I've kind of been feeling sorry for myself recently and most of my recent blog posts have been the 'Woe is me' kind of posts. Quite rightly so, from my point of view. However, I understand that they can be a little boring after a while to everyone else. It got me thinking about where I am in life, my transition and where I am going from here. I have to move forward or I will go insane.

I have had a rough 9 months since starting my hormone therapy. Through a combination of issues, events and my own ever overactive mind, I have become very lonely, sad, angry,
fat(ter), even suicidal at one point. I have even felt that my demeanour has regressed to a past life which also has got to me.  So, instead of moping about stuff and letting even the tiniest little things get to me, I have decided that I need to get back with the plan and change things up. Not just a little, but a lot. 

I have to remember why I am putting myself through all of this in the first place. Why? To be me. The real me. The me hidden for all of those years. I have to remember that I am going through puberty again, with all its angst, issues, highs, lows, loves, hates and physical issues. I am a teenager, disguised as an adult. Doing adult things. I should enjoy all of this as I didn't really have a proper teenage life the first time. I am finding the real me amongst all of this chaos - I now have to blossom into who I want to be.

My physical health has taken as much of a battering as my mental health recently. Comfort eating, combined with water retention and weight gain through the hormone therapy, have made me put on nearly 2 stone since June. I need to lose that weight and a bit more besides. My weakness is mainly chocolate and to some extent, white bread. I need to kick my chocolate fixation, like I did with my crisp fixation. I also need to change the way I eat and what I eat. I am in a rut food wise and my diet needs a radical overhaul.

To aid my mental health, I am getting to grips with my physical health. A clean up of my diet combined with a new exercise regime should hopefully kick start my weight loss. I need to get myself fit for all of the physical and mental changes still to happen and to make sure my body is fit for any surgery that I need. Get those endorphins moving and improve my mood.

One of my other aims is to watch less TV and read more books this year. Like a lot of people, I come in at night and instantly turn on the TV. I end up watching the same old rubbish that is repeated on all 5000 Freeview channels every 4 hours ad infinitum................. So more books, more radio, more music, more using the brain power I have left to improve my life and mental health.

I am not letting things get to me. I have to learn to ignore problem people in my life, problems which I can't do anything about and just let the little things go. My mental wellbeing is my most important task and will be for the foreseeable future. I am going to develop my coping strategies, how I present myself and try to reconnect with some people I have lost touch with. Some are, alas, beyond hope and reasoning.

There you have it. Not just new year, new me malarkey. I need to make changes to get through all of this grief, through puberty, through my own overactive mind, through the inevitable setbacks which will occur, the misgendering, the potential physical and verbal abuse and the torrent of negative press that occurs almost daily at the moment. I've made it this far. How I have, I've no idea!! Just smile and wave, smile and wave........................

The Danielle Forecast

Prepared by the Danielle Department
United Kingdom
At 21.00 Hours GMT on the 8th Jan 2018

This is the Danielle forecast for the next 7 days. 

Overview: 
Danielle is feeling very irritable which is leading to outbursts of short temper, snappy remarks and a period of high blood pressure. The outlook for the next 7 days is moderate, becoming poor at times. Pressure is building in all areas, with no sign of it decreasing rapidly. 

The general synopsis is as follows:
Sociability: Poor, becoming moderate, slowly.
Irritability: High
Temper: Short
Weight: High, decreasing more slowly
Self Esteem: Low
Enthusiasm: Moderate
Urge to eat own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Extremely high
Likelihood of eating own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Moderate, becoming more likely.

Outlook:
The long term outlook is brighter, with sociability looking good towards the end of the month. Irritability should decrease, becoming moderate over the next 3 weeks, with the temper becoming longer as well. Weight will decrease more slowly than usual, due to a period of higher sociability at the end of the month. Self esteem will remain low due to the weight decreasing more slowly although an increase of enthusiasm will push in, raising esteem to moderate.

That concludes the Danielle forecast.

2017. A year of one high and many lows. A year that I would like to mostly forget. A year of broken friendships, almost drowning, work problems, inherent system issues (mainly the NHS), weight gain and a general despondent feeling. The only highlight was finally starting my hormone therapy and seeing real, physical changes in my body. 

The emotional changes have been a double edged sword. With each increase in Estrogen dosage, comes a change in my mental health, emotional outlook and emotional awareness. The major issue with it, is the fact that I am going through puberty - again. The emotional rollercoaster has been, for me, very hard to deal with and has thrown up some major issues. Some of which have pushed people away, created issues with myself and had an effect on my relationships with many people.

At the start of June, I started a major downward spiral. The eventual outcome of this was me thinking of the best way to end it all without hurting anyone else. That's is how low I had got. How I pulled myself back, I still don't know. All the weight I'd lost earlier in the year I've put back on and can't shift it - some hormone related and some comfort eating.

At this moment in time, all I want to do is keep myself to myself and hide away from the world for a while. I'm not feeling very sociable, I haven't felt very festive and I am struggling to know where to start to make changes to pull myself out of the black hole. I apologise if I haven't spoken to anyone or taken ages/not replied to messages. I'm not ignoring anyone; I'm just a bad person at this moment in  time.

Only I can get myself out of this. New year, new me and all that. Put 2017 behind me and look forward to 2018. It's going to be a busy year with appointments, more physical and mental changes and potentially more life changing milestones. Need to get my head right first.......

Happy new year to you all xx

Now here's a thing. This is a blog abut my life and how I'm feeling, coping, suffering. Whether it be to do with work, life outside of work, medical, physical or mental, it is a snapshot of my life at any given time. With this in mind, it's inevitable that some people (i.e. work) will, shall we say, mis-interpret or mis-construe the contents of the blog and speculate and gossip as to the situation and people involved. 

Now, as I have issues at work at the moment and I have colleagues from my place of work on a well known social media platform. I have been reminded of my 'responsibilities' with regard to my social media output where my work is involved. Therefore, I have taken the opportunity to assess my social media post accessibility via the aforementioned social media network and restrict the access to my social media output so as not to cause any possible employee/employer conflict or mis-interpretation. Clear?

Basically, someone at work has not understood what my blog is about and what it is designed to do. So, they have, for what ever reason, mis-read my last blog post, gossiped and I have now been advised to watch what I post on my blog. So, they won't now be able to see my posts and take offence. Simple? I hope so. I understand that I have to be careful where work is concerned, which is why I never say who I work for or name people involved. Yes, some people will know whom I work for, but unless I work with them on a daily basis, they won't know the people involved. 

I suppose the way to look at it is, when you've been found out, you look for any excuse to try and make it look like someone else's fault. Try and deflect attention. Fine, that's your problem to deal with, not mine. I just want to do my job, earn money and pay my way. If you have issues, your issue. Grow up and deal with them. I am. Rant over.

So, it's been a while. Three months to be exact. A lot has happened in that time. A lot of situations which drove me to an extremely dark place from which I thought I'd never come out of. I had gone as low as I had ever been in my life, even with my new life finally in place. I'm still not out of the woods yet, but I'm along the right path now.

The three months of June, July and August, were three of the worst months of my life. A perfect storm of issues combined to push me into a place I never want to go again. Ever. From losing some, who I thought were close, friends; almost drowning in a river; major issues with work that are still ongoing and the emotional and mental rollercoaster of hormone therapy had thrown me into a downward spiral which was gathering speed daily. Add to that having to hold down a job, run a home and actually function as a normal human being (no laughing at the back) and the fact that I'm still here is, to me, a miracle. In fact, it's a bloody miracle. 

The situation with the ex friends is what it is. EX friends. It did play on my mind for a while. Quite along time actually. Looking at the situation now, with plenty of hindsight, I've worked things through in my mind and I have moved on. I've not closed the door, it will always be open. 

Then came my second life changing experience. My worst nightmare coming true. A little background to the lead up. I had been asked to join my companies team for a local raft race. Stupidly, I agreed to row for them. We had two rafts entered, two rafts built and two teams of intrepid/stupid (delete as applicable) crew. I was on raft one. The rafts were launched and the crews boarded. No drama as yet, but the raft was a little top heavy. We were making our way to the start line when, through a series of events, the raft capsized. Pivoting on me and a branch manager (who has been very supportive of my transition), leaving us trapped, under the raft, under the water. 

One of my worst fears, if not the worst, is being trapped underwater and not being able to breathe. Which is exactly the situation I found myself in. Add to that the caveat that I can't swim and you get the picture. I did have a life jacket on, which was one saving grace. I managed, after what seemed like a lifetime, to get to a gap between the bottom of the raft and the surface of the river. Just enough to get my head into and shout for help. Unbeknown to me at the time, the manager was also trapped underwater, in the same situation as me. 

Once out from under the raft and back into daylight - a welcome sight - I looked around for the other members of the crew. I counted all four of them. My fright then turned to the safety of the crew. Someone on a paddleboard had come over to us and was towing us back to the bank. I was holding onto the paddleboard and the raft with the other members of the crew holding on to the raft. The branch manager looked frightened and I was more concerned for his welfare than I was of mine. I had faced my fear and was still alive. 

I kept an eye on him and made sure he kept his head above the water and in the end, had to get him to grab the paddleboard as I couldn't hold onto the board and raft anymore. Once we got to the bank and righted the raft, we had to get back on to get anywhere, even if we were going to give up. Once we had all got back on we had to decide if we were going to carry on. One by one, we had to decide. One by one, we said 'carry on'. And carry on we did. We finished the race. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was mentally and physically draining. By the time we reached the end, me and the branch manager were quite, sorry, very emotional. What made it harder for me, was that I had no family waiting for me. All the others did. I did have a colleague from work and his partner there, for which I was very grateful. 

This has affected me far more than I thought it would. My worst nightmare had come true and I have had enormous trouble coming to terms with it. I could have died. Second time I have come close in two years. That does some horrible things to your mind. Add that to the friend issue, for which I was still processing at the time.

Then add this into the mix. Work. Issues with. I can't go into many details as it is still ongoing. The only route out that I can see, is to leave the branch. The situation as it stands will not get any better and I have already stated that I don't want to work there anymore. All I can do is go in, work and then go home and try to make the best of it.

All the time this is all happening, I'm trying to get used to the ever increasing amounts of Estrogen in my body, the physical changes that are occurring, the emotional rollercoaster that happens when you go through puberty and the mental merry-go-round of everything. It lead me to a very dark and narrow path. I will mention the word only once. Suicide. 

I've said it. Never again. Never do I want to feel that way again. That's how far I'd sunk and how bad I felt. It's taken a lot of effort and reminders as to how far I've come and what I want to achieve to drag me back up the path. Luckily I've spent most of September either on holiday or at another branch - out of the cauldron of work. I also have to thank my friends for just being my friends. Being there. Feeding me. Getting me out of the flat. Listening to me go on and on and on............. 

I'm hoping the next three months will be better. They can't get any worse. One thing I forgot to mention; one year living full time. Go me!

Um, is it possible to feel absolutely nothing? Seriously. Not physically feel nothing, but emotionally? I really have no feelings at all at the moment. I'm completely numb. No anger, happiness, sadness, excitement. Absolutely nothing.

I've felt like this for a few days now. Whether it is a reaction to recent situation, I don't know, but I'm a little concerned that it shows no sign of getting any better. I've a lot going on and plenty of things coming up....and I'm like 'oh, it's that today'. I get up, do what I have to do, go to work, come home, do what I have to do, go to bed. Then do it all again. Even the thought of going out creates zero feelings. Neither ecstasy or agony.

I had become a far more emotional person than I'd ever been before. That'll be the Oestrogen for you. However, since doubling my dosage last week (more of that in another post), I seem to have gone the other way. Far worse than I was before. I still had feelings - I just kept them well hidden. I've no feelings to hide. I'm ambivalent to everything.

I know that my body and mind are adjusting to the new me, but this seems very strange, even to me (and I accept most things). I'm hoping I'll snap out of it sooner rather than later. I know what will happen if I don't; I don't want to go down that road. It's a dark place that I'd thought I'd left behind. Obviously not.

It's been a few weeks since my last post and boy, has a lot happened in that time! A time of change, personal reflection/introspection and moving on. I have come to realise a few things about friendships and their importance to not just only me, to others around me.

Since my last post, I had a well deserved weeks holiday. A time for catching up with old friends, visiting new places, setting up a new home and generally regrouping after events earlier in the month. It was nice to have a holiday where I could relax, chill and enjoy myself. The weather was fabulous. I even managed to get some sunshine and get a very slight tan! A week without makeup (except some lippy and mascara). A chance for my face to breathe.

It was liberating to go out without a full face of makeup on. The fact that I felt comfortable going out without it was another step out of my comfort zone. So much so, that I'm even going to work without as much on. Yes, there is still a hint of shadow which I can't do much about at the moment, but I don't have a problem with it. I'm confident in how I look when I go out; being confident is a big part of making sure that I am not afraid to leave my comfort zone and try something new. I'm always changing and adapting.

Change has been a big thing for me recently. From moving home to finding myself again and a lot in between. Moving home has been a way for me to get to know myself again. My own space. Being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want. Having clean cutlery and crockery; a clean bathroom and kitchen; no struggling with a broadband connection with 2 Xboxes running at the same time. A good place to come home to at the end of the day. My own sanctuary. So far, I'm loving it.

I have also been able to find myself again. I had become too fixated on becoming someone else and forgetting the essence of who I actually am and who I will develop into. Too busy trying to emulate others and losing my own identity. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I am me. I have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings. I vowed that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me how I should think and feel. That resolve has become stronger recently. I won't go into details - the situation is in the past and I've dealt with it.

I've had a lot of time to think about the relationships that I have with my friends. My friends come in all ages and walks of life. They have all contributed in their way to my life. Some more than others but that is because I see them more than others. I value my friendships; I like to think that I am loyal to my good friends and I would never do anything intentionally to harm or hurt them. If I do, please tell me. I'd rather try and work things out and try to work out why I did what I did - I probably didn't realise that I was doing it.

I always try to look at things from all points of view so I can see how I might have affected a situation or relationship. Unfortunately not everyone seems to and I have to get used to that. I have lost two friends recently - my own fault - but the situation since has allowed me to move on and look at my life as a whole. It's a time to reconnect with others and re establish my own identity. Life goes on. People move on. I'm still here.