So, as I seem to have a bit of time on my hands at the moment, I thought it was a good time to get my addled brains musings into word form for you all to read, digest or ignore at your leisure.

Living on your own during a period of self isolation is tough. It's not just the staying indoors except for legitimate reasons side of it, it's the lack of any human interaction on a daily basis. I am used to it in some ways, in living on my own, but I always had work or friends to see to cope with it. This time though, it's a lot harder and tougher on my mental health. The first week was the hardest. It hit me like a brick. No interaction at all just magnified how isolated I am and how lonely I am.

Now, I'm not looking for sympathy. Some of this is of my own doing. I am scared of meeting people outside of my circle, so I have difficulty making new friends, let alone meeting someone special. I have some good friends and not being able to see them or even interact with them on a one to one personal level is very difficult to deal with. I think, in two weeks, I've actually spoken to 5 people face to face (albeit from either behind Perspex or from 2 metres away). I have video messaged a few people as well, but it's not the same. 

All of this also meant that my operation and my current treatment are also on hold/postponed for the foreseeable future. I'm so close, but yet again, so far. I have to take it in my stride though. It's not been an easy journey so far, so this is really par for the course.

Last week was better. Last week was different. I had relaxed. For the first time in ages, even with all the uncertainty in the world, I had relaxed. Not just chilled out a bit. I relaxed. Being more relaxed has actually been a very good bonus from all of this. It has helped me to sort out my head a little as well as sorting out the physical environment around me. It has given me time to think about what is holding me back and what a rut I had fallen into. Not just work wise, but life in general.

One of my major issues is my body. For me, the hormones only do so much. With my weight, I don't feel, physically, very feminine. This the affects my mental view of myself to the point that I just feel like a fraud and essentially a 'bloke in a dress'. Yes, I have a small chest and a slightly bigger arse, but this, for me at least, isn't enough. I have been acutely aware that this makes me feel, look and act more like the wrong me, especially at home.

When I started transitioning, I wore a pair of false prosthetic breasts and a padded pants. Just to differentiate between the person I used to be and the person I should have been. I stopped wearing them about 2 years ago as I thought that I didn't need them anymore. Whilst going through the myriad of boxes under my bed, I found those attachments. So, out of curiosity, I put them on. Instantly, I felt better. I felt more like I should do. I felt empowered, I felt real. I felt me. (For those with a dirty mind, I'm way ahead of you!) I made the decision to start wearing them again, for the foreseeable future. Since then, I have felt happier, I've been proactive with sorting stuff out in the flat, doing a few bits of DIY and I am feeling better about not having any human interaction. 

Some of you may be disappointed with my decision, but my mental health is my main priority. Plus, wearing the tighter underwear means I am eating less. (Well that and the fact that I am more aware than ever about when I go/what I get, when shopping.) Eating less = Losing weight, hopefully. I religiously eating my 5 a day, drinking more water, snacking less. A double win. 

The uncertainty of the situation we are all in will hit eventually. I will dwell on it. It will pull me back down. As long as everybody does what we need to do, this will be over quicker. I just want to be able to see people in the flesh again. Not to have to stay 2 metres away or be behind Perspex. To give people a hug, to see my close friends again. Even go back to work. Yes, I said it. Work. I'm lucky that I live by the sea, 2 parks and near the town centre, meaning that I have plenty of walking options for my daily exercise. I have 3 supermarkets within walking distance as well. It could be a lot worse. I have to take the view that I am still alive and have all I need around me to survive. And tea. Plenty of tea. 

STAY HOME. SAVE LIVES. PROTECT THE NHS. The quicker we get through this, the quicker life will find a new normality. xx

I plateaued. The despair did eventually level out. I started to climb. Higher. The top is a very long way away though, but I am climbing. The hole is still deep, but the light at the top is now a little brighter.

The last few weeks have still been challenging. The front is still there. The acting is still strong. But a few little things have happened to stop the decent. That reconnection with old friends, connecting to family again, that little piece of good news at work, that few days away from the epicentre of my life, the chemist actually having all of my medication in one go. Plus some beautiful cats. It's a start. 

I'm trying to not think of things going backwards. The 'it's too good to be true' syndrome. The 'I don't deserve this' and the 'we're just teasing you' narratives. Things aren't going to magically be fab overnight. The road will be long and arduous. I'm just going to make small steps along it for now. Take those little pluses where I can and try to weather the minuses. 

I want to thank all those who have listened to me, talked to me, put up with me, helped me and fed me. Thank you to the cats who stared at me whilst I slept. Thank you to my friend for lending me their car. Thank you to my friend who kept messaging me to make sure I was OK. Thank you to the friend who invited me to stay with them for a few days. Thank you to the friend who, even after a couple for rough years between us, I'm still proud to have as a friend. 

Tomorrow is another day...…...

I am struggling. I have been for about 3 months now. I am descending in to a hole from which is getting harder and harder to see the light from the top. A hole in which the further I descend, the more overwhelming everything seems to be. A hole which is threatening to take me over completely.

Transitioning is a long and sometimes very lonely journey. From the gatekeeping in the NHS to the 'friends' that disappear over the years and the family that disown you, it all takes it's toll. Add to that the rampant dysphoria, fear that you will be attacked just for being you, the current media frenzy on the fact that I shouldn't really exist, the rise of far right and far left ideologies debating your very existence and the constant feeling that you will be alone forever, make quite a poisonous cocktail.

Just to be clear, I have never doubted transitioning, never wanted to go back and I know this is the right decision for me. It's just that over the past 3 months, all of this has been slowly but surely eating away at my confidence, sanity, mental and physical health. It is being replaced by anxiety, tiredness, fear, emotional ambivalence and lack of self esteem and confidence in just being alive. The waves of doubt are letting in the waves of wondering if things would be better off if I wasn't here at all. Yes, I've been to that port and it's staring to look like a very nice destination. No more drama, no more pain and no more feeling like a burden.

Medically, I can't just take some anti-depressants to help with this. They interact with my anti - breakdance (epilepsy) meds. NHS counselling consists of CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which give you coping strategies. I've been through that, got the leaflets, seen the books. I've exhausted all my known strategies to help me and they're not working. It's just easier now to slip down the hole and slowly pull away from everyone and everything. You can't miss me if you don't see me as often, right?

Emotionally, I can't even emote properly. I can't cry (and I really want to), scream, feel anything other than ambivalence (again, I want to feel something). Being on my own is hard in the fact you have no one to listen to your fears, thoughts, dreams or to share your life with. Sometime you just want to curl up with someone and be cuddled. Just to be held and told everything is going to be OK. But then finding someone is even more difficult because of who I am and the fear that when you tell someone you are transgender, you may be attacked physically and verbally. Catch 22. Want to find someone but too scared to.

Physically, I'm stating to look in the mirror and not see me. I keep seeing the person I used to be. The person I didn't want to be. The false me. This is my dysphoria. Not seeing the person I want to be after four years of upheaval, appointments, hormones, letting the person I want to be, well, just be. Looking in the mirror and seeing that other person after everything that has happened. It's disheartening and depressing. It permeates everything in my life. From not wanting to go out or speak, to just how I hold myself, sit, eat or even think. 

I do have some very good friends, surrogate family and my own family (a couple of my cousins) around me. However, as much as they say they are there for me, I need far  more than they can give right now. I need that cuddle, that cry, that emotional support. I have always given support when it's needed. That's just me. That's what I do. Please understand that I cannot do this anymore. I've nothing left to give. It's to my detriment that I now cannot even help myself. I need that help now. I need a friend like me. That one who will put their issues to one side, even when they are low and help others. 

What you see and hear everyday from me is a front. A well acted and thought out and constructed front. That laughter hides the hurt, that smile hides the pain, that joke hides the emotional void. I sit at home and the darkness descends. That loneliness grips me. I speak to no one after I get home until I get to work the next day. Anxiety then stops me from going out and just exiting outside my four walls, so makes it worse. Catch 22 again. 

The sum of these parts is the cause of my decent over the past few months. On their own, they are probably easier to overcome. However, when they start to intertwine with each other, it's extremely hard to even know where to start. So you don't. And it pushes you deeper and deeper down that hole. Ever deeper. Ever deeper.

Love and relationships. The eternal conundrum. It's something I have been giving a lot of thought to recently as my past posts will testify. It's an area of my life that I haven't wanted to explore over the past few years as I have had a lot of other things to think about which have been more important. However, since I have started my therapy sessions, it's an area of my life that is now not looking so bleak and out of reach.

My mantra for the past few years has been : Whatever happens, happens. Meaning, that if anyone of any denomination passed my way, then so be it. However, more recently, my heart is being drawn in a certain direction with regard to my sexuality. Don't ask me how or why, it's just sort of, well, happening. I suppose, the combination of puberty, hormones, finding myself and the whole relationship issue has finally kickstarted my journey toward my sexuality.

There are many labels out there to define someones sexuality. Terms such as Lesbian, Gay, Demisexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual and others out there are used to denote someones sexual preferences. A majority of  people have worked out their sexuality during their teenage years. It's a time for experimentation and finding out who you are and you usually have a pretty good idea who you like by your early 20's. I thought I had as well. 

I find myself going back a *few* years to being a teenager and the process of defining my sexuality, albeit without the experimentation and the fact I have to 'adult' on a daily basis. Who do I find attractive? What am I looking for in a potential partner? All questions everyone in the history of time has asked themselves. Actually having to think about it as an adult is fraught with the dangers of hindsight and experience. Your judgement is clouded. Well, it is for me. I'm a worrier and look for the worst in a situation/experience. 

You have to bear in mind, it's been 8 years since I was in a relationship and nearly 20 years since I last dated. Which also means over 8 years since I actually shared a bed or home with anyone. Then again, I'm not the person I was all those years ago. A lot has changed. I'd like to think my sexuality is still in a fluid state and still will be for a few years yet. Lately, I am finding a group of people more attractive and I can picture myself with that group more than another. Even a type is emerging. 

No clues for you though. It's something I want to keep to myself  as it's a very personal thing that is also a major part of finding myself as me. I want to see what happens and where the hormones take me and my heart. At least things don't seem so scary now. Small steps and all that...…..xx

Summer is almost here. The mornings and evenings are lighter and with that, my mood is in a better place. It's nice to go to work and come home in the light. That extra boost you need after the dark and cold winter months. An injection of Vitamin D to brighten up my view. 

If you've been reading my posts, you'll know I've been going to counselling sessions. These have been very tough, both emotionally and mentally on me, due to the nature of what I am dealing with. I've had four so far and whilst at the start, it was extremely difficult and draining, I am finally beginning make sense of what I am dealing with. Drawing the lines between the dots and creating a clearer picture of my issues and my way forward. 

For me, talking one to one with someone is the best form of counselling. Someone who is also detached from my group and has no preconceptions about anyone involved. They also understand the unique issues that transgender people have and the pressures that we are under from society as a whole. Just being able to get all of these issues out in the open with someone who has a different view on them is good as it gives me a new angle on which to tackle them from.

Only I can deal with them though. The counselling can provide the tools to help me, but ultimately, I am in control of the outcome. It will be a long process for some of the issues; there won't be an overnight fix. At least I can see a way forward now. 

It was nice to have a week away from work last week. A week of doing nothing but days out and spending a little money on myself. Summer clothes, bus and train rides and the odd coffee and cake to relax and take stock of life. Recharge the batteries. The fact that I didn't have to get up at five am and could actually have a proper lie in for the first time in months was absolute bliss! (Going to sleep at three am probably had something to do with that as well!) 

So that's where I am at the moment. Things are looking better. Things are looking brighter. I can see a new way forward and see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Small steps...…...xx

Am I lovable? Will I ever find somebody who will love me for me? Will I end up a lonely lady with 100 cats and have to get cat food delivered by the lorry load? Do people really like me or do they just tolerate me? These are questions that currently plague my life. The subject of finding that significant other is one that scares me like nothing else. 

One of the things I am dealing with in my counselling sessions is relationships. Relationships between me and my friends and family and also going forward, relationships with a potential partner. It has really bought into focus to me how my relationships have and can change in an instant. I've said before about how I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved. Fact. The side effect of this is the barriers I have put up. The barriers that effect every relationship I have. The barriers that prevent me from really opening up and trusting anyone. The barriers that make me fearful that even my closest friends will eventually reject me. 

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. No one will want to be with me and no one will ever love me. As far as I am concerned, this is how it is going to be. The thought of even starting to find someone is almost impossible to conceive. The thought of even going out to date or going online to date is frightening. That fear of rejection is seemingly too much to overcome. 

I admit that I am lonely and I want to have someone special in my life. I miss that human contact. I don't feel lovable or even vaguely attractive. The counselling is helping me to equip myself with the mindfulness and belief to love myself firstly and then that will allow me to start dating and finding that someone. Helping me to break down, or at least lower these seemingly insurmountable barriers. 

Also in focus is how I generally interact with people. I fully admit that I am not the easiest person to get on with. I am moody and that generally will show in my interaction with those people I spend the most time with. I also admit that I am more selfish than I used to be. I have had to become more selfish. I have had to focus on my wellbeing and my own happiness more than ever. For the first time in my life, I come first. I have spent years putting others first and putting myself last. My happiness was put to the back of my mind as I was always making sure everyone else was happy.

This has also affected how I interact with people. Some people who were in my life just can't accept the fact that the focus is on me now and not what I can do for them. Those people who think that I should always contact them or do what they want with no regard to my wellbeing. I learnt how to say no and mean it. I do what is best for me now and not what people want me to do. I am still there for the people who mean the most to me, but I do say no more often now. 

I've a long way to go until I get anywhere near being able to date or open up to people. I've spent so long with these barriers up, that I can't remember a world without them. It's a scary prospect. But it's my only chance to find someone special and to put these fears to rest. Back to cuddling the pillow tonight. Yay.

To say the counselling has taken it's toll, would be an understatement. It really has knocked me sideways. The act of bringing situations, people and my own inbuilt fears and issues into focus and having to start really dealing with them has been both mentally and physically difficult for me. At the moment, I feel like I am just existing; nothing is going to make me happy again and I can't see a way forward. 

A lot of the issues I currently have are due to circumstances and events that have happened in the past. They go back over many, many years and each time something has happened, I usually just deal with it, put it away in a little area of my brain and move on. Only, I hadn't really dealt with anything properly. I'd just filed it away and consciously forgotten about it. However, that's where the subconscious mind has always been rifling through them, slowly making me act certain ways or making me deal with situations in certain ways. They have in their own ways, shaped how I think, act and interact with people; not always in a good way.

I know that in the long term, it will be good for me to deal with these circumstances and events once and for all and then I should be able to deal with the fallout from them which is hindering me in my everyday life. I have one overriding issue with which I need to deal with and once I have dealt with it and changed my mindset, it will be a huge stumbling block removed. It's a big ask at the moment as it is the one thing that frightens me the most, given my current situation. It's the second biggest thing I crave (after surgery), but one that can and will change my life immeasurably. 

This month also marks my two years on hormone therapy. Two years of watching the physical transformation of my face and body and my mental and emotional transformation. I can now look in the mirror and see my face has changed and is not that person I was a few years ago. As for my body, I can see some underlying changes. Especially the weight gain. About 2 stone in 2 years. Mostly a combination of hormone changes and comfort eating. Mentally and emotionally is where I see the biggest change in me. More emotional, compassionate and certainly moody!

I would never go back to who I was. That person is no longer with us. For all the negatives during my transition, it is something I have never regretted. I am who I am and now I can be that person. I am not confined to a role I was never comfortable in or a lifestyle that felt alien to me. I can express myself and live more freely. 

It is also something which, as mentioned above, gives me my greatest fear for the future. that is finding someone to share my future with. My stumbling block is being able to overcome my fear of rejection (as I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved). That fear, combined with being transgender, is one of the biggest challenges of my life to overcome. I want someone in my life, but I'm afraid it'll never happen and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Which in turn affects my mental health and makes things seem even worse. A vicious circle. 

So, put everything together and that's why I feel like I'm just existing at the moment. I can't move forward, without looking back. I'm also in limbo with a couple of other things related to my transition which add to the mix as well as working more hours to cover my trips to London for my counselling. It was never gong to be easy, I just never thought it would be this hard. xx