Friendship. A many faced dice with a multitude of results when thrown correctly. 
Something which never ceases to amaze and confound me. It is a subject which recently has made me think and caused me to reflect on who has come into and out of my life in the past few years.

Let me put this into some kind of context. 6 years ago, I was in a completely different situation to the one I am in now. I was a completely different person to the person I am now. My friend group was very different to the one I have today and has changed many times over the past 6 years. Many people have come and gone from my life in that time. A select few have become very, very close friends and are basically my family now. 

What has confounded me is that many of the people who have come and gone, are those who supported my transition at first, but since I started to become me, have completely disappeared from view. Messages and texts go unanswered. Promises of catch ups go unplanned. There has been no interaction from these people at all. The other point about these people, is that I met nearly all of them through one person. 10 people to be exact. I'm not saying that there is a correlation between my transition and this course of events, but...….well...….can you see where I'm coming from?

I know some people move on, or move away and their lives change. I have always strive to maintain friendships (although I know can be bad at it sometimes). I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I will do almost anything for my friends and I am always there for them. Even when I am in a bad place, I will always be there for my fiends should they need me. What annoys me is when that loyalty is abused and not reciprocated. Which has occurred with many of this group. 

Yes, I am hurt that these people seem to take what they want and then disappear from my life. This then has a knock on effect with my future friendships. I become more wary and less inclined to be there for any new friends. I don't tend to open up easily as I don't want to get hurt by getting to close to people and these kinds of people only make it harder for me to open up.

Even some old friends, whom I have known for years and have been there for don't return my messages or make any effort to get in touch anymore. You know who you are. It's time you made the effort to arrange something instead of leaving it to other people all of the time. I get bored of trying to arrange things and getting no response. So, I don't bother anymore. 

The thing I console myself with, is that it's their loss if they don't value my friendship I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but if you can't deal with me at my worst, you will never get to experience me at my best. I am a good, kind and loyal friend if you are good, kind and loyal to me. I need my good friends around me more than ever at the moment. Times are tough for me, mentally and life has been a struggle recently. 

To those who have stuck by me, check up on me when I am low and feed me when I need a bit of TLC, I want to say a huge thank you to you all. You are my greatest strength, an enormous source of help and inspiration and there when I need you. That small band of my closest friends that keep me going and see me at both ends of the spectrum. You get to see me at my best; because you've helped me at my worst. I will never be able to thank you enough for helping through the past few years, even before I started my transition. All I can do is be the best friend I can and be there when you need me. xxxx

Gender Dysphoria. It's been in the media quite a lot recently and I have it. I'm taking steps to deal with it. Well, as fast as the NHS will allow. Some days are better than others and currently, the dysphoria is alive and well and causing me a myriad of issues. 

The last few weeks (probably the last 6 to be exact) have been the toughest I've had to deal with since I started my transition, only I didn't actually realise what it was. It was only today that I had my 'lightbulb' moment. That one moment of clarity. Those feelings I've had and why I've felt in a void. It's that lovely dysphoria, telling me that even though I have the feelings of my chosen gender, actually, you're in the body of your assigned gender at birth. You'll never be your actual gender. You still act like your assigned gender. You still sound like your assigned gender...…..and so on. That niggles away at you, every minute of every hour of every day. 

Dysphoria eats away at you, destroys your hard fought for confidence and steals what happiness you have with yourself. It's chips away at your self belief, making you feel inadequate, worthless and unwanted. It brings in large swathes of self doubt in your ability to 'pass' and achieve your transition and makes you think that it's all pointless and you'll never do it. It strips you of your self worth and pushes you into yourself, hiding from life. It's all consuming and it's like a mist that creeps up on you, slowly, so you don't notice and before you realise, it's all around you and you can't see to get away from it. 

So, add that to the feelings of loneliness and thinking you'll never find anyone, to the adverse reaction to my injection and my 4 week cycle reaching it's peak, meant that I had a breakdown in front of my manager last week. I burst into tears. At the time, I hadn't factored the dysphoria into the equation, but, in hindsight, it was a major contributing factor. To be fair to my manager, they were very good about it and I can't thank them enough for what they did. I won't go into details, but that one act of kindness went a long way.

With all of this going on, I've hidden myself away from the world, other than going to work and a speech therapy appointment. I've wanted to hide away. I didn't want anyone to see me as I didn't feel like, well, me. I felt all wrong. A fraud. In a world I didn't belong to. The dysphoria is still alive and kicking today, but now I have had my 'lightbulb' moment, I can now start to deal with it. I can start to make the changes I need to bring it under control again and hopefully subdue it again for a while. I know a lot of it is in my mind and not true, but it will always be there, long after my transition has ended and it will show it's ugly face every now and again. 

All I can do is try and see the signs and try to deal with it before it envelops me. I am currently making small changes to get myself back on an even keel. There are many layers I have to deal with and restoring my self belief and worth are my priorities. With those, the others should follow. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I am taking it one day, one hour and one minute at a time. xx

It's amazing what a little prick in the bum can achieve. I'm a lot happier since I've had it. It's filled me with happiness. One pump and that liquid was in. There was a little bit of blood afterwards, but not a lot.

Now, I'm guessing some of you are thinking something very naughty right now. Anyone who knows me, knows I can make an innuendo out of anything and the situation I was in lent it self to a multitude of innuendo. The situation in question: My 12 weekly testosterone blocker injection. I have to have it inter muscular, usually in one or t'other buttock. The blood? There is usually a teeny weeny little dribble when the needle comes out. There you go. Nothing naughty about it whatsoever. Shame!

It's amazing how different I feel once the testosterone is blocked again. I can usually feel it wearing off a couple of weeks before it's due. I hate that feeling. It's annoying because I feel all wrong; the testosterone starts to rise again and I don't feel like me. I start to feel male again. That then messes with my head and I start to feel down about my transition, even though I know the next injection is due. It seems to have been worse this time for some reason. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't feel that female at the moment. I don't know what I feel really. I'm in a bit of a void. Work is a lot better now and I'm finally getting my home together. I just have an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and numbness. Possibly coming up to Christmas is having it's usual effect on me. No immediate blood relatives around (I'm not using the word family as that denotes some form of contact) and no significant other, takes it's toll on my ability to feel anything towards anyone else. 

It could the anti climax to the year I've had at work. Now everything has been sorted out, things are easier. I know what I have to achieve and I have a manager who seems to get my work ethic and uses my skill set accordingly. Early days, but it looks hopeful. 

I know I've probably said a lot of this stuff before in previous posts, but the further I am in my transition, the more I think about the future and what that future holds. Transitioning is non negotiable. That has never been in question. It's definitely been the right decision. It's cost me my closest blood relatives and a few friends who have just distanced themselves since I announced my transition even though they seemed very supportive. It just gets difficult when you want that little bit of physical contact from someone, that cuddle to say 'Hey, things are going to be OK. You'll be fine.'

I'll survive. I'll get over it again. I'll just end up cuddling the pillow as per usual. The cycle will come round in a few months and hit me again. Probably just before my next prick in the bum...…………xx

Just a quick post. Something someone said tonight, albeit a throwaway comment, hopefully, is currently going round and round my brain and stopping me from sleeping.

At first I just laughed about it, but it actually hurt me. The phrase in question: You don't matter. Context: watching fireworks, 11 year old hiding behind me as they didn't want to get hit by any debris. My friends family have taken me in as a 'foundling' as my own immediate family don't want anything to do with me. So, put the two together and it kinda hurts.

I know that from experience that kids will just say what they do without a filter as they don't always know the full facts or are not yet fully self aware. I have to apply the benefit of the doubt here, as it was probably not intentional, but it does make me feel like an interloper and fuels my feelings of loneliness and feelings of being unloved.

I'll get over it, I always do. However, each time something like this happens, a little piece of me disappears and that exterior becomes ever so slightly harder to break open.

I was going to write this post last night, but, as I was somewhat under the influence of alcohol and very tired, it was probably a good job I didn't. It is somewhat linked to my transition, but it is something which, yesterday, really annoyed me. 

Transitioning has taught me one very valuable skill - Patience. You have to be very patient waiting for things to happen. Whether that be appointments to go to, funding to be in place, therapy to go to they all take time to materialise. Couple that with the very slow pace of change physically, patience is something I now have plenty of. 

This has now carried over into my work. I was recently advised that, due to the flat structure of my employer, the likelihood of me progressing up the chain are minimal. For years I have known this and for years this has been a major source of annoyance. However, over the past few years, give or take the odd 'issue' at work, which has now been dealt with, I have learned to take this issue in my stride. Patience. If I have little chance of progressing, I have to be the best I can be, so when that opportunity does arrive, I can be ready to go for it.

My life isn't perfect, far from it. But, if something is wrong or isn't going well, only I can change it. Only I can see what need to be done to improve things and move forward. I have learned not to just stand around moaning about things and saying nothing is ever going to change. Things happen in our lives which may or may not be right, but we have to dust ourselves off, put them down to experience and use that experience to move forward. People get too focused on events which have happened and they have no control over. 

These events still affect their lives long after they have happened. They get bogged down in them until they are all consuming. I'm guilty of it in the past. I also learned that I was wasting valuable time on something which I couldn't change and that wouldn't change. I was better off putting that time to something constructive and moving forward. The past is the past and it's something I cannot change. I can change my future though and I can do that by staying positive and being the best version of me that I can be. 

In essence, you have to be patient with life. Thins don't always happen overnight, but things can and will change. You have to make them happen. Focusing on the past is futile. Use that energy to make changes that will improve you. Those improvements will help you to move forward. Standing around moaning to others not only brings you down, but those around you. I have to walk away when people moan about their lot, but won't let go of the past or push themselves to improve their lot. When they pull others down with them with their negative views. It frustrates me, when I am trying to be positive, with everything I have and have had to put up with in the media and at work. 

Those of you who know me best, know how hard life has been for me and for me, I am immensely proud of where I am mentally at this point. The loneliness is hard, the persecution of transgender people in the media is hard and the general fear of any kind of abuse when out in public is a real and constant fear. However, I try to remain positive, upbeat and happy and with my work issues being sorted, I am the most positive I have been for a while. I try to spread a little positivity and make people smile where I can. I don't waste my time looking back on what if's. That's happened, that time has gone. I put my energy into my future. Some people around me need to do the same.

Here endeth the lesson.

What makes a woman, a woman? What makes a female, a female? Why are transgender people constantly having to justify their existence? Why should anyone have to justify their existence?
Questions. So many questions. My validity as a person is constantly being questioned. Not by my friends I hasten to add, but by certain sections of the public at large. My rights as a person are constantly being questioned by a small minority of bigoted people at the moment. The fact that I wasn't born with the right 'equipment' at birth, precludes me from ever being the true me. The real me. 

Well, they're right. I wasn't born with the right equipment. I was given the wrong equipment. Nature sometimes gets it wrong. The 'equipment' I have has always felt alien to me. Through the marvels of modern medicine, I can go some way to having the right 'equipment'. Hormones and surgery to be precise. However, it's not just having the right 'equipment', is it. Yes, I will have the physical appearance of a adult female, but it's also the feelings, thoughts and emotions that complete me as a woman. 

Growing up, I was always a little more emotional than others with the same 'equipment'. I wasn't into war games, football or the rough and tumble as was advocated by genetics and the public perception of how I should act. It never sat with me 100%. So, I just got on with it. Carried on growing up as I was. Never being truly happy with myself, but believing that that was it. This slightly weird and awkwardly shy person. When puberty hit and my body started to develop due to the hormones it was given, I would look at the opposite gender and wonder why my body wasn't developing like that. 

Then life events happened. Early 1990's. Family issues. That's when I found crossdressing. That's when these feelings that I had suddenly started to make sense. That difference in my brain and my heart as opposed to my physical appearance. Becoming the opposite to my actual life. I felt, well, happy. I felt right for those few short hours. Fast forward 20 years. Another life event. The suggestion, after a few hours of conversation that perhaps I should try crossdressing again. So I did. All those suppressed feelings and emotions came bubbling back to the surface and things started to make sense again. The differences, the wanting of my body to suddenly morph into the right one with the right 'equipment'.

The me that grew up was quiet and awkward because I wasn't my true self. My body presented itself to the world as the wrong person as the inside was having to portray itself as that person. The emotions, feelings and thoughts that I have now are very far removed from that person. I can show my emotions freely, I can think as I want to think and I can feel what I want to feel. No hiding, no acting. To me, this is a major part of me being me. It's not just about what 'equipment' I have, but what makes me tick. What I feel. How I act. What I want. 

It's the little things like dying my hair, crying at sad films, getting excited for weddings, wearing the clothes I've always wanted to, listening to the music I want to, using the right toilets and actually being me. Being transgender isn't a choice for me. It is me. It always has been me. Being born in the wrong body and now going through my transition makes me transgender, but it doesn't mean that I haven't always been a woman or female. I will always be a transgender woman or transgender female. No one is going to deny me my existence or question my validity. I am a human being, therefore I am valid. I exist. I am here. 

I want to thank everyone who has been on my transition journey with me and continues to support me. I have now been living full time for 2 years now and although there have been some very hard times lately, things are looking better. The end is in sight, but I still have a long way to go. Life isn't always easy and I have to constantly be on my guard when out, but I would never go back to my old life. The good far outweighs the bad. xxxx

Now, usually, my clothing consists of either my uniform, or jean shorts and a t shirt. However, in the last two weeks, I've had a funeral and a course where business dress was the dress code. An actual requirement to dress and look vaguely smart. Neat hair, make up and accessories. Not just getting dressed in my usual robotic way and slapping on some lippy and mascara. 

It's been a while since I've had to get dressed up and make more of an effort than usual. Not just for a night out either. Probably a wedding last year to be exact. To be honest, I'm a little out of practice on the make up front. I haven't worn a full face since June last year. Luckily, it is like riding a bike, without stabilisers, on an icy road, with a headwind...……..

I would have given a scarecrow a run for their money. Well, that's my opinion. It wasn't awful, but, not my best. I think this means that I need to go out more. More nights out. Probably. No, make that definitely. ( It won't happen as I am prone to procrastination and I am a home girl at heart). So, make up sorted. Now, the outfit. I do have a smart black skirt. M&S don't you know and a couple of smart blouses. My favourite top ever is my white flowery blouse from Wallis. Perfect. Put them together with my pair of low heeled shoes and the outfit is almost ready.

Finally, we have the accessories and the hair. Now, my hair is quite long now. Over three years of growth. After years of having really, really short hair, I love it. Although, I'm not very confident when it comes to styling it. It's either in a ponytail, clipped up or on the rare occasion, plaited. For the funeral, I thought I'd try something different. Nothing drastic or difficult, just different. I'd washed it the night before and plaited it, so, when I got up and took the plaits out, it had dried wavy. I decided to wear it down for the day. 

I changed the parting a little, took a bit from one side, tucked it behind my ear, used a flower clip to hold it back and there it was. Something different and something I could do without much difficulty.

Hair done, now the accessories. Not too OTT, but not too non descript. Once chosen and adorned, Voila! A vaguely smart woman was born. 

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Was that really me? Three years ago, I would have been in a suit and tie, short hair and looking totally out of place. Now, I felt, well, normal. I saw me in that mirror. The inside me was now the outside me. I know I say this a lot, but it's those quick snapshots of yourself in the mirror that make me realise that I am a woman, I 'pass' (a horrid phrase, but the best way I can describe the feeling) and that all that effort is worth it. Not just the effort on the day, but all the highs and lows of my transition. The hormones, the anguish, the knocks, the strain on my mental health. That one look in the mirror makes it all worth it. 

The same happened this week. Same outfit yesterday and different blouse today. Hair was up this time as had to be more business like. Another new situation to be in. I've been on work courses already during my transition, but never in business dress. Smart casual or smart is the usual dress code. (Yes, there is a difference between smart and business). Again, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and felt the same sense of achievement again. 

I am happier in my body, more than ever before. I still compare myself to other women - lets face it, we all do. However, I know I'm never going to be, sexy, svelte or attractive, but I am who I am. A slightly overweight forty something year old woman who will probably end up with fifteen cats and a 10 bar a day chocolate habit. I have to be a realist. OK, maybe 15 bars a day and an addiction to cups of tea...…….

Yet again, certain media outlets and certain sections of society are trying to erase my existence. So, not only do I live in constant fear of abuse, I also have to read and watch whilst I am told I don't really exist or I'm just a man in a dress. I will never be a woman, I will always have male privilege and I want to push Cis women aside and attack them whenever I use 'their' facilities. So, basically, I'm a big fat liar who plays at dressing up.

Well, sorry to disappoint you. Admitting to myself that I was born in the wrong body has been a 25 year journey. A journey of, to be frank, absolute hell at times. The feeling of growing up in the wrong body and having to conform to that body, when really, your subconscious is telly you that something isn't right. The wanting to literally be someone else, to be free to be myself constantly eating away at you. Living a lie. 

Ever since I started my transition, I have felt freedom to be myself like never before. My life makes sense now. I feel right. From my head to my toes and everything else in between. I'm not a man in a dress; I am a woman. My body is starting to match the feelings my mind and heart have always felt. 
I have never felt I've had male privilege as it didn't resonate with me. I've always had to fight my corner and to be heard. I notice male privilege more now, so perhaps I was afforded it but never realised. 

When it comes to facilities, i.e. Toilets, there is one reason and one reason only that I use them. Newsflash! I need to go to the toilet. Nothing more, nothing less. Same as each and every one of you.
Changing rooms in shops. I want to try stuff on. I also eat, drink, sleep, cry, love and think just like every other human being. I am a human being first and foremost.

All of this 'discussion' about my existence is quite basically a load of crap. I am here, I exist, I am living my life, paying my bills, doing most of the things I want to do. Life is harder in some ways now and that is the price I'm having to pay for being true to myself. From the constant fear of abuse, the everyday onslaught of my right to exist, to finding that special someone to share my life with. My mental health has sustained enormous damage over the past year. I amaze myself that I'm still able to function most days. The temptation to shut off the world around me is huge given everything I have and I am dealing with. But I don't. I am stronger than the bullies, the populist and scaremongering media and the narrow minded sections of society. I am stronger than the people who deny my right to exist. 

I AM HERE! I am living my life, my way, in my own time. I am a Woman. I am Female. That's how I feel. That's how I've always felt.

Happiness. Never underestimate it's healing powers or it's ability to lift your mood. It is something that has been in short supply for me over the past year. The odd glimmer here and there but mostly there has been the cloak of sadness and the hat of depression. There have been a few developments in my life which have lifted the hat and taken off the coat for the time being and if all goes to plan, I can at least pack them away for a while.

After spending 3 weeks off of work, I have been, albeit, temporarily moved to a different branch. My position had become untenable, through no fault of my own. So, due to the life changing year I have coming up, I don't need that kind of stress in an already quite stressful life. So far, things are a lot better. It has improved my mental health, my physical fitness and my confidence. I have a manager who is using my skill set and colleagues who will actually speak to me. I'm actually enjoying work again. Hopefully, long term I will get to stay either in this branch, or one of the other local branches.

Being in another branch at the moment is a good thing as I no longer have a car. My automobile has gone to the salvage yard after being written off. I only had a low speed bump, less than 5mph and on the basis of 4 photos, my insurance company have paid out. I was thinking of getting rid of it anyway as I didn't need one so big. (Oooh-err missus!) Decision made then. As I am getting the bus into work, the car was just sitting there anyway. Depending on the branch I end up in will also make my decision as to if I replace the car. The benefits at the moment outweigh the drawbacks. Improving my fitness by more walking, my mental health by less stress from driving and my bank balance by no incidental motoring costs.

I'm looking forward to two weeks off next month. This time, I won't have to worry about going back and can enjoy them. My first Speech Therapy group session is in those two weeks and I am planning a bit of an image change. No details, you'll just have to wait for the photos. Time to enjoy life again and look forward to what is coming up in the next 12 months. There is a long way to go, but I'm feeling more confident that I can make the changes needed to get to my goals. Wish me luck!

After yesterdays musings, now it's time for an actual update on how everything is going on a daily basis. The diary of my transition is the title of this blog so it's only right I keep you all updated. So, here goes...…

The physical effects of the hormone therapy have levelled out at the moment. My body has changed shape; my skin is softer; I am developing a (small) chest and putting on weight around my thighs and hips. I have put on a bit of weight generally around my middle which I will need to shift at some point. I am also vitamin D deficient again. More tablets. Up to 7 a day now.However, I need to deal with another issue before I really get into that. I am currently undergoing speech therapy and I am due to start electrolysis (finally) at some point. Still having to shave every day is a huge chore. 

Mentally, I'm in a slightly low place at the moment. Major issues at work have pulled me down. I can't go any further into this as it's still ongoing. It has caused me to seek time off of work as it and still is affecting me physically as well. I am suffering from a loss of confidence and with the issues in yesterdays post, they have pushed me down.

On the plus side, however, I have currently been discharged from the care of the consultant at the clinic and have been referred for surgery - I am currently awaiting my first outpatients appointment. Hopefully, this time next year, I will be in the recovery phase of my transition. There's still along way to go before that happens; weight loss/BMI reduction and more electrolysis due to past operations. I shall explain all another time.

What is next? Firstly, improving my mental health. That's the priority. I'm lucky that I've had a good group of people around me recently that have been looking out for me and keeping me relatively sane. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done recently - I really appreciate it. Secondly, weight loss and exercise. My BMI and waist measurement have to be within certain parameters to be eligible for surgery. I've come this far and don't want to have any more holdups in treatment. 

So, that's where I am. Still plenty of hoops to jump through, things to do, weight to lose and issues to solve. Fingers crossed xx

My name is Danielle. If you want to put a label on me, use Transgender Female. I prefer Human Being myself. Why? I am a Human Being, first and foremost. My gender should not come into the equation, however, it does. You may ask yourself; 'If your gender doesn't matter, then why are you putting yourself through the process of changing it?' It's a question I have asked myself many times over the past few years. Why am I putting myself through all of the aggravation, pain and mental health issues? 

I have for many years now, known that I am my own person. Whether other people like that person is entirely up to them. I am fiercely independent, know what I like and dislike, a good listener, sometimes be very annoying and tells crap jokes. That essentially makes me, well, me. So why am I going through the transition from changing my 'assigned at birth' gender to another? To align my mind and heart with the body I should have had. Lets face it, there are many gender markers out there, but 2 basic body types. Those with dangly bits for genitalia and those with non dangly bits for genitalia. Those with developed mammary glands and those without. I an correcting what mother nature got wrong and putting my brain and heart in the right body shape for their feelings. 

Now recently, there has been a lot of media attention regarding the rights of transgender people, not just in the US but right here in Blighty. Only last weekend, a group of transphobic people from the LGBTQ+ community hijacked the pride parade in London hurling their transphobic propaganda out to the crowd. (Excuse me if I sound biased, but, well, you can see why.) You see, this very small minority of people claim that I will never be a woman and therefore, shouldn't be included into that sphere. 'You can't just have an operation and be a woman. You will never know what it's like to grow up as a woman and go through all that a woman has to go through. You shouldn't be allowed into Female spaces during transition either.' (Please note the use of Woman in their argument as opposed to Female.)

This is very true. I never will know what it is like to grow up as a woman. However, I have grown up in the wrong body (Male) and lived with my internal struggle for about 25 years. Puberty the first time around was bad enough as I wished for my body to be different and that I'd one day wake up with a female body. I spent a lot of my years from 8 to 16 being bullied for being a bit different and not getting involved in sports or playing with traditionally boys toys. As soon as I could, I started dressing in secret as female and knew instantly that I felt more at ease with myself.  It just felt right.

I went through my own growing up cycle, trying to come to terms with my own issues whilst trying to become an adult, make job decisions and outwardly appear as people wanted me to appear due to the gender I was assigned at birth. I even got married. Those feelings were still there, in the furthest recesses of my brain. So, no, I didn't grow up as a woman, but I had a feeling that I was female from an early age and had to grow up with that and thinking that I would be in the wrong body for the rest of my life.

Luckily, I am in a position to change that. This does come with it's own plethora of issues, hoops to jump through and anguish to contend with. Long waiting lists for treatment, the stares, funny looks, feelings of dread and fear when in public that you might get some physical or verbal abuse. My one overriding fear, day in and day out, is the fear of the abuse. Every time I go out, use public toilets, use public transport, I fear that someone will say or do something. If I go into a female toilet, even though I know that I identify as female and I am legally entitled to be there, I fear someone taking offence at my presence when all I want to do is use the loo. I identify as female, my brain says I identify as female and my heart definitely says I'm female. 

I don't feel male at all and any last vestiges of my assigned maleness have almost gone. Some won't go completely - they will be the parts that make me who I am. That's the point of all this. I am me. A human being. Who has the right to deny me my basic human rights? All I want in life is to be comfortable in my own skin, earn money, have a nice home and nice things, be happy and find someone to be with. The same as 99% of the people on this planet. I just want to live as me, in the right body, liking and disliking what I like, listening to the music I like and telling my crap jokes. Please?

Finally, a bit of sunshine and warmth after the wind, show and cold weather. The lighter mornings and evenings are also an added bonus. It helps lift the mood, doesn't it? It's good timing as things are starting to look better for me, mentally. The couple of months of enforced solitude and my own company are starting to pay dividends. Apart from some pre arranged events, I haven't been anywhere special or seen many people. 

The flip side of this, is that I have really neglected some friendships. Totally my fault and my problem to try to rectify. In a past life, I truly put others before myself. However, since my transition began, I have had to become more self centred and that has been, sometimes, to the detriment of some friendships. It's an alien concept for me, which sometimes envelops me with guilt. Then I get frightened of dealing with it, just in case of a negative reaction. A catch 22 scenario. 

My life is still in a state of flux and will be for a while to come. I am still finding myself in some ways. After 30+ years of not being truly who I should have been, it's not going to be a quick and easy process. Some things will never change, like my taste in music, (Hey, I like my euro pop and French house music), love of food (hence the weight gain), bad jokes (puns are fun, I'll have you know) and walks along the beach. It's my outlook on life and how I deal with things that are changing. Working out what is important and what isn't, has been liberating. Things or situations that I perceived as being important have become less important and visa versa.

For me, it's the puberty I never really had as a teenager. Due to numerous situations at the time, I never really did the things a typical teenager did. I bypassed all the usual social, mental and physical rights of passage and went into full time work as a necessity. To an extent, I have had a very sheltered life - no alcohol until I was 18, never tried any kind of drugs (due to being on long term medication), as for losing my (old) virginity...............! I never really found what I really liked, loathed, loved or wanted from life. I just sort of existed. Days turned into months, months into years. It just took a couple of major life events to push me in  the right direction.

Right now, this week, some of the main things I'm worried about are my hair (really need to style it, but not sure what to do), getting beach fit for the summer (really need to lose that weight now) and wondering if I'm ever going to find that special someone.......(it's a little bit more tricky than you think for me). It may seem superficial to some people and it probably is, given some of the other things I should be dealing with, but, these are all new things for me to worry about and part of me finding myself. So there!

Medically, or to be exact, vocally, I had my re-arranged speech therapy appointment cancelled. Luckily, it was before I had made my way to the clinic. It has now been scheduled for next month - fingers crossed it now goes ahead. I already have a consultant's appointment that day, so at least it won't be a wasted journey. My voice is the one thing that I feel lets me down the most, other than having to scrape my face everyday (razor blades and shaving gel are expensive if you want decent stuff).

There are a few things I have to do everyday, just to look vaguely human and not attract too much attention/just pass. Extra pieces of underwear here, face scraping there, slightly more attention to detail on some other things. It's become second nature to me now, but I'll be glad when I don't have to do some of it anymore. Would I change it? Never. It's part of who I am becoming and it shouldn't be forever. That's one thing you can be certain of. I am here to stay. xx

Sunday 1st April 2018
1 Year on Hormone Therapy (just)
Current Mood is Reflective and Determined

I am finally getting used to my own company again. It's been like pressing the reset button on my life. It's given me a chance to reflect on where I am and where I am going. I seem to have lost myself over the past year with everything that has happened and just stepping back a little has given me the chance to see things a little clearer and to clear away some of the detritus that has accumulated recently.

The hormone therapy is finally changing me into the person I want to be, physically. I can see how my body is changing and evolving into a more feminine one. The only downside is the weight gain. I was told the average is a 9lb increase; I've somehow managed to put on at least double that! I am putting some of that down to comfort eating/lack of exercise and given events over the past year, It's understandable. So I am now determined to lose the weight and bring my BMI back down. Long term, I need to shift it if I am to move onto the next stage of my transition; surgery. 

Mentally, however, I have struggled to move forward and there are times in which I feel I have moved backwards to the person I am getting away from. For all the good points on the physical side, the hormones have had an effect on the mental side. I had to find my way again and focus on me and who I am. So a period of reflection and introspection has been very refreshing and needed. I have been able to straighten my head out and look to where I am going more clearly again and who I am becoming. Clearing certain things, processes and people out of my life is having a positive effect. A life laundry as it were. Even at work, I am adopting a new attitude - I'm there to work and nothing more.

Some good things have happened recently. I finally have my new passport (yay!) and I have new exam certificates. They may not seem like much, but my new passport has my new name AND new gender marker and the new certificates will be useful when I finally look for another job. I am also starting my speech therapy, finally. After a false start last month, I have my first full session this week. This is the one physical thing I can't change through any other means than practice. It's another piece of the jigsaw that is finally slotting into place. More bits of my old life are being erased and consigned to the bin. That person is fading further and further into the distance, never to return.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why. I'm just regrouping, resetting and grounding myself. 

I'm going to rename the blog, for this week at least, 'The Hormonal rantings of a Trans Woman or the musings of a Pubescent Adult Female.' I think that will adequately describe what I am about to write about. If you haven't already guessed, it will involve hormones, emotions, sensations and my body trying and succeeding to trick me.

Although I have mentioned this before, here is a brief overview of what I am currently experiencing.  A combination of Estrogen and a testosterone suppressant is helping to physically change my body. A body ravaged by years of testosterone. It changes my physical appearance, redistributing the fat to create a more feminine shape, develops breast tissue, softens the skin and reduces body hair growth. The change in my hormonal balance has also changed the way I see and experience life, especially emotionally, namely a greater range of emotional experience, greater mood swings, more empathy and a change in the way I view the world. My struggles with my mental health have been well documented already - they are still ongoing.

When I started my hormone therapy, I did start to fall into a 28 day cycle. Feeling emotional; wanting to kill and then wanting to cry and then feeling unwell; headaches and overwhelming desire to sleep.
I went through a couple of these cycles until my dosage was increased. Then, nothing. Maybe the odd week of PMS, the odd few days of headaches straight after, but generally, not too many bad weeks. That was until last week. The week my body thought it would be fun to experiment with this cycle and completely throw me off guard.

(By the way, I'm making a cup of tea whilst writing this and have committed the cardinal sin of putting in the milk before the hot water. I hang my head in eternal shame.) My last increase in dosage was last December. 8mg of Estrogen. No real issues with the increase, I thought I'd got away with it again. All was good until the beginning of last week. My PMS started. Mood swings, mainly anger and irritability. Fine, I thought, no biggie. Then, on Sunday, my body decided that I needed to experience some of the pain that comes during the menstruation stage.

I know I don't possess the correct physical attributes to accurately experience the pain of this phase of the cycle, but my body gave me back ache, a cramping sensation, intense headaches, sore breasts and wanting to eat my own (increasing) body weight in food. It gradually got worse on Monday. I had been feeling grotty at work and the cramping had got worse during the day. Getting home was a struggle, between the headaches and the back pain. It resulted in me curled up on the sofa, under a blanket with a hot water bottle. Even the then, the pain was only subdued. 

The combination of everything was unlike anything I have experienced before. To all you genetic females out there, I now have a small insight into what you have to go through and I have the greatest respect for you all. You are all amazing. For me, it's all part of my transition and something that I may have to get used to. I'm only just getting used to the mood swings! I went to bed, still cuddling the now lukewarm hot water bottle in search of some relief. Luckily, I was off on Tuesday, but, unluckily, I had to be up early. 

Tuesday, however, was a new day and my body had decided that I'd had enough pain for a couple of days and let me wake up feeling marginally better. I was up early as I had my appointment with my GP for my 12 week check up. A transition MOT check. The good news is my Estrogen count is where it needs to be and the bad news is my weight gain. 20lb since last June!! I expected a little bit, due to the fat redistribution, but not that much. OK, perhaps there is a little comfort eating in there, but that's quite a lot in just over 6 months. So, I have been advised to exercise a bit more, watch what I eat a bit more and generally keep an eye on it. 

Someone has asked me if I regret the decision I took over 2 years ago, to go through all of this. Even with the pain. mood swings, constant appointments and all that goes with transitioning. My answer - not one little bit. It's part of who I am and who I'm becoming. It's the person inside me finally emerging from the assigned gender to which I was given at birth. Puberty as an adult is hard, really hard. However, given my bodily changes and my new lease of life, ultimately worth it. 

It's that time of year when I have to change one of the numbers in my age. Yes, I am now a year older. Another year of life under my belt, another year of self discovery. Quite a rollercoaster of a year as well. Many downs and a few ups. Enough of all that though. It's time to move on and look forward to this year and all it promises.

Since Christmas, I have thought long and hard about my life and about how I feel about myself. I have had periods of self doubt in the past that I will never be able to pass or be able to be myself. However, a few things have recently fallen into place that have given me a real shot in the arm and confidence in myself and my perception to other people.

The first event was on Christmas eve. Having my hair plaited. Yes, it's now long enough to have plaits in. My friends daughter had been wanting to do it for ages and as I was staying there over Christmas, it seemed the perfect time to have it done. On Christmas day itself, the next event happened. My friends daughter had also bought me a onesie for Christmas. So, on Christmas night, she had the idea of us wearing our onesies whilst wearing facemasks. Of course, I jumped at the idea! So, there we were, Christmas night, wearing our onesies, in facemasks and plaited hair. Absolute bliss. I absolutely loved it.

For me, it was confirmation that this was how it should have been all those years ago. Instead of being forced to do the things of my assigned (at birth) gender, I was now doing something I should have been doing. I felt like a proper teenage girl. That was the best Christmas present I've had for a long time. Something so simple that has such an enormous impact.

Those little things, combined with the events from my last post and a few comments that have been made to me recently, have really changed the way I am feeling about myself. Comments like 'You have the most female mind I know' and comments on the changes to my face structure and voice have changed the way I am carrying myself and projecting myself to the world. My body changes, my reflection in the mirror - how I see myself are all coming together to make me feel better about myself. 

This has carried into my birthday week. A week of going here, there and everywhere. From a birthday meal (all cooked from scratch), to spa treatments (a yoga/Beatles inspired treatment), to birthday lunches at large department stores and onto a London stage show, via lunch with very good friends and their little one, a night at the dogs, and catching up with friends I hadn't seen for a few months, it was a whirlwind week. Thank you to everyone for a wonderful week, whether I saw you for hours or minutes, you made my week.

Believe it or not, I am shy. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still get anxious before I go somewhere new or meet new people. It is especially heightened because of my transition as I do have to be on my guard whenever I am out of my home, just in case someone says something or does something to me. That being said, I can't live my life behind closed doors and I have to push my boundaries by doing new things and going to new places. Either on my own or with people, I have to do it. I'm just trying to live my life. Just like everyone else. 

I'm hoping to finally get a holiday this year. It's in the planning stages at the moment, but a trip abroad is looking likely. The sunny Costa Blanca beckons towards the end of summer. Got to get my passport first though. This in itself will be another confidence boost. My first passport in my new identity. Then going abroad for the first time. I'm excited and scared at the same time. It's another event that I have to do to push my boundaries. Plenty of time to get my bikini body ready and/or put Greenpeace on standby. 

I'm not going to tempt fate by saying things are good. They are getting better. Better than they were before Christmas by a long shot. I just want things to tick over, do things at my own pace, keep under the radar for a while. The main thing is that I am more positive this year. I have to look forward. There is no going back..........xx

Last week I said goodbye to a couple of very close friends. They had been with me for nearly 18 months, day in and day out. They were as close to me as you could get. However, they had outgrown their usefulness and I don't need them anymore, so I had to say goodbye. A sad week indeed.........or not, depending on which way you look at it. Saying goodbye to them meant one thing and one thing only. The hormone therapy was doing one of the jobs it is intended to do. 

It may sound rather dramatic, but to me it is a milestone in my transition. Since day one, I had been wearing breast prosthesis - chicken fillets - fake boobs - call them what you will. A comment a few weeks ago from a close friend about my growth in that area plus the fact that my work blouse had been straining at the buttons recently meant that the last increase in Estrogen dosage was finally increasing the size of my bust. I now had enough to fill a push up bra all by myself. I had my own, albeit small, cleavage. 

My body has been changing a lot recently. My shape has changed. Wider around the hips (splitting trousers); more defined cheekbones; slightly fuller lips and a larger bust. It feels like I am finally changing physically into the body I should have had and when I look in the mirror now, I am starting to feel a little better about myself. 

I can look in the mirror now and even without makeup, I look different. I like what I see now. Correction - I love what I see now. I see Danielle. 

The next stage of my transition is also now starting. Speech therapy. My voice can be a giveaway, especially on the phone and it's the one thing I really have trouble with. I am constantly misgendered on the phone and it really bugs me. If I'm tired, it also drops a little and I can't help it. So, after a false start in December, I finally have had my initial assessment. Another day trip to the clinic and someone new to see.

My appointment was with one of the team of speech therapists, but, unfortunately, they were ill. So, I had my appointment with the lead clinician for speech therapy instead. What an insightful person they are. I learnt so much about the voice, how your larynx works and how your voice is affected by many different things. I had to do a few voice exercises and answer a few questions and overall, my voice isn't too bad but it does need work.

The basics are as follows: The voice is measured in Hertz. Low is 70, average male is 80 - 100, average female 160 plus. I was measured at about 130-136 as an average. Not too bad. The plan is to get me to about 156 - 160 over the course of the next year, through one to one and group sessions. I have vocal exercises to do five times a day, everyday. I do feel a bit self conscious when doing them, but I have to do them! 

2018 is ok at the moment. Starting off in a better vein than 2017 ended. Still lots to do, still lots of changes to come. If you hear me making silly noises or repeating the same noise over and over and over and over again, just ignore me. It means I've finally lost it........or I'm doing my vocal exercises. Sometimes, even I can't tell the difference!!

There's been a great deal of press coverage recently about Trans issues; whether it be good, bad or downright ugly, you can't miss it. A lot of it has been derisory, ill-informed, and scare mongering in nature. There have been a few brief glimpses of light in amongst all of this doom and gloom though and for me, Transformation Street on ITV has provided some of it. I can relate to a lot of the issues raised in it. Below I want to explain why transitioning for me wasn't done on a whim.

Now, I am going through my transition on the NHS. I am lucky that I have the opportunity to do this - many people in the world aren't as fortunate. Some things can't be helped with regard to waiting times, which are long due to lack of trained staff, the sheer weight of people being referred and the adherence to internationally recognised treatment standards be leading medical bodies. 

I am currently 16 months into my transition and so far I have had two appointments with my consultant and have started my hormone therapy (9 months). My next consultant appointment is May (almost 11 months after my last) and I haven't even started my speech therapy (next month) or psychotherapy (dates due). As for my facial hair removal, I have the funding (given last April) but as yet, no contact from NHS England to advise on how to go about getting it. Add to that the various Doctors appointments (at least 3 to 4 every 12 weeks) and you can see that it's a very arduous process and you have to be 100% committed. 

Which leads me to my next point. Lots of people think that you wake up one morning and decide that you want to change your gender. Fact - YOU DON'T. For me, the seeds were sown over 25 years ago. That feeling that something wasn't quite right. The feeling that the body you have and the mind inside weren't compatible with each other. Why didn't I do something then? The simple answer - I couldn't. Given the set of circumstances I was living under and the lack of knowledge on the subject, it just wasn't an option.

So what do you do in those circumstances? For me it was closet crossdressing and burying those feelings. Trying to be a 'Man'. Getting girlfriends and getting married. In the very back of my mind, it just didn't feel right. There was always that niggling feeling that all of this wasn't right. It wasn't me. However, you battle on through and try to make the best of everything. Pushing those feelings further and further back, to the point of making sure you don't even see or read anything that could bring those feelings back. 

For me, events happened in my life that, although at the time seemed like the end of the world, have allowed me to explore those feelings again (albeit after a little prompting). Not only have I explored those feelings, I have acted upon them. I made the decision to transition to align my mind with my body. That being 23 years after those first real feelings. Even then, the decision wasn't an easy one to make. It took a event which could have cost me my life to finally make the decision. The risk with regard to my relationships with everyone, my job and my life in general were huge. I had a great deal to lose but ultimately a great deal to gain.

I still have periods of crippling doubt that I can go through all of this. I have lost some relationships; my sibling, to an extent my mum (although contact has now been made) and a few friends. I have also made a few new friends, cemented other relationships and thereby found out who my true friends are. I sometimes feel that I am slipping back towards the old me during those times. Going back to a person I don't want to be. That's when I remind myself what I am doing, where I am going and what I'm striving toward. I remind myself of the suppression of the true me for all those years and how far I've come in a relatively short space of time. 

For me, it's confirmation that this is the true me, when I get comments like this from people I respect immensely: 'You're one of the most female minds I know'; 'Honey when all is said and done you can only be you. Warts, flaws, perfection and all.' I've made it this far in life with everything that has been thrown at me. Last year was the toughest yet. Lots of issues, changes and problems. This year will be tough as well, but hopefully I will have more to show at the end of it. Less aggro, more happy. Either that or more chocolate. 

For the first time in a long time, A more positive post. I realised that I could not go on as I was and after re-reading my last post, I had to make some drastic changes. Life is short and what's the point in wasting what I have left on worrying about the past, my choices, the people who I have and those who have left my life. I have made a huge change in my life to make it better, so why make the journey worse than it has to be?

My life, my thoughts had become a swirling mess of introspection, self doubt, disbelief, pain, suffering and failure. So, what was the point of continuing with everything. A question I asked myself numerous times. On social media, I was bombarded with images of people with happy lives, having fun, with families and loved ones. Other transitioning people who could afford all the facial and body surgery to look fabulous and really pass as their chosen gender. 

My life, to me, was the absolute opposite. Sad, lonely, no one loved me, a hindrance, 
boring, ugly, fat, a fraud, totally pointless. Why did I think I could ever pass as my chosen gender? I could never look like all those other transitioning people. I'm unlovable, annoying and a freak. Hence all the bad posts, the suicidal thoughts, the worthlessness.

Then, a funny thing happened. I remembered what I was doing, why I was doing it and the end goal. To find myself. To find the me buried for all these years. Why was I comparing my life to others. This is my life. I'm the only one who can change things and make things better. I'm never going to be the most popular person, the most interesting, the prettiest, the skinniest, the one everybody looks up to. I'm just a person who tells bad jokes, is good at quizzes, overweight, can just about pass as my chosen gender, can be too serious at times, can't learn to enjoy myself sometimes, likes my own company and has a weakness for chocolate. I'm annoying, infuriating, intensely loyal to my closest friends, able to listen and love dressing up to go out. 

That's me. Love me or hate me, that's who I am. I am learning that I can love myself, my flaws, my successes. I am making changes to myself. Eating better, exercising more, reading more, watching less TV, not comparing myself to others, weaning myself away from social media. Learning to live outside the social media world again. Not giving a thought to what others think of me and thinking about myself and what I think. Selfish? Absolutely. 

Those who know me well will know that I will always be there for them, what ever has been written above. Just be aware that I still have a lot to deal with and my mind will be pre-occupied sometimes. There are a lot of changes still to come, especially this year and they all have to be implemented by me and me alone. Some will be fun and some will be hard. Some will be easy and some will be difficult. 

So there you have it. I'm coming for you 2018. Don't even think of messing with me. I'm doped up on Estrogen and ready to explode....................................................................

I've kind of been feeling sorry for myself recently and most of my recent blog posts have been the 'Woe is me' kind of posts. Quite rightly so, from my point of view. However, I understand that they can be a little boring after a while to everyone else. It got me thinking about where I am in life, my transition and where I am going from here. I have to move forward or I will go insane.

I have had a rough 9 months since starting my hormone therapy. Through a combination of issues, events and my own ever overactive mind, I have become very lonely, sad, angry,
fat(ter), even suicidal at one point. I have even felt that my demeanour has regressed to a past life which also has got to me.  So, instead of moping about stuff and letting even the tiniest little things get to me, I have decided that I need to get back with the plan and change things up. Not just a little, but a lot. 

I have to remember why I am putting myself through all of this in the first place. Why? To be me. The real me. The me hidden for all of those years. I have to remember that I am going through puberty again, with all its angst, issues, highs, lows, loves, hates and physical issues. I am a teenager, disguised as an adult. Doing adult things. I should enjoy all of this as I didn't really have a proper teenage life the first time. I am finding the real me amongst all of this chaos - I now have to blossom into who I want to be.

My physical health has taken as much of a battering as my mental health recently. Comfort eating, combined with water retention and weight gain through the hormone therapy, have made me put on nearly 2 stone since June. I need to lose that weight and a bit more besides. My weakness is mainly chocolate and to some extent, white bread. I need to kick my chocolate fixation, like I did with my crisp fixation. I also need to change the way I eat and what I eat. I am in a rut food wise and my diet needs a radical overhaul.

To aid my mental health, I am getting to grips with my physical health. A clean up of my diet combined with a new exercise regime should hopefully kick start my weight loss. I need to get myself fit for all of the physical and mental changes still to happen and to make sure my body is fit for any surgery that I need. Get those endorphins moving and improve my mood.

One of my other aims is to watch less TV and read more books this year. Like a lot of people, I come in at night and instantly turn on the TV. I end up watching the same old rubbish that is repeated on all 5000 Freeview channels every 4 hours ad infinitum................. So more books, more radio, more music, more using the brain power I have left to improve my life and mental health.

I am not letting things get to me. I have to learn to ignore problem people in my life, problems which I can't do anything about and just let the little things go. My mental wellbeing is my most important task and will be for the foreseeable future. I am going to develop my coping strategies, how I present myself and try to reconnect with some people I have lost touch with. Some are, alas, beyond hope and reasoning.

There you have it. Not just new year, new me malarkey. I need to make changes to get through all of this grief, through puberty, through my own overactive mind, through the inevitable setbacks which will occur, the misgendering, the potential physical and verbal abuse and the torrent of negative press that occurs almost daily at the moment. I've made it this far. How I have, I've no idea!! Just smile and wave, smile and wave........................

The Danielle Forecast

Prepared by the Danielle Department
United Kingdom
At 21.00 Hours GMT on the 8th Jan 2018

This is the Danielle forecast for the next 7 days. 

Overview: 
Danielle is feeling very irritable which is leading to outbursts of short temper, snappy remarks and a period of high blood pressure. The outlook for the next 7 days is moderate, becoming poor at times. Pressure is building in all areas, with no sign of it decreasing rapidly. 

The general synopsis is as follows:
Sociability: Poor, becoming moderate, slowly.
Irritability: High
Temper: Short
Weight: High, decreasing more slowly
Self Esteem: Low
Enthusiasm: Moderate
Urge to eat own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Extremely high
Likelihood of eating own body weight in chocolate/crisps: Moderate, becoming more likely.

Outlook:
The long term outlook is brighter, with sociability looking good towards the end of the month. Irritability should decrease, becoming moderate over the next 3 weeks, with the temper becoming longer as well. Weight will decrease more slowly than usual, due to a period of higher sociability at the end of the month. Self esteem will remain low due to the weight decreasing more slowly although an increase of enthusiasm will push in, raising esteem to moderate.

That concludes the Danielle forecast.

2017. A year of one high and many lows. A year that I would like to mostly forget. A year of broken friendships, almost drowning, work problems, inherent system issues (mainly the NHS), weight gain and a general despondent feeling. The only highlight was finally starting my hormone therapy and seeing real, physical changes in my body. 

The emotional changes have been a double edged sword. With each increase in Estrogen dosage, comes a change in my mental health, emotional outlook and emotional awareness. The major issue with it, is the fact that I am going through puberty - again. The emotional rollercoaster has been, for me, very hard to deal with and has thrown up some major issues. Some of which have pushed people away, created issues with myself and had an effect on my relationships with many people.

At the start of June, I started a major downward spiral. The eventual outcome of this was me thinking of the best way to end it all without hurting anyone else. That's is how low I had got. How I pulled myself back, I still don't know. All the weight I'd lost earlier in the year I've put back on and can't shift it - some hormone related and some comfort eating.

At this moment in time, all I want to do is keep myself to myself and hide away from the world for a while. I'm not feeling very sociable, I haven't felt very festive and I am struggling to know where to start to make changes to pull myself out of the black hole. I apologise if I haven't spoken to anyone or taken ages/not replied to messages. I'm not ignoring anyone; I'm just a bad person at this moment in  time.

Only I can get myself out of this. New year, new me and all that. Put 2017 behind me and look forward to 2018. It's going to be a busy year with appointments, more physical and mental changes and potentially more life changing milestones. Need to get my head right first.......

Happy new year to you all xx