Now here's a thing. This is a blog abut my life and how I'm feeling, coping, suffering. Whether it be to do with work, life outside of work, medical, physical or mental, it is a snapshot of my life at any given time. With this in mind, it's inevitable that some people (i.e. work) will, shall we say, mis-interpret or mis-construe the contents of the blog and speculate and gossip as to the situation and people involved.
Now, as I have issues at work at the moment and I have colleagues from my place of work on a well known social media platform. I have been reminded of my 'responsibilities' with regard to my social media output where my work is involved. Therefore, I have taken the opportunity to assess my social media post accessibility via the aforementioned social media network and restrict the access to my social media output so as not to cause any possible employee/employer conflict or mis-interpretation. Clear?
Basically, someone at work has not understood what my blog is about and what it is designed to do. So, they have, for what ever reason, mis-read my last blog post, gossiped and I have now been advised to watch what I post on my blog. So, they won't now be able to see my posts and take offence. Simple? I hope so. I understand that I have to be careful where work is concerned, which is why I never say who I work for or name people involved. Yes, some people will know whom I work for, but unless I work with them on a daily basis, they won't know the people involved.
I suppose the way to look at it is, when you've been found out, you look for any excuse to try and make it look like someone else's fault. Try and deflect attention. Fine, that's your problem to deal with, not mine. I just want to do my job, earn money and pay my way. If you have issues, your issue. Grow up and deal with them. I am. Rant over.
Thursday, 19 October 2017
Tuesday, 10 October 2017
So, it's been a while. Three months to be exact. A lot has happened in that time. A lot of situations which drove me to an extremely dark place from which I thought I'd never come out of. I had gone as low as I had ever been in my life, even with my new life finally in place. I'm still not out of the woods yet, but I'm along the right path now.
The three months of June, July and August, were three of the worst months of my life. A perfect storm of issues combined to push me into a place I never want to go again. Ever. From losing some, who I thought were close, friends; almost drowning in a river; major issues with work that are still ongoing and the emotional and mental rollercoaster of hormone therapy had thrown me into a downward spiral which was gathering speed daily. Add to that having to hold down a job, run a home and actually function as a normal human being (no laughing at the back) and the fact that I'm still here is, to me, a miracle. In fact, it's a bloody miracle.
The situation with the ex friends is what it is. EX friends. It did play on my mind for a while. Quite along time actually. Looking at the situation now, with plenty of hindsight, I've worked things through in my mind and I have moved on. I've not closed the door, it will always be open.
Then came my second life changing experience. My worst nightmare coming true. A little background to the lead up. I had been asked to join my companies team for a local raft race. Stupidly, I agreed to row for them. We had two rafts entered, two rafts built and two teams of intrepid/stupid (delete as applicable) crew. I was on raft one. The rafts were launched and the crews boarded. No drama as yet, but the raft was a little top heavy. We were making our way to the start line when, through a series of events, the raft capsized. Pivoting on me and a branch manager (who has been very supportive of my transition), leaving us trapped, under the raft, under the water.
One of my worst fears, if not the worst, is being trapped underwater and not being able to breathe. Which is exactly the situation I found myself in. Add to that the caveat that I can't swim and you get the picture. I did have a life jacket on, which was one saving grace. I managed, after what seemed like a lifetime, to get to a gap between the bottom of the raft and the surface of the river. Just enough to get my head into and shout for help. Unbeknown to me at the time, the manager was also trapped underwater, in the same situation as me.
Once out from under the raft and back into daylight - a welcome sight - I looked around for the other members of the crew. I counted all four of them. My fright then turned to the safety of the crew. Someone on a paddleboard had come over to us and was towing us back to the bank. I was holding onto the paddleboard and the raft with the other members of the crew holding on to the raft. The branch manager looked frightened and I was more concerned for his welfare than I was of mine. I had faced my fear and was still alive.
I kept an eye on him and made sure he kept his head above the water and in the end, had to get him to grab the paddleboard as I couldn't hold onto the board and raft anymore. Once we got to the bank and righted the raft, we had to get back on to get anywhere, even if we were going to give up. Once we had all got back on we had to decide if we were going to carry on. One by one, we had to decide. One by one, we said 'carry on'. And carry on we did. We finished the race. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was mentally and physically draining. By the time we reached the end, me and the branch manager were quite, sorry, very emotional. What made it harder for me, was that I had no family waiting for me. All the others did. I did have a colleague from work and his partner there, for which I was very grateful.
This has affected me far more than I thought it would. My worst nightmare had come true and I have had enormous trouble coming to terms with it. I could have died. Second time I have come close in two years. That does some horrible things to your mind. Add that to the friend issue, for which I was still processing at the time.
Then add this into the mix. Work. Issues with. I can't go into many details as it is still ongoing. The only route out that I can see, is to leave the branch. The situation as it stands will not get any better and I have already stated that I don't want to work there anymore. All I can do is go in, work and then go home and try to make the best of it.
All the time this is all happening, I'm trying to get used to the ever increasing amounts of Estrogen in my body, the physical changes that are occurring, the emotional rollercoaster that happens when you go through puberty and the mental merry-go-round of everything. It lead me to a very dark and narrow path. I will mention the word only once. Suicide.
I've said it. Never again. Never do I want to feel that way again. That's how far I'd sunk and how bad I felt. It's taken a lot of effort and reminders as to how far I've come and what I want to achieve to drag me back up the path. Luckily I've spent most of September either on holiday or at another branch - out of the cauldron of work. I also have to thank my friends for just being my friends. Being there. Feeding me. Getting me out of the flat. Listening to me go on and on and on.............
I'm hoping the next three months will be better. They can't get any worse. One thing I forgot to mention; one year living full time. Go me!
The three months of June, July and August, were three of the worst months of my life. A perfect storm of issues combined to push me into a place I never want to go again. Ever. From losing some, who I thought were close, friends; almost drowning in a river; major issues with work that are still ongoing and the emotional and mental rollercoaster of hormone therapy had thrown me into a downward spiral which was gathering speed daily. Add to that having to hold down a job, run a home and actually function as a normal human being (no laughing at the back) and the fact that I'm still here is, to me, a miracle. In fact, it's a bloody miracle.
The situation with the ex friends is what it is. EX friends. It did play on my mind for a while. Quite along time actually. Looking at the situation now, with plenty of hindsight, I've worked things through in my mind and I have moved on. I've not closed the door, it will always be open.
Then came my second life changing experience. My worst nightmare coming true. A little background to the lead up. I had been asked to join my companies team for a local raft race. Stupidly, I agreed to row for them. We had two rafts entered, two rafts built and two teams of intrepid/stupid (delete as applicable) crew. I was on raft one. The rafts were launched and the crews boarded. No drama as yet, but the raft was a little top heavy. We were making our way to the start line when, through a series of events, the raft capsized. Pivoting on me and a branch manager (who has been very supportive of my transition), leaving us trapped, under the raft, under the water.
One of my worst fears, if not the worst, is being trapped underwater and not being able to breathe. Which is exactly the situation I found myself in. Add to that the caveat that I can't swim and you get the picture. I did have a life jacket on, which was one saving grace. I managed, after what seemed like a lifetime, to get to a gap between the bottom of the raft and the surface of the river. Just enough to get my head into and shout for help. Unbeknown to me at the time, the manager was also trapped underwater, in the same situation as me.
Once out from under the raft and back into daylight - a welcome sight - I looked around for the other members of the crew. I counted all four of them. My fright then turned to the safety of the crew. Someone on a paddleboard had come over to us and was towing us back to the bank. I was holding onto the paddleboard and the raft with the other members of the crew holding on to the raft. The branch manager looked frightened and I was more concerned for his welfare than I was of mine. I had faced my fear and was still alive.
I kept an eye on him and made sure he kept his head above the water and in the end, had to get him to grab the paddleboard as I couldn't hold onto the board and raft anymore. Once we got to the bank and righted the raft, we had to get back on to get anywhere, even if we were going to give up. Once we had all got back on we had to decide if we were going to carry on. One by one, we had to decide. One by one, we said 'carry on'. And carry on we did. We finished the race. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was mentally and physically draining. By the time we reached the end, me and the branch manager were quite, sorry, very emotional. What made it harder for me, was that I had no family waiting for me. All the others did. I did have a colleague from work and his partner there, for which I was very grateful.
This has affected me far more than I thought it would. My worst nightmare had come true and I have had enormous trouble coming to terms with it. I could have died. Second time I have come close in two years. That does some horrible things to your mind. Add that to the friend issue, for which I was still processing at the time.
Then add this into the mix. Work. Issues with. I can't go into many details as it is still ongoing. The only route out that I can see, is to leave the branch. The situation as it stands will not get any better and I have already stated that I don't want to work there anymore. All I can do is go in, work and then go home and try to make the best of it.
All the time this is all happening, I'm trying to get used to the ever increasing amounts of Estrogen in my body, the physical changes that are occurring, the emotional rollercoaster that happens when you go through puberty and the mental merry-go-round of everything. It lead me to a very dark and narrow path. I will mention the word only once. Suicide.
I've said it. Never again. Never do I want to feel that way again. That's how far I'd sunk and how bad I felt. It's taken a lot of effort and reminders as to how far I've come and what I want to achieve to drag me back up the path. Luckily I've spent most of September either on holiday or at another branch - out of the cauldron of work. I also have to thank my friends for just being my friends. Being there. Feeding me. Getting me out of the flat. Listening to me go on and on and on.............
I'm hoping the next three months will be better. They can't get any worse. One thing I forgot to mention; one year living full time. Go me!
Wednesday, 5 July 2017
Um, is it possible to feel absolutely nothing? Seriously. Not physically feel nothing, but emotionally? I really have no feelings at all at the moment. I'm completely numb. No anger, happiness, sadness, excitement. Absolutely nothing.
I've felt like this for a few days now. Whether it is a reaction to recent situation, I don't know, but I'm a little concerned that it shows no sign of getting any better. I've a lot going on and plenty of things coming up....and I'm like 'oh, it's that today'. I get up, do what I have to do, go to work, come home, do what I have to do, go to bed. Then do it all again. Even the thought of going out creates zero feelings. Neither ecstasy or agony.
I had become a far more emotional person than I'd ever been before. That'll be the Oestrogen for you. However, since doubling my dosage last week (more of that in another post), I seem to have gone the other way. Far worse than I was before. I still had feelings - I just kept them well hidden. I've no feelings to hide. I'm ambivalent to everything.
I know that my body and mind are adjusting to the new me, but this seems very strange, even to me (and I accept most things). I'm hoping I'll snap out of it sooner rather than later. I know what will happen if I don't; I don't want to go down that road. It's a dark place that I'd thought I'd left behind. Obviously not.
Sunday, 2 July 2017
It's been a few weeks since my last post and boy, has a lot happened in that time! A time of change, personal reflection/introspection and moving on. I have come to realise a few things about friendships and their importance to not just only me, to others around me.
Since my last post, I had a well deserved weeks holiday. A time for catching up with old friends, visiting new places, setting up a new home and generally regrouping after events earlier in the month. It was nice to have a holiday where I could relax, chill and enjoy myself. The weather was fabulous. I even managed to get some sunshine and get a very slight tan! A week without makeup (except some lippy and mascara). A chance for my face to breathe.
It was liberating to go out without a full face of makeup on. The fact that I felt comfortable going out without it was another step out of my comfort zone. So much so, that I'm even going to work without as much on. Yes, there is still a hint of shadow which I can't do much about at the moment, but I don't have a problem with it. I'm confident in how I look when I go out; being confident is a big part of making sure that I am not afraid to leave my comfort zone and try something new. I'm always changing and adapting.
Change has been a big thing for me recently. From moving home to finding myself again and a lot in between. Moving home has been a way for me to get to know myself again. My own space. Being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want. Having clean cutlery and crockery; a clean bathroom and kitchen; no struggling with a broadband connection with 2 Xboxes running at the same time. A good place to come home to at the end of the day. My own sanctuary. So far, I'm loving it.
I have also been able to find myself again. I had become too fixated on becoming someone else and forgetting the essence of who I actually am and who I will develop into. Too busy trying to emulate others and losing my own identity. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I am me. I have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings. I vowed that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me how I should think and feel. That resolve has become stronger recently. I won't go into details - the situation is in the past and I've dealt with it.
I've had a lot of time to think about the relationships that I have with my friends. My friends come in all ages and walks of life. They have all contributed in their way to my life. Some more than others but that is because I see them more than others. I value my friendships; I like to think that I am loyal to my good friends and I would never do anything intentionally to harm or hurt them. If I do, please tell me. I'd rather try and work things out and try to work out why I did what I did - I probably didn't realise that I was doing it.
I always try to look at things from all points of view so I can see how I might have affected a situation or relationship. Unfortunately not everyone seems to and I have to get used to that. I have lost two friends recently - my own fault - but the situation since has allowed me to move on and look at my life as a whole. It's a time to reconnect with others and re establish my own identity. Life goes on. People move on. I'm still here.
Since my last post, I had a well deserved weeks holiday. A time for catching up with old friends, visiting new places, setting up a new home and generally regrouping after events earlier in the month. It was nice to have a holiday where I could relax, chill and enjoy myself. The weather was fabulous. I even managed to get some sunshine and get a very slight tan! A week without makeup (except some lippy and mascara). A chance for my face to breathe.
It was liberating to go out without a full face of makeup on. The fact that I felt comfortable going out without it was another step out of my comfort zone. So much so, that I'm even going to work without as much on. Yes, there is still a hint of shadow which I can't do much about at the moment, but I don't have a problem with it. I'm confident in how I look when I go out; being confident is a big part of making sure that I am not afraid to leave my comfort zone and try something new. I'm always changing and adapting.
Change has been a big thing for me recently. From moving home to finding myself again and a lot in between. Moving home has been a way for me to get to know myself again. My own space. Being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want. Having clean cutlery and crockery; a clean bathroom and kitchen; no struggling with a broadband connection with 2 Xboxes running at the same time. A good place to come home to at the end of the day. My own sanctuary. So far, I'm loving it.
I have also been able to find myself again. I had become too fixated on becoming someone else and forgetting the essence of who I actually am and who I will develop into. Too busy trying to emulate others and losing my own identity. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I am me. I have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings. I vowed that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me how I should think and feel. That resolve has become stronger recently. I won't go into details - the situation is in the past and I've dealt with it.
I've had a lot of time to think about the relationships that I have with my friends. My friends come in all ages and walks of life. They have all contributed in their way to my life. Some more than others but that is because I see them more than others. I value my friendships; I like to think that I am loyal to my good friends and I would never do anything intentionally to harm or hurt them. If I do, please tell me. I'd rather try and work things out and try to work out why I did what I did - I probably didn't realise that I was doing it.
I always try to look at things from all points of view so I can see how I might have affected a situation or relationship. Unfortunately not everyone seems to and I have to get used to that. I have lost two friends recently - my own fault - but the situation since has allowed me to move on and look at my life as a whole. It's a time to reconnect with others and re establish my own identity. Life goes on. People move on. I'm still here.
Monday, 19 June 2017
Life is precious
This is just an observational post. Just something to think about. Something that has focused my mind over the past week.
Last week was a week for reflection and introspection for me. Taking stock of things that have happened in my life and in the general world. I have had and still have issues. However, given the events of last week elsewhere, I know how lucky I am. I can still get up in the morning, go to work and come home again.
Some people don't have homes to go to. Some people have lost not just possessions, but friends and family. They are the people who have lost so much. It makes some of my issues and problems seem petty. I am so lucky. It could all go in an instant. You have one life to lead. Make every day count.
I have regrets in my life. I try not to dwell on them anymore otherwise I'm just wasting my life worrying about them. I'm not perfect, never will be. I just have to remember how lucky I am. As we all should.
Friday, 9 June 2017
Puberty. A world of wonder. Especially if you have number of years of life experience behind you.
I am emotionally a 13 year old girl with the logic of a 40 year old. A difficult balancing act with which I am currently struggling with. Add holding down a full time job, moving home and general adulting and you get someone who is in danger of falling apart completely. Which was me last week and early this week.
I was on the verge of completely breaking down. I couldn't cope. I may seem ok, in control or there is nothing wrong, but I was seconds away from total meltdown. I needed help. I needed support. I didn't realise it until I actually stopped on Saturday evening last week. It hit me like a brick.
I last felt like this about 4 years ago. I couldn't cope with everything going on in my life and I actually broke. I couldn't take it anymore. It took me at least two years to get back to an even keel and move forward. Lately, with the hormone effects and other issues and helping others, I've lost a huge chunk of the emotional stability and independence I had.
I am changing as a person, evolving, growing. I realise that people have to get used to the changes in me and that I will get things wrong and make mistakes. I have to be patient with people whilst they are getting used to the new me. On the flip side, people have to realise that I need support, advice and to tell me where I'm going wrong, being a teenager or doing something right. I realise that people have their own lives to lead and that I do have to cope with things on my own. However, even though I have the logic within me to know that I am being a pubescent girl, the pubescent girl takes over and logic doesn't get a look in.
I have made mistakes. I know that. I'm sorry. I will make more. I'm sorry for those too. I'm not perfect. I still have to adult. I can't just storm off into my room and strop, sulk and hide away. I still have to cook, clean, wash up, iron, work full time whilst going through a complete change in my physical and mental outlook. Puberty. At 40.
Just remember, I may seem ok. I may only just be holding it together. The ODM had years of experience in looking and acting ok, when all they wanted was someone to give them a hug and say:' You're not ok, talk to me. I'm listening.' I need that. More than ever before.
Monday, 5 June 2017
The curse of an over active mind. I'm laying in bed, trying to get to sleep. I should be out for the count, given the amount of both physical and mental work I have done this weekend. I've spent the weekend moving into my new flat. I started at 6 am on Saturday morning, finishing at 11.30 pm and was up again at 8 am today and other than a couple of hours in a car to Ikea, finished at 9.30 pm this evening.
I have got most of the basics sorted; bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and I can now sit on my sofa and watch the tv or listen to the radio in my living room. I still need day some furniture for the living room to finally sort it out fully. I have been a busy bee, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
People who know me and have read my blog, know that last week wasn't a good week overall. I created some issues, which in hindsight, were non issues but the after effects are still playing on my mind. I don't want to blame the hormones, but, after a talk with someone who has been a massive help for a few years now, they are in a way a cause of my initial issues.
I am basically a pubescent girl. So, a hormonal teenager. Throw into the mix a complete change in body chemistry which has changed my thought process, has made me so much more emotional and hopefully empathetic; moving home; work issues; lack of sleep and not eating properly aren't doing me any favours.
I am exhibiting a few traits of being a girl going through puberty. One being jealousy. Seeing people doing things without you that you feel you should have been invited to. I'm not going to lie, being single does make a difference to my social life. Almost all of my social group are couples. These couples socialise with other couples. Fact. It happened to the ODM when they became newly single. Most of the couples slowly faded away as a social group. Luckily, someone took the ODM under their wing and gave them the confidence to be more social.
This time though, the added complication of puberty, seeing other people in relationships and wanting one of your own as you are lonely and actually being single aren't a good combination. This is, I think, the basis for my issues this time and the effects of that issue are seriously affecting me now. The overriding issue keeping me awake is the fear that I have done major damage to two relationships with people who I look up to. I may be totally wrong or I may be totally right. I just don't know. So, my mind decides that it will go through every possible scenario it can create, good but mostly bad and play on my fears.
I have a more subjective view now of the events that happened and in my conscious state can reason them. My subconscious takes over as soon as my head hits the pillow and there is no reasoning with it. I'm hoping that by writing this post that it will help clear my mind a little and help me sleep. I don't want to feel this way again. It's horrible and it makes me feel horrible that I may have upset some fabulous friends. If I have upset them, I hope they can forgive me and we can move on. We only live once - I don't want to lose good friends. They can be hard to find and having those on my journey will make it so much easier. xx
I have got most of the basics sorted; bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and I can now sit on my sofa and watch the tv or listen to the radio in my living room. I still need day some furniture for the living room to finally sort it out fully. I have been a busy bee, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
People who know me and have read my blog, know that last week wasn't a good week overall. I created some issues, which in hindsight, were non issues but the after effects are still playing on my mind. I don't want to blame the hormones, but, after a talk with someone who has been a massive help for a few years now, they are in a way a cause of my initial issues.
I am basically a pubescent girl. So, a hormonal teenager. Throw into the mix a complete change in body chemistry which has changed my thought process, has made me so much more emotional and hopefully empathetic; moving home; work issues; lack of sleep and not eating properly aren't doing me any favours.
I am exhibiting a few traits of being a girl going through puberty. One being jealousy. Seeing people doing things without you that you feel you should have been invited to. I'm not going to lie, being single does make a difference to my social life. Almost all of my social group are couples. These couples socialise with other couples. Fact. It happened to the ODM when they became newly single. Most of the couples slowly faded away as a social group. Luckily, someone took the ODM under their wing and gave them the confidence to be more social.
This time though, the added complication of puberty, seeing other people in relationships and wanting one of your own as you are lonely and actually being single aren't a good combination. This is, I think, the basis for my issues this time and the effects of that issue are seriously affecting me now. The overriding issue keeping me awake is the fear that I have done major damage to two relationships with people who I look up to. I may be totally wrong or I may be totally right. I just don't know. So, my mind decides that it will go through every possible scenario it can create, good but mostly bad and play on my fears.
I have a more subjective view now of the events that happened and in my conscious state can reason them. My subconscious takes over as soon as my head hits the pillow and there is no reasoning with it. I'm hoping that by writing this post that it will help clear my mind a little and help me sleep. I don't want to feel this way again. It's horrible and it makes me feel horrible that I may have upset some fabulous friends. If I have upset them, I hope they can forgive me and we can move on. We only live once - I don't want to lose good friends. They can be hard to find and having those on my journey will make it so much easier. xx
Wednesday, 31 May 2017
Doubt. Major doubt. I can't do this. It's too difficult. Why did I ever think I could? This is the first time in 18 months that I've felt this way. I'm still feeling like it now. I don't like it. I don't know what to do. I need to do something. I've waited too long to get to this point and need to get back to where I was.
It's been a difficult week so far. I've been a bad friend. I'm slipping back into bad habits and need to stop and think. I can't change what's happened, but I can learn from my mistakes. I need to find some of the ODM. The quiet and independent me. Not worrying about what other people are doing. As someone, quite rightly pointed out, people all have their own lives to lead and their own issues.
I need to deal with this on my own. Only I can. Only I will. Back to basics. I can't cause any trouble if I stay out of the way. I've got this far in life on my own so hopefully I will get through this. It's going to even harder than anything I've done before as I have so much to lose if I can't. Thee ODM self destruct button has struck again.
I don't think the lack of sleep is helping things either. Averaging about 4 hours broken sleep if I'm lucky. I'm on holiday the week after next. Time to really put any changes into action.
It's been a difficult week so far. I've been a bad friend. I'm slipping back into bad habits and need to stop and think. I can't change what's happened, but I can learn from my mistakes. I need to find some of the ODM. The quiet and independent me. Not worrying about what other people are doing. As someone, quite rightly pointed out, people all have their own lives to lead and their own issues.
I need to deal with this on my own. Only I can. Only I will. Back to basics. I can't cause any trouble if I stay out of the way. I've got this far in life on my own so hopefully I will get through this. It's going to even harder than anything I've done before as I have so much to lose if I can't. Thee ODM self destruct button has struck again.
I don't think the lack of sleep is helping things either. Averaging about 4 hours broken sleep if I'm lucky. I'm on holiday the week after next. Time to really put any changes into action.
Friday, 26 May 2017
I'll start by saying that this post will not go into any detail of my date, however, I hope it will give you an idea as to how I'm feeling now I have finally been on one.
Dating as a transgender female is even more daunting than I ever imagined. I joined a couple of dating sites a few months ago; one LGBT and one mainstream. Profiles were identical, pictures as well. I said I was transgender from the very beginning and was pre-op. Was I prepared for the onslaught that was awaiting me - no. In a nutshell, this is what I encountered: Dick pics galore, threesomes, lonely American soldiers in west Africa, ticking a transgender off of their list, a one night stand and me wanting to 'do' them. I'm trying to get rid of the damn thing, not use it more!
I have so much respect for how much crap females have to put with on dating sites. I've heard many horror stories, but until you experience it for yourself, you can't possibly imagine how bad it is. I had to delete my profiles eventually as there was nobody serious or willing to take me on as I am. I was dejected and resigned to being single for a long time yet.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I got a message asking me on a date. A bit of background to put things in order. Last year, this same person messaged me out of the blue asking for a date. They were a friend of a friend of a friend. They were at a quiz I went to with a couple of friends and via my friends, they found me via Facebook. You can guess the rest. We chatted a bit and eventually agreed to meet up.
The day came for the date. I was looking forward to it. My first date as me! I started to get myself ready and.........they cancelled on me. 4 hours before. If you read the last post, you know how disappointed I was. It was a rejection. I knew it might happen, but I didn't realise how much it would affect me. My confidence took a hit and my initial reaction was that they'd got cold feet as I am transgender. I did let them know how I felt and did vow never to go on a date with them.
Fast forward a few months. The last post explained the situation behind me going for a date. I was expecting the date to be called off again, so that I wasn't disappointed if it was. I got ready, picked out my outfit, WhatsApp'ed my friends to get their opinion and waited for the cancellation message. It never came. With the time ticking by, I had to get going. A short bus ride and I'd be there.
I arrived at the venue first. That means that I'll have to buy my own drink. D'oh! I looked at the cocktail menu (dutch courage) and picked out a mojito. Hmmm....a lovely mojito. I got my drink, sat down and waited. And waited. And eventually, they turned up. Thy didn't recognise me at first as I have dark blue hair now (not my natural mousey colour) so a bit of frantic arm waving was needed!
(This next paragraph is classified information as it contains private information).
Before we knew it, three hours had flown by and it was time for us to both go home to our respective beds (we both had to get up at 5am). They escorted me to the bus stop and waited with me until the bus came. We had a little cuddle and a peck on the cheek and I boarded the bus back home. When I got back, there was a message saying I looked beautiful and asking for a second date.
My confidence took a shot in the arm. It went better than I expected. The conversation flowed, I felt at ease, not only with them but with myself. It has given me more optimism when it comes to dating and how I present myself. The fact that I made small talk for three hours is a miracle in itself! It was all positive and I feel better for going as it is out of my comfort zone and I need to push myself out of my comfort zone sometimes. Friends, take note!
A second date is currently being arranged. Just settling on a date. Not next week as I'm moving home. My own flat. I can't wait!!
Dating as a transgender female is even more daunting than I ever imagined. I joined a couple of dating sites a few months ago; one LGBT and one mainstream. Profiles were identical, pictures as well. I said I was transgender from the very beginning and was pre-op. Was I prepared for the onslaught that was awaiting me - no. In a nutshell, this is what I encountered: Dick pics galore, threesomes, lonely American soldiers in west Africa, ticking a transgender off of their list, a one night stand and me wanting to 'do' them. I'm trying to get rid of the damn thing, not use it more!
I have so much respect for how much crap females have to put with on dating sites. I've heard many horror stories, but until you experience it for yourself, you can't possibly imagine how bad it is. I had to delete my profiles eventually as there was nobody serious or willing to take me on as I am. I was dejected and resigned to being single for a long time yet.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I got a message asking me on a date. A bit of background to put things in order. Last year, this same person messaged me out of the blue asking for a date. They were a friend of a friend of a friend. They were at a quiz I went to with a couple of friends and via my friends, they found me via Facebook. You can guess the rest. We chatted a bit and eventually agreed to meet up.
The day came for the date. I was looking forward to it. My first date as me! I started to get myself ready and.........they cancelled on me. 4 hours before. If you read the last post, you know how disappointed I was. It was a rejection. I knew it might happen, but I didn't realise how much it would affect me. My confidence took a hit and my initial reaction was that they'd got cold feet as I am transgender. I did let them know how I felt and did vow never to go on a date with them.
Fast forward a few months. The last post explained the situation behind me going for a date. I was expecting the date to be called off again, so that I wasn't disappointed if it was. I got ready, picked out my outfit, WhatsApp'ed my friends to get their opinion and waited for the cancellation message. It never came. With the time ticking by, I had to get going. A short bus ride and I'd be there.
I arrived at the venue first. That means that I'll have to buy my own drink. D'oh! I looked at the cocktail menu (dutch courage) and picked out a mojito. Hmmm....a lovely mojito. I got my drink, sat down and waited. And waited. And eventually, they turned up. Thy didn't recognise me at first as I have dark blue hair now (not my natural mousey colour) so a bit of frantic arm waving was needed!
(This next paragraph is classified information as it contains private information).
Before we knew it, three hours had flown by and it was time for us to both go home to our respective beds (we both had to get up at 5am). They escorted me to the bus stop and waited with me until the bus came. We had a little cuddle and a peck on the cheek and I boarded the bus back home. When I got back, there was a message saying I looked beautiful and asking for a second date.
My confidence took a shot in the arm. It went better than I expected. The conversation flowed, I felt at ease, not only with them but with myself. It has given me more optimism when it comes to dating and how I present myself. The fact that I made small talk for three hours is a miracle in itself! It was all positive and I feel better for going as it is out of my comfort zone and I need to push myself out of my comfort zone sometimes. Friends, take note!
A second date is currently being arranged. Just settling on a date. Not next week as I'm moving home. My own flat. I can't wait!!
Monday, 22 May 2017
A few little morsels of my life for you, served with (hopefully) humour on a Liquid Crystal Display near you. You've had a long enough break, so time to get going again.
I have a date tomorrow night. Yes, me. A date. Now, I can't really say a lot, as my date reads this blog. So, all I will give you tonight is how I am feeling ahead of the date. Initially, I wasn't nervous. However, as the day has gotten closer, my nerves are kicking in. You have to bear in mind that I haven't dated before. A complete novice. Even the old, dead me, last dated in 2000. A lot has changed since then. Especially me.
Not that the old, dead me(ODM) dated much anyway. Far too shy, believe it or not. One of you out there will remember the old dead shy me, pre 2000 dating. It scared the crap out of the ODM. Never felt comfortable. Too nervous and painfully shy. To be honest, I still am a little shy, I just manage to hide it.
I have met my date before. We were due to go on a date last year, but due to 'circumstances', it didn't happen. I was disappointed as I was looking forward to experiencing my first date as me. I did, in no uncertain terms, convey my disappointment over the circumstances and did vow never to go on a date with this person again.
You only live once. One chance. One life. When the message came though recently asking if I wanted to go on a date, my initial reaction was NO! I sought advice from my one of my mentors, who basically said 'why not? What have you got to lose?' So, I said yes. They just have to be aware that, if they bail again, they won't be so lucky. No pressure there then......
To be serious for a minute, the past is the past and I am willing to give them another chance. Life is short and I'm willing to try again. We have spoken about what has happened and I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. I can't guarantee I won't make any sarcastic remarks though - that's just my nature!!
Will I blog about the date? I'm unsure. I may go over my feelings about it and my general experience as it would be unfair on my date to go into any detail.
A comment made over dinner this evening combined with a chat whilst on a lovely walk, has confirmed that the hormones are making a physical difference. The problem is, that I see my face every day, so I don't really see the changes.(I do apologise to the mirror for having to look at my face, it's only right.) It's only when people tell me that I look different and that they can't remember how the ODM looked, plus the comment 'Do you use moisturiser?' even after a 5 mile walk, is very encouraging to hear.
I am feeling different, thinking differently, acting differently. Why the hell didn't I do this sooner? Life got in the way. That's why. People got in the way. Got rid of them. Situations arose. Dealt with them. Brain got in the way. Talked to it and told it what for. Now I am surrounded by people who care, a brain that is finally in tune with what my heart wants and a life going in the right direction. How I got to this point in my life without completely losing it, is a mystery to me......
I have a date tomorrow night. Yes, me. A date. Now, I can't really say a lot, as my date reads this blog. So, all I will give you tonight is how I am feeling ahead of the date. Initially, I wasn't nervous. However, as the day has gotten closer, my nerves are kicking in. You have to bear in mind that I haven't dated before. A complete novice. Even the old, dead me, last dated in 2000. A lot has changed since then. Especially me.
Not that the old, dead me(ODM) dated much anyway. Far too shy, believe it or not. One of you out there will remember the old dead shy me, pre 2000 dating. It scared the crap out of the ODM. Never felt comfortable. Too nervous and painfully shy. To be honest, I still am a little shy, I just manage to hide it.
I have met my date before. We were due to go on a date last year, but due to 'circumstances', it didn't happen. I was disappointed as I was looking forward to experiencing my first date as me. I did, in no uncertain terms, convey my disappointment over the circumstances and did vow never to go on a date with this person again.
You only live once. One chance. One life. When the message came though recently asking if I wanted to go on a date, my initial reaction was NO! I sought advice from my one of my mentors, who basically said 'why not? What have you got to lose?' So, I said yes. They just have to be aware that, if they bail again, they won't be so lucky. No pressure there then......
To be serious for a minute, the past is the past and I am willing to give them another chance. Life is short and I'm willing to try again. We have spoken about what has happened and I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. I can't guarantee I won't make any sarcastic remarks though - that's just my nature!!
Will I blog about the date? I'm unsure. I may go over my feelings about it and my general experience as it would be unfair on my date to go into any detail.
A comment made over dinner this evening combined with a chat whilst on a lovely walk, has confirmed that the hormones are making a physical difference. The problem is, that I see my face every day, so I don't really see the changes.(I do apologise to the mirror for having to look at my face, it's only right.) It's only when people tell me that I look different and that they can't remember how the ODM looked, plus the comment 'Do you use moisturiser?' even after a 5 mile walk, is very encouraging to hear.
I am feeling different, thinking differently, acting differently. Why the hell didn't I do this sooner? Life got in the way. That's why. People got in the way. Got rid of them. Situations arose. Dealt with them. Brain got in the way. Talked to it and told it what for. Now I am surrounded by people who care, a brain that is finally in tune with what my heart wants and a life going in the right direction. How I got to this point in my life without completely losing it, is a mystery to me......
Saturday, 13 May 2017
Just one more, I promise, then I'll leave you all alone for a while. I wanted to put a little post outlining my feelings on my transition, my role models and what is happening in the near future.
My transition is something I waited a long time to put into motion. Lots of agonising and talking. I then had to wait a year to see a consultant and then six months to start my hormone therapy. I am now six weeks into my therapy and I am getting used to the new me, albeit slowly. I feel so much better than I did in my old, dead life. I feel different emotionally and mentally. I am starting to look different physically.
The difference in my body's chemical makeup is a weird feeling. After having certain chemicals running through my body for 30 years, you get used to them and their actions. Suddenly having that subdued and a new major chemical taking over is a complete shock to the system. Not in a bad way for me, but strange nevertheless. My thought processes are a little different and to me, my whole demeanour is better aligned with my true gender.
One thing that I am feeling is that I am becoming a little needy and I am trying too hard to be included. I don't want to be that person and I am thinking that I need to have a look at myself and how I am with my friends. It could be down to wanting to feel needed and wanting to be important and I have to remember that people do have other friends besides me. I have to find some of the quieter, can be alone person again, otherwise I may push the people I need away.
Being relatively new to all of this, I need people to look up to, people who I can learn from and people who will help me and show me where I might be going wrong. Role models. There are two people who are my main role models; people who inspire me with their life stories and experience. I look up to these people who even though they have had rough times and have their own issues now, are still able to carry on with their lives and everything life throws at them. I have so much respect for them and I have learnt so much from them. I just wish I'd known them longer than I have.
I do have other people who I will always be eternally grateful to and wouldn't be at this point now without them. They have helped me in many ways, whether it be encouragement, making me go out, feeding me, listening to me or making me drink alcohol. Lots of alcohol! They will always be dear to me and all of these people are close enough for me to call my family. In the absence of my own, immediate family, these are the people I turn to for support and guidance. I have to say that I am in contact with two of my cousins and an Auntie, so not all of my maternal family contact has been lost. This is important to me. More than they realise.
So, to the future. What's happening soon? Firstly, I have been given funding for facial hair removal. I am awaiting a letter from NHS England to tell we where I can go to have the treatment. Secondly, I will be having my three month Hormone Therapy review next month and if all goes well, they may up my oestrogen dose. Finally, I have my second 'assessment' at the Clinic. As I have my hormone therapy already, I'm interested to see what this assessment will cover. I'll have to wait and see, won't I!
Even after all the drama with the hormones, my emotions and my mental exhaustion, I am very happy with the way it is all going and hopefully it will continue in this way. Fingers crossed. xx
My transition is something I waited a long time to put into motion. Lots of agonising and talking. I then had to wait a year to see a consultant and then six months to start my hormone therapy. I am now six weeks into my therapy and I am getting used to the new me, albeit slowly. I feel so much better than I did in my old, dead life. I feel different emotionally and mentally. I am starting to look different physically.
The difference in my body's chemical makeup is a weird feeling. After having certain chemicals running through my body for 30 years, you get used to them and their actions. Suddenly having that subdued and a new major chemical taking over is a complete shock to the system. Not in a bad way for me, but strange nevertheless. My thought processes are a little different and to me, my whole demeanour is better aligned with my true gender.
One thing that I am feeling is that I am becoming a little needy and I am trying too hard to be included. I don't want to be that person and I am thinking that I need to have a look at myself and how I am with my friends. It could be down to wanting to feel needed and wanting to be important and I have to remember that people do have other friends besides me. I have to find some of the quieter, can be alone person again, otherwise I may push the people I need away.
Being relatively new to all of this, I need people to look up to, people who I can learn from and people who will help me and show me where I might be going wrong. Role models. There are two people who are my main role models; people who inspire me with their life stories and experience. I look up to these people who even though they have had rough times and have their own issues now, are still able to carry on with their lives and everything life throws at them. I have so much respect for them and I have learnt so much from them. I just wish I'd known them longer than I have.
I do have other people who I will always be eternally grateful to and wouldn't be at this point now without them. They have helped me in many ways, whether it be encouragement, making me go out, feeding me, listening to me or making me drink alcohol. Lots of alcohol! They will always be dear to me and all of these people are close enough for me to call my family. In the absence of my own, immediate family, these are the people I turn to for support and guidance. I have to say that I am in contact with two of my cousins and an Auntie, so not all of my maternal family contact has been lost. This is important to me. More than they realise.
So, to the future. What's happening soon? Firstly, I have been given funding for facial hair removal. I am awaiting a letter from NHS England to tell we where I can go to have the treatment. Secondly, I will be having my three month Hormone Therapy review next month and if all goes well, they may up my oestrogen dose. Finally, I have my second 'assessment' at the Clinic. As I have my hormone therapy already, I'm interested to see what this assessment will cover. I'll have to wait and see, won't I!
Even after all the drama with the hormones, my emotions and my mental exhaustion, I am very happy with the way it is all going and hopefully it will continue in this way. Fingers crossed. xx
Thursday, 11 May 2017
I won't bore you for much longer, honest, but I still have something that I want to write about following on from the last post. This week has made me think about what I need to do to make sure that I am strong enough, both mentally and emotionally, to navigate my way through my own issues and life.
I will always be there for my friends - yes, even those who are struggling but don't ask for help - as that is the kind of person I am. However, I can't let happen again, the culmination of situations that lead to my almost implosion last week. April drained me emotionally and mentally, meaning that I had nothing left for me when I needed it most.
My body is going through all sorts of physical and hormonal changes of which I am still getting to grips with. I need to be strong to be able to deal with the effects now and in the future. Basically, I have to look after myself and put myself first. Become more selfish. Say 'no' more. I have no idea what is going to happen, so I need to be ready for whatever comes my way. Mental health is a big issue in the transgender community, on top of everything else.
Please bear with me if I say no to going out more often or pass on things. I'm not going into complete hibernation or anything, but I need to regroup and refresh; recharge the emotional batteries. On the whole, I always have been mentally strong as I have had to be. I'm proud of the fact that I can usually pull myself out of my low periods, but each low eats into my reserves and currently, they are virtually empty. If a cycle is emerging, due to the hormone therapy, I have two weeks in which to replenish some of my reserves for the next low.
I always have to keep sight of the reason why I am going through all this. Being me. Being the true me. The positives will far outweigh the negatives - I just have to get through the negatives to realise my dream. My positives so far are: Hair growth being less coarse and slower; skin becoming softer; growth in the right places and generally feeling happier in my own skin. Looking in the mirror and seeing Danielle, seeing my true gender looking back at me and not the cold, dead, old me.
There is no way I would ever go back. However hard it may get, however rocky the road, this is me now. This is my happy. This is my life.
I will always be there for my friends - yes, even those who are struggling but don't ask for help - as that is the kind of person I am. However, I can't let happen again, the culmination of situations that lead to my almost implosion last week. April drained me emotionally and mentally, meaning that I had nothing left for me when I needed it most.
My body is going through all sorts of physical and hormonal changes of which I am still getting to grips with. I need to be strong to be able to deal with the effects now and in the future. Basically, I have to look after myself and put myself first. Become more selfish. Say 'no' more. I have no idea what is going to happen, so I need to be ready for whatever comes my way. Mental health is a big issue in the transgender community, on top of everything else.
Please bear with me if I say no to going out more often or pass on things. I'm not going into complete hibernation or anything, but I need to regroup and refresh; recharge the emotional batteries. On the whole, I always have been mentally strong as I have had to be. I'm proud of the fact that I can usually pull myself out of my low periods, but each low eats into my reserves and currently, they are virtually empty. If a cycle is emerging, due to the hormone therapy, I have two weeks in which to replenish some of my reserves for the next low.
I always have to keep sight of the reason why I am going through all this. Being me. Being the true me. The positives will far outweigh the negatives - I just have to get through the negatives to realise my dream. My positives so far are: Hair growth being less coarse and slower; skin becoming softer; growth in the right places and generally feeling happier in my own skin. Looking in the mirror and seeing Danielle, seeing my true gender looking back at me and not the cold, dead, old me.
There is no way I would ever go back. However hard it may get, however rocky the road, this is me now. This is my happy. This is my life.
Monday, 8 May 2017
Hormones. Gotta love 'em! Well, most of the time. They will be a major factor in my transition and am I feeling their effects already! I shall explain how, what, where and why............
I have finally started my hormone therapy. Even though I was approved last December, my GP wouldn't prescribe until my consultant had applied for shared care with my local Clinical commissioning group. This was finally done in mid March.
I had a phone call from my GP to tell me I had three prescriptions waiting for me to collect. Things were finally going to happen. This is me finally starting the true physical transformation to the real me. To say I was elated is probably an understatement. I was excited, nervous, hopeful.....did I say excited? I couldn't wait to collect the prescriptions and start the process.
I couldn't start straight away as one of the elements had to be ordered - the testosterone suppressant injection. It only took two days, but, this combined with a weekend, left me on tenderhooks. That was my main focus all weekend. That's all I thought about. On the Monday after work, I rushed down to the chemist to pick up my future.
The was passed to me. Inside was what I'd been waiting for since September - the injection, my Oestrogen tablets and a tablet to take for two weeks to suppress the initial effects of the injection. (It can cause the body to produce more testosterone at first). I had to go to the Practice nurse at my GP to have the injection. That's when the nerves kicked in. My life is going to change forever. This is it. This was everything had been striving towards so far.
So, after exposing by left buttock, the needle was positioned and the injection given. It is supposed to last three months. All nervousness disappeared. It had started. I was finally on my way. I started the tablets the next day. 2mg of Oestrogen every day for three months, the other tablet for the next two weeks. This is all reviewed after three months, when hopefully my Oestrogen will be doubled and I have another injection.
So, Hormones. Life's biological chemistry. It's been a, well, interesting 5 weeks so far. The first few days were ok......then the first of the changes started. Mood swings, feeling alone, just wanting to curl up and cry, aching. A week of feeling like this. Yeah. It wasn't good. After 30 years of getting used to a certain hormone balance, they were all over the place. I thought that there would be effects, but not so quickly.
I have to say, to all my natural born female friends that I am in complete awe of you all. I never fully comprehended what an effect hormones could have and never fully will, but even just having this glimpse has given me a massive wake up call and understanding into what you go through.
Basically, I have started puberty for the second time. Hormones all over the place, mood swings, things growing, things shrinking, my body changing shape. Throw in the hot flushes and holding down a full time job and you get a very interesting few weeks. In the three weeks after the initial symptoms, there were no issues. I thought everything had levelled out. Then came week 5. Week 5. Probably a week to forget.
Hormones. Extreme mood swings. Extreme feeling of loneliness. Blowing everything out of all proportion. Just wanting to curl up in a duvet and eat my own body weight in chocolate.......sound familiar? That combined with the job, trying to find somewhere to live, and thinking that I'd upset someone who'd become a good friend was an awful combination.
I had also been helping other people over the prior few weeks with their problems - of which I wouldn't change as that's the type of person I am and that had left me emotionally drained. You see, I don't have a significant other to go home to or family that are close at hand to go to. I am, on a daily basis, alone with my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I do have awesome friends but most of the ones who I see the most are the ones I'd been helping through their problems. Hence the feeling of extreme loneliness. I had no one to turn to.
Putting all this together created a perfect storm. The immense feeling of isolation did nearly send me over the edge. All I wanted was a cuddle, someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. I'm holding back the tears now, just writing this. Hormones. I still want a cuddle - I may burst into tears if I get one.
This week has been better so far. I have seen my friend and sorted things out which has made me a lot happier, I have (hopefully) found somewhere to live, the mood swings are lessening and I had a good weekend in good company. I know that in three weeks that I will go through it all again. I wouldn't change it for the world. This is my world now.
I have finally started my hormone therapy. Even though I was approved last December, my GP wouldn't prescribe until my consultant had applied for shared care with my local Clinical commissioning group. This was finally done in mid March.
I had a phone call from my GP to tell me I had three prescriptions waiting for me to collect. Things were finally going to happen. This is me finally starting the true physical transformation to the real me. To say I was elated is probably an understatement. I was excited, nervous, hopeful.....did I say excited? I couldn't wait to collect the prescriptions and start the process.
I couldn't start straight away as one of the elements had to be ordered - the testosterone suppressant injection. It only took two days, but, this combined with a weekend, left me on tenderhooks. That was my main focus all weekend. That's all I thought about. On the Monday after work, I rushed down to the chemist to pick up my future.
The was passed to me. Inside was what I'd been waiting for since September - the injection, my Oestrogen tablets and a tablet to take for two weeks to suppress the initial effects of the injection. (It can cause the body to produce more testosterone at first). I had to go to the Practice nurse at my GP to have the injection. That's when the nerves kicked in. My life is going to change forever. This is it. This was everything had been striving towards so far.
So, after exposing by left buttock, the needle was positioned and the injection given. It is supposed to last three months. All nervousness disappeared. It had started. I was finally on my way. I started the tablets the next day. 2mg of Oestrogen every day for three months, the other tablet for the next two weeks. This is all reviewed after three months, when hopefully my Oestrogen will be doubled and I have another injection.
So, Hormones. Life's biological chemistry. It's been a, well, interesting 5 weeks so far. The first few days were ok......then the first of the changes started. Mood swings, feeling alone, just wanting to curl up and cry, aching. A week of feeling like this. Yeah. It wasn't good. After 30 years of getting used to a certain hormone balance, they were all over the place. I thought that there would be effects, but not so quickly.
I have to say, to all my natural born female friends that I am in complete awe of you all. I never fully comprehended what an effect hormones could have and never fully will, but even just having this glimpse has given me a massive wake up call and understanding into what you go through.
Basically, I have started puberty for the second time. Hormones all over the place, mood swings, things growing, things shrinking, my body changing shape. Throw in the hot flushes and holding down a full time job and you get a very interesting few weeks. In the three weeks after the initial symptoms, there were no issues. I thought everything had levelled out. Then came week 5. Week 5. Probably a week to forget.
Hormones. Extreme mood swings. Extreme feeling of loneliness. Blowing everything out of all proportion. Just wanting to curl up in a duvet and eat my own body weight in chocolate.......sound familiar? That combined with the job, trying to find somewhere to live, and thinking that I'd upset someone who'd become a good friend was an awful combination.
I had also been helping other people over the prior few weeks with their problems - of which I wouldn't change as that's the type of person I am and that had left me emotionally drained. You see, I don't have a significant other to go home to or family that are close at hand to go to. I am, on a daily basis, alone with my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I do have awesome friends but most of the ones who I see the most are the ones I'd been helping through their problems. Hence the feeling of extreme loneliness. I had no one to turn to.
Putting all this together created a perfect storm. The immense feeling of isolation did nearly send me over the edge. All I wanted was a cuddle, someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. I'm holding back the tears now, just writing this. Hormones. I still want a cuddle - I may burst into tears if I get one.
This week has been better so far. I have seen my friend and sorted things out which has made me a lot happier, I have (hopefully) found somewhere to live, the mood swings are lessening and I had a good weekend in good company. I know that in three weeks that I will go through it all again. I wouldn't change it for the world. This is my world now.
Sunday, 7 May 2017
Before the big update, I thought I'd give you an overview into my morning routine. In the past, I'd just be able to get up, get dressed, have my breakfast and go to work. 20 minutes at most.
Now, it takes a bit longer. almost three times as long. I can't leave anything out, it all has to be done. It's my choice and I am not complaining and hopefully it will give you an idea of what I go through on a normal work day.
5.00 - alarm goes off.
5.00.15s - realise it's a work day and get up.
5.01 - tie hair up, dressing gown and slippers on.
5.03 - into bathroom to wash face/shave face and top of chest/shower.
5.10 - back into bedroom. TV on (Jeremy Kyle).
5.11 - Fully dry off, moisturise knees, elbows, shoulders and chest where shaved.
5.14 - Cleanse, tone and moisturise face.
5.17 - Prime chin, under eyes and nose
5.18 - apply panstick to chin/nose/sideburn area and powder
5.20 - apply foundation, powder and blend in so no tide mark.
5.25 - Eyebrows/eyeliner/mascara.
5.28 - Lipstick and blusher.
5.31 - Deodorant/bodyspray
5.32 - put on foundation underwear.
5.33 - put on bra and breast forms.
5.34 - put on necklace
5.35 - Get dressed.
5.38 - brush hair and put in ponytail.
5.40 - put on rest of jewellery.
5.42 - make breakfast and eat.
5.45 - clean teeth.
5.48 - put on coat, get handbag, get lunch.
5.50 - leave house, get in car, drive to work.
6.30 - arrive at work.
So there you have it. It will get easier and shorter as things progress. However, if everything goes to plan, it is going to get worse first. I am hopefully moving soon and a consequence of that will be a 4.45am start as my journey to work will be longer. I wouldn't go back to the old routine though - or the person. This is all totally worth it!
Now, it takes a bit longer. almost three times as long. I can't leave anything out, it all has to be done. It's my choice and I am not complaining and hopefully it will give you an idea of what I go through on a normal work day.
5.00 - alarm goes off.
5.00.15s - realise it's a work day and get up.
5.01 - tie hair up, dressing gown and slippers on.
5.03 - into bathroom to wash face/shave face and top of chest/shower.
5.10 - back into bedroom. TV on (Jeremy Kyle).
5.11 - Fully dry off, moisturise knees, elbows, shoulders and chest where shaved.
5.14 - Cleanse, tone and moisturise face.
5.17 - Prime chin, under eyes and nose
5.18 - apply panstick to chin/nose/sideburn area and powder
5.20 - apply foundation, powder and blend in so no tide mark.
5.25 - Eyebrows/eyeliner/mascara.
5.28 - Lipstick and blusher.
5.31 - Deodorant/bodyspray
5.32 - put on foundation underwear.
5.33 - put on bra and breast forms.
5.34 - put on necklace
5.35 - Get dressed.
5.38 - brush hair and put in ponytail.
5.40 - put on rest of jewellery.
5.42 - make breakfast and eat.
5.45 - clean teeth.
5.48 - put on coat, get handbag, get lunch.
5.50 - leave house, get in car, drive to work.
6.30 - arrive at work.
So there you have it. It will get easier and shorter as things progress. However, if everything goes to plan, it is going to get worse first. I am hopefully moving soon and a consequence of that will be a 4.45am start as my journey to work will be longer. I wouldn't go back to the old routine though - or the person. This is all totally worth it!
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