There's been a great deal of press coverage recently about Trans issues; whether it be good, bad or downright ugly, you can't miss it. A lot of it has been derisory, ill-informed, and scare mongering in nature. There have been a few brief glimpses of light in amongst all of this doom and gloom though and for me, Transformation Street on ITV has provided some of it. I can relate to a lot of the issues raised in it. Below I want to explain why transitioning for me wasn't done on a whim.

Now, I am going through my transition on the NHS. I am lucky that I have the opportunity to do this - many people in the world aren't as fortunate. Some things can't be helped with regard to waiting times, which are long due to lack of trained staff, the sheer weight of people being referred and the adherence to internationally recognised treatment standards be leading medical bodies. 

I am currently 16 months into my transition and so far I have had two appointments with my consultant and have started my hormone therapy (9 months). My next consultant appointment is May (almost 11 months after my last) and I haven't even started my speech therapy (next month) or psychotherapy (dates due). As for my facial hair removal, I have the funding (given last April) but as yet, no contact from NHS England to advise on how to go about getting it. Add to that the various Doctors appointments (at least 3 to 4 every 12 weeks) and you can see that it's a very arduous process and you have to be 100% committed. 

Which leads me to my next point. Lots of people think that you wake up one morning and decide that you want to change your gender. Fact - YOU DON'T. For me, the seeds were sown over 25 years ago. That feeling that something wasn't quite right. The feeling that the body you have and the mind inside weren't compatible with each other. Why didn't I do something then? The simple answer - I couldn't. Given the set of circumstances I was living under and the lack of knowledge on the subject, it just wasn't an option.

So what do you do in those circumstances? For me it was closet crossdressing and burying those feelings. Trying to be a 'Man'. Getting girlfriends and getting married. In the very back of my mind, it just didn't feel right. There was always that niggling feeling that all of this wasn't right. It wasn't me. However, you battle on through and try to make the best of everything. Pushing those feelings further and further back, to the point of making sure you don't even see or read anything that could bring those feelings back. 

For me, events happened in my life that, although at the time seemed like the end of the world, have allowed me to explore those feelings again (albeit after a little prompting). Not only have I explored those feelings, I have acted upon them. I made the decision to transition to align my mind with my body. That being 23 years after those first real feelings. Even then, the decision wasn't an easy one to make. It took a event which could have cost me my life to finally make the decision. The risk with regard to my relationships with everyone, my job and my life in general were huge. I had a great deal to lose but ultimately a great deal to gain.

I still have periods of crippling doubt that I can go through all of this. I have lost some relationships; my sibling, to an extent my mum (although contact has now been made) and a few friends. I have also made a few new friends, cemented other relationships and thereby found out who my true friends are. I sometimes feel that I am slipping back towards the old me during those times. Going back to a person I don't want to be. That's when I remind myself what I am doing, where I am going and what I'm striving toward. I remind myself of the suppression of the true me for all those years and how far I've come in a relatively short space of time. 

For me, it's confirmation that this is the true me, when I get comments like this from people I respect immensely: 'You're one of the most female minds I know'; 'Honey when all is said and done you can only be you. Warts, flaws, perfection and all.' I've made it this far in life with everything that has been thrown at me. Last year was the toughest yet. Lots of issues, changes and problems. This year will be tough as well, but hopefully I will have more to show at the end of it. Less aggro, more happy. Either that or more chocolate. 

For the first time in a long time, A more positive post. I realised that I could not go on as I was and after re-reading my last post, I had to make some drastic changes. Life is short and what's the point in wasting what I have left on worrying about the past, my choices, the people who I have and those who have left my life. I have made a huge change in my life to make it better, so why make the journey worse than it has to be?

My life, my thoughts had become a swirling mess of introspection, self doubt, disbelief, pain, suffering and failure. So, what was the point of continuing with everything. A question I asked myself numerous times. On social media, I was bombarded with images of people with happy lives, having fun, with families and loved ones. Other transitioning people who could afford all the facial and body surgery to look fabulous and really pass as their chosen gender. 

My life, to me, was the absolute opposite. Sad, lonely, no one loved me, a hindrance, 
boring, ugly, fat, a fraud, totally pointless. Why did I think I could ever pass as my chosen gender? I could never look like all those other transitioning people. I'm unlovable, annoying and a freak. Hence all the bad posts, the suicidal thoughts, the worthlessness.

Then, a funny thing happened. I remembered what I was doing, why I was doing it and the end goal. To find myself. To find the me buried for all these years. Why was I comparing my life to others. This is my life. I'm the only one who can change things and make things better. I'm never going to be the most popular person, the most interesting, the prettiest, the skinniest, the one everybody looks up to. I'm just a person who tells bad jokes, is good at quizzes, overweight, can just about pass as my chosen gender, can be too serious at times, can't learn to enjoy myself sometimes, likes my own company and has a weakness for chocolate. I'm annoying, infuriating, intensely loyal to my closest friends, able to listen and love dressing up to go out. 

That's me. Love me or hate me, that's who I am. I am learning that I can love myself, my flaws, my successes. I am making changes to myself. Eating better, exercising more, reading more, watching less TV, not comparing myself to others, weaning myself away from social media. Learning to live outside the social media world again. Not giving a thought to what others think of me and thinking about myself and what I think. Selfish? Absolutely. 

Those who know me well will know that I will always be there for them, what ever has been written above. Just be aware that I still have a lot to deal with and my mind will be pre-occupied sometimes. There are a lot of changes still to come, especially this year and they all have to be implemented by me and me alone. Some will be fun and some will be hard. Some will be easy and some will be difficult. 

So there you have it. I'm coming for you 2018. Don't even think of messing with me. I'm doped up on Estrogen and ready to explode....................................................................

I've kind of been feeling sorry for myself recently and most of my recent blog posts have been the 'Woe is me' kind of posts. Quite rightly so, from my point of view. However, I understand that they can be a little boring after a while to everyone else. It got me thinking about where I am in life, my transition and where I am going from here. I have to move forward or I will go insane.

I have had a rough 9 months since starting my hormone therapy. Through a combination of issues, events and my own ever overactive mind, I have become very lonely, sad, angry,
fat(ter), even suicidal at one point. I have even felt that my demeanour has regressed to a past life which also has got to me.  So, instead of moping about stuff and letting even the tiniest little things get to me, I have decided that I need to get back with the plan and change things up. Not just a little, but a lot. 

I have to remember why I am putting myself through all of this in the first place. Why? To be me. The real me. The me hidden for all of those years. I have to remember that I am going through puberty again, with all its angst, issues, highs, lows, loves, hates and physical issues. I am a teenager, disguised as an adult. Doing adult things. I should enjoy all of this as I didn't really have a proper teenage life the first time. I am finding the real me amongst all of this chaos - I now have to blossom into who I want to be.

My physical health has taken as much of a battering as my mental health recently. Comfort eating, combined with water retention and weight gain through the hormone therapy, have made me put on nearly 2 stone since June. I need to lose that weight and a bit more besides. My weakness is mainly chocolate and to some extent, white bread. I need to kick my chocolate fixation, like I did with my crisp fixation. I also need to change the way I eat and what I eat. I am in a rut food wise and my diet needs a radical overhaul.

To aid my mental health, I am getting to grips with my physical health. A clean up of my diet combined with a new exercise regime should hopefully kick start my weight loss. I need to get myself fit for all of the physical and mental changes still to happen and to make sure my body is fit for any surgery that I need. Get those endorphins moving and improve my mood.

One of my other aims is to watch less TV and read more books this year. Like a lot of people, I come in at night and instantly turn on the TV. I end up watching the same old rubbish that is repeated on all 5000 Freeview channels every 4 hours ad infinitum................. So more books, more radio, more music, more using the brain power I have left to improve my life and mental health.

I am not letting things get to me. I have to learn to ignore problem people in my life, problems which I can't do anything about and just let the little things go. My mental wellbeing is my most important task and will be for the foreseeable future. I am going to develop my coping strategies, how I present myself and try to reconnect with some people I have lost touch with. Some are, alas, beyond hope and reasoning.

There you have it. Not just new year, new me malarkey. I need to make changes to get through all of this grief, through puberty, through my own overactive mind, through the inevitable setbacks which will occur, the misgendering, the potential physical and verbal abuse and the torrent of negative press that occurs almost daily at the moment. I've made it this far. How I have, I've no idea!! Just smile and wave, smile and wave........................

The Danielle Forecast

Prepared by the Danielle Department
United Kingdom
At 21.00 Hours GMT on the 8th Jan 2018

This is the Danielle forecast for the next 7 days. 

Overview: 
Danielle is feeling very irritable which is leading to outbursts of short temper, snappy remarks and a period of high blood pressure. The outlook for the next 7 days is moderate, becoming poor at times. Pressure is building in all areas, with no sign of it decreasing rapidly. 

The general synopsis is as follows:
Sociability: Poor, becoming moderate, slowly.
Irritability: High
Temper: Short
Weight: High, decreasing more slowly
Self Esteem: Low
Enthusiasm: Moderate
Urge to eat own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Extremely high
Likelihood of eating own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Moderate, becoming more likely.

Outlook:
The long term outlook is brighter, with sociability looking good towards the end of the month. Irritability should decrease, becoming moderate over the next 3 weeks, with the temper becoming longer as well. Weight will decrease more slowly than usual, due to a period of higher sociability at the end of the month. Self esteem will remain low due to the weight decreasing more slowly although an increase of enthusiasm will push in, raising esteem to moderate.

That concludes the Danielle forecast.

2017. A year of one high and many lows. A year that I would like to mostly forget. A year of broken friendships, almost drowning, work problems, inherent system issues (mainly the NHS), weight gain and a general despondent feeling. The only highlight was finally starting my hormone therapy and seeing real, physical changes in my body. 

The emotional changes have been a double edged sword. With each increase in Estrogen dosage, comes a change in my mental health, emotional outlook and emotional awareness. The major issue with it, is the fact that I am going through puberty - again. The emotional rollercoaster has been, for me, very hard to deal with and has thrown up some major issues. Some of which have pushed people away, created issues with myself and had an effect on my relationships with many people.

At the start of June, I started a major downward spiral. The eventual outcome of this was me thinking of the best way to end it all without hurting anyone else. That's is how low I had got. How I pulled myself back, I still don't know. All the weight I'd lost earlier in the year I've put back on and can't shift it - some hormone related and some comfort eating.

At this moment in time, all I want to do is keep myself to myself and hide away from the world for a while. I'm not feeling very sociable, I haven't felt very festive and I am struggling to know where to start to make changes to pull myself out of the black hole. I apologise if I haven't spoken to anyone or taken ages/not replied to messages. I'm not ignoring anyone; I'm just a bad person at this moment in  time.

Only I can get myself out of this. New year, new me and all that. Put 2017 behind me and look forward to 2018. It's going to be a busy year with appointments, more physical and mental changes and potentially more life changing milestones. Need to get my head right first.......

Happy new year to you all xx