I've come to the realisation that I'm unlovable, only just tolerated and an inconvenience to many people. I seem to be that person that is always that tagged on to the group, invited as an afterthought or is remembered after the event. I'm the one that is always smiling on the outside but inside I am dead. My heart is devoid of any feeling. I am numb. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I've had enough of having my trust broken and made to feel worthless. 

I thought I had a good heart, support and respect; would help out where I could, listened to everyone else's issues and problems and is valued. Yet, why do I feel like a well trodden doormat? Use me and abuse me. She can cope. She's fine. She's strong. She's been and is going through so much, she'll survive. Well, guess what? I'M NOT STRONG. I CAN'T COPE. I DON'T WANT TO SURVIVE. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. PERIOD. 

I'm a human being who has been shunned by the majority of my biological family, has had my trust and heart broken by 99% of the people I have opened up to, have had far too many fair weather friends fleecing me of my good nature and kindness, am only contacted if some help is needed or something is required and is constantly put down at work by colleagues and management. I'm empty, emotionally exhausted and mentally spent. There is nothing left to fight this with. I'm done. 

No, this is not the effects of covid and lockdown making me feel like this. If anything, it's me a clearer understanding of my interpersonal relationships and my current emotional and mental state. There have been some issues recently that have hastened my decent and made me question my place on this planet.

I think I'm just going to say sod life.  If I don't open up to anyone, I can't get hurt. I can't be used. I can't be made to feel worthless and unlovable. I can only trust myself. I won't be an inconvenience or an afterthought. Yes, there are drawbacks, but at the moment, the positives far outweigh the negatives. I may or may not get trough this. I may or may not open up again. I may not be here to see it through. Shit happens. Every sodding day of my sorry life. 

Like a lot of people, life has been strange. The world as we knew it has been turned on its head and given a big shake up. It has given a lot of people time to contemplate life and all that it holds for them.

As in previous posts, I have thought a lot about myself and how I perceive myself in the eyes of everyone else. I have made changes that have helped my self confidence and have made me a little happier generally. This has then lead me to look at why this happened. Why did I perceive myself so negatively? Why do I feel like a failure at trying to be me? One fact kept cropping up. I was raised as a male. Grew up as a male and have been conditioned as a male. As an adult trans woman, I have had to try and undo the 30+ years of male conditioning in so far just over 5 years. 

This white, male conditioning did grant me some privilege (which never sat comfortably with me), for which I could never expect to share the same experiences as a cis woman. I like to think I was more empathic than my contemporaries and had a more caring side to my nature overall, which in some way might point to the feeling of not having the right shell to live in or the feeling of uneasiness with the privilege I had. I have been lucky with that privilege. Feeling safer when out at night, people not questioning your knowledge, your opinion, your right to exist. You could live more freely than any other race, gender, sexuality or creed on the planet. 

I now feel unsafe going out at night, my knowledge is constantly questioned at work (I still work for the same company as in my previous incarnation), my opinions aren't taken as seriously and even my right to exist is questioned at an evermore alarming rate. This last bit scares me more than anything else in the world. My right to exist. To live as me. I have to work harder than ever before to justify myself to not just my peers and the world around me, but to those who wish to remove me from the face of the earth. Is this what the loss of privilege is? That fear? The never feeling good enough and the having to work 100% harder just to stand still?

I have had a very steep learning curve during my transition. I have had to decondition myself of many traits and practices I had developed over the years. Everyday things like how I walk, talk, eat and even think. I have had to learn new skills like (unfortunately slightly cliched) applying makeup, doing my hair, clothes shopping, talking (voice training) and all the other little things you don't realise until you can't do them. Even now, I sometimes think I still act male in some aspects. This is the bit that gets me down the most. 

Do I still wish I had been born in the right body? Absolutely! I hate this body and the bits in all the wrong places. I missed out on learning in the last few years what I would have learnt over a lifetime. I have missed out on growing up without thinking there was something wrong with me. I would have grown up without that privilege afforded to me by my conditioning, but I wouldn't have known anything different. All those things I wish I could have now in my few years of puberty and not having to adult on a daily basis. To forgo that privilege for living the life I feel I should have had. 

I have to do the best with what I have and the time I have left. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I can't have what I want and I have to live the best life I can. I'm trying my best to be the best me I can and keeping some of the parts of my last incarnation. Those bits of the real me that burst through the barricades of male conditioning.

I hope I am a different person to the one I left behind. A better and more rounded person. Maybe less tolerant of idiots as I'm getting older and a better ability to say no to people. I am still in the process of learning what it means to be me, a trans woman and all the whirlwind that goes with it. The ever changing maze of emotions, hormones, existing, rights, loves, losses, battles and fights. There is that young woman in there. She's nearly free. xx

It's not fun having so much time to mull life over. To go over where you are, how you got here and why are you here. Questioning every major decision in your life up to now. Then questioning the future. What if this? What if that? It's usually worse just as my head hits the pillow when I go to bed. That and the heartburn. 

Like a lot of people, I have never been off of work or school for this long. Not since I went to school in 1981. I feel old now. Life for me was so simple then. 3 television channels, no computers, mobile phones, no pressures of our 'modern' life. No pressure to have to conform to certain norms, have the latest stuff, clothes and gadgets. A treat was fish and chips on a Saturday night or getting a couple of books out of the library. Holidays were in the UK. We weren't an amazingly well off family, but we managed.

Life has changed many times over in the intervening years. The trauma of school, college, work, relationships, friendships and many other little trials and tribulations have made me the person I am today. A sometimes neurotic, perfectionist, stubborn, caring, resilient and lonely person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I care for those who earn my trust and respect. There are no second chances anymore. Disrespect me, lose my trust or go against me and you're gone. No if's or buts. I've been hurt, disrespected and been taken advantage of too many times by people in the past and this is now my defence mechanism.

All of this has led me to contemplate what the future holds for me. Where am I going? What am I doing? How am I doing? The future is very uncertain for me. The rise in transphobia in the UK and in the developed world is on the rise, thereby increasing the risk of attack, loss of rights, inability to access healthcare and even the ability to just survive is a very real threat. My physical transition is in some respects also on hold at the moment. The tunnel just got longer again and the light is getting further away.

The ongoing effect of this pandemic on the economy means that my employment may be in jeopardy. The ne thing that has kept me stable, is potentially going to be taken away. Add finding that someone to share my life with is, the older I get, scary, let alone adding my transition into the mix. Being single for 9 years now has also made me very set in my ways. That's another thing to contend with!

My resilience has got me this far, however, I have no idea if it will get me through the choppy waters that are in front of me. I can only dig down so far to survive before there is nothing left to fight with. The last few weeks have been very dark in places; those places are at the moment becoming more and more frequently visited. Lots of what if's and hypothesising about the future and no way of stopping that river once it's in full flow. Many sleepless night will testify to that fact. 

The fact that I've never turned to drink, drugs, (only the prescribed kind), or smoked is one thing in my favour. Never even been tempted. Ever. I didn't even have alcohol until I was 18. Not a sheltered childhood, just a lot going on during my formative years. Situations and experiences that have had a long lasting affect on my life and the directions it has taken. This is where my resilience has stemmed from. My ability to dig deep and keep going even under enormous pressure. My ability to adapt to new situations. My ability to survive. 

I need to break away from some of those experiences though and shape my future. I have been held back by certain lessons learnt which have also given me a negative effect on how I view certain aspects of life, especially interaction with other people. My life is getting shorter; nearly 8 weeks on my own at home and 9 years single means that my time is getting more precious. I can't waste anymore than I already have and am doing. Time to stop procrastinating and get a move on. 

It's 1am on a Thursday morning. I can't relax enough to sleep. So here is another rambling post for you to ignore/enjoy/laugh at.

After spending 4 weeks in isolation so far, it's safe to say that my mental health is slowly deteriorating.  I know a lot of people are in the same situation as me with regard to their mental health and that it is a very difficult and uncertain time for all of us. This isolation period has given me personally too much time to think about things, where I'm heading and what the future may hold. Damn you, overactive imagination.

Take bedtime. At the moment, I have no defined bedtime. My sleep pattern is non existent. One night, asleep by 12. The next night, hopefully by 5am, if I'm lucky. I then lose half the day asleep, which then sets off a chain reaction of deteriorating mental health, bad eating and general malaise. I'm trying to stay active, but, I'm almost out of things to do around my home, I haven't got an outside space to go into, only my appointed exercise time and I can't visit anyone or have anyone visit. 

The act of just going to work meant that I could interact with people and now that's been taken away from me. This then multiplies my feelings of loneliness, which leads to self doubt and lack of confidence that I will find someone. I'm used to being on my own, but away from virtually any human contact is really tough to deal with. It's becoming tougher with every passing day.

I haven't been out now for 7 days. Yes, I know I should get out and have my exercise, but I can't face it unless me leaving the flat has a purpose; i.e. shopping. Today, I have a double purpose for going out. Collect my meds from the chemist and food shopping. That'll probably be it until next week. Who knows? I think, in a way, I feel guilty for going out just for a walk. I shouldn't, but there's always that niggling feeling that I should stay indoors and not go out at all. 

I am mindful of how far I've come without having someone by my side or my biological nearest relatives beside me. I have wonderful surrogate families and friends around me, but I long for that big hug and the love and affection that I haven't had for years. I miss that feeling of belonging, closeness, love. I worry that being on my own for so long that I won't be able to open up to anyone fully again and I'll be alone now until I die. 

I thought I was making headway on this one after my counselling, but this past few weeks, I've gone backwards. I look at myself everyday and wonder how I've got to this point in my life. How I haven't taken the easy route out, filled myself full of chemicals or alcohol, slept around or just headed off down the rabbit hole of hedonism. How have I survived the hand I've been dealt with, all the bad things that have happened? Is it me? Am I just difficult to get along with? Am I too strong willed and stubborn? Do I like things done my own way? Some of it, yes. All of it, maybe. I just try to do what is best for the situation and for other people usually, without thinking of myself. I think It's what I've always done. 

I will get through this; I always seem to find the inner strength to survive. Yes, I may seem cheerful, have a smile, crack a joke (albeit usually a bad one!). I use it as a mask to deflect my inner hurt and pain so I don't bring anyone else down or make or feel sorry for me. Please, this is not a cry for help - It's always just a way of sharing my innermost feelings and thoughts to whoever reads them. I don't write these posts for the sympathy vote. I just want people to understand why I sometimes act certain ways or do certain things. Why sometimes I don't do things or see people (when we can). 

My life is a maze of emotions, appointments, battling my own demons, dealing with the loneliness and trying to be the person I should have been, whilst gong through puberty, holding down a full time job and running a home. I sometimes fail. I say the wrong thing, I don't get back to someone, I forget to do something. That's usually because I have shut myself off for a while just to regroup and calm my overactive mind. That's my coping mechanism. Just not 4 weeks (and counting) of it.

I thought I'd add an addendum to my last post. I touched on the fact that I've gone back to wearing my prosthetic breasts and padded pants. I wanted to explain in more detail why I have taken the option at this stage in my transition. So, here goes...…….

I have, since a very early age, had body issues. Puppy fat when I was younger to the weight gain through hormone therapy and comfort eating because of poor mental health have always meant that I've spent most of my life being overweight or, as I am now classed, obese. (Really, based on health charts, I'm obese.) It had blighted me for years and I am my own worst enemy when it comes to lack of exercise and food intake. I like food, especially when I don't have to cook or pay for it!

Growing up, I had a diet of hearty meals, full fat milk, butter, but not a lot of sweets and no cola until I was 14. We had Wimpy burgers instead of McDonalds, fish and chips once a week and a roast every Sunday. Exercise was PE at school and maybe riding my bike. This was the norm until my teens, when the food variety expanded into things like pizza, pasta and curry and weekly badminton sessions and more frequent bike riding. This is when I was at my thinnest and fittest. 

So what happened? Marriage, mortgage, divorce, near death experiences, toxic friends, hormone therapy and mental health issues have all in their way contributed to my weight and exercise issues and my now bad body image issues. I was never that good with my body image before, but since starting my hormone therapy and the potential changes it could have bought, I feel that I haven't developed as I would have hoped. 

When I stared transitioning, I decided to differentiate between the two entities. I would artificially alter my body shape by using padding. Namely the prosthetic breasts and padded pants. Even after staring the hormones, I carried on using them. Then, things started to change. Breast tissue growth and rounding of the hips and bum looked promising. So I stopped wearing them. (Plus it was getting hot wearing them in the summer and a little sweaty.)

All hell then broke loose in my life. From near drowning, those toxic friends, work related issues, mental health issues, and my own issues with transitioning, exercise took a back seat and the food intake increased. So much so, that in 2 years, I have put on over 2 stone. Which I now have to lose, or I won't get my ultimate goal, gender confirmation surgery.

In those 2 years, I have gone from being excited to the changes in my body, to now hating the sight of it both clothed and unclothed. I just look like a fat person with moobs and extra bits I don't want. I have no confidence in myself as a person or as a woman, I constantly feel that people are looking and staring and talking behind my back. Even at home, this affects even the basics of how I perceive myself, how I move, sit and stand. 

These past few weeks of enforced isolation and the rediscovery of the padding have given me a lot to think about. The perfect opportunity to look at my life, where it's heading, why I feel certain ways and what I can do to move forward. I'm currently eating my 5 a day, drinking more water, am more aware of what I'm eating (thanks to a good friend of mine who is helping me to eat better, when I get back on track again) and deciding to wear the padding again. Combine that with the fact that I am more relaxed overall, considering our current situation and I am starting to feel better in myself.

The padding is making a difference. I am holding myself differently, walking differently and even sitting differently. My mindset is changing again. It's taking me back to where it should be. I feel like I should do. I'm starting to feel me again. That person who, 4 years ago, was starting to live in the world and was full of hope for the future. I'm not feeling like that 'bloke in a dress' anymore. That fraud, that fake. That person who is afraid to go out, go to the toilet, even look at themselves in the mirror. I have my confidence increasing again.

I realise that I can't wear them forever. That's just not viable. This is where the exercise comes in. If I can see changes happening for the better, that will improve my body image issues. That in turn should negate the need for some if not all the padding. I'm not ruling our a little surgical help later on in at least one area, if all else fails. Where that is, is up to you to guess and for me to know!

Hopefully, this will give you a little background to my body issues and why I have made the decision I did in my last post. Only I can go about not having to wear them in the future. I just need the willpower and gumption to start moving in that direction. Going to the gym is a non starter at the present time, as is swimming. Any exercise will have to be at home or walking outside. I will sort something out. I need to. My future really does depend on it. xx

So, as I seem to have a bit of time on my hands at the moment, I thought it was a good time to get my addled brains musings into word form for you all to read, digest or ignore at your leisure.

Living on your own during a period of self isolation is tough. It's not just the staying indoors except for legitimate reasons side of it, it's the lack of any human interaction on a daily basis. I am used to it in some ways, in living on my own, but I always had work or friends to see to cope with it. This time though, it's a lot harder and tougher on my mental health. The first week was the hardest. It hit me like a brick. No interaction at all just magnified how isolated I am and how lonely I am.

Now, I'm not looking for sympathy. Some of this is of my own doing. I am scared of meeting people outside of my circle, so I have difficulty making new friends, let alone meeting someone special. I have some good friends and not being able to see them or even interact with them on a one to one personal level is very difficult to deal with. I think, in two weeks, I've actually spoken to 5 people face to face (albeit from either behind Perspex or from 2 metres away). I have video messaged a few people as well, but it's not the same. 

All of this also meant that my operation and my current treatment are also on hold/postponed for the foreseeable future. I'm so close, but yet again, so far. I have to take it in my stride though. It's not been an easy journey so far, so this is really par for the course.

Last week was better. Last week was different. I had relaxed. For the first time in ages, even with all the uncertainty in the world, I had relaxed. Not just chilled out a bit. I relaxed. Being more relaxed has actually been a very good bonus from all of this. It has helped me to sort out my head a little as well as sorting out the physical environment around me. It has given me time to think about what is holding me back and what a rut I had fallen into. Not just work wise, but life in general.

One of my major issues is my body. For me, the hormones only do so much. With my weight, I don't feel, physically, very feminine. This the affects my mental view of myself to the point that I just feel like a fraud and essentially a 'bloke in a dress'. Yes, I have a small chest and a slightly bigger arse, but this, for me at least, isn't enough. I have been acutely aware that this makes me feel, look and act more like the wrong me, especially at home.

When I started transitioning, I wore a pair of false prosthetic breasts and a padded pants. Just to differentiate between the person I used to be and the person I should have been. I stopped wearing them about 2 years ago as I thought that I didn't need them anymore. Whilst going through the myriad of boxes under my bed, I found those attachments. So, out of curiosity, I put them on. Instantly, I felt better. I felt more like I should do. I felt empowered, I felt real. I felt me. (For those with a dirty mind, I'm way ahead of you!) I made the decision to start wearing them again, for the foreseeable future. Since then, I have felt happier, I've been proactive with sorting stuff out in the flat, doing a few bits of DIY and I am feeling better about not having any human interaction. 

Some of you may be disappointed with my decision, but my mental health is my main priority. Plus, wearing the tighter underwear means I am eating less. (Well that and the fact that I am more aware than ever about when I go/what I get, when shopping.) Eating less = Losing weight, hopefully. I religiously eating my 5 a day, drinking more water, snacking less. A double win. 

The uncertainty of the situation we are all in will hit eventually. I will dwell on it. It will pull me back down. As long as everybody does what we need to do, this will be over quicker. I just want to be able to see people in the flesh again. Not to have to stay 2 metres away or be behind Perspex. To give people a hug, to see my close friends again. Even go back to work. Yes, I said it. Work. I'm lucky that I live by the sea, 2 parks and near the town centre, meaning that I have plenty of walking options for my daily exercise. I have 3 supermarkets within walking distance as well. It could be a lot worse. I have to take the view that I am still alive and have all I need around me to survive. And tea. Plenty of tea. 

STAY HOME. SAVE LIVES. PROTECT THE NHS. The quicker we get through this, the quicker life will find a new normality. xx

I plateaued. The despair did eventually level out. I started to climb. Higher. The top is a very long way away though, but I am climbing. The hole is still deep, but the light at the top is now a little brighter.

The last few weeks have still been challenging. The front is still there. The acting is still strong. But a few little things have happened to stop the decent. That reconnection with old friends, connecting to family again, that little piece of good news at work, that few days away from the epicentre of my life, the chemist actually having all of my medication in one go. Plus some beautiful cats. It's a start. 

I'm trying to not think of things going backwards. The 'it's too good to be true' syndrome. The 'I don't deserve this' and the 'we're just teasing you' narratives. Things aren't going to magically be fab overnight. The road will be long and arduous. I'm just going to make small steps along it for now. Take those little pluses where I can and try to weather the minuses. 

I want to thank all those who have listened to me, talked to me, put up with me, helped me and fed me. Thank you to the cats who stared at me whilst I slept. Thank you to my friend for lending me their car. Thank you to my friend who kept messaging me to make sure I was OK. Thank you to the friend who invited me to stay with them for a few days. Thank you to the friend who, even after a couple for rough years between us, I'm still proud to have as a friend. 

Tomorrow is another day...…...

I am struggling. I have been for about 3 months now. I am descending in to a hole from which is getting harder and harder to see the light from the top. A hole in which the further I descend, the more overwhelming everything seems to be. A hole which is threatening to take me over completely.

Transitioning is a long and sometimes very lonely journey. From the gatekeeping in the NHS to the 'friends' that disappear over the years and the family that disown you, it all takes it's toll. Add to that the rampant dysphoria, fear that you will be attacked just for being you, the current media frenzy on the fact that I shouldn't really exist, the rise of far right and far left ideologies debating your very existence and the constant feeling that you will be alone forever, make quite a poisonous cocktail.

Just to be clear, I have never doubted transitioning, never wanted to go back and I know this is the right decision for me. It's just that over the past 3 months, all of this has been slowly but surely eating away at my confidence, sanity, mental and physical health. It is being replaced by anxiety, tiredness, fear, emotional ambivalence and lack of self esteem and confidence in just being alive. The waves of doubt are letting in the waves of wondering if things would be better off if I wasn't here at all. Yes, I've been to that port and it's staring to look like a very nice destination. No more drama, no more pain and no more feeling like a burden.

Medically, I can't just take some anti-depressants to help with this. They interact with my anti - breakdance (epilepsy) meds. NHS counselling consists of CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which give you coping strategies. I've been through that, got the leaflets, seen the books. I've exhausted all my known strategies to help me and they're not working. It's just easier now to slip down the hole and slowly pull away from everyone and everything. You can't miss me if you don't see me as often, right?

Emotionally, I can't even emote properly. I can't cry (and I really want to), scream, feel anything other than ambivalence (again, I want to feel something). Being on my own is hard in the fact you have no one to listen to your fears, thoughts, dreams or to share your life with. Sometime you just want to curl up with someone and be cuddled. Just to be held and told everything is going to be OK. But then finding someone is even more difficult because of who I am and the fear that when you tell someone you are transgender, you may be attacked physically and verbally. Catch 22. Want to find someone but too scared to.

Physically, I'm stating to look in the mirror and not see me. I keep seeing the person I used to be. The person I didn't want to be. The false me. This is my dysphoria. Not seeing the person I want to be after four years of upheaval, appointments, hormones, letting the person I want to be, well, just be. Looking in the mirror and seeing that other person after everything that has happened. It's disheartening and depressing. It permeates everything in my life. From not wanting to go out or speak, to just how I hold myself, sit, eat or even think. 

I do have some very good friends, surrogate family and my own family (a couple of my cousins) around me. However, as much as they say they are there for me, I need far  more than they can give right now. I need that cuddle, that cry, that emotional support. I have always given support when it's needed. That's just me. That's what I do. Please understand that I cannot do this anymore. I've nothing left to give. It's to my detriment that I now cannot even help myself. I need that help now. I need a friend like me. That one who will put their issues to one side, even when they are low and help others. 

What you see and hear everyday from me is a front. A well acted and thought out and constructed front. That laughter hides the hurt, that smile hides the pain, that joke hides the emotional void. I sit at home and the darkness descends. That loneliness grips me. I speak to no one after I get home until I get to work the next day. Anxiety then stops me from going out and just exiting outside my four walls, so makes it worse. Catch 22 again. 

The sum of these parts is the cause of my decent over the past few months. On their own, they are probably easier to overcome. However, when they start to intertwine with each other, it's extremely hard to even know where to start. So you don't. And it pushes you deeper and deeper down that hole. Ever deeper. Ever deeper.

Love and relationships. The eternal conundrum. It's something I have been giving a lot of thought to recently as my past posts will testify. It's an area of my life that I haven't wanted to explore over the past few years as I have had a lot of other things to think about which have been more important. However, since I have started my therapy sessions, it's an area of my life that is now not looking so bleak and out of reach.

My mantra for the past few years has been : Whatever happens, happens. Meaning, that if anyone of any denomination passed my way, then so be it. However, more recently, my heart is being drawn in a certain direction with regard to my sexuality. Don't ask me how or why, it's just sort of, well, happening. I suppose, the combination of puberty, hormones, finding myself and the whole relationship issue has finally kickstarted my journey toward my sexuality.

There are many labels out there to define someones sexuality. Terms such as Lesbian, Gay, Demisexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual and others out there are used to denote someones sexual preferences. A majority of  people have worked out their sexuality during their teenage years. It's a time for experimentation and finding out who you are and you usually have a pretty good idea who you like by your early 20's. I thought I had as well. 

I find myself going back a *few* years to being a teenager and the process of defining my sexuality, albeit without the experimentation and the fact I have to 'adult' on a daily basis. Who do I find attractive? What am I looking for in a potential partner? All questions everyone in the history of time has asked themselves. Actually having to think about it as an adult is fraught with the dangers of hindsight and experience. Your judgement is clouded. Well, it is for me. I'm a worrier and look for the worst in a situation/experience. 

You have to bear in mind, it's been 8 years since I was in a relationship and nearly 20 years since I last dated. Which also means over 8 years since I actually shared a bed or home with anyone. Then again, I'm not the person I was all those years ago. A lot has changed. I'd like to think my sexuality is still in a fluid state and still will be for a few years yet. Lately, I am finding a group of people more attractive and I can picture myself with that group more than another. Even a type is emerging. 

No clues for you though. It's something I want to keep to myself  as it's a very personal thing that is also a major part of finding myself as me. I want to see what happens and where the hormones take me and my heart. At least things don't seem so scary now. Small steps and all that...…..xx

Summer is almost here. The mornings and evenings are lighter and with that, my mood is in a better place. It's nice to go to work and come home in the light. That extra boost you need after the dark and cold winter months. An injection of Vitamin D to brighten up my view. 

If you've been reading my posts, you'll know I've been going to counselling sessions. These have been very tough, both emotionally and mentally on me, due to the nature of what I am dealing with. I've had four so far and whilst at the start, it was extremely difficult and draining, I am finally beginning make sense of what I am dealing with. Drawing the lines between the dots and creating a clearer picture of my issues and my way forward. 

For me, talking one to one with someone is the best form of counselling. Someone who is also detached from my group and has no preconceptions about anyone involved. They also understand the unique issues that transgender people have and the pressures that we are under from society as a whole. Just being able to get all of these issues out in the open with someone who has a different view on them is good as it gives me a new angle on which to tackle them from.

Only I can deal with them though. The counselling can provide the tools to help me, but ultimately, I am in control of the outcome. It will be a long process for some of the issues; there won't be an overnight fix. At least I can see a way forward now. 

It was nice to have a week away from work last week. A week of doing nothing but days out and spending a little money on myself. Summer clothes, bus and train rides and the odd coffee and cake to relax and take stock of life. Recharge the batteries. The fact that I didn't have to get up at five am and could actually have a proper lie in for the first time in months was absolute bliss! (Going to sleep at three am probably had something to do with that as well!) 

So that's where I am at the moment. Things are looking better. Things are looking brighter. I can see a new way forward and see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Small steps...…...xx

Am I lovable? Will I ever find somebody who will love me for me? Will I end up a lonely lady with 100 cats and have to get cat food delivered by the lorry load? Do people really like me or do they just tolerate me? These are questions that currently plague my life. The subject of finding that significant other is one that scares me like nothing else. 

One of the things I am dealing with in my counselling sessions is relationships. Relationships between me and my friends and family and also going forward, relationships with a potential partner. It has really bought into focus to me how my relationships have and can change in an instant. I've said before about how I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved. Fact. The side effect of this is the barriers I have put up. The barriers that effect every relationship I have. The barriers that prevent me from really opening up and trusting anyone. The barriers that make me fearful that even my closest friends will eventually reject me. 

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. No one will want to be with me and no one will ever love me. As far as I am concerned, this is how it is going to be. The thought of even starting to find someone is almost impossible to conceive. The thought of even going out to date or going online to date is frightening. That fear of rejection is seemingly too much to overcome. 

I admit that I am lonely and I want to have someone special in my life. I miss that human contact. I don't feel lovable or even vaguely attractive. The counselling is helping me to equip myself with the mindfulness and belief to love myself firstly and then that will allow me to start dating and finding that someone. Helping me to break down, or at least lower these seemingly insurmountable barriers. 

Also in focus is how I generally interact with people. I fully admit that I am not the easiest person to get on with. I am moody and that generally will show in my interaction with those people I spend the most time with. I also admit that I am more selfish than I used to be. I have had to become more selfish. I have had to focus on my wellbeing and my own happiness more than ever. For the first time in my life, I come first. I have spent years putting others first and putting myself last. My happiness was put to the back of my mind as I was always making sure everyone else was happy.

This has also affected how I interact with people. Some people who were in my life just can't accept the fact that the focus is on me now and not what I can do for them. Those people who think that I should always contact them or do what they want with no regard to my wellbeing. I learnt how to say no and mean it. I do what is best for me now and not what people want me to do. I am still there for the people who mean the most to me, but I do say no more often now. 

I've a long way to go until I get anywhere near being able to date or open up to people. I've spent so long with these barriers up, that I can't remember a world without them. It's a scary prospect. But it's my only chance to find someone special and to put these fears to rest. Back to cuddling the pillow tonight. Yay.

To say the counselling has taken it's toll, would be an understatement. It really has knocked me sideways. The act of bringing situations, people and my own inbuilt fears and issues into focus and having to start really dealing with them has been both mentally and physically difficult for me. At the moment, I feel like I am just existing; nothing is going to make me happy again and I can't see a way forward. 

A lot of the issues I currently have are due to circumstances and events that have happened in the past. They go back over many, many years and each time something has happened, I usually just deal with it, put it away in a little area of my brain and move on. Only, I hadn't really dealt with anything properly. I'd just filed it away and consciously forgotten about it. However, that's where the subconscious mind has always been rifling through them, slowly making me act certain ways or making me deal with situations in certain ways. They have in their own ways, shaped how I think, act and interact with people; not always in a good way.

I know that in the long term, it will be good for me to deal with these circumstances and events once and for all and then I should be able to deal with the fallout from them which is hindering me in my everyday life. I have one overriding issue with which I need to deal with and once I have dealt with it and changed my mindset, it will be a huge stumbling block removed. It's a big ask at the moment as it is the one thing that frightens me the most, given my current situation. It's the second biggest thing I crave (after surgery), but one that can and will change my life immeasurably. 

This month also marks my two years on hormone therapy. Two years of watching the physical transformation of my face and body and my mental and emotional transformation. I can now look in the mirror and see my face has changed and is not that person I was a few years ago. As for my body, I can see some underlying changes. Especially the weight gain. About 2 stone in 2 years. Mostly a combination of hormone changes and comfort eating. Mentally and emotionally is where I see the biggest change in me. More emotional, compassionate and certainly moody!

I would never go back to who I was. That person is no longer with us. For all the negatives during my transition, it is something I have never regretted. I am who I am and now I can be that person. I am not confined to a role I was never comfortable in or a lifestyle that felt alien to me. I can express myself and live more freely. 

It is also something which, as mentioned above, gives me my greatest fear for the future. that is finding someone to share my future with. My stumbling block is being able to overcome my fear of rejection (as I have been rejected by everyone I have ever loved). That fear, combined with being transgender, is one of the biggest challenges of my life to overcome. I want someone in my life, but I'm afraid it'll never happen and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Which in turn affects my mental health and makes things seem even worse. A vicious circle. 

So, put everything together and that's why I feel like I'm just existing at the moment. I can't move forward, without looking back. I'm also in limbo with a couple of other things related to my transition which add to the mix as well as working more hours to cover my trips to London for my counselling. It was never gong to be easy, I just never thought it would be this hard. xx

Not feeling at my best tonight. Had another counselling session today and it has again taken it out of me. I'm feeling pretty deflated and low at this moment in time. I know it's a necessary part of the ongoing, I hate to say it, treatment protocol, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pretty awful afterwards.

The thing is, it brings issues up which up until now, I had dealt with in my own way, i.e. Buried deep in the recesses of my mind. So really, not dealing with them at all. Just pushing them to one side, hoping that they would never rear their ugly heads again. However, to deal with them fully, I have to dust them off and fully deal with the issues and where these issues stem from. 

Part of this, is going back many, many years. To my childhood to be exact. My formative years and issues that arose in that time. I'm not going to go into any detail on here, as people involved cannot put their side of the issue, but suffice to say that events and actions during that time have had a very significant effect on me and how I have evolved as a person. Those actions still effect me to this day and they have affected any relationship, both family, friend or significant other that I have had. 

This is something I've known for many years, but have probably been afraid to admit it to myself for fear of causing upset, retaliation or denial from those involved. However, due to those relationships being, shall we say, broken, I can now admit to myself that my life and how I live it has been affected for all these years. Fears of intimacy, opening up to people, craving love and affection, just wanting a cuddle and to be told it's all going to be ok. I know that many of these are just normal things to want, but for me, they have been a major overriding factor in my developing relationships with anyone. 

I'm not a very confident person around people at the best of times (although some of my friends would disagree with that). I don't think anyone I know truly knows everything about me; every little thing about my life and what has happened. I don't think I remember everything. I've probably blotted a lot out so I can at least function as a human being. I don't open up to people very easily due to my fear of getting hurt by people who know too much about me. I think this stems from everyone I have trusted in the past, all of those who should have been there for me, have hurt me and disowned me in some way. That's a very big issue to deal with.

My life at the moment is still very much a work in progress and over the next few months, I am going to get days like this. Hopefully by the end of my sessions, I can break down some of the barriers that I have put up, primarily to protect myself from getting hurt yet again and to hopefully find that special someone with whom I can have that cuddle and be told it's all going to be ok. 

I've been trying to think of what to write for a few weeks now. I've wanted to update my blog, but have had no idea what to say or how to say it. As per usual, it has been a roller coaster of emotions, good things, happy things, sad things and angry things. Happily, I am in a better place this year to deal with the constantly fluctuating emotional scale that is my life.

Where to begin? Lets start with a good thing. Surgery. That's right. Surgery. I have finally had my first appointment with my surgeon for my GRS (genital reconstruction surgery). A 15 minute appointment in London with 5 and a half hours total travelling time to and from the clinic. Don't anyone ever tell you I am not committed to this. Up at 4.45am, Started work at 7am, left work at 10.30am, caught train at 11.10am, got to the mainline station in London at 1.20pm(main line to London closed, 50 mile detour) underground to nearest clinic station, arriving at the clinic at 2pm for a 2.30pm appointment. In to see the surgeon at 2.25pm. starting my journey back home at 2.40pm. Arrived home at 6pm. A very long day, but it will be ultimately worth it.

So, what happened you may ask? Well, I am borderline, BMI wise, so got to lose a bit of weight (set myself a 2 stone minimum, currently lost half a stone), got to have electrolysis on my scrotal skin (due to past operations, my operation will be slightly different) and this will take at least 6 months, once I have my funding. After 5 months I can contact the clinic and I will be put on the surgery waiting list, which should be a maximum of 3 months. The problems that may occur were run through as was the recovery and maintenance after the operation. Scared, yes; ready for it, ABSOLUTELY!! Bring it on!

Where next? Something which is both good and upsetting. Psychology. Basically, counselling. I have been waiting for this for nearly 2 years and should have had it last year. It's designated to help me navigate the many issues that have arisen from my decision to transition. Things such as coping with the rampant transphobia in the media; navigating the wider world and my fears in just existing as me and the fears in starting any kind of relationship, combined with navigating my sexuality.

I have had my first session. It was really an assessment as to what to cover in the ongoing sessions. This is where it became upsetting. I had to drag up a lot of things that I had repressed and put away, stuff that was really still quite raw to me. It really took it out of me for a few days, made me feel really low and emotional. I'd just got to a point where things were looking up and I was feeling better and BOOM!; back about 12 months emotionally. It took me a few days to realise that, to move forward, I will need to have times like these and the counselling will ultimately help me to deal with the issues I have and let me move on and live my life my way. I've another 7 sessions to go. Apologies to anyone I know if I disappear for a few days after each one. Nothing personal - I will just need to deal with things in my own way. 

On the flip side to the good things, the angry things. Unfortunately, one of the things that has made me angry I cannot mention in my blog anymore as it upsets someone. Perhaps as it's too close to home and the truth? As I don't know who they are and I only have it as second hand info, however, all I can say is suck it up sunshine and perhaps look a little closer to home. I don't like snitches anyway and by your actions, you have taken something away from this blog which allowed me to get all the anger and resentment out of my mind, allowing me to move on and deal with certain things, Thank you for helping to magnify some of my issues and not being able to deal with them effectively. Thank you for again for your ignorance and lack of tolerance. It won't be forgotten. 

Right, rant over on that one. My second angry thing is the friendship issue. This has been prompted by a post seen today on a social network site. Those people who have fallen away ever since I decided to transition and ever since they have found relationships themselves. I was a good 'friend' when they were single and wanted to go out but once they found someone and I became me, I have been dropped so fast, I didn't have time to blink. Thanks guys. Thanks for your continued support. Thanks for bleeding me dry emotionally, abusing my hospitality and good will.

I'm lucky that I have a good group of friends who have been and are still there for me. They are my true friends. In fact, in some cases, it goes beyond friendship and into family. They get to enjoy the person I am and all that goes with it. The loyalty, the help, the support, even the bad jokes. They are the most important people in my life. They have got me to where I am today. To those who have decided my friendship isn't worth anything, I say Goodbye. Obviously you can't cope with my fabulousness and awesomeness, hence why you've decided you can't be friends with me anymore. If our paths cross, I shall permit a polite hello, but you shall forever only be an acquaintance and we can never have any sort of friendship again. Your time has gone and that ship has sailed. 

And relax. I feel better now. Got it out of my system. Slightly melodramatic perhaps, but gets my point across. I doubt anyone who it's aimed at will ever see it or hear about it, but it needed to be said. I know I've posted recently about friendship but again it has irked me and I needed to vent and say something. Probably a bit more robust this time, but it is very important to me. I'm not needy when it comes to friendship, but I like loyalty and commitment in friendships and it disappoints me when I give and like to nurture friendships and I get nothing back and in the case of these people, ignored and ultimately, dropped. Just shows what kind of people they really are and probably for the best we are not friends. 

I think I've covered everything. Happy and good, check. Sad and angry, check. I've a busy 6 months coming up, spring is here and today, even the sun is shining. Life is ok at the moment and I've a lot to look forward to. I've even written a little article, which is due out next month, on the subject of family and specifically adopted family. It was hard to write, given the subject, but good to share with a wider audience and hopefully make people understand that transitioning isn't all happiness and light, it can have a very deep emotional price in some cases. Having a family is a very special gift in this life, I'm just happy that I have 2 adopted families that have taken me in and make sure I'm ok. Never underestimate the power of having a loving family. It makes life a whole lot easier. (Yes, this is a pointed remark, lets see who gets it).

Time for a happy post. The last 18 months have been mostly doom and gloom, mainly because my life has seemed to lurch from one bad situation to another. These situations have caused me to look ever deeper into myself, my life and those who choose to be in my life. I have made it through, I have kept going and I am still here.

One thing I have learnt is the art of self care. I am the most important person in my life right now, its up to me to make sure I'm happy, contented and sane. Realising this was the game changer for me. Actually concentrating on myself fully and taking control of a situation was the start of the turnaround. Just making sure I took myself out of a very toxic environment and repaired some of the damage caused mentally has got me through another low at the end of 2018.

There were a few highlights last year. One of those was the start of my speech therapy. Four one to one sessions, followed by six group sessions. A very useful course and one of the 'treatments' that I can actually get on with in my own time without waiting for consultants or clinics or appointments. Breaking down how your voice works and how to change it into how I want it to sound like. Giving us the building blocks on which to construct our voice and help our transition.

For me, it has, looking back, been a very positive step for me. Not just for the bare bones of what need to be done to achieve a new voice, but the love and support of a small group of people who know exactly what you're going through and who are all prepared to help each other out when we get down about our voices or are not generally confident in ourselves. It pushed me out of my comfort zone by getting me to act in front of a group of strangers. It got me thinking about how I shouldn't worry about how I'm perceived in the big wide world and it made me more confident as a person. More confident that I can achieve what I want to achieve.

Yesterday, sadly was the last group session. The last time we would all be in the same room (for the foreseeable future...……). I have to say that I was saddened by that. This small group of people who I didn't know from Eve could have such an effect on my life. I always went into each session apprehensive but always came out happy and more confident. We have all agreed to keep in touch and hopefully we will all get together periodically and maybe in smaller groups as and when we can. I hope we can. We are all on our own journeys, but ultimately have the same goal. 

Overall, my work life is more stable, my flat is becoming my home, my sanctuary and those around me are those I want around me. This year is one in which I intend to push myself out of my comfort zone even more, experience new things, people and places. Make new friends and cherish the ones I already have. Those who love me for me, the good and the bad(jokes). I know I don't speak to some of you that often, especially those who live that little bit further away. I still want you in my life and I hope you still want to be in mine. 

This crazy ride still has some way to go. Buckle up people, there's still far more to come...….....xxxx

Time for my first post of 2019. I'm going to start with a review of 2018. A year of few highs and many lows. Many, many lows. The fact I am still here, is to me, a major achievement of 2018. That's right. The spectre of suicide crossed my mind at one point. The thought of even trying to carry on in the face of what as happening seemed too much of an obstacle to overcome. 

You see, I can't take antidepressants. If I'm low, I have to work things out myself. Only I can pull myself out. The problem is, every time I have to pull myself out, It depletes my ability to do so next time. So, this time, I had virtually nothing to work with. I was spent. The tank was empty, the well was dry. What probably saved me, in conjunction with the support of those who know me, was my general inability to actually do anything I said I would. I just couldn't be bothered.

The seeds for this were sown in 2017. My employers inability to deal with a situation effectively, which intensified enormously in 2018, the continued aftermath of my near drowning, the effective abandonment of some of my so called 'friends' combined with the relentless media, both print and social, attacks on the transgender community made for a very hard and punishing year on my physical and mental health. The lack of support from my close blood relatives (I refuse to call them family) always hurts. I want to thank the one member of my blood family who has bothered to contact me recently - it really means a lot to me.

The work situation, at the moment, is better. A new branch and a manager who gets me. Lets me actually do my job. It took drastic action and a couple of months of suffering to gain the momentum to get the wheels in motion to deal with the situation once and for all. I can't say what I want to say, as people from my work read this and if it gets back to the ivory towers, I will get into all sorts of trouble. (Probably will for this, but it shouldn't have got to that point in the first place).

I have come to terms with the loss of friends - their choice and they are the ones missing out. Just to clarify my last post, the dig is at 3 very specific people who don't live very far away from me. About 7 to 8 miles away. It is not directed to anyone else. The rest, sod you. I'm me, this is my life, I'm absolutely fabulous, you're the ones losing out. End of. Only the chosen few stay in my life - hopefully they love me warts and all. I'm a one off, diamond in the rough, extremely loyal, fiercely independent and very loving. I can also be very sarcastic, love puns and innuendo, love tea, chocolate biscuits, worry about getting fat, having small boobs and can get wild mood swings. Anything I've forgotten? Probably. I'm also modest. 

So, what does 2019 have in store? Who knows. I'm taking things as they come at the moment. Practising self care and getting myself straight, both physically and mentally. My health is more important than anything. Then it's surrounding myself with good friends and family (not the blood relative kind). Those who have adopted me as theirs and treat me as such. Those who take me warts and all. People who actually want to talk to me and be their for me. 

Hopefully this is also the year of surgery. Yes folks, 4 years since I initially went to my GP for a referral, I have been referred by the clinic for surgery. (Except that, at the moment, the clinic I have been referred to have no record of it - I am working on this). 4 years of tears, tablets, jumping through hoops, dealing with the NHS and the slooooooooooooow pace of actually getting anything done, as well as coping with my own upheavals. Fingers crossed it actually happens this year. The year my body and mind become one and the same.

I can't guarantee to post frequently or often, if I do, I hope they will be a bit more upbeat and happy than they have been. After all, it is a snapshot of how I am feeling at any given time. I hope the really bad times are behind me now. The only way is up, right? xx

Friendship. A many faced dice with a multitude of results when thrown correctly. 
Something which never ceases to amaze and confound me. It is a subject which recently has made me think and caused me to reflect on who has come into and out of my life in the past few years.

Let me put this into some kind of context. 6 years ago, I was in a completely different situation to the one I am in now. I was a completely different person to the person I am now. My friend group was very different to the one I have today and has changed many times over the past 6 years. Many people have come and gone from my life in that time. A select few have become very, very close friends and are basically my family now. 

What has confounded me is that many of the people who have come and gone, are those who supported my transition at first, but since I started to become me, have completely disappeared from view. Messages and texts go unanswered. Promises of catch ups go unplanned. There has been no interaction from these people at all. The other point about these people, is that I met nearly all of them through one person. 10 people to be exact. I'm not saying that there is a correlation between my transition and this course of events, but...….well...….can you see where I'm coming from?

I know some people move on, or move away and their lives change. I have always strive to maintain friendships (although I know can be bad at it sometimes). I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I will do almost anything for my friends and I am always there for them. Even when I am in a bad place, I will always be there for my fiends should they need me. What annoys me is when that loyalty is abused and not reciprocated. Which has occurred with many of this group. 

Yes, I am hurt that these people seem to take what they want and then disappear from my life. This then has a knock on effect with my future friendships. I become more wary and less inclined to be there for any new friends. I don't tend to open up easily as I don't want to get hurt by getting to close to people and these kinds of people only make it harder for me to open up.

Even some old friends, whom I have known for years and have been there for don't return my messages or make any effort to get in touch anymore. You know who you are. It's time you made the effort to arrange something instead of leaving it to other people all of the time. I get bored of trying to arrange things and getting no response. So, I don't bother anymore. 

The thing I console myself with, is that it's their loss if they don't value my friendship I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but if you can't deal with me at my worst, you will never get to experience me at my best. I am a good, kind and loyal friend if you are good, kind and loyal to me. I need my good friends around me more than ever at the moment. Times are tough for me, mentally and life has been a struggle recently. 

To those who have stuck by me, check up on me when I am low and feed me when I need a bit of TLC, I want to say a huge thank you to you all. You are my greatest strength, an enormous source of help and inspiration and there when I need you. That small band of my closest friends that keep me going and see me at both ends of the spectrum. You get to see me at my best; because you've helped me at my worst. I will never be able to thank you enough for helping through the past few years, even before I started my transition. All I can do is be the best friend I can and be there when you need me. xxxx

Gender Dysphoria. It's been in the media quite a lot recently and I have it. I'm taking steps to deal with it. Well, as fast as the NHS will allow. Some days are better than others and currently, the dysphoria is alive and well and causing me a myriad of issues. 

The last few weeks (probably the last 6 to be exact) have been the toughest I've had to deal with since I started my transition, only I didn't actually realise what it was. It was only today that I had my 'lightbulb' moment. That one moment of clarity. Those feelings I've had and why I've felt in a void. It's that lovely dysphoria, telling me that even though I have the feelings of my chosen gender, actually, you're in the body of your assigned gender at birth. You'll never be your actual gender. You still act like your assigned gender. You still sound like your assigned gender...…..and so on. That niggles away at you, every minute of every hour of every day. 

Dysphoria eats away at you, destroys your hard fought for confidence and steals what happiness you have with yourself. It's chips away at your self belief, making you feel inadequate, worthless and unwanted. It brings in large swathes of self doubt in your ability to 'pass' and achieve your transition and makes you think that it's all pointless and you'll never do it. It strips you of your self worth and pushes you into yourself, hiding from life. It's all consuming and it's like a mist that creeps up on you, slowly, so you don't notice and before you realise, it's all around you and you can't see to get away from it. 

So, add that to the feelings of loneliness and thinking you'll never find anyone, to the adverse reaction to my injection and my 4 week cycle reaching it's peak, meant that I had a breakdown in front of my manager last week. I burst into tears. At the time, I hadn't factored the dysphoria into the equation, but, in hindsight, it was a major contributing factor. To be fair to my manager, they were very good about it and I can't thank them enough for what they did. I won't go into details, but that one act of kindness went a long way.

With all of this going on, I've hidden myself away from the world, other than going to work and a speech therapy appointment. I've wanted to hide away. I didn't want anyone to see me as I didn't feel like, well, me. I felt all wrong. A fraud. In a world I didn't belong to. The dysphoria is still alive and kicking today, but now I have had my 'lightbulb' moment, I can now start to deal with it. I can start to make the changes I need to bring it under control again and hopefully subdue it again for a while. I know a lot of it is in my mind and not true, but it will always be there, long after my transition has ended and it will show it's ugly face every now and again. 

All I can do is try and see the signs and try to deal with it before it envelops me. I am currently making small changes to get myself back on an even keel. There are many layers I have to deal with and restoring my self belief and worth are my priorities. With those, the others should follow. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I am taking it one day, one hour and one minute at a time. xx

It's amazing what a little prick in the bum can achieve. I'm a lot happier since I've had it. It's filled me with happiness. One pump and that liquid was in. There was a little bit of blood afterwards, but not a lot.

Now, I'm guessing some of you are thinking something very naughty right now. Anyone who knows me, knows I can make an innuendo out of anything and the situation I was in lent it self to a multitude of innuendo. The situation in question: My 12 weekly testosterone blocker injection. I have to have it inter muscular, usually in one or t'other buttock. The blood? There is usually a teeny weeny little dribble when the needle comes out. There you go. Nothing naughty about it whatsoever. Shame!

It's amazing how different I feel once the testosterone is blocked again. I can usually feel it wearing off a couple of weeks before it's due. I hate that feeling. It's annoying because I feel all wrong; the testosterone starts to rise again and I don't feel like me. I start to feel male again. That then messes with my head and I start to feel down about my transition, even though I know the next injection is due. It seems to have been worse this time for some reason. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't feel that female at the moment. I don't know what I feel really. I'm in a bit of a void. Work is a lot better now and I'm finally getting my home together. I just have an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and numbness. Possibly coming up to Christmas is having it's usual effect on me. No immediate blood relatives around (I'm not using the word family as that denotes some form of contact) and no significant other, takes it's toll on my ability to feel anything towards anyone else. 

It could the anti climax to the year I've had at work. Now everything has been sorted out, things are easier. I know what I have to achieve and I have a manager who seems to get my work ethic and uses my skill set accordingly. Early days, but it looks hopeful. 

I know I've probably said a lot of this stuff before in previous posts, but the further I am in my transition, the more I think about the future and what that future holds. Transitioning is non negotiable. That has never been in question. It's definitely been the right decision. It's cost me my closest blood relatives and a few friends who have just distanced themselves since I announced my transition even though they seemed very supportive. It just gets difficult when you want that little bit of physical contact from someone, that cuddle to say 'Hey, things are going to be OK. You'll be fine.'

I'll survive. I'll get over it again. I'll just end up cuddling the pillow as per usual. The cycle will come round in a few months and hit me again. Probably just before my next prick in the bum...…………xx

Just a quick post. Something someone said tonight, albeit a throwaway comment, hopefully, is currently going round and round my brain and stopping me from sleeping.

At first I just laughed about it, but it actually hurt me. The phrase in question: You don't matter. Context: watching fireworks, 11 year old hiding behind me as they didn't want to get hit by any debris. My friends family have taken me in as a 'foundling' as my own immediate family don't want anything to do with me. So, put the two together and it kinda hurts.

I know that from experience that kids will just say what they do without a filter as they don't always know the full facts or are not yet fully self aware. I have to apply the benefit of the doubt here, as it was probably not intentional, but it does make me feel like an interloper and fuels my feelings of loneliness and feelings of being unloved.

I'll get over it, I always do. However, each time something like this happens, a little piece of me disappears and that exterior becomes ever so slightly harder to break open.