For the first time in a long time, A more positive post. I realised that I could not go on as I was and after re-reading my last post, I had to make some drastic changes. Life is short and what's the point in wasting what I have left on worrying about the past, my choices, the people who I have and those who have left my life. I have made a huge change in my life to make it better, so why make the journey worse than it has to be?

My life, my thoughts had become a swirling mess of introspection, self doubt, disbelief, pain, suffering and failure. So, what was the point of continuing with everything. A question I asked myself numerous times. On social media, I was bombarded with images of people with happy lives, having fun, with families and loved ones. Other transitioning people who could afford all the facial and body surgery to look fabulous and really pass as their chosen gender. 

My life, to me, was the absolute opposite. Sad, lonely, no one loved me, a hindrance, 
boring, ugly, fat, a fraud, totally pointless. Why did I think I could ever pass as my chosen gender? I could never look like all those other transitioning people. I'm unlovable, annoying and a freak. Hence all the bad posts, the suicidal thoughts, the worthlessness.

Then, a funny thing happened. I remembered what I was doing, why I was doing it and the end goal. To find myself. To find the me buried for all these years. Why was I comparing my life to others. This is my life. I'm the only one who can change things and make things better. I'm never going to be the most popular person, the most interesting, the prettiest, the skinniest, the one everybody looks up to. I'm just a person who tells bad jokes, is good at quizzes, overweight, can just about pass as my chosen gender, can be too serious at times, can't learn to enjoy myself sometimes, likes my own company and has a weakness for chocolate. I'm annoying, infuriating, intensely loyal to my closest friends, able to listen and love dressing up to go out. 

That's me. Love me or hate me, that's who I am. I am learning that I can love myself, my flaws, my successes. I am making changes to myself. Eating better, exercising more, reading more, watching less TV, not comparing myself to others, weaning myself away from social media. Learning to live outside the social media world again. Not giving a thought to what others think of me and thinking about myself and what I think. Selfish? Absolutely. 

Those who know me well will know that I will always be there for them, what ever has been written above. Just be aware that I still have a lot to deal with and my mind will be pre-occupied sometimes. There are a lot of changes still to come, especially this year and they all have to be implemented by me and me alone. Some will be fun and some will be hard. Some will be easy and some will be difficult. 

So there you have it. I'm coming for you 2018. Don't even think of messing with me. I'm doped up on Estrogen and ready to explode....................................................................