I'm going to rename the blog, for this week at least, 'The Hormonal rantings of a Trans Woman or the musings of a Pubescent Adult Female.' I think that will adequately describe what I am about to write about. If you haven't already guessed, it will involve hormones, emotions, sensations and my body trying and succeeding to trick me.

Although I have mentioned this before, here is a brief overview of what I am currently experiencing.  A combination of Estrogen and a testosterone suppressant is helping to physically change my body. A body ravaged by years of testosterone. It changes my physical appearance, redistributing the fat to create a more feminine shape, develops breast tissue, softens the skin and reduces body hair growth. The change in my hormonal balance has also changed the way I see and experience life, especially emotionally, namely a greater range of emotional experience, greater mood swings, more empathy and a change in the way I view the world. My struggles with my mental health have been well documented already - they are still ongoing.

When I started my hormone therapy, I did start to fall into a 28 day cycle. Feeling emotional; wanting to kill and then wanting to cry and then feeling unwell; headaches and overwhelming desire to sleep.
I went through a couple of these cycles until my dosage was increased. Then, nothing. Maybe the odd week of PMS, the odd few days of headaches straight after, but generally, not too many bad weeks. That was until last week. The week my body thought it would be fun to experiment with this cycle and completely throw me off guard.

(By the way, I'm making a cup of tea whilst writing this and have committed the cardinal sin of putting in the milk before the hot water. I hang my head in eternal shame.) My last increase in dosage was last December. 8mg of Estrogen. No real issues with the increase, I thought I'd got away with it again. All was good until the beginning of last week. My PMS started. Mood swings, mainly anger and irritability. Fine, I thought, no biggie. Then, on Sunday, my body decided that I needed to experience some of the pain that comes during the menstruation stage.

I know I don't possess the correct physical attributes to accurately experience the pain of this phase of the cycle, but my body gave me back ache, a cramping sensation, intense headaches, sore breasts and wanting to eat my own (increasing) body weight in food. It gradually got worse on Monday. I had been feeling grotty at work and the cramping had got worse during the day. Getting home was a struggle, between the headaches and the back pain. It resulted in me curled up on the sofa, under a blanket with a hot water bottle. Even the then, the pain was only subdued. 

The combination of everything was unlike anything I have experienced before. To all you genetic females out there, I now have a small insight into what you have to go through and I have the greatest respect for you all. You are all amazing. For me, it's all part of my transition and something that I may have to get used to. I'm only just getting used to the mood swings! I went to bed, still cuddling the now lukewarm hot water bottle in search of some relief. Luckily, I was off on Tuesday, but, unluckily, I had to be up early. 

Tuesday, however, was a new day and my body had decided that I'd had enough pain for a couple of days and let me wake up feeling marginally better. I was up early as I had my appointment with my GP for my 12 week check up. A transition MOT check. The good news is my Estrogen count is where it needs to be and the bad news is my weight gain. 20lb since last June!! I expected a little bit, due to the fat redistribution, but not that much. OK, perhaps there is a little comfort eating in there, but that's quite a lot in just over 6 months. So, I have been advised to exercise a bit more, watch what I eat a bit more and generally keep an eye on it. 

Someone has asked me if I regret the decision I took over 2 years ago, to go through all of this. Even with the pain. mood swings, constant appointments and all that goes with transitioning. My answer - not one little bit. It's part of who I am and who I'm becoming. It's the person inside me finally emerging from the assigned gender to which I was given at birth. Puberty as an adult is hard, really hard. However, given my bodily changes and my new lease of life, ultimately worth it. 

It's that time of year when I have to change one of the numbers in my age. Yes, I am now a year older. Another year of life under my belt, another year of self discovery. Quite a rollercoaster of a year as well. Many downs and a few ups. Enough of all that though. It's time to move on and look forward to this year and all it promises.

Since Christmas, I have thought long and hard about my life and about how I feel about myself. I have had periods of self doubt in the past that I will never be able to pass or be able to be myself. However, a few things have recently fallen into place that have given me a real shot in the arm and confidence in myself and my perception to other people.

The first event was on Christmas eve. Having my hair plaited. Yes, it's now long enough to have plaits in. My friends daughter had been wanting to do it for ages and as I was staying there over Christmas, it seemed the perfect time to have it done. On Christmas day itself, the next event happened. My friends daughter had also bought me a onesie for Christmas. So, on Christmas night, she had the idea of us wearing our onesies whilst wearing facemasks. Of course, I jumped at the idea! So, there we were, Christmas night, wearing our onesies, in facemasks and plaited hair. Absolute bliss. I absolutely loved it.

For me, it was confirmation that this was how it should have been all those years ago. Instead of being forced to do the things of my assigned (at birth) gender, I was now doing something I should have been doing. I felt like a proper teenage girl. That was the best Christmas present I've had for a long time. Something so simple that has such an enormous impact.

Those little things, combined with the events from my last post and a few comments that have been made to me recently, have really changed the way I am feeling about myself. Comments like 'You have the most female mind I know' and comments on the changes to my face structure and voice have changed the way I am carrying myself and projecting myself to the world. My body changes, my reflection in the mirror - how I see myself are all coming together to make me feel better about myself. 

This has carried into my birthday week. A week of going here, there and everywhere. From a birthday meal (all cooked from scratch), to spa treatments (a yoga/Beatles inspired treatment), to birthday lunches at large department stores and onto a London stage show, via lunch with very good friends and their little one, a night at the dogs, and catching up with friends I hadn't seen for a few months, it was a whirlwind week. Thank you to everyone for a wonderful week, whether I saw you for hours or minutes, you made my week.

Believe it or not, I am shy. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still get anxious before I go somewhere new or meet new people. It is especially heightened because of my transition as I do have to be on my guard whenever I am out of my home, just in case someone says something or does something to me. That being said, I can't live my life behind closed doors and I have to push my boundaries by doing new things and going to new places. Either on my own or with people, I have to do it. I'm just trying to live my life. Just like everyone else. 

I'm hoping to finally get a holiday this year. It's in the planning stages at the moment, but a trip abroad is looking likely. The sunny Costa Blanca beckons towards the end of summer. Got to get my passport first though. This in itself will be another confidence boost. My first passport in my new identity. Then going abroad for the first time. I'm excited and scared at the same time. It's another event that I have to do to push my boundaries. Plenty of time to get my bikini body ready and/or put Greenpeace on standby. 

I'm not going to tempt fate by saying things are good. They are getting better. Better than they were before Christmas by a long shot. I just want things to tick over, do things at my own pace, keep under the radar for a while. The main thing is that I am more positive this year. I have to look forward. There is no going back..........xx

Last week I said goodbye to a couple of very close friends. They had been with me for nearly 18 months, day in and day out. They were as close to me as you could get. However, they had outgrown their usefulness and I don't need them anymore, so I had to say goodbye. A sad week indeed.........or not, depending on which way you look at it. Saying goodbye to them meant one thing and one thing only. The hormone therapy was doing one of the jobs it is intended to do. 

It may sound rather dramatic, but to me it is a milestone in my transition. Since day one, I had been wearing breast prosthesis - chicken fillets - fake boobs - call them what you will. A comment a few weeks ago from a close friend about my growth in that area plus the fact that my work blouse had been straining at the buttons recently meant that the last increase in Estrogen dosage was finally increasing the size of my bust. I now had enough to fill a push up bra all by myself. I had my own, albeit small, cleavage. 

My body has been changing a lot recently. My shape has changed. Wider around the hips (splitting trousers); more defined cheekbones; slightly fuller lips and a larger bust. It feels like I am finally changing physically into the body I should have had and when I look in the mirror now, I am starting to feel a little better about myself. 

I can look in the mirror now and even without makeup, I look different. I like what I see now. Correction - I love what I see now. I see Danielle. 

The next stage of my transition is also now starting. Speech therapy. My voice can be a giveaway, especially on the phone and it's the one thing I really have trouble with. I am constantly misgendered on the phone and it really bugs me. If I'm tired, it also drops a little and I can't help it. So, after a false start in December, I finally have had my initial assessment. Another day trip to the clinic and someone new to see.

My appointment was with one of the team of speech therapists, but, unfortunately, they were ill. So, I had my appointment with the lead clinician for speech therapy instead. What an insightful person they are. I learnt so much about the voice, how your larynx works and how your voice is affected by many different things. I had to do a few voice exercises and answer a few questions and overall, my voice isn't too bad but it does need work.

The basics are as follows: The voice is measured in Hertz. Low is 70, average male is 80 - 100, average female 160 plus. I was measured at about 130-136 as an average. Not too bad. The plan is to get me to about 156 - 160 over the course of the next year, through one to one and group sessions. I have vocal exercises to do five times a day, everyday. I do feel a bit self conscious when doing them, but I have to do them! 

2018 is ok at the moment. Starting off in a better vein than 2017 ended. Still lots to do, still lots of changes to come. If you hear me making silly noises or repeating the same noise over and over and over and over again, just ignore me. It means I've finally lost it........or I'm doing my vocal exercises. Sometimes, even I can't tell the difference!!

There's been a great deal of press coverage recently about Trans issues; whether it be good, bad or downright ugly, you can't miss it. A lot of it has been derisory, ill-informed, and scare mongering in nature. There have been a few brief glimpses of light in amongst all of this doom and gloom though and for me, Transformation Street on ITV has provided some of it. I can relate to a lot of the issues raised in it. Below I want to explain why transitioning for me wasn't done on a whim.

Now, I am going through my transition on the NHS. I am lucky that I have the opportunity to do this - many people in the world aren't as fortunate. Some things can't be helped with regard to waiting times, which are long due to lack of trained staff, the sheer weight of people being referred and the adherence to internationally recognised treatment standards be leading medical bodies. 

I am currently 16 months into my transition and so far I have had two appointments with my consultant and have started my hormone therapy (9 months). My next consultant appointment is May (almost 11 months after my last) and I haven't even started my speech therapy (next month) or psychotherapy (dates due). As for my facial hair removal, I have the funding (given last April) but as yet, no contact from NHS England to advise on how to go about getting it. Add to that the various Doctors appointments (at least 3 to 4 every 12 weeks) and you can see that it's a very arduous process and you have to be 100% committed. 

Which leads me to my next point. Lots of people think that you wake up one morning and decide that you want to change your gender. Fact - YOU DON'T. For me, the seeds were sown over 25 years ago. That feeling that something wasn't quite right. The feeling that the body you have and the mind inside weren't compatible with each other. Why didn't I do something then? The simple answer - I couldn't. Given the set of circumstances I was living under and the lack of knowledge on the subject, it just wasn't an option.

So what do you do in those circumstances? For me it was closet crossdressing and burying those feelings. Trying to be a 'Man'. Getting girlfriends and getting married. In the very back of my mind, it just didn't feel right. There was always that niggling feeling that all of this wasn't right. It wasn't me. However, you battle on through and try to make the best of everything. Pushing those feelings further and further back, to the point of making sure you don't even see or read anything that could bring those feelings back. 

For me, events happened in my life that, although at the time seemed like the end of the world, have allowed me to explore those feelings again (albeit after a little prompting). Not only have I explored those feelings, I have acted upon them. I made the decision to transition to align my mind with my body. That being 23 years after those first real feelings. Even then, the decision wasn't an easy one to make. It took a event which could have cost me my life to finally make the decision. The risk with regard to my relationships with everyone, my job and my life in general were huge. I had a great deal to lose but ultimately a great deal to gain.

I still have periods of crippling doubt that I can go through all of this. I have lost some relationships; my sibling, to an extent my mum (although contact has now been made) and a few friends. I have also made a few new friends, cemented other relationships and thereby found out who my true friends are. I sometimes feel that I am slipping back towards the old me during those times. Going back to a person I don't want to be. That's when I remind myself what I am doing, where I am going and what I'm striving toward. I remind myself of the suppression of the true me for all those years and how far I've come in a relatively short space of time. 

For me, it's confirmation that this is the true me, when I get comments like this from people I respect immensely: 'You're one of the most female minds I know'; 'Honey when all is said and done you can only be you. Warts, flaws, perfection and all.' I've made it this far in life with everything that has been thrown at me. Last year was the toughest yet. Lots of issues, changes and problems. This year will be tough as well, but hopefully I will have more to show at the end of it. Less aggro, more happy. Either that or more chocolate. 

For the first time in a long time, A more positive post. I realised that I could not go on as I was and after re-reading my last post, I had to make some drastic changes. Life is short and what's the point in wasting what I have left on worrying about the past, my choices, the people who I have and those who have left my life. I have made a huge change in my life to make it better, so why make the journey worse than it has to be?

My life, my thoughts had become a swirling mess of introspection, self doubt, disbelief, pain, suffering and failure. So, what was the point of continuing with everything. A question I asked myself numerous times. On social media, I was bombarded with images of people with happy lives, having fun, with families and loved ones. Other transitioning people who could afford all the facial and body surgery to look fabulous and really pass as their chosen gender. 

My life, to me, was the absolute opposite. Sad, lonely, no one loved me, a hindrance, 
boring, ugly, fat, a fraud, totally pointless. Why did I think I could ever pass as my chosen gender? I could never look like all those other transitioning people. I'm unlovable, annoying and a freak. Hence all the bad posts, the suicidal thoughts, the worthlessness.

Then, a funny thing happened. I remembered what I was doing, why I was doing it and the end goal. To find myself. To find the me buried for all these years. Why was I comparing my life to others. This is my life. I'm the only one who can change things and make things better. I'm never going to be the most popular person, the most interesting, the prettiest, the skinniest, the one everybody looks up to. I'm just a person who tells bad jokes, is good at quizzes, overweight, can just about pass as my chosen gender, can be too serious at times, can't learn to enjoy myself sometimes, likes my own company and has a weakness for chocolate. I'm annoying, infuriating, intensely loyal to my closest friends, able to listen and love dressing up to go out. 

That's me. Love me or hate me, that's who I am. I am learning that I can love myself, my flaws, my successes. I am making changes to myself. Eating better, exercising more, reading more, watching less TV, not comparing myself to others, weaning myself away from social media. Learning to live outside the social media world again. Not giving a thought to what others think of me and thinking about myself and what I think. Selfish? Absolutely. 

Those who know me well will know that I will always be there for them, what ever has been written above. Just be aware that I still have a lot to deal with and my mind will be pre-occupied sometimes. There are a lot of changes still to come, especially this year and they all have to be implemented by me and me alone. Some will be fun and some will be hard. Some will be easy and some will be difficult. 

So there you have it. I'm coming for you 2018. Don't even think of messing with me. I'm doped up on Estrogen and ready to explode....................................................................

I've kind of been feeling sorry for myself recently and most of my recent blog posts have been the 'Woe is me' kind of posts. Quite rightly so, from my point of view. However, I understand that they can be a little boring after a while to everyone else. It got me thinking about where I am in life, my transition and where I am going from here. I have to move forward or I will go insane.

I have had a rough 9 months since starting my hormone therapy. Through a combination of issues, events and my own ever overactive mind, I have become very lonely, sad, angry,
fat(ter), even suicidal at one point. I have even felt that my demeanour has regressed to a past life which also has got to me.  So, instead of moping about stuff and letting even the tiniest little things get to me, I have decided that I need to get back with the plan and change things up. Not just a little, but a lot. 

I have to remember why I am putting myself through all of this in the first place. Why? To be me. The real me. The me hidden for all of those years. I have to remember that I am going through puberty again, with all its angst, issues, highs, lows, loves, hates and physical issues. I am a teenager, disguised as an adult. Doing adult things. I should enjoy all of this as I didn't really have a proper teenage life the first time. I am finding the real me amongst all of this chaos - I now have to blossom into who I want to be.

My physical health has taken as much of a battering as my mental health recently. Comfort eating, combined with water retention and weight gain through the hormone therapy, have made me put on nearly 2 stone since June. I need to lose that weight and a bit more besides. My weakness is mainly chocolate and to some extent, white bread. I need to kick my chocolate fixation, like I did with my crisp fixation. I also need to change the way I eat and what I eat. I am in a rut food wise and my diet needs a radical overhaul.

To aid my mental health, I am getting to grips with my physical health. A clean up of my diet combined with a new exercise regime should hopefully kick start my weight loss. I need to get myself fit for all of the physical and mental changes still to happen and to make sure my body is fit for any surgery that I need. Get those endorphins moving and improve my mood.

One of my other aims is to watch less TV and read more books this year. Like a lot of people, I come in at night and instantly turn on the TV. I end up watching the same old rubbish that is repeated on all 5000 Freeview channels every 4 hours ad infinitum................. So more books, more radio, more music, more using the brain power I have left to improve my life and mental health.

I am not letting things get to me. I have to learn to ignore problem people in my life, problems which I can't do anything about and just let the little things go. My mental wellbeing is my most important task and will be for the foreseeable future. I am going to develop my coping strategies, how I present myself and try to reconnect with some people I have lost touch with. Some are, alas, beyond hope and reasoning.

There you have it. Not just new year, new me malarkey. I need to make changes to get through all of this grief, through puberty, through my own overactive mind, through the inevitable setbacks which will occur, the misgendering, the potential physical and verbal abuse and the torrent of negative press that occurs almost daily at the moment. I've made it this far. How I have, I've no idea!! Just smile and wave, smile and wave........................

The Danielle Forecast

Prepared by the Danielle Department
United Kingdom
At 21.00 Hours GMT on the 8th Jan 2018

This is the Danielle forecast for the next 7 days. 

Overview: 
Danielle is feeling very irritable which is leading to outbursts of short temper, snappy remarks and a period of high blood pressure. The outlook for the next 7 days is moderate, becoming poor at times. Pressure is building in all areas, with no sign of it decreasing rapidly. 

The general synopsis is as follows:
Sociability: Poor, becoming moderate, slowly.
Irritability: High
Temper: Short
Weight: High, decreasing more slowly
Self Esteem: Low
Enthusiasm: Moderate
Urge to eat own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Extremely high
Likelihood of eating own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Moderate, becoming more likely.

Outlook:
The long term outlook is brighter, with sociability looking good towards the end of the month. Irritability should decrease, becoming moderate over the next 3 weeks, with the temper becoming longer as well. Weight will decrease more slowly than usual, due to a period of higher sociability at the end of the month. Self esteem will remain low due to the weight decreasing more slowly although an increase of enthusiasm will push in, raising esteem to moderate.

That concludes the Danielle forecast.