I am struggling. I have been for about 3 months now. I am descending in to a hole from which is getting harder and harder to see the light from the top. A hole in which the further I descend, the more overwhelming everything seems to be. A hole which is threatening to take me over completely.

Transitioning is a long and sometimes very lonely journey. From the gatekeeping in the NHS to the 'friends' that disappear over the years and the family that disown you, it all takes it's toll. Add to that the rampant dysphoria, fear that you will be attacked just for being you, the current media frenzy on the fact that I shouldn't really exist, the rise of far right and far left ideologies debating your very existence and the constant feeling that you will be alone forever, make quite a poisonous cocktail.

Just to be clear, I have never doubted transitioning, never wanted to go back and I know this is the right decision for me. It's just that over the past 3 months, all of this has been slowly but surely eating away at my confidence, sanity, mental and physical health. It is being replaced by anxiety, tiredness, fear, emotional ambivalence and lack of self esteem and confidence in just being alive. The waves of doubt are letting in the waves of wondering if things would be better off if I wasn't here at all. Yes, I've been to that port and it's staring to look like a very nice destination. No more drama, no more pain and no more feeling like a burden.

Medically, I can't just take some anti-depressants to help with this. They interact with my anti - breakdance (epilepsy) meds. NHS counselling consists of CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which give you coping strategies. I've been through that, got the leaflets, seen the books. I've exhausted all my known strategies to help me and they're not working. It's just easier now to slip down the hole and slowly pull away from everyone and everything. You can't miss me if you don't see me as often, right?

Emotionally, I can't even emote properly. I can't cry (and I really want to), scream, feel anything other than ambivalence (again, I want to feel something). Being on my own is hard in the fact you have no one to listen to your fears, thoughts, dreams or to share your life with. Sometime you just want to curl up with someone and be cuddled. Just to be held and told everything is going to be OK. But then finding someone is even more difficult because of who I am and the fear that when you tell someone you are transgender, you may be attacked physically and verbally. Catch 22. Want to find someone but too scared to.

Physically, I'm stating to look in the mirror and not see me. I keep seeing the person I used to be. The person I didn't want to be. The false me. This is my dysphoria. Not seeing the person I want to be after four years of upheaval, appointments, hormones, letting the person I want to be, well, just be. Looking in the mirror and seeing that other person after everything that has happened. It's disheartening and depressing. It permeates everything in my life. From not wanting to go out or speak, to just how I hold myself, sit, eat or even think. 

I do have some very good friends, surrogate family and my own family (a couple of my cousins) around me. However, as much as they say they are there for me, I need far  more than they can give right now. I need that cuddle, that cry, that emotional support. I have always given support when it's needed. That's just me. That's what I do. Please understand that I cannot do this anymore. I've nothing left to give. It's to my detriment that I now cannot even help myself. I need that help now. I need a friend like me. That one who will put their issues to one side, even when they are low and help others. 

What you see and hear everyday from me is a front. A well acted and thought out and constructed front. That laughter hides the hurt, that smile hides the pain, that joke hides the emotional void. I sit at home and the darkness descends. That loneliness grips me. I speak to no one after I get home until I get to work the next day. Anxiety then stops me from going out and just exiting outside my four walls, so makes it worse. Catch 22 again. 

The sum of these parts is the cause of my decent over the past few months. On their own, they are probably easier to overcome. However, when they start to intertwine with each other, it's extremely hard to even know where to start. So you don't. And it pushes you deeper and deeper down that hole. Ever deeper. Ever deeper.

Love and relationships. The eternal conundrum. It's something I have been giving a lot of thought to recently as my past posts will testify. It's an area of my life that I haven't wanted to explore over the past few years as I have had a lot of other things to think about which have been more important. However, since I have started my therapy sessions, it's an area of my life that is now not looking so bleak and out of reach.

My mantra for the past few years has been : Whatever happens, happens. Meaning, that if anyone of any denomination passed my way, then so be it. However, more recently, my heart is being drawn in a certain direction with regard to my sexuality. Don't ask me how or why, it's just sort of, well, happening. I suppose, the combination of puberty, hormones, finding myself and the whole relationship issue has finally kickstarted my journey toward my sexuality.

There are many labels out there to define someones sexuality. Terms such as Lesbian, Gay, Demisexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual and others out there are used to denote someones sexual preferences. A majority of  people have worked out their sexuality during their teenage years. It's a time for experimentation and finding out who you are and you usually have a pretty good idea who you like by your early 20's. I thought I had as well. 

I find myself going back a *few* years to being a teenager and the process of defining my sexuality, albeit without the experimentation and the fact I have to 'adult' on a daily basis. Who do I find attractive? What am I looking for in a potential partner? All questions everyone in the history of time has asked themselves. Actually having to think about it as an adult is fraught with the dangers of hindsight and experience. Your judgement is clouded. Well, it is for me. I'm a worrier and look for the worst in a situation/experience. 

You have to bear in mind, it's been 8 years since I was in a relationship and nearly 20 years since I last dated. Which also means over 8 years since I actually shared a bed or home with anyone. Then again, I'm not the person I was all those years ago. A lot has changed. I'd like to think my sexuality is still in a fluid state and still will be for a few years yet. Lately, I am finding a group of people more attractive and I can picture myself with that group more than another. Even a type is emerging. 

No clues for you though. It's something I want to keep to myself  as it's a very personal thing that is also a major part of finding myself as me. I want to see what happens and where the hormones take me and my heart. At least things don't seem so scary now. Small steps and all that...…..xx

Summer is almost here. The mornings and evenings are lighter and with that, my mood is in a better place. It's nice to go to work and come home in the light. That extra boost you need after the dark and cold winter months. An injection of Vitamin D to brighten up my view. 

If you've been reading my posts, you'll know I've been going to counselling sessions. These have been very tough, both emotionally and mentally on me, due to the nature of what I am dealing with. I've had four so far and whilst at the start, it was extremely difficult and draining, I am finally beginning make sense of what I am dealing with. Drawing the lines between the dots and creating a clearer picture of my issues and my way forward. 

For me, talking one to one with someone is the best form of counselling. Someone who is also detached from my group and has no preconceptions about anyone involved. They also understand the unique issues that transgender people have and the pressures that we are under from society as a whole. Just being able to get all of these issues out in the open with someone who has a different view on them is good as it gives me a new angle on which to tackle them from.

Only I can deal with them though. The counselling can provide the tools to help me, but ultimately, I am in control of the outcome. It will be a long process for some of the issues; there won't be an overnight fix. At least I can see a way forward now. 

It was nice to have a week away from work last week. A week of doing nothing but days out and spending a little money on myself. Summer clothes, bus and train rides and the odd coffee and cake to relax and take stock of life. Recharge the batteries. The fact that I didn't have to get up at five am and could actually have a proper lie in for the first time in months was absolute bliss! (Going to sleep at three am probably had something to do with that as well!) 

So that's where I am at the moment. Things are looking better. Things are looking brighter. I can see a new way forward and see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Small steps...…...xx

Am I lovable? Will I ever find somebody who will love me for me? Will I end up a lonely lady with 100 cats and have to get cat food delivered by the lorry load? Do people really like me or do they just tolerate me? These are questions that currently plague my life. The subject of finding that significant other is one that scares me like nothing else. 

One of the things I am dealing with in my counselling sessions is relationships. Relationships between me and my friends and family and also going forward, relationships with a potential partner. It has really bought into focus to me how my relationships have and can change in an instant. I've said before about how I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved. Fact. The side effect of this is the barriers I have put up. The barriers that effect every relationship I have. The barriers that prevent me from really opening up and trusting anyone. The barriers that make me fearful that even my closest friends will eventually reject me. 

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. No one will want to be with me and no one will ever love me. As far as I am concerned, this is how it is going to be. The thought of even starting to find someone is almost impossible to conceive. The thought of even going out to date or going online to date is frightening. That fear of rejection is seemingly too much to overcome. 

I admit that I am lonely and I want to have someone special in my life. I miss that human contact. I don't feel lovable or even vaguely attractive. The counselling is helping me to equip myself with the mindfulness and belief to love myself firstly and then that will allow me to start dating and finding that someone. Helping me to break down, or at least lower these seemingly insurmountable barriers. 

Also in focus is how I generally interact with people. I fully admit that I am not the easiest person to get on with. I am moody and that generally will show in my interaction with those people I spend the most time with. I also admit that I am more selfish than I used to be. I have had to become more selfish. I have had to focus on my wellbeing and my own happiness more than ever. For the first time in my life, I come first. I have spent years putting others first and putting myself last. My happiness was put to the back of my mind as I was always making sure everyone else was happy.

This has also affected how I interact with people. Some people who were in my life just can't accept the fact that the focus is on me now and not what I can do for them. Those people who think that I should always contact them or do what they want with no regard to my wellbeing. I learnt how to say no and mean it. I do what is best for me now and not what people want me to do. I am still there for the people who mean the most to me, but I do say no more often now. 

I've a long way to go until I get anywhere near being able to date or open up to people. I've spent so long with these barriers up, that I can't remember a world without them. It's a scary prospect. But it's my only chance to find someone special and to put these fears to rest. Back to cuddling the pillow tonight. Yay.

To say the counselling has taken it's toll, would be an understatement. It really has knocked me sideways. The act of bringing situations, people and my own inbuilt fears and issues into focus and having to start really dealing with them has been both mentally and physically difficult for me. At the moment, I feel like I am just existing; nothing is going to make me happy again and I can't see a way forward. 

A lot of the issues I currently have are due to circumstances and events that have happened in the past. They go back over many, many years and each time something has happened, I usually just deal with it, put it away in a little area of my brain and move on. Only, I hadn't really dealt with anything properly. I'd just filed it away and consciously forgotten about it. However, that's where the subconscious mind has always been rifling through them, slowly making me act certain ways or making me deal with situations in certain ways. They have in their own ways, shaped how I think, act and interact with people; not always in a good way.

I know that in the long term, it will be good for me to deal with these circumstances and events once and for all and then I should be able to deal with the fallout from them which is hindering me in my everyday life. I have one overriding issue with which I need to deal with and once I have dealt with it and changed my mindset, it will be a huge stumbling block removed. It's a big ask at the moment as it is the one thing that frightens me the most, given my current situation. It's the second biggest thing I crave (after surgery), but one that can and will change my life immeasurably. 

This month also marks my two years on hormone therapy. Two years of watching the physical transformation of my face and body and my mental and emotional transformation. I can now look in the mirror and see my face has changed and is not that person I was a few years ago. As for my body, I can see some underlying changes. Especially the weight gain. About 2 stone in 2 years. Mostly a combination of hormone changes and comfort eating. Mentally and emotionally is where I see the biggest change in me. More emotional, compassionate and certainly moody!

I would never go back to who I was. That person is no longer with us. For all the negatives during my transition, it is something I have never regretted. I am who I am and now I can be that person. I am not confined to a role I was never comfortable in or a lifestyle that felt alien to me. I can express myself and live more freely. 

It is also something which, as mentioned above, gives me my greatest fear for the future. that is finding someone to share my future with. My stumbling block is being able to overcome my fear of rejection (as I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved). That fear, combined with being transgender, is one of the biggest challenges of my life to overcome. I want someone in my life, but I'm afraid it'll never happen and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Which in turn affects my mental health and makes things seem even worse. A vicious circle. 

So, put everything together and that's why I feel like I'm just existing at the moment. I can't move forward, without looking back. I'm also in limbo with a couple of other things related to my transition which add to the mix as well as working more hours to cover my trips to London for my counselling. It was never gong to be easy, I just never thought it would be this hard. xx

Not feeling at my best tonight. Had another counselling session today and it has again taken it out of me. I'm feeling pretty deflated and low at this moment in time. I know it's a necessary part of the ongoing, I hate to say it, treatment protocol, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pretty awful afterwards.

The thing is, it brings issues up which up until now, I had dealt with in my own way, i.e. Buried deep in the recesses of my mind. So really, not dealing with them at all. Just pushing them to one side, hoping that they would never rear their ugly heads again. However, to deal with them fully, I have to dust them off and fully deal with the issues and where these issues stem from. 

Part of this, is going back many, many years. To my childhood to be exact. My formative years and issues that arose in that time. I'm not going to go into any detail on here, as people involved cannot put their side of the issue, but suffice to say that events and actions during that time have had a very significant effect on me and how I have evolved as a person. Those actions still effect me to this day and they have affected any relationship, both family, friend or significant other that I have had. 

This is something I've known for many years, but have probably been afraid to admit it to myself for fear of causing upset, retaliation or denial from those involved. However, due to those relationships being, shall we say, broken, I can now admit to myself that my life and how I live it has been affected for all these years. Fears of intimacy, opening up to people, craving love and affection, just wanting a cuddle and to be told it's all going to be ok. I know that many of these are just normal things to want, but for me, they have been a major overriding factor in my developing relationships with anyone. 

I'm not a very confident person around people at the best of times (although some of my friends would disagree with that). I don't think anyone I know truly knows everything about me; every little thing about my life and what has happened. I don't think I remember everything. I've probably blotted a lot out so I can at least function as a human being. I don't open up to people very easily due to my fear of getting hurt by people who know too much about me. I think this stems from everyone I have trusted in the past, all of those who should have been there for me, have hurt me and disowned me in some way. That's a very big issue to deal with.

My life at the moment is still very much a work in progress and over the next few months, I am going to get days like this. Hopefully by the end of my sessions, I can break down some of the barriers that I have put up, primarily to protect myself from getting hurt yet again and to hopefully find that special someone with whom I can have that cuddle and be told it's all going to be ok. 

I've been trying to think of what to write for a few weeks now. I've wanted to update my blog, but have had no idea what to say or how to say it. As per usual, it has been a roller coaster of emotions, good things, happy things, sad things and angry things. Happily, I am in a better place this year to deal with the constantly fluctuating emotional scale that is my life.

Where to begin? Lets start with a good thing. Surgery. That's right. Surgery. I have finally had my first appointment with my surgeon for my GRS (genital reconstruction surgery). A 15 minute appointment in London with 5 and a half hours total travelling time to and from the clinic. Don't anyone ever tell you I am not committed to this. Up at 4.45am, Started work at 7am, left work at 10.30am, caught train at 11.10am, got to the mainline station in London at 1.20pm(main line to London closed, 50 mile detour) underground to nearest clinic station, arriving at the clinic at 2pm for a 2.30pm appointment. In to see the surgeon at 2.25pm. starting my journey back home at 2.40pm. Arrived home at 6pm. A very long day, but it will be ultimately worth it.

So, what happened you may ask? Well, I am borderline, BMI wise, so got to lose a bit of weight (set myself a 2 stone minimum, currently lost half a stone), got to have electrolysis on my scrotal skin (due to past operations, my operation will be slightly different) and this will take at least 6 months, once I have my funding. After 5 months I can contact the clinic and I will be put on the surgery waiting list, which should be a maximum of 3 months. The problems that may occur were run through as was the recovery and maintenance after the operation. Scared, yes; ready for it, ABSOLUTELY!! Bring it on!

Where next? Something which is both good and upsetting. Psychology. Basically, counselling. I have been waiting for this for nearly 2 years and should have had it last year. It's designated to help me navigate the many issues that have arisen from my decision to transition. Things such as coping with the rampant transphobia in the media; navigating the wider world and my fears in just existing as me and the fears in starting any kind of relationship, combined with navigating my sexuality.

I have had my first session. It was really an assessment as to what to cover in the ongoing sessions. This is where it became upsetting. I had to drag up a lot of things that I had repressed and put away, stuff that was really still quite raw to me. It really took it out of me for a few days, made me feel really low and emotional. I'd just got to a point where things were looking up and I was feeling better and BOOM!; back about 12 months emotionally. It took me a few days to realise that, to move forward, I will need to have times like these and the counselling will ultimately help me to deal with the issues I have and let me move on and live my life my way. I've another 7 sessions to go. Apologies to anyone I know if I disappear for a few days after each one. Nothing personal - I will just need to deal with things in my own way. 

On the flip side to the good things, the angry things. Unfortunately, one of the things that has made me angry I cannot mention in my blog anymore as it upsets someone. Perhaps as it's too close to home and the truth? As I don't know who they are and I only have it as second hand info, however, all I can say is suck it up sunshine and perhaps look a little closer to home. I don't like snitches anyway and by your actions, you have taken something away from this blog which allowed me to get all the anger and resentment out of my mind, allowing me to move on and deal with certain things, Thank you for helping to magnify some of my issues and not being able to deal with them effectively. Thank you for again for your ignorance and lack of tolerance. It won't be forgotten. 

Right, rant over on that one. My second angry thing is the friendship issue. This has been prompted by a post seen today on a social network site. Those people who have fallen away ever since I decided to transition and ever since they have found relationships themselves. I was a good 'friend' when they were single and wanted to go out but once they found someone and I became me, I have been dropped so fast, I didn't have time to blink. Thanks guys. Thanks for your continued support. Thanks for bleeding me dry emotionally, abusing my hospitality and good will.

I'm lucky that I have a good group of friends who have been and are still there for me. They are my true friends. In fact, in some cases, it goes beyond friendship and into family. They get to enjoy the person I am and all that goes with it. The loyalty, the help, the support, even the bad jokes. They are the most important people in my life. They have got me to where I am today. To those who have decided my friendship isn't worth anything, I say Goodbye. Obviously you can't cope with my fabulousness and awesomeness, hence why you've decided you can't be friends with me anymore. If our paths cross, I shall permit a polite hello, but you shall forever only be an acquaintance and we can never have any sort of friendship again. Your time has gone and that ship has sailed. 

And relax. I feel better now. Got it out of my system. Slightly melodramatic perhaps, but gets my point across. I doubt anyone who it's aimed at will ever see it or hear about it, but it needed to be said. I know I've posted recently about friendship but again it has irked me and I needed to vent and say something. Probably a bit more robust this time, but it is very important to me. I'm not needy when it comes to friendship, but I like loyalty and commitment in friendships and it disappoints me when I give and like to nurture friendships and I get nothing back and in the case of these people, ignored and ultimately, dropped. Just shows what kind of people they really are and probably for the best we are not friends. 

I think I've covered everything. Happy and good, check. Sad and angry, check. I've a busy 6 months coming up, spring is here and today, even the sun is shining. Life is ok at the moment and I've a lot to look forward to. I've even written a little article, which is due out next month, on the subject of family and specifically adopted family. It was hard to write, given the subject, but good to share with a wider audience and hopefully make people understand that transitioning isn't all happiness and light, it can have a very deep emotional price in some cases. Having a family is a very special gift in this life, I'm just happy that I have 2 adopted families that have taken me in and make sure I'm ok. Never underestimate the power of having a loving family. It makes life a whole lot easier. (Yes, this is a pointed remark, lets see who gets it).