I'm going to rename the blog, for this week at least, 'The Hormonal rantings of a Trans Woman or the musings of a Pubescent Adult Female.' I think that will adequately describe what I am about to write about. If you haven't already guessed, it will involve hormones, emotions, sensations and my body trying and succeeding to trick me.

Although I have mentioned this before, here is a brief overview of what I am currently experiencing.  A combination of Estrogen and a testosterone suppressant is helping to physically change my body. A body ravaged by years of testosterone. It changes my physical appearance, redistributing the fat to create a more feminine shape, develops breast tissue, softens the skin and reduces body hair growth. The change in my hormonal balance has also changed the way I see and experience life, especially emotionally, namely a greater range of emotional experience, greater mood swings, more empathy and a change in the way I view the world. My struggles with my mental health have been well documented already - they are still ongoing.

When I started my hormone therapy, I did start to fall into a 28 day cycle. Feeling emotional; wanting to kill and then wanting to cry and then feeling unwell; headaches and overwhelming desire to sleep.
I went through a couple of these cycles until my dosage was increased. Then, nothing. Maybe the odd week of PMS, the odd few days of headaches straight after, but generally, not too many bad weeks. That was until last week. The week my body thought it would be fun to experiment with this cycle and completely throw me off guard.

(By the way, I'm making a cup of tea whilst writing this and have committed the cardinal sin of putting in the milk before the hot water. I hang my head in eternal shame.) My last increase in dosage was last December. 8mg of Estrogen. No real issues with the increase, I thought I'd got away with it again. All was good until the beginning of last week. My PMS started. Mood swings, mainly anger and irritability. Fine, I thought, no biggie. Then, on Sunday, my body decided that I needed to experience some of the pain that comes during the menstruation stage.

I know I don't possess the correct physical attributes to accurately experience the pain of this phase of the cycle, but my body gave me back ache, a cramping sensation, intense headaches, sore breasts and wanting to eat my own (increasing) body weight in food. It gradually got worse on Monday. I had been feeling grotty at work and the cramping had got worse during the day. Getting home was a struggle, between the headaches and the back pain. It resulted in me curled up on the sofa, under a blanket with a hot water bottle. Even the then, the pain was only subdued. 

The combination of everything was unlike anything I have experienced before. To all you genetic females out there, I now have a small insight into what you have to go through and I have the greatest respect for you all. You are all amazing. For me, it's all part of my transition and something that I may have to get used to. I'm only just getting used to the mood swings! I went to bed, still cuddling the now lukewarm hot water bottle in search of some relief. Luckily, I was off on Tuesday, but, unluckily, I had to be up early. 

Tuesday, however, was a new day and my body had decided that I'd had enough pain for a couple of days and let me wake up feeling marginally better. I was up early as I had my appointment with my GP for my 12 week check up. A transition MOT check. The good news is my Estrogen count is where it needs to be and the bad news is my weight gain. 20lb since last June!! I expected a little bit, due to the fat redistribution, but not that much. OK, perhaps there is a little comfort eating in there, but that's quite a lot in just over 6 months. So, I have been advised to exercise a bit more, watch what I eat a bit more and generally keep an eye on it. 

Someone has asked me if I regret the decision I took over 2 years ago, to go through all of this. Even with the pain. mood swings, constant appointments and all that goes with transitioning. My answer - not one little bit. It's part of who I am and who I'm becoming. It's the person inside me finally emerging from the assigned gender to which I was given at birth. Puberty as an adult is hard, really hard. However, given my bodily changes and my new lease of life, ultimately worth it. 

It's that time of year when I have to change one of the numbers in my age. Yes, I am now a year older. Another year of life under my belt, another year of self discovery. Quite a rollercoaster of a year as well. Many downs and a few ups. Enough of all that though. It's time to move on and look forward to this year and all it promises.

Since Christmas, I have thought long and hard about my life and about how I feel about myself. I have had periods of self doubt in the past that I will never be able to pass or be able to be myself. However, a few things have recently fallen into place that have given me a real shot in the arm and confidence in myself and my perception to other people.

The first event was on Christmas eve. Having my hair plaited. Yes, it's now long enough to have plaits in. My friends daughter had been wanting to do it for ages and as I was staying there over Christmas, it seemed the perfect time to have it done. On Christmas day itself, the next event happened. My friends daughter had also bought me a onesie for Christmas. So, on Christmas night, she had the idea of us wearing our onesies whilst wearing facemasks. Of course, I jumped at the idea! So, there we were, Christmas night, wearing our onesies, in facemasks and plaited hair. Absolute bliss. I absolutely loved it.

For me, it was confirmation that this was how it should have been all those years ago. Instead of being forced to do the things of my assigned (at birth) gender, I was now doing something I should have been doing. I felt like a proper teenage girl. That was the best Christmas present I've had for a long time. Something so simple that has such an enormous impact.

Those little things, combined with the events from my last post and a few comments that have been made to me recently, have really changed the way I am feeling about myself. Comments like 'You have the most female mind I know' and comments on the changes to my face structure and voice have changed the way I am carrying myself and projecting myself to the world. My body changes, my reflection in the mirror - how I see myself are all coming together to make me feel better about myself. 

This has carried into my birthday week. A week of going here, there and everywhere. From a birthday meal (all cooked from scratch), to spa treatments (a yoga/Beatles inspired treatment), to birthday lunches at large department stores and onto a London stage show, via lunch with very good friends and their little one, a night at the dogs, and catching up with friends I hadn't seen for a few months, it was a whirlwind week. Thank you to everyone for a wonderful week, whether I saw you for hours or minutes, you made my week.

Believe it or not, I am shy. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still get anxious before I go somewhere new or meet new people. It is especially heightened because of my transition as I do have to be on my guard whenever I am out of my home, just in case someone says something or does something to me. That being said, I can't live my life behind closed doors and I have to push my boundaries by doing new things and going to new places. Either on my own or with people, I have to do it. I'm just trying to live my life. Just like everyone else. 

I'm hoping to finally get a holiday this year. It's in the planning stages at the moment, but a trip abroad is looking likely. The sunny Costa Blanca beckons towards the end of summer. Got to get my passport first though. This in itself will be another confidence boost. My first passport in my new identity. Then going abroad for the first time. I'm excited and scared at the same time. It's another event that I have to do to push my boundaries. Plenty of time to get my bikini body ready and/or put Greenpeace on standby. 

I'm not going to tempt fate by saying things are good. They are getting better. Better than they were before Christmas by a long shot. I just want things to tick over, do things at my own pace, keep under the radar for a while. The main thing is that I am more positive this year. I have to look forward. There is no going back..........xx

Last week I said goodbye to a couple of very close friends. They had been with me for nearly 18 months, day in and day out. They were as close to me as you could get. However, they had outgrown their usefulness and I don't need them anymore, so I had to say goodbye. A sad week indeed.........or not, depending on which way you look at it. Saying goodbye to them meant one thing and one thing only. The hormone therapy was doing one of the jobs it is intended to do. 

It may sound rather dramatic, but to me it is a milestone in my transition. Since day one, I had been wearing breast prosthesis - chicken fillets - fake boobs - call them what you will. A comment a few weeks ago from a close friend about my growth in that area plus the fact that my work blouse had been straining at the buttons recently meant that the last increase in Estrogen dosage was finally increasing the size of my bust. I now had enough to fill a push up bra all by myself. I had my own, albeit small, cleavage. 

My body has been changing a lot recently. My shape has changed. Wider around the hips (splitting trousers); more defined cheekbones; slightly fuller lips and a larger bust. It feels like I am finally changing physically into the body I should have had and when I look in the mirror now, I am starting to feel a little better about myself. 

I can look in the mirror now and even without makeup, I look different. I like what I see now. Correction - I love what I see now. I see Danielle. 

The next stage of my transition is also now starting. Speech therapy. My voice can be a giveaway, especially on the phone and it's the one thing I really have trouble with. I am constantly misgendered on the phone and it really bugs me. If I'm tired, it also drops a little and I can't help it. So, after a false start in December, I finally have had my initial assessment. Another day trip to the clinic and someone new to see.

My appointment was with one of the team of speech therapists, but, unfortunately, they were ill. So, I had my appointment with the lead clinician for speech therapy instead. What an insightful person they are. I learnt so much about the voice, how your larynx works and how your voice is affected by many different things. I had to do a few voice exercises and answer a few questions and overall, my voice isn't too bad but it does need work.

The basics are as follows: The voice is measured in Hertz. Low is 70, average male is 80 - 100, average female 160 plus. I was measured at about 130-136 as an average. Not too bad. The plan is to get me to about 156 - 160 over the course of the next year, through one to one and group sessions. I have vocal exercises to do five times a day, everyday. I do feel a bit self conscious when doing them, but I have to do them! 

2018 is ok at the moment. Starting off in a better vein than 2017 ended. Still lots to do, still lots of changes to come. If you hear me making silly noises or repeating the same noise over and over and over and over again, just ignore me. It means I've finally lost it........or I'm doing my vocal exercises. Sometimes, even I can't tell the difference!!