Doubt. Major doubt. I can't do this. It's too difficult. Why did I ever think I could? This is the first time in 18 months that I've felt this way. I'm still feeling like it now. I don't like it. I don't know what to do. I need to do something. I've waited too long to get to this point and need to get back to where I was.

It's been a difficult week so far. I've been a bad friend. I'm slipping back into bad habits and need to stop and think. I can't change what's happened, but I can learn from my mistakes. I need to find some of the ODM. The quiet and independent me. Not worrying about what other people are doing. As someone, quite rightly pointed out, people all have their own lives to lead and their own issues.

I need to deal with this on my own. Only I can. Only I will. Back to basics. I can't cause any trouble if I stay out of the way. I've got this far in life on my own so hopefully I will get through this. It's going to even harder than anything I've done before as I have so much to lose if I can't. Thee ODM self destruct button has struck again.

I don't think the lack of sleep is helping things either. Averaging about 4 hours broken sleep if I'm lucky. I'm on holiday the week after next. Time to really put any changes into action. 

I'll start by saying that this post will not go into any detail of my date, however, I hope it will give you an idea as to how I'm feeling now I have finally been on one.

Dating as a transgender female is even more daunting than I ever imagined. I joined a couple of dating sites a few months ago; one LGBT and one mainstream. Profiles were identical, pictures as well. I said I was transgender from the very beginning and was pre-op. Was I prepared for the onslaught that was awaiting me - no. In a nutshell, this is what I encountered: Dick pics galore, threesomes, lonely American soldiers in west Africa, ticking a transgender off of their list, a one night stand and me wanting to 'do' them. I'm trying to get rid of the damn thing, not use it more!

I have so much respect for how much crap females have to put with on dating sites. I've heard many horror stories, but until you experience it for yourself, you can't possibly imagine how bad it is. I had to delete my profiles eventually as there was nobody serious or willing to take me on as I am. I was dejected and resigned to being single for a long time yet.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I got a message asking me on a date. A bit of background to put things in order. Last year, this same person messaged me out of the blue asking for a date. They were a friend of a friend of a friend. They were at a quiz I went to with a couple of friends and via my  friends, they found me via Facebook. You can guess the rest. We chatted a bit and eventually agreed to meet up.

The day came for the date. I was looking forward to it. My first date as me! I started to get myself ready and.........they cancelled on me. 4 hours before. If you read the last post, you know how disappointed I was. It was a rejection. I knew it might happen, but I didn't realise how much it would affect me. My confidence took a hit and my initial reaction was that they'd got cold feet as I am transgender. I did let them know how I felt and did vow never to go on a date with them.

Fast forward a few months. The last post explained the situation behind me going for a date. I was expecting the date to be called off again, so that I wasn't disappointed if it was. I got ready, picked out my outfit, WhatsApp'ed my friends to get their opinion and waited for the cancellation message. It never came. With the time ticking by, I had to get going. A short bus ride and I'd be there.

I arrived at the venue first. That means that I'll have to buy my own drink. D'oh! I looked at the cocktail menu (dutch courage) and picked out a mojito. Hmmm....a lovely mojito. I got  my drink, sat down and waited. And waited. And eventually, they turned up. Thy didn't recognise me at first as I have dark blue hair now (not my natural mousey colour) so a bit of frantic arm waving was needed!

(This next paragraph is classified information as it contains private information).

Before we knew it, three hours had flown by and it was time for us to both go home to our respective beds (we both had to get up at 5am). They escorted me to the bus stop and waited with me until the bus came. We had a little cuddle and a peck on the cheek and I boarded the bus back home. When I got back, there was a message saying I looked beautiful and asking for a second date.

My confidence took a shot in the arm. It went better than I expected. The conversation flowed, I felt at ease, not only with them but with myself. It has given me more optimism when it comes to dating and how I present myself. The fact that I made small talk for three hours is a miracle in itself! It was all positive and I feel better for going as it is out of my comfort zone and I need to push myself out of my comfort zone sometimes. Friends, take note!

A second date is currently being arranged. Just settling on a date. Not next week as I'm moving home. My own flat. I can't wait!!

A few little morsels of my life for you, served with (hopefully) humour on a Liquid Crystal Display near you. You've had a long enough break, so time to get going again.

I have a date tomorrow night. Yes, me. A date. Now, I can't really say a lot, as my date reads this blog. So, all I will give you tonight is how I am feeling ahead of the date. Initially, I wasn't nervous. However, as the day has gotten closer, my nerves are kicking in. You have to bear in mind that I haven't dated before. A complete novice. Even the old, dead me, last dated in 2000. A lot has changed since then. Especially me.

Not that the old, dead me(ODM) dated much anyway. Far too shy, believe it or not. One of you out there will remember the old dead shy me, pre 2000 dating. It scared the crap out of the ODM. Never felt comfortable. Too nervous and painfully shy. To be honest, I still am a little shy, I just manage to hide it.

I have met my date before. We were due to go on a date last year, but due to 'circumstances', it didn't happen. I was disappointed as I was looking forward to experiencing my first date as me. I did, in no uncertain terms, convey my disappointment over the circumstances and did vow never to go on a date with this person again.

You only live once. One chance. One life. When the message came though recently asking if I wanted to go on a date, my initial reaction was NO! I sought advice from my one of my mentors, who basically said 'why not? What have you got to lose?' So, I said yes. They just have to be aware that, if they bail again, they won't be so lucky. No pressure there then......

To be serious for a minute, the past is the past and I am willing to give them another chance. Life is short and I'm willing to try again. We have spoken about what has happened and I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. I can't guarantee I won't make any sarcastic remarks though - that's just my nature!!
Will I blog about the date? I'm  unsure. I may go over my feelings about it and my general experience as it would be unfair on my date to go into any detail.

A comment made over dinner this evening combined with a chat whilst on a lovely walk, has confirmed that the hormones are making a physical difference. The problem is, that I see my face every day, so I don't really see the changes.(I do apologise to the mirror for having to look at my face, it's only right.) It's only when people tell me that I look different and that they can't remember how the ODM looked, plus the comment 'Do you use moisturiser?' even after  a 5 mile walk, is very encouraging to hear.

I am feeling different, thinking differently, acting differently. Why the hell didn't I do this sooner? Life got in the way. That's why. People got in the way. Got rid of them. Situations arose. Dealt with them. Brain got in the way. Talked to it and told it what for. Now I am surrounded by people who care, a brain that is finally in tune with what my heart wants and a life going in the right direction. How I got to this point in my life without completely losing it, is a mystery to me......

Just one more, I promise, then  I'll leave you all alone for a while. I wanted to put a little post outlining my feelings on my transition, my role models and what is happening in the near future.

My transition is something I waited a long time to put into motion. Lots of agonising and talking. I then had to wait a year to see a consultant and then six months to start my hormone therapy. I am now six weeks into my therapy and I am getting used to the new me, albeit slowly. I feel so much better than I did in my old, dead life. I feel different emotionally and mentally. I am starting to look different physically.

The difference in my body's chemical makeup is a weird feeling. After having certain chemicals running through my body for 30 years, you get used to them and their actions. Suddenly having that subdued and a new major chemical taking over is a complete shock to the system. Not in a bad way for me, but strange nevertheless. My thought processes are a little different and to me, my whole demeanour is better aligned with my true gender.

One thing that I am feeling is that I am becoming a little needy and I am trying too hard to be included. I don't want to be that person and I am thinking that I need to have a look at myself and how I am with my friends. It could be down to wanting to feel needed and wanting to be important and I have to remember that people do have other friends besides me. I have to find some of the quieter, can be alone person again, otherwise I may push the people I need away.

Being relatively new to all of this, I need people to look up to, people who I can learn from and people who will help me and show me where I might be going wrong. Role models. There are two people who are my main role models; people who inspire me with their life stories and experience. I look up to these people who even though they have had rough times and have their own issues now, are still able to carry on with their lives and everything life throws at them. I have so much respect for them and I have learnt so much from them. I just wish I'd known them longer than I have.

I do have other people who I will always be eternally grateful to and wouldn't be at this point now without them. They have helped me in many ways, whether it be encouragement, making me go out, feeding me, listening to me or making me drink alcohol. Lots of alcohol! They will always be dear to me and all of these people are close enough for me to call my family. In the absence of my own, immediate family, these are the people I turn to for support and guidance. I have to say that I am in contact with two of my cousins and an Auntie, so not all of my maternal family contact has been lost. This is important to me. More than they realise.

So, to the future. What's happening soon? Firstly, I have been given funding for facial hair removal. I am awaiting a letter from NHS England to tell we where I can go to have the treatment. Secondly, I will be having my three month Hormone Therapy review next month and if all goes well, they may up my oestrogen dose. Finally, I have my second 'assessment' at the Clinic. As I have my hormone therapy already, I'm interested to see what this assessment will cover. I'll have to wait and see, won't I!

Even after all the drama with the hormones, my emotions and my mental exhaustion, I am very happy with the way it is all going and hopefully it will continue in this way. Fingers crossed. xx

I won't bore you for much longer, honest, but I still have something that I want to write about following on from the last post. This week has made me think about what I need to do to make sure that I am strong enough, both mentally and emotionally, to navigate my way through my own issues and life.

I will always be there for my friends - yes, even those who are struggling but don't ask for help - as that is the kind of person I am. However, I can't let happen again, the culmination of situations that lead to my almost implosion last week. April drained me emotionally and mentally, meaning that I had nothing left for me when I needed it most.

My body is going through all sorts of physical and hormonal changes of which I am still getting to grips with. I need to be strong to be able to deal with the effects now and in the future. Basically, I have to look after myself and put myself first. Become more selfish. Say 'no' more. I have no idea what is going to happen, so I need to be ready for whatever comes my way. Mental health is a big issue in the transgender community, on top of everything else.

Please bear with me if I say no to going out more often or pass on things. I'm not going into complete hibernation or anything, but I need to regroup and refresh; recharge the emotional batteries. On the whole, I always have been mentally strong as I have had to be. I'm proud of the fact that I can usually pull myself out of my low periods, but each low eats into my reserves and currently, they are virtually empty. If a cycle is emerging, due to the hormone therapy, I have two weeks in which to replenish some of my reserves for the next low.

I always have to keep sight of the reason why I am going through all this. Being me. Being the true me. The positives will far outweigh the negatives - I just have to get through the negatives to realise my dream. My positives so far are: Hair growth being less coarse and slower; skin becoming softer; growth in the right places and generally feeling happier in my own skin. Looking in the mirror and seeing Danielle, seeing my true gender looking back at me and not the cold, dead, old me.

There is no way I would ever go back. However hard it may get, however rocky the road, this is me now. This is my happy. This is my life.

Hormones. Gotta love 'em! Well, most of the time. They will be a major factor in my transition and am I feeling their effects already! I shall explain how, what, where and why............

I have finally started my hormone therapy. Even though I was approved last December, my GP wouldn't prescribe until my consultant had applied for shared care with my local Clinical commissioning group. This was finally done in mid March.

I had a phone call from my GP to tell me I had three prescriptions waiting for me to collect. Things were finally going to happen. This is me finally starting the true physical transformation to the real me. To say I was elated is probably an understatement. I was excited, nervous, hopeful.....did I say excited? I couldn't wait to collect the prescriptions and start the process.

I couldn't start straight away as one of the elements had to be ordered - the testosterone suppressant injection. It only took two days, but, this combined with a weekend, left me on tenderhooks. That was my main focus all weekend. That's all I thought about. On the Monday after work, I rushed down to the chemist to pick up my future.

The was passed to me. Inside was what I'd been waiting for since September - the injection, my Oestrogen tablets and a tablet to take for two weeks to suppress the initial effects of the injection. (It can cause the body to produce more testosterone at first). I had to go to the Practice nurse at my GP to have the injection. That's when the nerves kicked in. My life is going to change forever. This is it. This was everything had been striving towards so far.

So, after exposing by left buttock, the needle was positioned and the injection given. It is supposed to last three months. All nervousness disappeared. It had started. I was finally on my way. I started the tablets the next day. 2mg of Oestrogen every day for three months, the other tablet for the next two weeks. This is all reviewed after three months, when hopefully my Oestrogen will be doubled and I have another injection.

So, Hormones. Life's biological chemistry. It's been a, well, interesting 5 weeks so far. The first few days were ok......then the first of the changes started. Mood swings, feeling alone, just wanting to curl up and cry, aching. A week of feeling like this. Yeah. It wasn't good. After 30 years of getting used to a certain hormone balance, they were all over the place. I thought that there would be effects, but not so quickly.

I have to say, to all my natural born female friends that I am in complete awe of you all. I never fully comprehended what an effect hormones could have and never fully will, but even just having this glimpse has given me a massive wake up call and understanding into what you go through.

Basically, I have started puberty for the second time. Hormones all over the place, mood swings, things growing, things shrinking, my body changing shape. Throw in the hot flushes and holding down a full time job and you get a very interesting few weeks. In the three weeks after the initial symptoms, there were no issues. I thought everything had levelled out. Then came week 5. Week 5. Probably a week to forget.

Hormones. Extreme mood swings. Extreme feeling of loneliness. Blowing everything out of all proportion. Just wanting to curl up in a duvet and eat my own body weight in chocolate.......sound familiar? That combined with the job, trying to find somewhere to live, and thinking that I'd upset someone who'd become a good friend was an awful combination.

I had also been helping other people over the prior few weeks with their problems - of which I wouldn't change as that's the type of person I am and that had left me emotionally drained. You see, I don't have a significant other to go home to or family that are close at hand to go to. I am, on a daily basis, alone with my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I do have awesome friends but most of the ones who I see the most are the ones I'd been helping through their problems. Hence the feeling of extreme loneliness. I had no one to turn to.

Putting all this together created a perfect storm. The immense feeling of isolation did nearly send me over the edge. All I wanted was a cuddle, someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. I'm holding back the tears now, just writing this. Hormones. I still want a cuddle - I may burst into tears if I get one.

This week has been better so far. I have seen my friend and sorted things out which has made me a lot happier, I have (hopefully) found somewhere to live, the mood swings are lessening and I had a good weekend in good company. I know that in three weeks that I will go through it all again. I wouldn't change it for the world. This is my world now.

Before the big update, I thought I'd give you an overview into my morning routine. In the past, I'd just be able to get up, get dressed, have my breakfast and go to work. 20 minutes at most.
Now, it takes a bit longer. almost three times as long. I can't leave anything out, it all has to be done. It's my choice and I am not complaining and hopefully it will give you an idea of what I go through on a normal work day.

5.00 - alarm goes off.
5.00.15s - realise it's a work day and get up.
5.01 - tie hair up, dressing gown and slippers on.
5.03 - into bathroom to wash face/shave face and top of chest/shower.
5.10 - back into bedroom. TV on (Jeremy Kyle).
5.11 - Fully dry off, moisturise knees, elbows, shoulders and chest where shaved.
5.14 - Cleanse, tone and moisturise face.
5.17 - Prime chin, under eyes and nose
5.18 - apply panstick to chin/nose/sideburn area and powder
5.20 - apply foundation, powder and blend in so no tide mark.
5.25 - Eyebrows/eyeliner/mascara.
5.28 - Lipstick and blusher.
5.31 - Deodorant/bodyspray
5.32 - put on foundation underwear.
5.33 - put on bra and breast forms.
5.34 - put on necklace
5.35 - Get dressed.
5.38 - brush hair and put in ponytail.
5.40 - put on rest of jewellery.
5.42 - make breakfast and eat.
5.45 - clean teeth.
5.48 - put on coat, get handbag, get lunch.
5.50 - leave house, get in car, drive to work.
6.30 - arrive at work.

So there you have it. It will get easier and shorter as things progress. However, if everything goes to plan, it is going to get worse first. I am hopefully moving soon and a consequence of that will be a 4.45am start as my journey to work will be longer. I wouldn't go back to the old routine though - or the person. This is all totally worth it!