situation is in the past and I've dealt with it.

I've had a lot of time to think about the relationships that I have with my friends. My friends come in all ages and walks of life. They have all contributed in their way to my life. Some more than others but that is because I see them more than others. I value my friendships; I like to think that I am loyal to my good friends and I would never do anything intentionally to harm or hurt them. If I do, please tell me. I'd rather try and work things out and try to work out why I did what I did - I probably didn't realise that I was doing it.

I always try to look at things from all points of view so I can see how I might have affected a situation or relationship. Unfortunately not everyone seems to and I have to get used to that. I have lost two friends recently - my own fault - but the situation since has allowed me to move on and look at my life as a whole. It's a time to reconnect with others and re establish my own identity. Life goes on. People move on. I'm still here.

Life is precious

This is just an observational post. Just something to think about. Something that has focused my mind over the past week. 

Last week was a week for reflection and introspection for me. Taking stock of things that have happened in my life and in the general world. I have had and still have issues. However, given the events of last week elsewhere, I know how lucky I am. I can still get up in the morning, go to work and come home again. 

Some people don't have homes to go to. Some people have lost not just possessions, but friends and family. They are the people who have lost so much. It makes some of my issues and problems seem petty. I am so lucky. It could all go in an instant. You have one life to lead. Make every day count. 

I have regrets in my life. I try not to dwell on them anymore otherwise I'm just wasting my life worrying about them. I'm not perfect, never will be. I just have to remember how lucky I am. As we all should. 

Puberty. A world of wonder. Especially if you have number of years of life experience behind you. 

I am emotionally a 13 year old girl with the logic of a 40 year old. A difficult balancing act with which I am currently struggling with. Add holding down a full time job, moving home and general adulting and you get someone who is in danger of falling apart completely. Which was me last week and early this week. 

I was on the verge of completely breaking down. I couldn't cope. I may seem ok, in control or there is nothing wrong, but I was seconds away from total meltdown. I needed help. I needed support. I didn't realise it until I actually stopped on Saturday evening last week. It hit me like a brick.

I last felt like this about 4 years ago. I couldn't cope with everything going on in my life and I actually broke. I couldn't take it anymore. It took me at least two years to get back to an even keel and move forward. Lately, with the hormone effects and other issues and helping others, I've lost a huge chunk of the emotional stability and independence I had. 

I am changing as a person, evolving, growing. I realise that people have to get used to the changes in me and that I will get things wrong and make mistakes. I have to be patient with people whilst they are getting used to the new me. On the flip side, people have to realise that I need support, advice and to tell me where I'm going wrong, being a teenager or doing something right. I realise that people have their own lives to lead and that I do have to cope with things on my own. However, even though I have the logic within me to know that I am being a pubescent girl, the pubescent girl takes over and logic doesn't get a look in. 

I have made mistakes. I know that. I'm sorry. I will make more. I'm sorry for those too. I'm not perfect. I still have to adult. I can't just storm off into my room and strop, sulk and hide away. I still have to cook, clean, wash up, iron, work full time whilst going through a complete change in my physical and mental outlook. Puberty. At 40.

Just remember, I may seem ok. I may only just be holding it together. The ODM had years of experience in looking and acting ok, when all they wanted was someone to give them a hug and say:' You're not ok, talk to me. I'm listening.' I need that. More than ever before. 

The curse of an over active mind. I'm laying in bed, trying to get to sleep. I should be out for the count, given the amount of both physical and mental work I have done this weekend. I've spent the weekend moving into my new flat. I started at 6 am on Saturday morning, finishing at 11.30 pm and was up again at 8 am today and other than a couple of hours in a car to Ikea, finished at 9.30 pm this evening. 

I have got most of the basics sorted; bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and I can now sit on my sofa and watch the tv or listen to the radio in my living room. I still need day some furniture for the living room to finally sort it out fully. I have been a busy bee, but it doesn't seem to be enough. 

People who know me and have read my blog, know that last week wasn't a good week overall. I created some issues, which in hindsight, were non issues but the after effects are still playing on my mind. I don't want to blame the hormones, but, after a talk with someone who has been a massive help for a few years now, they are in a way a cause of my initial issues.

I am basically a pubescent girl. So, a hormonal teenager. Throw into the mix a complete change in body chemistry which has changed my thought process, has made me so much more emotional and hopefully empathetic; moving home; work issues; lack of sleep and not eating properly aren't doing me any favours.

I am exhibiting a few traits of being a girl going through puberty. One being jealousy. Seeing people doing things without you that you feel you should have been invited to. I'm not going to lie, being single does make a difference to my social life. Almost all of my social group are couples. These couples socialise with other couples. Fact. It happened to the ODM when they became newly single. Most of the couples slowly faded away as a social group. Luckily, someone took the ODM under their wing and gave them the confidence to be more social.

This time though, the added complication of puberty, seeing other people in relationships and wanting one of your own as you are lonely and actually being single aren't a good combination. This is, I think, the basis for my issues this time and the effects of that issue are seriously affecting me now. The overriding issue keeping me awake is the fear that I have done major damage to two relationships with people who I look up to. I may be totally wrong or I may be totally right. I just don't know. So, my mind decides that it will go through every possible scenario it can create, good but mostly bad and play on my fears. 

I have a more subjective view now of the events that happened and in my conscious state can reason them. My subconscious takes over as soon as my head hits the pillow and there is no reasoning with it. I'm hoping that by writing this post that it will help clear my mind a little and help me sleep. I don't want to feel this way again. It's horrible and it makes me feel horrible that I may have upset some fabulous friends. If I have upset them, I hope they can forgive me and we can move on. We only live once - I don't want to lose good friends. They can be hard to find and having those on my journey will make it so much easier. xx