Time for a happy post. The last 18 months have been mostly doom and gloom, mainly because my life has seemed to lurch from one bad situation to another. These situations have caused me to look ever deeper into myself, my life and those who choose to be in my life. I have made it through, I have kept going and I am still here.

One thing I have learnt is the art of self care. I am the most important person in my life right now, its up to me to make sure I'm happy, contented and sane. Realising this was the game changer for me. Actually concentrating on myself fully and taking control of a situation was the start of the turnaround. Just making sure I took myself out of a very toxic environment and repaired some of the damage caused mentally has got me through another low at the end of 2018.

There were a few highlights last year. One of those was the start of my speech therapy. Four one to one sessions, followed by six group sessions. A very useful course and one of the 'treatments' that I can actually get on with in my own time without waiting for consultants or clinics or appointments. Breaking down how your voice works and how to change it into how I want it to sound like. Giving us the building blocks on which to construct our voice and help our transition.

For me, it has, looking back, been a very positive step for me. Not just for the bare bones of what need to be done to achieve a new voice, but the love and support of a small group of people who know exactly what you're going through and who are all prepared to help each other out when we get down about our voices or are not generally confident in ourselves. It pushed me out of my comfort zone by getting me to act in front of a group of strangers. It got me thinking about how I shouldn't worry about how I'm perceived in the big wide world and it made me more confident as a person. More confident that I can achieve what I want to achieve.

Yesterday, sadly was the last group session. The last time we would all be in the same room (for the foreseeable future...……). I have to say that I was saddened by that. This small group of people who I didn't know from Eve could have such an effect on my life. I always went into each session apprehensive but always came out happy and more confident. We have all agreed to keep in touch and hopefully we will all get together periodically and maybe in smaller groups as and when we can. I hope we can. We are all on our own journeys, but ultimately have the same goal. 

Overall, my work life is more stable, my flat is becoming my home, my sanctuary and those around me are those I want around me. This year is one in which I intend to push myself out of my comfort zone even more, experience new things, people and places. Make new friends and cherish the ones I already have. Those who love me for me, the good and the bad(jokes). I know I don't speak to some of you that often, especially those who live that little bit further away. I still want you in my life and I hope you still want to be in mine. 

This crazy ride still has some way to go. Buckle up people, there's still far more to come...….....xxxx

Time for my first post of 2019. I'm going to start with a review of 2018. A year of few highs and many lows. Many, many lows. The fact I am still here, is to me, a major achievement of 2018. That's right. The spectre of suicide crossed my mind at one point. The thought of even trying to carry on in the face of what as happening seemed too much of an obstacle to overcome. 

You see, I can't take antidepressants. If I'm low, I have to work things out myself. Only I can pull myself out. The problem is, every time I have to pull myself out, It depletes my ability to do so next time. So, this time, I had virtually nothing to work with. I was spent. The tank was empty, the well was dry. What probably saved me, in conjunction with the support of those who know me, was my general inability to actually do anything I said I would. I just couldn't be bothered.

The seeds for this were sown in 2017. My employers inability to deal with a situation effectively, which intensified enormously in 2018, the continued aftermath of my near drowning, the effective abandonment of some of my so called 'friends' combined with the relentless media, both print and social, attacks on the transgender community made for a very hard and punishing year on my physical and mental health. The lack of support from my close blood relatives (I refuse to call them family) always hurts. I want to thank the one member of my blood family who has bothered to contact me recently - it really means a lot to me.

The work situation, at the moment, is better. A new branch and a manager who gets me. Lets me actually do my job. It took drastic action and a couple of months of suffering to gain the momentum to get the wheels in motion to deal with the situation once and for all. I can't say what I want to say, as people from my work read this and if it gets back to the ivory towers, I will get into all sorts of trouble. (Probably will for this, but it shouldn't have got to that point in the first place).

I have come to terms with the loss of friends - their choice and they are the ones missing out. Just to clarify my last post, the dig is at 3 very specific people who don't live very far away from me. About 7 to 8 miles away. It is not directed to anyone else. The rest, sod you. I'm me, this is my life, I'm absolutely fabulous, you're the ones losing out. End of. Only the chosen few stay in my life - hopefully they love me warts and all. I'm a one off, diamond in the rough, extremely loyal, fiercely independent and very loving. I can also be very sarcastic, love puns and innuendo, love tea, chocolate biscuits, worry about getting fat, having small boobs and can get wild mood swings. Anything I've forgotten? Probably. I'm also modest. 

So, what does 2019 have in store? Who knows. I'm taking things as they come at the moment. Practising self care and getting myself straight, both physically and mentally. My health is more important than anything. Then it's surrounding myself with good friends and family (not the blood relative kind). Those who have adopted me as theirs and treat me as such. Those who take me warts and all. People who actually want to talk to me and be their for me. 

Hopefully this is also the year of surgery. Yes folks, 4 years since I initially went to my GP for a referral, I have been referred by the clinic for surgery. (Except that, at the moment, the clinic I have been referred to have no record of it - I am working on this). 4 years of tears, tablets, jumping through hoops, dealing with the NHS and the slooooooooooooow pace of actually getting anything done, as well as coping with my own upheavals. Fingers crossed it actually happens this year. The year my body and mind become one and the same.

I can't guarantee to post frequently or often, if I do, I hope they will be a bit more upbeat and happy than they have been. After all, it is a snapshot of how I am feeling at any given time. I hope the really bad times are behind me now. The only way is up, right? xx

Friendship. A many faced dice with a multitude of results when thrown correctly. 
Something which never ceases to amaze and confound me. It is a subject which recently has made me think and caused me to reflect on who has come into and out of my life in the past few years.

Let me put this into some kind of context. 6 years ago, I was in a completely different situation to the one I am in now. I was a completely different person to the person I am now. My friend group was very different to the one I have today and has changed many times over the past 6 years. Many people have come and gone from my life in that time. A select few have become very, very close friends and are basically my family now. 

What has confounded me is that many of the people who have come and gone, are those who supported my transition at first, but since I started to become me, have completely disappeared from view. Messages and texts go unanswered. Promises of catch ups go unplanned. There has been no interaction from these people at all. The other point about these people, is that I met nearly all of them through one person. 10 people to be exact. I'm not saying that there is a correlation between my transition and this course of events, but...….well...….can you see where I'm coming from?

I know some people move on, or move away and their lives change. I have always strive to maintain friendships (although I know can be bad at it sometimes). I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I will do almost anything for my friends and I am always there for them. Even when I am in a bad place, I will always be there for my fiends should they need me. What annoys me is when that loyalty is abused and not reciprocated. Which has occurred with many of this group. 

Yes, I am hurt that these people seem to take what they want and then disappear from my life. This then has a knock on effect with my future friendships. I become more wary and less inclined to be there for any new friends. I don't tend to open up easily as I don't want to get hurt by getting to close to people and these kinds of people only make it harder for me to open up.

Even some old friends, whom I have known for years and have been there for don't return my messages or make any effort to get in touch anymore. You know who you are. It's time you made the effort to arrange something instead of leaving it to other people all of the time. I get bored of trying to arrange things and getting no response. So, I don't bother anymore. 

The thing I console myself with, is that it's their loss if they don't value my friendship I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but if you can't deal with me at my worst, you will never get to experience me at my best. I am a good, kind and loyal friend if you are good, kind and loyal to me. I need my good friends around me more than ever at the moment. Times are tough for me, mentally and life has been a struggle recently. 

To those who have stuck by me, check up on me when I am low and feed me when I need a bit of TLC, I want to say a huge thank you to you all. You are my greatest strength, an enormous source of help and inspiration and there when I need you. That small band of my closest friends that keep me going and see me at both ends of the spectrum. You get to see me at my best; because you've helped me at my worst. I will never be able to thank you enough for helping through the past few years, even before I started my transition. All I can do is be the best friend I can and be there when you need me. xxxx

Gender Dysphoria. It's been in the media quite a lot recently and I have it. I'm taking steps to deal with it. Well, as fast as the NHS will allow. Some days are better than others and currently, the dysphoria is alive and well and causing me a myriad of issues. 

The last few weeks (probably the last 6 to be exact) have been the toughest I've had to deal with since I started my transition, only I didn't actually realise what it was. It was only today that I had my 'lightbulb' moment. That one moment of clarity. Those feelings I've had and why I've felt in a void. It's that lovely dysphoria, telling me that even though I have the feelings of my chosen gender, actually, you're in the body of your assigned gender at birth. You'll never be your actual gender. You still act like your assigned gender. You still sound like your assigned gender...…..and so on. That niggles away at you, every minute of every hour of every day. 

Dysphoria eats away at you, destroys your hard fought for confidence and steals what happiness you have with yourself. It's chips away at your self belief, making you feel inadequate, worthless and unwanted. It brings in large swathes of self doubt in your ability to 'pass' and achieve your transition and makes you think that it's all pointless and you'll never do it. It strips you of your self worth and pushes you into yourself, hiding from life. It's all consuming and it's like a mist that creeps up on you, slowly, so you don't notice and before you realise, it's all around you and you can't see to get away from it. 

So, add that to the feelings of loneliness and thinking you'll never find anyone, to the adverse reaction to my injection and my 4 week cycle reaching it's peak, meant that I had a breakdown in front of my manager last week. I burst into tears. At the time, I hadn't factored the dysphoria into the equation, but, in hindsight, it was a major contributing factor. To be fair to my manager, they were very good about it and I can't thank them enough for what they did. I won't go into details, but that one act of kindness went a long way.

With all of this going on, I've hidden myself away from the world, other than going to work and a speech therapy appointment. I've wanted to hide away. I didn't want anyone to see me as I didn't feel like, well, me. I felt all wrong. A fraud. In a world I didn't belong to. The dysphoria is still alive and kicking today, but now I have had my 'lightbulb' moment, I can now start to deal with it. I can start to make the changes I need to bring it under control again and hopefully subdue it again for a while. I know a lot of it is in my mind and not true, but it will always be there, long after my transition has ended and it will show it's ugly face every now and again. 

All I can do is try and see the signs and try to deal with it before it envelops me. I am currently making small changes to get myself back on an even keel. There are many layers I have to deal with and restoring my self belief and worth are my priorities. With those, the others should follow. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I am taking it one day, one hour and one minute at a time. xx

It's amazing what a little prick in the bum can achieve. I'm a lot happier since I've had it. It's filled me with happiness. One pump and that liquid was in. There was a little bit of blood afterwards, but not a lot.

Now, I'm guessing some of you are thinking something very naughty right now. Anyone who knows me, knows I can make an innuendo out of anything and the situation I was in lent it self to a multitude of innuendo. The situation in question: My 12 weekly testosterone blocker injection. I have to have it inter muscular, usually in one or t'other buttock. The blood? There is usually a teeny weeny little dribble when the needle comes out. There you go. Nothing naughty about it whatsoever. Shame!

It's amazing how different I feel once the testosterone is blocked again. I can usually feel it wearing off a couple of weeks before it's due. I hate that feeling. It's annoying because I feel all wrong; the testosterone starts to rise again and I don't feel like me. I start to feel male again. That then messes with my head and I start to feel down about my transition, even though I know the next injection is due. It seems to have been worse this time for some reason. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't feel that female at the moment. I don't know what I feel really. I'm in a bit of a void. Work is a lot better now and I'm finally getting my home together. I just have an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and numbness. Possibly coming up to Christmas is having it's usual effect on me. No immediate blood relatives around (I'm not using the word family as that denotes some form of contact) and no significant other, takes it's toll on my ability to feel anything towards anyone else. 

It could the anti climax to the year I've had at work. Now everything has been sorted out, things are easier. I know what I have to achieve and I have a manager who seems to get my work ethic and uses my skill set accordingly. Early days, but it looks hopeful. 

I know I've probably said a lot of this stuff before in previous posts, but the further I am in my transition, the more I think about the future and what that future holds. Transitioning is non negotiable. That has never been in question. It's definitely been the right decision. It's cost me my closest blood relatives and a few friends who have just distanced themselves since I announced my transition even though they seemed very supportive. It just gets difficult when you want that little bit of physical contact from someone, that cuddle to say 'Hey, things are going to be OK. You'll be fine.'

I'll survive. I'll get over it again. I'll just end up cuddling the pillow as per usual. The cycle will come round in a few months and hit me again. Probably just before my next prick in the bum...…………xx

Just a quick post. Something someone said tonight, albeit a throwaway comment, hopefully, is currently going round and round my brain and stopping me from sleeping.

At first I just laughed about it, but it actually hurt me. The phrase in question: You don't matter. Context: watching fireworks, 11 year old hiding behind me as they didn't want to get hit by any debris. My friends family have taken me in as a 'foundling' as my own immediate family don't want anything to do with me. So, put the two together and it kinda hurts.

I know that from experience that kids will just say what they do without a filter as they don't always know the full facts or are not yet fully self aware. I have to apply the benefit of the doubt here, as it was probably not intentional, but it does make me feel like an interloper and fuels my feelings of loneliness and feelings of being unloved.

I'll get over it, I always do. However, each time something like this happens, a little piece of me disappears and that exterior becomes ever so slightly harder to break open.

I was going to write this post last night, but, as I was somewhat under the influence of alcohol and very tired, it was probably a good job I didn't. It is somewhat linked to my transition, but it is something which, yesterday, really annoyed me. 

Transitioning has taught me one very valuable skill - Patience. You have to be very patient waiting for things to happen. Whether that be appointments to go to, funding to be in place, therapy to go to they all take time to materialise. Couple that with the very slow pace of change physically, patience is something I now have plenty of. 

This has now carried over into my work. I was recently advised that, due to the flat structure of my employer, the likelihood of me progressing up the chain are minimal. For years I have known this and for years this has been a major source of annoyance. However, over the past few years, give or take the odd 'issue' at work, which has now been dealt with, I have learned to take this issue in my stride. Patience. If I have little chance of progressing, I have to be the best I can be, so when that opportunity does arrive, I can be ready to go for it.

My life isn't perfect, far from it. But, if something is wrong or isn't going well, only I can change it. Only I can see what need to be done to improve things and move forward. I have learned not to just stand around moaning about things and saying nothing is ever going to change. Things happen in our lives which may or may not be right, but we have to dust ourselves off, put them down to experience and use that experience to move forward. People get too focused on events which have happened and they have no control over. 

These events still affect their lives long after they have happened. They get bogged down in them until they are all consuming. I'm guilty of it in the past. I also learned that I was wasting valuable time on something which I couldn't change and that wouldn't change. I was better off putting that time to something constructive and moving forward. The past is the past and it's something I cannot change. I can change my future though and I can do that by staying positive and being the best version of me that I can be. 

In essence, you have to be patient with life. Thins don't always happen overnight, but things can and will change. You have to make them happen. Focusing on the past is futile. Use that energy to make changes that will improve you. Those improvements will help you to move forward. Standing around moaning to others not only brings you down, but those around you. I have to walk away when people moan about their lot, but won't let go of the past or push themselves to improve their lot. When they pull others down with them with their negative views. It frustrates me, when I am trying to be positive, with everything I have and have had to put up with in the media and at work. 

Those of you who know me best, know how hard life has been for me and for me, I am immensely proud of where I am mentally at this point. The loneliness is hard, the persecution of transgender people in the media is hard and the general fear of any kind of abuse when out in public is a real and constant fear. However, I try to remain positive, upbeat and happy and with my work issues being sorted, I am the most positive I have been for a while. I try to spread a little positivity and make people smile where I can. I don't waste my time looking back on what if's. That's happened, that time has gone. I put my energy into my future. Some people around me need to do the same.

Here endeth the lesson.