Yet again, certain media outlets and certain sections of society are trying to erase my existence. So, not only do I live in constant fear of abuse, I also have to read and watch whilst I am told I don't really exist or I'm just a man in a dress. I will never be a woman, I will always have male privilege and I want to push Cis women aside and attack them whenever I use 'their' facilities. So, basically, I'm a big fat liar who plays at dressing up.

Well, sorry to disappoint you. Admitting to myself that I was born in the wrong body has been a 25 year journey. A journey of, to be frank, absolute hell at times. The feeling of growing up in the wrong body and having to conform to that body, when really, your subconscious is telly you that something isn't right. The wanting to literally be someone else, to be free to be myself constantly eating away at you. Living a lie. 

Ever since I started my transition, I have felt freedom to be myself like never before. My life makes sense now. I feel right. From my head to my toes and everything else in between. I'm not a man in a dress; I am a woman. My body is starting to match the feelings my mind and heart have always felt. 
I have never felt I've had male privilege as it didn't resonate with me. I've always had to fight my corner and to be heard. I notice male privilege more now, so perhaps I was afforded it but never realised. 

When it comes to facilities, i.e. Toilets, there is one reason and one reason only that I use them. Newsflash! I need to go to the toilet. Nothing more, nothing less. Same as each and every one of you.
Changing rooms in shops. I want to try stuff on. I also eat, drink, sleep, cry, love and think just like every other human being. I am a human being first and foremost.

All of this 'discussion' about my existence is quite basically a load of crap. I am here, I exist, I am living my life, paying my bills, doing most of the things I want to do. Life is harder in some ways now and that is the price I'm having to pay for being true to myself. From the constant fear of abuse, the everyday onslaught of my right to exist, to finding that special someone to share my life with. My mental health has sustained enormous damage over the past year. I amaze myself that I'm still able to function most days. The temptation to shut off the world around me is huge given everything I have and I am dealing with. But I don't. I am stronger than the bullies, the populist and scaremongering media and the narrow minded sections of society. I am stronger than the people who deny my right to exist. 

I AM HERE! I am living my life, my way, in my own time. I am a Woman. I am Female. That's how I feel. That's how I've always felt.

Happiness. Never underestimate it's healing powers or it's ability to lift your mood. It is something that has been in short supply for me over the past year. The odd glimmer here and there but mostly there has been the cloak of sadness and the hat of depression. There have been a few developments in my life which have lifted the hat and taken off the coat for the time being and if all goes to plan, I can at least pack them away for a while.

After spending 3 weeks off of work, I have been, albeit, temporarily moved to a different branch. My position had become untenable, through no fault of my own. So, due to the life changing year I have coming up, I don't need that kind of stress in an already quite stressful life. So far, things are a lot better. It has improved my mental health, my physical fitness and my confidence. I have a manager who is using my skill set and colleagues who will actually speak to me. I'm actually enjoying work again. Hopefully, long term I will get to stay either in this branch, or one of the other local branches.

Being in another branch at the moment is a good thing as I no longer have a car. My automobile has gone to the salvage yard after being written off. I only had a low speed bump, less than 5mph and on the basis of 4 photos, my insurance company have paid out. I was thinking of getting rid of it anyway as I didn't need one so big. (Oooh-err missus!) Decision made then. As I am getting the bus into work, the car was just sitting there anyway. Depending on the branch I end up in will also make my decision as to if I replace the car. The benefits at the moment outweigh the drawbacks. Improving my fitness by more walking, my mental health by less stress from driving and my bank balance by no incidental motoring costs.

I'm looking forward to two weeks off next month. This time, I won't have to worry about going back and can enjoy them. My first Speech Therapy group session is in those two weeks and I am planning a bit of an image change. No details, you'll just have to wait for the photos. Time to enjoy life again and look forward to what is coming up in the next 12 months. There is a long way to go, but I'm feeling more confident that I can make the changes needed to get to my goals. Wish me luck!

After yesterdays musings, now it's time for an actual update on how everything is going on a daily basis. The diary of my transition is the title of this blog so it's only right I keep you all updated. So, here goes...…

The physical effects of the hormone therapy have levelled out at the moment. My body has changed shape; my skin is softer; I am developing a (small) chest and putting on weight around my thighs and hips. I have put on a bit of weight generally around my middle which I will need to shift at some point. I am also vitamin D deficient again. More tablets. Up to 7 a day now.However, I need to deal with another issue before I really get into that. I am currently undergoing speech therapy and I am due to start electrolysis (finally) at some point. Still having to shave every day is a huge chore. 

Mentally, I'm in a slightly low place at the moment. Major issues at work have pulled me down. I can't go any further into this as it's still ongoing. It has caused me to seek time off of work as it and still is affecting me physically as well. I am suffering from a loss of confidence and with the issues in yesterdays post, they have pushed me down.

On the plus side, however, I have currently been discharged from the care of the consultant at the clinic and have been referred for surgery - I am currently awaiting my first outpatients appointment. Hopefully, this time next year, I will be in the recovery phase of my transition. There's still along way to go before that happens; weight loss/BMI reduction and more electrolysis due to past operations. I shall explain all another time.

What is next? Firstly, improving my mental health. That's the priority. I'm lucky that I've had a good group of people around me recently that have been looking out for me and keeping me relatively sane. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done recently - I really appreciate it. Secondly, weight loss and exercise. My BMI and waist measurement have to be within certain parameters to be eligible for surgery. I've come this far and don't want to have any more holdups in treatment. 

So, that's where I am. Still plenty of hoops to jump through, things to do, weight to lose and issues to solve. Fingers crossed xx

My name is Danielle. If you want to put a label on me, use Transgender Female. I prefer Human Being myself. Why? I am a Human Being, first and foremost. My gender should not come into the equation, however, it does. You may ask yourself; 'If your gender doesn't matter, then why are you putting yourself through the process of changing it?' It's a question I have asked myself many times over the past few years. Why am I putting myself through all of the aggravation, pain and mental health issues? 

I have for many years now, known that I am my own person. Whether other people like that person is entirely up to them. I am fiercely independent, know what I like and dislike, a good listener, sometimes be very annoying and tells crap jokes. That essentially makes me, well, me. So why am I going through the transition from changing my 'assigned at birth' gender to another? To align my mind and heart with the body I should have had. Lets face it, there are many gender markers out there, but 2 basic body types. Those with dangly bits for genitalia and those with non dangly bits for genitalia. Those with developed mammary glands and those without. I an correcting what mother nature got wrong and putting my brain and heart in the right body shape for their feelings. 

Now recently, there has been a lot of media attention regarding the rights of transgender people, not just in the US but right here in Blighty. Only last weekend, a group of transphobic people from the LGBTQ+ community hijacked the pride parade in London hurling their transphobic propaganda out to the crowd. (Excuse me if I sound biased, but, well, you can see why.) You see, this very small minority of people claim that I will never be a woman and therefore, shouldn't be included into that sphere. 'You can't just have an operation and be a woman. You will never know what it's like to grow up as a woman and go through all that a woman has to go through. You shouldn't be allowed into Female spaces during transition either.' (Please note the use of Woman in their argument as opposed to Female.)

This is very true. I never will know what it is like to grow up as a woman. However, I have grown up in the wrong body (Male) and lived with my internal struggle for about 25 years. Puberty the first time around was bad enough as I wished for my body to be different and that I'd one day wake up with a female body. I spent a lot of my years from 8 to 16 being bullied for being a bit different and not getting involved in sports or playing with traditionally boys toys. As soon as I could, I started dressing in secret as female and knew instantly that I felt more at ease with myself.  It just felt right.

I went through my own growing up cycle, trying to come to terms with my own issues whilst trying to become an adult, make job decisions and outwardly appear as people wanted me to appear due to the gender I was assigned at birth. I even got married. Those feelings were still there, in the furthest recesses of my brain. So, no, I didn't grow up as a woman, but I had a feeling that I was female from an early age and had to grow up with that and thinking that I would be in the wrong body for the rest of my life.

Luckily, I am in a position to change that. This does come with it's own plethora of issues, hoops to jump through and anguish to contend with. Long waiting lists for treatment, the stares, funny looks, feelings of dread and fear when in public that you might get some physical or verbal abuse. My one overriding fear, day in and day out, is the fear of the abuse. Every time I go out, use public toilets, use public transport, I fear that someone will say or do something. If I go into a female toilet, even though I know that I identify as female and I am legally entitled to be there, I fear someone taking offence at my presence when all I want to do is use the loo. I identify as female, my brain says I identify as female and my heart definitely says I'm female. 

I don't feel male at all and any last vestiges of my assigned maleness have almost gone. Some won't go completely - they will be the parts that make me who I am. That's the point of all this. I am me. A human being. Who has the right to deny me my basic human rights? All I want in life is to be comfortable in my own skin, earn money, have a nice home and nice things, be happy and find someone to be with. The same as 99% of the people on this planet. I just want to live as me, in the right body, liking and disliking what I like, listening to the music I like and telling my crap jokes. Please?

Finally, a bit of sunshine and warmth after the wind, show and cold weather. The lighter mornings and evenings are also an added bonus. It helps lift the mood, doesn't it? It's good timing as things are starting to look better for me, mentally. The couple of months of enforced solitude and my own company are starting to pay dividends. Apart from some pre arranged events, I haven't been anywhere special or seen many people. 

The flip side of this, is that I have really neglected some friendships. Totally my fault and my problem to try to rectify. In a past life, I truly put others before myself. However, since my transition began, I have had to become more self centred and that has been, sometimes, to the detriment of some friendships. It's an alien concept for me, which sometimes envelops me with guilt. Then I get frightened of dealing with it, just in case of a negative reaction. A catch 22 scenario. 

My life is still in a state of flux and will be for a while to come. I am still finding myself in some ways. After 30+ years of not being truly who I should have been, it's not going to be a quick and easy process. Some things will never change, like my taste in music, (Hey, I like my euro pop and French house music), love of food (hence the weight gain), bad jokes (puns are fun, I'll have you know) and walks along the beach. It's my outlook on life and how I deal with things that are changing. Working out what is important and what isn't, has been liberating. Things or situations that I perceived as being important have become less important and visa versa.

For me, it's the puberty I never really had as a teenager. Due to numerous situations at the time, I never really did the things a typical teenager did. I bypassed all the usual social, mental and physical rights of passage and went into full time work as a necessity. To an extent, I have had a very sheltered life - no alcohol until I was 18, never tried any kind of drugs (due to being on long term medication), as for losing my (old) virginity...............! I never really found what I really liked, loathed, loved or wanted from life. I just sort of existed. Days turned into months, months into years. It just took a couple of major life events to push me in  the right direction.

Right now, this week, some of the main things I'm worried about are my hair (really need to style it, but not sure what to do), getting beach fit for the summer (really need to lose that weight now) and wondering if I'm ever going to find that special someone.......(it's a little bit more tricky than you think for me). It may seem superficial to some people and it probably is, given some of the other things I should be dealing with, but, these are all new things for me to worry about and part of me finding myself. So there!

Medically, or to be exact, vocally, I had my re-arranged speech therapy appointment cancelled. Luckily, it was before I had made my way to the clinic. It has now been scheduled for next month - fingers crossed it now goes ahead. I already have a consultant's appointment that day, so at least it won't be a wasted journey. My voice is the one thing that I feel lets me down the most, other than having to scrape my face everyday (razor blades and shaving gel are expensive if you want decent stuff).

There are a few things I have to do everyday, just to look vaguely human and not attract too much attention/just pass. Extra pieces of underwear here, face scraping there, slightly more attention to detail on some other things. It's become second nature to me now, but I'll be glad when I don't have to do some of it anymore. Would I change it? Never. It's part of who I am becoming and it shouldn't be forever. That's one thing you can be certain of. I am here to stay. xx

Sunday 1st April 2018
1 Year on Hormone Therapy (just)
Current Mood is Reflective and Determined

I am finally getting used to my own company again. It's been like pressing the reset button on my life. It's given me a chance to reflect on where I am and where I am going. I seem to have lost myself over the past year with everything that has happened and just stepping back a little has given me the chance to see things a little clearer and to clear away some of the detritus that has accumulated recently.

The hormone therapy is finally changing me into the person I want to be, physically. I can see how my body is changing and evolving into a more feminine one. The only downside is the weight gain. I was told the average is a 9lb increase; I've somehow managed to put on at least double that! I am putting some of that down to comfort eating/lack of exercise and given events over the past year, It's understandable. So I am now determined to lose the weight and bring my BMI back down. Long term, I need to shift it if I am to move onto the next stage of my transition; surgery. 

Mentally, however, I have struggled to move forward and there are times in which I feel I have moved backwards to the person I am getting away from. For all the good points on the physical side, the hormones have had an effect on the mental side. I had to find my way again and focus on me and who I am. So a period of reflection and introspection has been very refreshing and needed. I have been able to straighten my head out and look to where I am going more clearly again and who I am becoming. Clearing certain things, processes and people out of my life is having a positive effect. A life laundry as it were. Even at work, I am adopting a new attitude - I'm there to work and nothing more.

Some good things have happened recently. I finally have my new passport (yay!) and I have new exam certificates. They may not seem like much, but my new passport has my new name AND new gender marker and the new certificates will be useful when I finally look for another job. I am also starting my speech therapy, finally. After a false start last month, I have my first full session this week. This is the one physical thing I can't change through any other means than practice. It's another piece of the jigsaw that is finally slotting into place. More bits of my old life are being erased and consigned to the bin. That person is fading further and further into the distance, never to return.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why. I'm just regrouping, resetting and grounding myself. 

I'm going to rename the blog, for this week at least, 'The Hormonal rantings of a Trans Woman or the musings of a Pubescent Adult Female.' I think that will adequately describe what I am about to write about. If you haven't already guessed, it will involve hormones, emotions, sensations and my body trying and succeeding to trick me.

Although I have mentioned this before, here is a brief overview of what I am currently experiencing.  A combination of Estrogen and a testosterone suppressant is helping to physically change my body. A body ravaged by years of testosterone. It changes my physical appearance, redistributing the fat to create a more feminine shape, develops breast tissue, softens the skin and reduces body hair growth. The change in my hormonal balance has also changed the way I see and experience life, especially emotionally, namely a greater range of emotional experience, greater mood swings, more empathy and a change in the way I view the world. My struggles with my mental health have been well documented already - they are still ongoing.

When I started my hormone therapy, I did start to fall into a 28 day cycle. Feeling emotional; wanting to kill and then wanting to cry and then feeling unwell; headaches and overwhelming desire to sleep.
I went through a couple of these cycles until my dosage was increased. Then, nothing. Maybe the odd week of PMS, the odd few days of headaches straight after, but generally, not too many bad weeks. That was until last week. The week my body thought it would be fun to experiment with this cycle and completely throw me off guard.

(By the way, I'm making a cup of tea whilst writing this and have committed the cardinal sin of putting in the milk before the hot water. I hang my head in eternal shame.) My last increase in dosage was last December. 8mg of Estrogen. No real issues with the increase, I thought I'd got away with it again. All was good until the beginning of last week. My PMS started. Mood swings, mainly anger and irritability. Fine, I thought, no biggie. Then, on Sunday, my body decided that I needed to experience some of the pain that comes during the menstruation stage.

I know I don't possess the correct physical attributes to accurately experience the pain of this phase of the cycle, but my body gave me back ache, a cramping sensation, intense headaches, sore breasts and wanting to eat my own (increasing) body weight in food. It gradually got worse on Monday. I had been feeling grotty at work and the cramping had got worse during the day. Getting home was a struggle, between the headaches and the back pain. It resulted in me curled up on the sofa, under a blanket with a hot water bottle. Even the then, the pain was only subdued. 

The combination of everything was unlike anything I have experienced before. To all you genetic females out there, I now have a small insight into what you have to go through and I have the greatest respect for you all. You are all amazing. For me, it's all part of my transition and something that I may have to get used to. I'm only just getting used to the mood swings! I went to bed, still cuddling the now lukewarm hot water bottle in search of some relief. Luckily, I was off on Tuesday, but, unluckily, I had to be up early. 

Tuesday, however, was a new day and my body had decided that I'd had enough pain for a couple of days and let me wake up feeling marginally better. I was up early as I had my appointment with my GP for my 12 week check up. A transition MOT check. The good news is my Estrogen count is where it needs to be and the bad news is my weight gain. 20lb since last June!! I expected a little bit, due to the fat redistribution, but not that much. OK, perhaps there is a little comfort eating in there, but that's quite a lot in just over 6 months. So, I have been advised to exercise a bit more, watch what I eat a bit more and generally keep an eye on it. 

Someone has asked me if I regret the decision I took over 2 years ago, to go through all of this. Even with the pain. mood swings, constant appointments and all that goes with transitioning. My answer - not one little bit. It's part of who I am and who I'm becoming. It's the person inside me finally emerging from the assigned gender to which I was given at birth. Puberty as an adult is hard, really hard. However, given my bodily changes and my new lease of life, ultimately worth it.