Friendship. A many faced dice with a multitude of results when thrown correctly. 
Something which never ceases to amaze and confound me. It is a subject which recently has made me think and caused me to reflect on who has come into and out of my life in the past few years.

Let me put this into some kind of context. 6 years ago, I was in a completely different situation to the one I am in now. I was a completely different person to the person I am now. My friend group was very different to the one I have today and has changed many times over the past 6 years. Many people have come and gone from my life in that time. A select few have become very, very close friends and are basically my family now. 

What has confounded me is that many of the people who have come and gone, are those who supported my transition at first, but since I started to become me, have completely disappeared from view. Messages and texts go unanswered. Promises of catch ups go unplanned. There has been no interaction from these people at all. The other point about these people, is that I met nearly all of them through one person. 10 people to be exact. I'm not saying that there is a correlation between my transition and this course of events, but...….well...….can you see where I'm coming from?

I know some people move on, or move away and their lives change. I have always strive to maintain friendships (although I know can be bad at it sometimes). I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I will do almost anything for my friends and I am always there for them. Even when I am in a bad place, I will always be there for my fiends should they need me. What annoys me is when that loyalty is abused and not reciprocated. Which has occurred with many of this group. 

Yes, I am hurt that these people seem to take what they want and then disappear from my life. This then has a knock on effect with my future friendships. I become more wary and less inclined to be there for any new friends. I don't tend to open up easily as I don't want to get hurt by getting to close to people and these kinds of people only make it harder for me to open up.

Even some old friends, whom I have known for years and have been there for don't return my messages or make any effort to get in touch anymore. You know who you are. It's time you made the effort to arrange something instead of leaving it to other people all of the time. I get bored of trying to arrange things and getting no response. So, I don't bother anymore. 

The thing I console myself with, is that it's their loss if they don't value my friendship I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but if you can't deal with me at my worst, you will never get to experience me at my best. I am a good, kind and loyal friend if you are good, kind and loyal to me. I need my good friends around me more than ever at the moment. Times are tough for me, mentally and life has been a struggle recently. 

To those who have stuck by me, check up on me when I am low and feed me when I need a bit of TLC, I want to say a huge thank you to you all. You are my greatest strength, an enormous source of help and inspiration and there when I need you. That small band of my closest friends that keep me going and see me at both ends of the spectrum. You get to see me at my best; because you've helped me at my worst. I will never be able to thank you enough for helping through the past few years, even before I started my transition. All I can do is be the best friend I can and be there when you need me. xxxx

Gender Dysphoria. It's been in the media quite a lot recently and I have it. I'm taking steps to deal with it. Well, as fast as the NHS will allow. Some days are better than others and currently, the dysphoria is alive and well and causing me a myriad of issues. 

The last few weeks (probably the last 6 to be exact) have been the toughest I've had to deal with since I started my transition, only I didn't actually realise what it was. It was only today that I had my 'lightbulb' moment. That one moment of clarity. Those feelings I've had and why I've felt in a void. It's that lovely dysphoria, telling me that even though I have the feelings of my chosen gender, actually, you're in the body of your assigned gender at birth. You'll never be your actual gender. You still act like your assigned gender. You still sound like your assigned gender...…..and so on. That niggles away at you, every minute of every hour of every day. 

Dysphoria eats away at you, destroys your hard fought for confidence and steals what happiness you have with yourself. It's chips away at your self belief, making you feel inadequate, worthless and unwanted. It brings in large swathes of self doubt in your ability to 'pass' and achieve your transition and makes you think that it's all pointless and you'll never do it. It strips you of your self worth and pushes you into yourself, hiding from life. It's all consuming and it's like a mist that creeps up on you, slowly, so you don't notice and before you realise, it's all around you and you can't see to get away from it. 

So, add that to the feelings of loneliness and thinking you'll never find anyone, to the adverse reaction to my injection and my 4 week cycle reaching it's peak, meant that I had a breakdown in front of my manager last week. I burst into tears. At the time, I hadn't factored the dysphoria into the equation, but, in hindsight, it was a major contributing factor. To be fair to my manager, they were very good about it and I can't thank them enough for what they did. I won't go into details, but that one act of kindness went a long way.

With all of this going on, I've hidden myself away from the world, other than going to work and a speech therapy appointment. I've wanted to hide away. I didn't want anyone to see me as I didn't feel like, well, me. I felt all wrong. A fraud. In a world I didn't belong to. The dysphoria is still alive and kicking today, but now I have had my 'lightbulb' moment, I can now start to deal with it. I can start to make the changes I need to bring it under control again and hopefully subdue it again for a while. I know a lot of it is in my mind and not true, but it will always be there, long after my transition has ended and it will show it's ugly face every now and again. 

All I can do is try and see the signs and try to deal with it before it envelops me. I am currently making small changes to get myself back on an even keel. There are many layers I have to deal with and restoring my self belief and worth are my priorities. With those, the others should follow. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I am taking it one day, one hour and one minute at a time. xx

It's amazing what a little prick in the bum can achieve. I'm a lot happier since I've had it. It's filled me with happiness. One pump and that liquid was in. There was a little bit of blood afterwards, but not a lot.

Now, I'm guessing some of you are thinking something very naughty right now. Anyone who knows me, knows I can make an innuendo out of anything and the situation I was in lent it self to a multitude of innuendo. The situation in question: My 12 weekly testosterone blocker injection. I have to have it inter muscular, usually in one or t'other buttock. The blood? There is usually a teeny weeny little dribble when the needle comes out. There you go. Nothing naughty about it whatsoever. Shame!

It's amazing how different I feel once the testosterone is blocked again. I can usually feel it wearing off a couple of weeks before it's due. I hate that feeling. It's annoying because I feel all wrong; the testosterone starts to rise again and I don't feel like me. I start to feel male again. That then messes with my head and I start to feel down about my transition, even though I know the next injection is due. It seems to have been worse this time for some reason. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't feel that female at the moment. I don't know what I feel really. I'm in a bit of a void. Work is a lot better now and I'm finally getting my home together. I just have an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and numbness. Possibly coming up to Christmas is having it's usual effect on me. No immediate blood relatives around (I'm not using the word family as that denotes some form of contact) and no significant other, takes it's toll on my ability to feel anything towards anyone else. 

It could the anti climax to the year I've had at work. Now everything has been sorted out, things are easier. I know what I have to achieve and I have a manager who seems to get my work ethic and uses my skill set accordingly. Early days, but it looks hopeful. 

I know I've probably said a lot of this stuff before in previous posts, but the further I am in my transition, the more I think about the future and what that future holds. Transitioning is non negotiable. That has never been in question. It's definitely been the right decision. It's cost me my closest blood relatives and a few friends who have just distanced themselves since I announced my transition even though they seemed very supportive. It just gets difficult when you want that little bit of physical contact from someone, that cuddle to say 'Hey, things are going to be OK. You'll be fine.'

I'll survive. I'll get over it again. I'll just end up cuddling the pillow as per usual. The cycle will come round in a few months and hit me again. Probably just before my next prick in the bum...…………xx

Just a quick post. Something someone said tonight, albeit a throwaway comment, hopefully, is currently going round and round my brain and stopping me from sleeping.

At first I just laughed about it, but it actually hurt me. The phrase in question: You don't matter. Context: watching fireworks, 11 year old hiding behind me as they didn't want to get hit by any debris. My friends family have taken me in as a 'foundling' as my own immediate family don't want anything to do with me. So, put the two together and it kinda hurts.

I know that from experience that kids will just say what they do without a filter as they don't always know the full facts or are not yet fully self aware. I have to apply the benefit of the doubt here, as it was probably not intentional, but it does make me feel like an interloper and fuels my feelings of loneliness and feelings of being unloved.

I'll get over it, I always do. However, each time something like this happens, a little piece of me disappears and that exterior becomes ever so slightly harder to break open.

I was going to write this post last night, but, as I was somewhat under the influence of alcohol and very tired, it was probably a good job I didn't. It is somewhat linked to my transition, but it is something which, yesterday, really annoyed me. 

Transitioning has taught me one very valuable skill - Patience. You have to be very patient waiting for things to happen. Whether that be appointments to go to, funding to be in place, therapy to go to they all take time to materialise. Couple that with the very slow pace of change physically, patience is something I now have plenty of. 

This has now carried over into my work. I was recently advised that, due to the flat structure of my employer, the likelihood of me progressing up the chain are minimal. For years I have known this and for years this has been a major source of annoyance. However, over the past few years, give or take the odd 'issue' at work, which has now been dealt with, I have learned to take this issue in my stride. Patience. If I have little chance of progressing, I have to be the best I can be, so when that opportunity does arrive, I can be ready to go for it.

My life isn't perfect, far from it. But, if something is wrong or isn't going well, only I can change it. Only I can see what need to be done to improve things and move forward. I have learned not to just stand around moaning about things and saying nothing is ever going to change. Things happen in our lives which may or may not be right, but we have to dust ourselves off, put them down to experience and use that experience to move forward. People get too focused on events which have happened and they have no control over. 

These events still affect their lives long after they have happened. They get bogged down in them until they are all consuming. I'm guilty of it in the past. I also learned that I was wasting valuable time on something which I couldn't change and that wouldn't change. I was better off putting that time to something constructive and moving forward. The past is the past and it's something I cannot change. I can change my future though and I can do that by staying positive and being the best version of me that I can be. 

In essence, you have to be patient with life. Thins don't always happen overnight, but things can and will change. You have to make them happen. Focusing on the past is futile. Use that energy to make changes that will improve you. Those improvements will help you to move forward. Standing around moaning to others not only brings you down, but those around you. I have to walk away when people moan about their lot, but won't let go of the past or push themselves to improve their lot. When they pull others down with them with their negative views. It frustrates me, when I am trying to be positive, with everything I have and have had to put up with in the media and at work. 

Those of you who know me best, know how hard life has been for me and for me, I am immensely proud of where I am mentally at this point. The loneliness is hard, the persecution of transgender people in the media is hard and the general fear of any kind of abuse when out in public is a real and constant fear. However, I try to remain positive, upbeat and happy and with my work issues being sorted, I am the most positive I have been for a while. I try to spread a little positivity and make people smile where I can. I don't waste my time looking back on what if's. That's happened, that time has gone. I put my energy into my future. Some people around me need to do the same.

Here endeth the lesson.

What makes a woman, a woman? What makes a female, a female? Why are transgender people constantly having to justify their existence? Why should anyone have to justify their existence?
Questions. So many questions. My validity as a person is constantly being questioned. Not by my friends I hasten to add, but by certain sections of the public at large. My rights as a person are constantly being questioned by a small minority of bigoted people at the moment. The fact that I wasn't born with the right 'equipment' at birth, precludes me from ever being the true me. The real me. 

Well, they're right. I wasn't born with the right equipment. I was given the wrong equipment. Nature sometimes gets it wrong. The 'equipment' I have has always felt alien to me. Through the marvels of modern medicine, I can go some way to having the right 'equipment'. Hormones and surgery to be precise. However, it's not just having the right 'equipment', is it. Yes, I will have the physical appearance of a adult female, but it's also the feelings, thoughts and emotions that complete me as a woman. 

Growing up, I was always a little more emotional than others with the same 'equipment'. I wasn't into war games, football or the rough and tumble as was advocated by genetics and the public perception of how I should act. It never sat with me 100%. So, I just got on with it. Carried on growing up as I was. Never being truly happy with myself, but believing that that was it. This slightly weird and awkwardly shy person. When puberty hit and my body started to develop due to the hormones it was given, I would look at the opposite gender and wonder why my body wasn't developing like that. 

Then life events happened. Early 1990's. Family issues. That's when I found crossdressing. That's when these feelings that I had suddenly started to make sense. That difference in my brain and my heart as opposed to my physical appearance. Becoming the opposite to my actual life. I felt, well, happy. I felt right for those few short hours. Fast forward 20 years. Another life event. The suggestion, after a few hours of conversation that perhaps I should try crossdressing again. So I did. All those suppressed feelings and emotions came bubbling back to the surface and things started to make sense again. The differences, the wanting of my body to suddenly morph into the right one with the right 'equipment'.

The me that grew up was quiet and awkward because I wasn't my true self. My body presented itself to the world as the wrong person as the inside was having to portray itself as that person. The emotions, feelings and thoughts that I have now are very far removed from that person. I can show my emotions freely, I can think as I want to think and I can feel what I want to feel. No hiding, no acting. To me, this is a major part of me being me. It's not just about what 'equipment' I have, but what makes me tick. What I feel. How I act. What I want. 

It's the little things like dying my hair, crying at sad films, getting excited for weddings, wearing the clothes I've always wanted to, listening to the music I want to, using the right toilets and actually being me. Being transgender isn't a choice for me. It is me. It always has been me. Being born in the wrong body and now going through my transition makes me transgender, but it doesn't mean that I haven't always been a woman or female. I will always be a transgender woman or transgender female. No one is going to deny me my existence or question my validity. I am a human being, therefore I am valid. I exist. I am here. 

I want to thank everyone who has been on my transition journey with me and continues to support me. I have now been living full time for 2 years now and although there have been some very hard times lately, things are looking better. The end is in sight, but I still have a long way to go. Life isn't always easy and I have to constantly be on my guard when out, but I would never go back to my old life. The good far outweighs the bad. xxxx

Now, usually, my clothing consists of either my uniform, or jean shorts and a t shirt. However, in the last two weeks, I've had a funeral and a course where business dress was the dress code. An actual requirement to dress and look vaguely smart. Neat hair, make up and accessories. Not just getting dressed in my usual robotic way and slapping on some lippy and mascara. 

It's been a while since I've had to get dressed up and make more of an effort than usual. Not just for a night out either. Probably a wedding last year to be exact. To be honest, I'm a little out of practice on the make up front. I haven't worn a full face since June last year. Luckily, it is like riding a bike, without stabilisers, on an icy road, with a headwind...……..

I would have given a scarecrow a run for their money. Well, that's my opinion. It wasn't awful, but, not my best. I think this means that I need to go out more. More nights out. Probably. No, make that definitely. ( It won't happen as I am prone to procrastination and I am a home girl at heart). So, make up sorted. Now, the outfit. I do have a smart black skirt. M&S don't you know and a couple of smart blouses. My favourite top ever is my white flowery blouse from Wallis. Perfect. Put them together with my pair of low heeled shoes and the outfit is almost ready.

Finally, we have the accessories and the hair. Now, my hair is quite long now. Over three years of growth. After years of having really, really short hair, I love it. Although, I'm not very confident when it comes to styling it. It's either in a ponytail, clipped up or on the rare occasion, plaited. For the funeral, I thought I'd try something different. Nothing drastic or difficult, just different. I'd washed it the night before and plaited it, so, when I got up and took the plaits out, it had dried wavy. I decided to wear it down for the day. 

I changed the parting a little, took a bit from one side, tucked it behind my ear, used a flower clip to hold it back and there it was. Something different and something I could do without much difficulty.

Hair done, now the accessories. Not too OTT, but not too non descript. Once chosen and adorned, Voila! A vaguely smart woman was born. 

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Was that really me? Three years ago, I would have been in a suit and tie, short hair and looking totally out of place. Now, I felt, well, normal. I saw me in that mirror. The inside me was now the outside me. I know I say this a lot, but it's those quick snapshots of yourself in the mirror that make me realise that I am a woman, I 'pass' (a horrid phrase, but the best way I can describe the feeling) and that all that effort is worth it. Not just the effort on the day, but all the highs and lows of my transition. The hormones, the anguish, the knocks, the strain on my mental health. That one look in the mirror makes it all worth it. 

The same happened this week. Same outfit yesterday and different blouse today. Hair was up this time as had to be more business like. Another new situation to be in. I've been on work courses already during my transition, but never in business dress. Smart casual or smart is the usual dress code. (Yes, there is a difference between smart and business). Again, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and felt the same sense of achievement again. 

I am happier in my body, more than ever before. I still compare myself to other women - lets face it, we all do. However, I know I'm never going to be, sexy, svelte or attractive, but I am who I am. A slightly overweight forty something year old woman who will probably end up with fifteen cats and a 10 bar a day chocolate habit. I have to be a realist. OK, maybe 15 bars a day and an addiction to cups of tea...…….