Hormones. Gotta love 'em! Well, most of the time. They will be a major factor in my transition and am I feeling their effects already! I shall explain how, what, where and why............

I have finally started my hormone therapy. Even though I was approved last December, my GP wouldn't prescribe until my consultant had applied for shared care with my local Clinical commissioning group. This was finally done in mid March.

I had a phone call from my GP to tell me I had three prescriptions waiting for me to collect. Things were finally going to happen. This is me finally starting the true physical transformation to the real me. To say I was elated is probably an understatement. I was excited, nervous, hopeful.....did I say excited? I couldn't wait to collect the prescriptions and start the process.

I couldn't start straight away as one of the elements had to be ordered - the testosterone suppressant injection. It only took two days, but, this combined with a weekend, left me on tenderhooks. That was my main focus all weekend. That's all I thought about. On the Monday after work, I rushed down to the chemist to pick up my future.

The was passed to me. Inside was what I'd been waiting for since September - the injection, my Oestrogen tablets and a tablet to take for two weeks to suppress the initial effects of the injection. (It can cause the body to produce more testosterone at first). I had to go to the Practice nurse at my GP to have the injection. That's when the nerves kicked in. My life is going to change forever. This is it. This was everything had been striving towards so far.

So, after exposing by left buttock, the needle was positioned and the injection given. It is supposed to last three months. All nervousness disappeared. It had started. I was finally on my way. I started the tablets the next day. 2mg of Oestrogen every day for three months, the other tablet for the next two weeks. This is all reviewed after three months, when hopefully my Oestrogen will be doubled and I have another injection.

So, Hormones. Life's biological chemistry. It's been a, well, interesting 5 weeks so far. The first few days were ok......then the first of the changes started. Mood swings, feeling alone, just wanting to curl up and cry, aching. A week of feeling like this. Yeah. It wasn't good. After 30 years of getting used to a certain hormone balance, they were all over the place. I thought that there would be effects, but not so quickly.

I have to say, to all my natural born female friends that I am in complete awe of you all. I never fully comprehended what an effect hormones could have and never fully will, but even just having this glimpse has given me a massive wake up call and understanding into what you go through.

Basically, I have started puberty for the second time. Hormones all over the place, mood swings, things growing, things shrinking, my body changing shape. Throw in the hot flushes and holding down a full time job and you get a very interesting few weeks. In the three weeks after the initial symptoms, there were no issues. I thought everything had levelled out. Then came week 5. Week 5. Probably a week to forget.

Hormones. Extreme mood swings. Extreme feeling of loneliness. Blowing everything out of all proportion. Just wanting to curl up in a duvet and eat my own body weight in chocolate.......sound familiar? That combined with the job, trying to find somewhere to live, and thinking that I'd upset someone who'd become a good friend was an awful combination.

I had also been helping other people over the prior few weeks with their problems - of which I wouldn't change as that's the type of person I am and that had left me emotionally drained. You see, I don't have a significant other to go home to or family that are close at hand to go to. I am, on a daily basis, alone with my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I do have awesome friends but most of the ones who I see the most are the ones I'd been helping through their problems. Hence the feeling of extreme loneliness. I had no one to turn to.

Putting all this together created a perfect storm. The immense feeling of isolation did nearly send me over the edge. All I wanted was a cuddle, someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. I'm holding back the tears now, just writing this. Hormones. I still want a cuddle - I may burst into tears if I get one.

This week has been better so far. I have seen my friend and sorted things out which has made me a lot happier, I have (hopefully) found somewhere to live, the mood swings are lessening and I had a good weekend in good company. I know that in three weeks that I will go through it all again. I wouldn't change it for the world. This is my world now.