Not feeling at my best tonight. Had another counselling session today and it has again taken it out of me. I'm feeling pretty deflated and low at this moment in time. I know it's a necessary part of the ongoing, I hate to say it, treatment protocol, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pretty awful afterwards.

The thing is, it brings issues up which up until now, I had dealt with in my own way, i.e. Buried deep in the recesses of my mind. So really, not dealing with them at all. Just pushing them to one side, hoping that they would never rear their ugly heads again. However, to deal with them fully, I have to dust them off and fully deal with the issues and where these issues stem from. 

Part of this, is going back many, many years. To my childhood to be exact. My formative years and issues that arose in that time. I'm not going to go into any detail on here, as people involved cannot put their side of the issue, but suffice to say that events and actions during that time have had a very significant effect on me and how I have evolved as a person. Those actions still effect me to this day and they have affected any relationship, both family, friend or significant other that I have had. 

This is something I've known for many years, but have probably been afraid to admit it to myself for fear of causing upset, retaliation or denial from those involved. However, due to those relationships being, shall we say, broken, I can now admit to myself that my life and how I live it has been affected for all these years. Fears of intimacy, opening up to people, craving love and affection, just wanting a cuddle and to be told it's all going to be ok. I know that many of these are just normal things to want, but for me, they have been a major overriding factor in my developing relationships with anyone. 

I'm not a very confident person around people at the best of times (although some of my friends would disagree with that). I don't think anyone I know truly knows everything about me; every little thing about my life and what has happened. I don't think I remember everything. I've probably blotted a lot out so I can at least function as a human being. I don't open up to people very easily due to my fear of getting hurt by people who know too much about me. I think this stems from everyone I have trusted in the past, all of those who should have been there for me, have hurt me and disowned me in some way. That's a very big issue to deal with.

My life at the moment is still very much a work in progress and over the next few months, I am going to get days like this. Hopefully by the end of my sessions, I can break down some of the barriers that I have put up, primarily to protect myself from getting hurt yet again and to hopefully find that special someone with whom I can have that cuddle and be told it's all going to be ok. 

I've been trying to think of what to write for a few weeks now. I've wanted to update my blog, but have had no idea what to say or how to say it. As per usual, it has been a roller coaster of emotions, good things, happy things, sad things and angry things. Happily, I am in a better place this year to deal with the constantly fluctuating emotional scale that is my life.

Where to begin? Lets start with a good thing. Surgery. That's right. Surgery. I have finally had my first appointment with my surgeon for my GRS (genital reconstruction surgery). A 15 minute appointment in London with 5 and a half hours total travelling time to and from the clinic. Don't anyone ever tell you I am not committed to this. Up at 4.45am, Started work at 7am, left work at 10.30am, caught train at 11.10am, got to the mainline station in London at 1.20pm(main line to London closed, 50 mile detour) underground to nearest clinic station, arriving at the clinic at 2pm for a 2.30pm appointment. In to see the surgeon at 2.25pm. starting my journey back home at 2.40pm. Arrived home at 6pm. A very long day, but it will be ultimately worth it.

So, what happened you may ask? Well, I am borderline, BMI wise, so got to lose a bit of weight (set myself a 2 stone minimum, currently lost half a stone), got to have electrolysis on my scrotal skin (due to past operations, my operation will be slightly different) and this will take at least 6 months, once I have my funding. After 5 months I can contact the clinic and I will be put on the surgery waiting list, which should be a maximum of 3 months. The problems that may occur were run through as was the recovery and maintenance after the operation. Scared, yes; ready for it, ABSOLUTELY!! Bring it on!

Where next? Something which is both good and upsetting. Psychology. Basically, counselling. I have been waiting for this for nearly 2 years and should have had it last year. It's designated to help me navigate the many issues that have arisen from my decision to transition. Things such as coping with the rampant transphobia in the media; navigating the wider world and my fears in just existing as me and the fears in starting any kind of relationship, combined with navigating my sexuality.

I have had my first session. It was really an assessment as to what to cover in the ongoing sessions. This is where it became upsetting. I had to drag up a lot of things that I had repressed and put away, stuff that was really still quite raw to me. It really took it out of me for a few days, made me feel really low and emotional. I'd just got to a point where things were looking up and I was feeling better and BOOM!; back about 12 months emotionally. It took me a few days to realise that, to move forward, I will need to have times like these and the counselling will ultimately help me to deal with the issues I have and let me move on and live my life my way. I've another 7 sessions to go. Apologies to anyone I know if I disappear for a few days after each one. Nothing personal - I will just need to deal with things in my own way. 

On the flip side to the good things, the angry things. Unfortunately, one of the things that has made me angry I cannot mention in my blog anymore as it upsets someone. Perhaps as it's too close to home and the truth? As I don't know who they are and I only have it as second hand info, however, all I can say is suck it up sunshine and perhaps look a little closer to home. I don't like snitches anyway and by your actions, you have taken something away from this blog which allowed me to get all the anger and resentment out of my mind, allowing me to move on and deal with certain things, Thank you for helping to magnify some of my issues and not being able to deal with them effectively. Thank you for again for your ignorance and lack of tolerance. It won't be forgotten. 

Right, rant over on that one. My second angry thing is the friendship issue. This has been prompted by a post seen today on a social network site. Those people who have fallen away ever since I decided to transition and ever since they have found relationships themselves. I was a good 'friend' when they were single and wanted to go out but once they found someone and I became me, I have been dropped so fast, I didn't have time to blink. Thanks guys. Thanks for your continued support. Thanks for bleeding me dry emotionally, abusing my hospitality and good will.

I'm lucky that I have a good group of friends who have been and are still there for me. They are my true friends. In fact, in some cases, it goes beyond friendship and into family. They get to enjoy the person I am and all that goes with it. The loyalty, the help, the support, even the bad jokes. They are the most important people in my life. They have got me to where I am today. To those who have decided my friendship isn't worth anything, I say Goodbye. Obviously you can't cope with my fabulousness and awesomeness, hence why you've decided you can't be friends with me anymore. If our paths cross, I shall permit a polite hello, but you shall forever only be an acquaintance and we can never have any sort of friendship again. Your time has gone and that ship has sailed. 

And relax. I feel better now. Got it out of my system. Slightly melodramatic perhaps, but gets my point across. I doubt anyone who it's aimed at will ever see it or hear about it, but it needed to be said. I know I've posted recently about friendship but again it has irked me and I needed to vent and say something. Probably a bit more robust this time, but it is very important to me. I'm not needy when it comes to friendship, but I like loyalty and commitment in friendships and it disappoints me when I give and like to nurture friendships and I get nothing back and in the case of these people, ignored and ultimately, dropped. Just shows what kind of people they really are and probably for the best we are not friends. 

I think I've covered everything. Happy and good, check. Sad and angry, check. I've a busy 6 months coming up, spring is here and today, even the sun is shining. Life is ok at the moment and I've a lot to look forward to. I've even written a little article, which is due out next month, on the subject of family and specifically adopted family. It was hard to write, given the subject, but good to share with a wider audience and hopefully make people understand that transitioning isn't all happiness and light, it can have a very deep emotional price in some cases. Having a family is a very special gift in this life, I'm just happy that I have 2 adopted families that have taken me in and make sure I'm ok. Never underestimate the power of having a loving family. It makes life a whole lot easier. (Yes, this is a pointed remark, lets see who gets it).

Time for a happy post. The last 18 months have been mostly doom and gloom, mainly because my life has seemed to lurch from one bad situation to another. These situations have caused me to look ever deeper into myself, my life and those who choose to be in my life. I have made it through, I have kept going and I am still here.

One thing I have learnt is the art of self care. I am the most important person in my life right now, its up to me to make sure I'm happy, contented and sane. Realising this was the game changer for me. Actually concentrating on myself fully and taking control of a situation was the start of the turnaround. Just making sure I took myself out of a very toxic environment and repaired some of the damage caused mentally has got me through another low at the end of 2018.

There were a few highlights last year. One of those was the start of my speech therapy. Four one to one sessions, followed by six group sessions. A very useful course and one of the 'treatments' that I can actually get on with in my own time without waiting for consultants or clinics or appointments. Breaking down how your voice works and how to change it into how I want it to sound like. Giving us the building blocks on which to construct our voice and help our transition.

For me, it has, looking back, been a very positive step for me. Not just for the bare bones of what need to be done to achieve a new voice, but the love and support of a small group of people who know exactly what you're going through and who are all prepared to help each other out when we get down about our voices or are not generally confident in ourselves. It pushed me out of my comfort zone by getting me to act in front of a group of strangers. It got me thinking about how I shouldn't worry about how I'm perceived in the big wide world and it made me more confident as a person. More confident that I can achieve what I want to achieve.

Yesterday, sadly was the last group session. The last time we would all be in the same room (for the foreseeable future...……). I have to say that I was saddened by that. This small group of people who I didn't know from Eve could have such an effect on my life. I always went into each session apprehensive but always came out happy and more confident. We have all agreed to keep in touch and hopefully we will all get together periodically and maybe in smaller groups as and when we can. I hope we can. We are all on our own journeys, but ultimately have the same goal. 

Overall, my work life is more stable, my flat is becoming my home, my sanctuary and those around me are those I want around me. This year is one in which I intend to push myself out of my comfort zone even more, experience new things, people and places. Make new friends and cherish the ones I already have. Those who love me for me, the good and the bad(jokes). I know I don't speak to some of you that often, especially those who live that little bit further away. I still want you in my life and I hope you still want to be in mine. 

This crazy ride still has some way to go. Buckle up people, there's still far more to come...….....xxxx

Time for my first post of 2019. I'm going to start with a review of 2018. A year of few highs and many lows. Many, many lows. The fact I am still here, is to me, a major achievement of 2018. That's right. The spectre of suicide crossed my mind at one point. The thought of even trying to carry on in the face of what as happening seemed too much of an obstacle to overcome. 

You see, I can't take antidepressants. If I'm low, I have to work things out myself. Only I can pull myself out. The problem is, every time I have to pull myself out, It depletes my ability to do so next time. So, this time, I had virtually nothing to work with. I was spent. The tank was empty, the well was dry. What probably saved me, in conjunction with the support of those who know me, was my general inability to actually do anything I said I would. I just couldn't be bothered.

The seeds for this were sown in 2017. My employers inability to deal with a situation effectively, which intensified enormously in 2018, the continued aftermath of my near drowning, the effective abandonment of some of my so called 'friends' combined with the relentless media, both print and social, attacks on the transgender community made for a very hard and punishing year on my physical and mental health. The lack of support from my close blood relatives (I refuse to call them family) always hurts. I want to thank the one member of my blood family who has bothered to contact me recently - it really means a lot to me.

The work situation, at the moment, is better. A new branch and a manager who gets me. Lets me actually do my job. It took drastic action and a couple of months of suffering to gain the momentum to get the wheels in motion to deal with the situation once and for all. I can't say what I want to say, as people from my work read this and if it gets back to the ivory towers, I will get into all sorts of trouble. (Probably will for this, but it shouldn't have got to that point in the first place).

I have come to terms with the loss of friends - their choice and they are the ones missing out. Just to clarify my last post, the dig is at 3 very specific people who don't live very far away from me. About 7 to 8 miles away. It is not directed to anyone else. The rest, sod you. I'm me, this is my life, I'm absolutely fabulous, you're the ones losing out. End of. Only the chosen few stay in my life - hopefully they love me warts and all. I'm a one off, diamond in the rough, extremely loyal, fiercely independent and very loving. I can also be very sarcastic, love puns and innuendo, love tea, chocolate biscuits, worry about getting fat, having small boobs and can get wild mood swings. Anything I've forgotten? Probably. I'm also modest. 

So, what does 2019 have in store? Who knows. I'm taking things as they come at the moment. Practising self care and getting myself straight, both physically and mentally. My health is more important than anything. Then it's surrounding myself with good friends and family (not the blood relative kind). Those who have adopted me as theirs and treat me as such. Those who take me warts and all. People who actually want to talk to me and be their for me. 

Hopefully this is also the year of surgery. Yes folks, 4 years since I initially went to my GP for a referral, I have been referred by the clinic for surgery. (Except that, at the moment, the clinic I have been referred to have no record of it - I am working on this). 4 years of tears, tablets, jumping through hoops, dealing with the NHS and the slooooooooooooow pace of actually getting anything done, as well as coping with my own upheavals. Fingers crossed it actually happens this year. The year my body and mind become one and the same.

I can't guarantee to post frequently or often, if I do, I hope they will be a bit more upbeat and happy than they have been. After all, it is a snapshot of how I am feeling at any given time. I hope the really bad times are behind me now. The only way is up, right? xx

Friendship. A many faced dice with a multitude of results when thrown correctly. 
Something which never ceases to amaze and confound me. It is a subject which recently has made me think and caused me to reflect on who has come into and out of my life in the past few years.

Let me put this into some kind of context. 6 years ago, I was in a completely different situation to the one I am in now. I was a completely different person to the person I am now. My friend group was very different to the one I have today and has changed many times over the past 6 years. Many people have come and gone from my life in that time. A select few have become very, very close friends and are basically my family now. 

What has confounded me is that many of the people who have come and gone, are those who supported my transition at first, but since I started to become me, have completely disappeared from view. Messages and texts go unanswered. Promises of catch ups go unplanned. There has been no interaction from these people at all. The other point about these people, is that I met nearly all of them through one person. 10 people to be exact. I'm not saying that there is a correlation between my transition and this course of events, but...….well...….can you see where I'm coming from?

I know some people move on, or move away and their lives change. I have always strive to maintain friendships (although I know can be bad at it sometimes). I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I will do almost anything for my friends and I am always there for them. Even when I am in a bad place, I will always be there for my fiends should they need me. What annoys me is when that loyalty is abused and not reciprocated. Which has occurred with many of this group. 

Yes, I am hurt that these people seem to take what they want and then disappear from my life. This then has a knock on effect with my future friendships. I become more wary and less inclined to be there for any new friends. I don't tend to open up easily as I don't want to get hurt by getting to close to people and these kinds of people only make it harder for me to open up.

Even some old friends, whom I have known for years and have been there for don't return my messages or make any effort to get in touch anymore. You know who you are. It's time you made the effort to arrange something instead of leaving it to other people all of the time. I get bored of trying to arrange things and getting no response. So, I don't bother anymore. 

The thing I console myself with, is that it's their loss if they don't value my friendship I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but if you can't deal with me at my worst, you will never get to experience me at my best. I am a good, kind and loyal friend if you are good, kind and loyal to me. I need my good friends around me more than ever at the moment. Times are tough for me, mentally and life has been a struggle recently. 

To those who have stuck by me, check up on me when I am low and feed me when I need a bit of TLC, I want to say a huge thank you to you all. You are my greatest strength, an enormous source of help and inspiration and there when I need you. That small band of my closest friends that keep me going and see me at both ends of the spectrum. You get to see me at my best; because you've helped me at my worst. I will never be able to thank you enough for helping through the past few years, even before I started my transition. All I can do is be the best friend I can and be there when you need me. xxxx

Gender Dysphoria. It's been in the media quite a lot recently and I have it. I'm taking steps to deal with it. Well, as fast as the NHS will allow. Some days are better than others and currently, the dysphoria is alive and well and causing me a myriad of issues. 

The last few weeks (probably the last 6 to be exact) have been the toughest I've had to deal with since I started my transition, only I didn't actually realise what it was. It was only today that I had my 'lightbulb' moment. That one moment of clarity. Those feelings I've had and why I've felt in a void. It's that lovely dysphoria, telling me that even though I have the feelings of my chosen gender, actually, you're in the body of your assigned gender at birth. You'll never be your actual gender. You still act like your assigned gender. You still sound like your assigned gender...…..and so on. That niggles away at you, every minute of every hour of every day. 

Dysphoria eats away at you, destroys your hard fought for confidence and steals what happiness you have with yourself. It's chips away at your self belief, making you feel inadequate, worthless and unwanted. It brings in large swathes of self doubt in your ability to 'pass' and achieve your transition and makes you think that it's all pointless and you'll never do it. It strips you of your self worth and pushes you into yourself, hiding from life. It's all consuming and it's like a mist that creeps up on you, slowly, so you don't notice and before you realise, it's all around you and you can't see to get away from it. 

So, add that to the feelings of loneliness and thinking you'll never find anyone, to the adverse reaction to my injection and my 4 week cycle reaching it's peak, meant that I had a breakdown in front of my manager last week. I burst into tears. At the time, I hadn't factored the dysphoria into the equation, but, in hindsight, it was a major contributing factor. To be fair to my manager, they were very good about it and I can't thank them enough for what they did. I won't go into details, but that one act of kindness went a long way.

With all of this going on, I've hidden myself away from the world, other than going to work and a speech therapy appointment. I've wanted to hide away. I didn't want anyone to see me as I didn't feel like, well, me. I felt all wrong. A fraud. In a world I didn't belong to. The dysphoria is still alive and kicking today, but now I have had my 'lightbulb' moment, I can now start to deal with it. I can start to make the changes I need to bring it under control again and hopefully subdue it again for a while. I know a lot of it is in my mind and not true, but it will always be there, long after my transition has ended and it will show it's ugly face every now and again. 

All I can do is try and see the signs and try to deal with it before it envelops me. I am currently making small changes to get myself back on an even keel. There are many layers I have to deal with and restoring my self belief and worth are my priorities. With those, the others should follow. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I am taking it one day, one hour and one minute at a time. xx

It's amazing what a little prick in the bum can achieve. I'm a lot happier since I've had it. It's filled me with happiness. One pump and that liquid was in. There was a little bit of blood afterwards, but not a lot.

Now, I'm guessing some of you are thinking something very naughty right now. Anyone who knows me, knows I can make an innuendo out of anything and the situation I was in lent it self to a multitude of innuendo. The situation in question: My 12 weekly testosterone blocker injection. I have to have it inter muscular, usually in one or t'other buttock. The blood? There is usually a teeny weeny little dribble when the needle comes out. There you go. Nothing naughty about it whatsoever. Shame!

It's amazing how different I feel once the testosterone is blocked again. I can usually feel it wearing off a couple of weeks before it's due. I hate that feeling. It's annoying because I feel all wrong; the testosterone starts to rise again and I don't feel like me. I start to feel male again. That then messes with my head and I start to feel down about my transition, even though I know the next injection is due. It seems to have been worse this time for some reason. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't feel that female at the moment. I don't know what I feel really. I'm in a bit of a void. Work is a lot better now and I'm finally getting my home together. I just have an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and numbness. Possibly coming up to Christmas is having it's usual effect on me. No immediate blood relatives around (I'm not using the word family as that denotes some form of contact) and no significant other, takes it's toll on my ability to feel anything towards anyone else. 

It could the anti climax to the year I've had at work. Now everything has been sorted out, things are easier. I know what I have to achieve and I have a manager who seems to get my work ethic and uses my skill set accordingly. Early days, but it looks hopeful. 

I know I've probably said a lot of this stuff before in previous posts, but the further I am in my transition, the more I think about the future and what that future holds. Transitioning is non negotiable. That has never been in question. It's definitely been the right decision. It's cost me my closest blood relatives and a few friends who have just distanced themselves since I announced my transition even though they seemed very supportive. It just gets difficult when you want that little bit of physical contact from someone, that cuddle to say 'Hey, things are going to be OK. You'll be fine.'

I'll survive. I'll get over it again. I'll just end up cuddling the pillow as per usual. The cycle will come round in a few months and hit me again. Probably just before my next prick in the bum...…………xx