There's been a great deal of press coverage recently about Trans issues; whether it be good, bad or downright ugly, you can't miss it. A lot of it has been derisory, ill-informed, and scare mongering in nature. There have been a few brief glimpses of light in amongst all of this doom and gloom though and for me, Transformation Street on ITV has provided some of it. I can relate to a lot of the issues raised in it. Below I want to explain why transitioning for me wasn't done on a whim.

Now, I am going through my transition on the NHS. I am lucky that I have the opportunity to do this - many people in the world aren't as fortunate. Some things can't be helped with regard to waiting times, which are long due to lack of trained staff, the sheer weight of people being referred and the adherence to internationally recognised treatment standards be leading medical bodies. 

I am currently 16 months into my transition and so far I have had two appointments with my consultant and have started my hormone therapy (9 months). My next consultant appointment is May (almost 11 months after my last) and I haven't even started my speech therapy (next month) or psychotherapy (dates due). As for my facial hair removal, I have the funding (given last April) but as yet, no contact from NHS England to advise on how to go about getting it. Add to that the various Doctors appointments (at least 3 to 4 every 12 weeks) and you can see that it's a very arduous process and you have to be 100% committed. 

Which leads me to my next point. Lots of people think that you wake up one morning and decide that you want to change your gender. Fact - YOU DON'T. For me, the seeds were sown over 25 years ago. That feeling that something wasn't quite right. The feeling that the body you have and the mind inside weren't compatible with each other. Why didn't I do something then? The simple answer - I couldn't. Given the set of circumstances I was living under and the lack of knowledge on the subject, it just wasn't an option.

So what do you do in those circumstances? For me it was closet crossdressing and burying those feelings. Trying to be a 'Man'. Getting girlfriends and getting married. In the very back of my mind, it just didn't feel right. There was always that niggling feeling that all of this wasn't right. It wasn't me. However, you battle on through and try to make the best of everything. Pushing those feelings further and further back, to the point of making sure you don't even see or read anything that could bring those feelings back. 

For me, events happened in my life that, although at the time seemed like the end of the world, have allowed me to explore those feelings again (albeit after a little prompting). Not only have I explored those feelings, I have acted upon them. I made the decision to transition to align my mind with my body. That being 23 years after those first real feelings. Even then, the decision wasn't an easy one to make. It took a event which could have cost me my life to finally make the decision. The risk with regard to my relationships with everyone, my job and my life in general were huge. I had a great deal to lose but ultimately a great deal to gain.

I still have periods of crippling doubt that I can go through all of this. I have lost some relationships; my sibling, to an extent my mum (although contact has now been made) and a few friends. I have also made a few new friends, cemented other relationships and thereby found out who my true friends are. I sometimes feel that I am slipping back towards the old me during those times. Going back to a person I don't want to be. That's when I remind myself what I am doing, where I am going and what I'm striving toward. I remind myself of the suppression of the true me for all those years and how far I've come in a relatively short space of time. 

For me, it's confirmation that this is the true me, when I get comments like this from people I respect immensely: 'You're one of the most female minds I know'; 'Honey when all is said and done you can only be you. Warts, flaws, perfection and all.' I've made it this far in life with everything that has been thrown at me. Last year was the toughest yet. Lots of issues, changes and problems. This year will be tough as well, but hopefully I will have more to show at the end of it. Less aggro, more happy. Either that or more chocolate.